Tending to the Heart's Forgotten Garden

by Botched Lobotomy

A Differentiated Rose

I can’t stop turning it over in my head. That’s natural, I suppose, but knowing that hardly makes it any easier, now, does it? Death is natural, but we think about that too much, as well.

Ugh, I’m getting morbid. All this silence isn’t good for me. I lived in silence for years, but now I’m back in it again, I don’t know how I managed. I suppose the answer is I didn’t, really.

If only she were here. I know I shouldn’t think like that, I know it isn’t helpful, but I can’t do anything about it. She didn’t just leave my head when she left the house. And she was so good at getting rid of silence.

Even when she wasn’t strictly there – I mean, physically – when we were at work, or she was out, or I was out, even when she was overseas, it never seemed like silence. She was there beside me, that was the whole point. Inescapable connection.

How rose-tinted are the glasses I’m remembering this through? It’s not like there weren’t times we didn’t talk – I mean, I don’t think anyone wants to talk all the time (except Pinkie, maybe), and some of those weren’t even the companionable sort of quiet, the pleasant kind; some were mad quiet, when you vacuum the kitchen as loud as you can so you don’t have to say how upset you are, when you just sit and seethe and say ‘oh, no, I’m fine’, and everything is terrible until you curl up at night and reach over and squeeze her hand and she squeezes back, and you know it’ll be all right in the end. (Well, here it is, Wallflower. Everything all right?) There was even sad quiet, like when Sunset’s granddad died, and we just sat there and held hands for a while, and cried... But quiet is different from silence.

I’m trying to work out how it happened. How do people just stop talking? Eighteen years, it was the easiest thing in the world. More natural than breathing. And then, one day...

When did it start? I can’t decide. I can’t decide if it was before that party, or after. It was definitely after the move, all that was well and good (though maybe it played a part, however small?). Things were sort of distant by Rarity’s 38th, but that wasn’t when it started, it was just around the time I began to be aware of it. There was that walk we took around the flower gardens, and that was sort of awkward in a way it maybe shouldn’t have been, but it wasn’t that unusual, not anything out of the ordinary, just a little quieter than normal, that’s all. When we went to visit Marble? It might have been, but that would make it her fault, if only slightly, and that’s a dangerous road to go down. The last thing I need right now is to drive more friends away. Besides, I know the one at fault.

Maybe, if we hadn’t come here...

I can’t tell. The gradient’s so subtle that I can’t place where it starts. There’s a hundred moments I might point to, a thousand little things that built to bury us in silences, in separation, in trying-to-think-of-what-to-say. Which grain of sand came first? Which raindrop fell before the others?

The real reason I’m thinking about it, if I’m honest, really honest (and that’s harder than it should be, for some reason, even to you) is that I’m wondering how I could have changed things. If I could have changed things. It must be possible, surely. I don’t know when it was, or even what it might have been, but I can’t stop imagining it had gone a different way. It’s like an echo, ringing ceaselessly, and I can’t get it out of my head. When was it locked in? At what point did it become too late? There must have been a chance to change it, things like this aren’t simply set in stone, decided arbitrarily at the beginning of it all – there must have been a point where if I’d only said something else, things could have gone a different way; if I’d laughed, instead of only smiled, we’d still be here, together.

There must have been. There must have been.

...Right?

Sunset Shimmer

17:25
I have a surpriiiiiise for you

17:27
Oh good.

17:28
Don’t say it like that!
17:28
I *promise* you’ll like it

17:30
Hmm.

17:32
Okay, okay, I think that’s enough applause
17:33
Here

---

Yearbook. Open. Page 31. Shy green girl. Smile. Bonsai Tree. BEST GARDENER. Wallflower Blush. ‘Founding member of the Gardening Club, Wallflower is single-handedly responsible for CHS’s beautiful...’

---

17:34
Oh.

17:34
You like it?
17:36
I’d love to say we could change it if you wanted
17:36
But it’s a teeeeeny tiny bit too late for that
17:40
Wallflower?

17:41
Sorry.
17:41
Don’t change it, please.
17:42
I love it.
17:42
Thank you.

17:42
Thank Celestia!
17:43
I am glad
17:43
Cause as I say, it’s too late to change it, they’ve all been printed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17:44
It’s really nice
17:45
You didn’t have to put in a whole page just for me, though.

