Sunset Shimmer and I were together for almost twenty years. I write it out like that, it sounds like a while. It sounds like too long. And I’m sure if I actually counted it up and went through and thought of all the little things we filled those years with, if we wrote out for each ‘this year we started college’ and ‘wasn’t Applejack’s wedding around then?’ and ‘of course, that was the summer we moved to Filly’, it would start to sound much closer to that number, but the point is it doesn’t feel like it. It doesn’t feel like long, at all.
Marble keeps telling me to forget about her. To forget it all, to just move on, leave the past where it belongs and make the most of what’s to come. ‘You’re free now, Walls!’ In a sense, I suppose it’s true.
Twilight hasn’t told me to forget. None of that group has – none of them have said much to me at all, in fact, besides the usual ‘Gosh, darling, I’m so sorry!’ and ‘I heard about the, uh, well...yeah. You doing okay?’ and those don’t count. They’re things you have to say. Not one of them has really tried to talk, except maybe Pinkie Pie, but some appointment cut her off, and she hasn’t called me up to finish. That’s okay. They were always more Sunset’s friends than mine, but still, it might have been nice...
In fairness, I don’t think any of them really knows what to say. What can they say? I sure don’t know what I would say, in their position. Must be hard. Well, not as hard as it is for me, but...
They didn’t tell me to forget, at least. They know it’s been too long for that. Six months, a year, okay. That’s fine. Take a week to cry, a month, and then you’re back up on your feet. Good as new, or so close no one will know the difference. Twenty years – that one’s a little harder. Once, I had a stone to do it for me. I glad it’s gone. There’s a hundred reasons to be glad of it, but now I’m glad it’s gone so that temptation isn’t sitting there. Because I would be tempted, and right now I’m not sure I could resist.
Sorry, I’m rambling, I know. I’m all over the place. I’m out of practise. Concentrate. I...
I don’t know where to start.
Begin at the beginning, Wallflower. Where else is there to start? Yes, yes, I know, but it’s harder than it looks. Don’t rush me, me. You of all people can cut me a break here, I’d like to hope.
Well. Here goes nothing.
Sunset Shimmer
18:56 Hey
18:58 Hi.
18:58 How’s things?
19:00 Okay I guess. 19:01 Better now. 19:01 Sorry, that sounded bad.
19:02 You’re cool
19:02 I meant to say that I’m better than yesterday.
19:02 No need to apologise 19:02 >:[
19:03 Sorry.
19:04 >:( 19:04 Grrr 19:09 So 19:10 Gardening club huh 19:10 What goes on there?
19:11 Besides digging up ancient memory stones, you mean?
19:11 Lol
19:11 Not much.
19:12 There’s gotta be something, right?
19:12 It’s mostly just a lot of gardening.
19:13 Okay 19:13 Hit me with your favourite plant
19:14 I don’t have a favourite plant.
19:14 Oh
19:17 It’s not like plants are very interesting. I don’t even really think about them much. I just take care of them.
19:18 I mean 19:18 Sure
19:19 Is that supposed to mean something?
19:20 No?
19:20 Okay.
19:21 If you say you don’t think about it, you don’t think about it ;)
19:22 Sorry?
19:22 >:((
19:24 I don’t know what you’re trying to say.
19:25 I’m not trying to say anything
19:26 ... 19:26 Okay.
19:27 You don’t think about it, that’s fine! 19:27 Even though you’ve done it for years 19:27 & clearly put a lot of effort into it all 19:28 But sure 19:28 No thoughts 19:28 That’s cool ;) 19:33 ?
19:34 You can stop pretending to care, you know.
19:34 Um
19:35 I think I’m going to go. 19:35 See you tomorrow.
19:35 I’m not 19:36 *pretending to care 19:38 I’m interested if you are 19:38 We can talk about something else 19:41 I’m not pretending 19:48 Wallflower?
I can’t stop turning it over in my head. That’s natural, I suppose, but knowing that hardly makes it any easier, now, does it? Death is natural, but we think about that too much, as well.
Ugh, I’m getting morbid. All this silence isn’t good for me. I lived in silence for years, but now I’m back in it again, I don’t know how I managed. I suppose the answer is I didn’t, really.
If only she were here. I know I shouldn’t think like that, I know it isn’t helpful, but I can’t do anything about it. She didn’t just leave my head when she left the house. And she was so good at getting rid of silence.
Even when she wasn’t strictly there – I mean, physically – when we were at work, or she was out, or I was out, even when she was overseas, it never seemed like silence. She was there beside me, that was the whole point. Inescapable connection.