17:45
Hey, it’s a yearbook award
17:4
Yearbook awards get full pages
17:46
I don’t make the rules

17:47
Yes, Miss Yearbook Committee President.

17:48
>:
17:48
[
17:48
(It’s actually 2 pages)

17:50
What? Why!?

17:51
Cause technically you’re a club, as well
17:52
And seeing as you were the only member when we sent this off...
17:53
You get a double-spread to yourself!

17:54
People are really going to think I’m full of myself.

17:56
Huh?

17:57
Well I’m on the yearbook committee too. They’re going to think I just gave myself two pages.

17:58
Whaaaaaaat
17:58
Nah, thay’ll be thinking “who the hell is this chick?”

17:59
Ouch.

18:01
Besides, everyone knows stuff like that has to go through me first
18:02
Trixie made sure enough of that
18:02
So don’t worry, they’ll just think you have me wrapped around your finger or something
18:03
Like you’re blackmailing me

18:03
Nepotism as well as narcissism?

18:03
Or we’re dating

18:03
See now we both look bad.

18:05
Well, whatever!
18:05
Too late to change
18:06
We are forever burned into the history of our year as horrible people

18:07
Well, at least they’ll remember me for something.

18:09
Wishing you had a memory stone about now? :p

18:10
Hey, not fair.

18:10
Hehee

18:14
But no, I don’t. I mean, it would be much more convenient, but... That would mean those pages would disappear, too. Even if people think I’m blackmailing you, or something, I don’t think I could bring myself to get rid of them.
18:15
Thanks for doing it.

18:17
Awww, don’t sell yourself short! <3
18:18
We could be dating, instead!

18:20
Haha
18:21
Well, I have some maths stuff I still need to go over tonight, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow?

18:22
Betcha

18:22
Thanks again.
18:23
It really means a lot.

18:24
Don’t mention it
18:24
Glad you like it
18:25
Enjoy calculus ;)

Comments

[PresentPerfect]

signals

[Ice Star]

Wally is so clueless I love it

[Bicyclette]

I can’t stop turning it over in my head. That’s natural, I suppose, but knowing that hardly makes it any easier, now, does it? Death is natural, but we think about that too much, as well.

so true actually

some were mad quiet, when you vacuum the kitchen as loud as you can so you don’t have to say how upset you are, when you just sit and seethe and say ‘oh, no, I’m fine’, and everything is terrible until you curl up at night and reach over and squeeze her hand and she squeezes back, and you know it’ll be all right in the end. (Well, here it is, Wallflower. Everything all right?)

ooh, love this!

I’m trying to work out how it happened. How do people just stop talking? Eighteen years, it was the easiest thing in the world. More natural than breathing. And then, one day...

and augh, this really says it all. the gears seizing up, and it sneaking up on you, so real. 

There was that walk we took around the flower gardens, and that was sort of awkward in a way it maybe shouldn’t have been, but it wasn’t that unusual, not anything out of the ordinary, just a little quieter than normal, that’s all.

oh i feel this

When was it locked in? At what point did it become too late? There must have been a chance to change it, things like this aren’t simply set in stone, decided arbitrarily at the beginning of it all – there must have been a point where if I’d only said something else, things could have gone a different way; if I’d laughed, instead of only smiled, we’d still be here, together.

oof. i haven’t thought about my breakup experience in years but this is really bringing those memories back! you’ve really captured it

17:30
Hmm.

17:32
Okay, okay, I think that’s enough applause
17:33
Here

interspersing it with snippets of their actual text convos is just so perfect, augh this is art

17:42
Thank Celestia!

hehe this must seem like a very strange swear to the human high schoolers!

17:45
Hey, it’s a yearbook award
17:4
Yearbook awards get full pages
17:46
I don’t make the rules

17:47
Yes, Miss Yearbook Committee President.

17:48
>:
17:48
[
17:48
(It’s actually 2 pages)

fantastic touch with the split emoticon. i mean i just love all these exchanges they are so good

17:57
Well I’m on the yearbook committee too. They’re going to think I just gave myself two pages.

so very Wallflower (and ugh, me) to think of this first of all

18:02
So don’t worry, they’ll just think you have me wrapped around your finger or something
18:03
Like you’re blackmailing me

love this Sunset

18:17
Awww, don’t sell yourself short! <3
18:18
We could be dating, instead!

so many hints! i mean is it even “hints” at this point? love it