How rose-tinted are the glasses I’m remembering this through? It’s not like there weren’t times we didn’t talk – I mean, I don’t think anyone wants to talk all the time (except Pinkie, maybe), and some of those weren’t even the companionable sort of quiet, the pleasant kind; some were mad quiet, when you vacuum the kitchen as loud as you can so you don’t have to say how upset you are, when you just sit and seethe and say ‘oh, no, I’m fine’, and everything is terrible until you curl up at night and reach over and squeeze her hand and she squeezes back, and you know it’ll be all right in the end. (Well, here it is, Wallflower. Everything all right?) There was even sad quiet, like when Sunset’s granddad died, and we just sat there and held hands for a while, and cried... But quiet is different from silence.
I’m trying to work out how it happened. How do people just stop talking? Eighteen years, it was the easiest thing in the world. More natural than breathing. And then, one day...
When did it start? I can’t decide. I can’t decide if it was before that party, or after. It was definitely after the move, all that was well and good (though maybe it played a part, however small?). Things were sort of distant by Rarity’s 38th, but that wasn’t when it started, it was just around the time I began to be aware of it. There was that walk we took around the flower gardens, and that was sort of awkward in a way it maybe shouldn’t have been, but it wasn’t that unusual, not anything out of the ordinary, just a little quieter than normal, that’s all. When we went to visit Marble? It might have been, but that would make it her fault, if only slightly, and that’s a dangerous road to go down. The last thing I need right now is to drive more friends away. Besides, I know the one at fault.
Maybe, if we hadn’t come here...
I can’t tell. The gradient’s so subtle that I can’t place where it starts. There’s a hundred moments I might point to, a thousand little things that built to bury us in silences, in separation, in trying-to-think-of-what-to-say. Which grain of sand came first? Which raindrop fell before the others?
The real reason I’m thinking about it, if I’m honest, really honest (and that’s harder than it should be, for some reason, even to you) is that I’m wondering how I could have changed things. If I could have changed things. It must be possible, surely. I don’t know when it was, or even what it might have been, but I can’t stop imagining it had gone a different way. It’s like an echo, ringing ceaselessly, and I can’t get it out of my head. When was it locked in? At what point did it become too late? There must have been a chance to change it, things like this aren’t simply set in stone, decided arbitrarily at the beginning of it all – there must have been a point where if I’d only said something else, things could have gone a different way; if I’d laughed, instead of only smiled, we’d still be here, together.
There must have been. There must have been.
...Right?
Sunset Shimmer
17:25 I have a surpriiiiiise for you
17:27 Oh good.
17:28 Don’t say it like that! 17:28 I *promise* you’ll like it
17:30 Hmm.
17:32 Okay, okay, I think that’s enough applause 17:33 Here
Yearbook. Open. Page 31. Shy green girl. Smile. Bonsai Tree. BEST GARDENER. Wallflower Blush. ‘Founding member of the Gardening Club, Wallflower is single-handedly responsible for CHS’s beautiful...’
17:34 Oh.
17:34 You like it? 17:36 I’d love to say we could change it if you wanted 17:36 But it’s a teeeeeny tiny bit too late for that 17:40 Wallflower?
17:41 Sorry. 17:41 Don’t change it, please. 17:42 I love it. 17:42 Thank you.
17:42 Thank Celestia! 17:43 I am glad 17:43 Cause as I say, it’s too late to change it, they’ve all been printed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
17:44 It’s really nice 17:45 You didn’t have to put in a whole page just for me, though.
17:45 Hey, it’s a yearbook award 17:4 Yearbook awards get full pages 17:46 I don’t make the rules
17:47 Yes, Miss Yearbook Committee President.
17:48 >: 17:48 [ 17:48 (It’s actually 2 pages)
17:50 What? Why!?
17:51 Cause technically you’re a club, as well 17:52 And seeing as you were the only member when we sent this off... 17:53 You get a double-spread to yourself!
17:54 People are really going to think I’m full of myself.
17:56 Huh?
17:57 Well I’m on the yearbook committee too. They’re going to think I just gave myself two pages.
17:58 Whaaaaaaat 17:58 Nah, thay’ll be thinking “who the hell is this chick?”
17:59 Ouch.
18:01 Besides, everyone knows stuff like that has to go through me first 18:02 Trixie made sure enough of that 18:02 So don’t worry, they’ll just think you have me wrapped around your finger or something 18:03 Like you’re blackmailing me
18:03 Nepotism as well as narcissism?
18:03 Or we’re dating
18:03 See now we both look bad.
18:05 Well, whatever! 18:05 Too late to change 18:06 We are forever burned into the history of our year as horrible people
18:07 Well, at least they’ll remember me for something.
18:09 Wishing you had a memory stone about now? :p
18:10 Hey, not fair.
18:10 Hehee
18:14 But no, I don’t. I mean, it would be much more convenient, but... That would mean those pages would disappear, too. Even if people think I’m blackmailing you, or something, I don’t think I could bring myself to get rid of them. 18:15 Thanks for doing it.
18:17 Awww, don’t sell yourself short! <3 18:18 We could be dating, instead!
18:20 Haha 18:21 Well, I have some maths stuff I still need to go over tonight, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow?
18:22 Betcha
18:22 Thanks again. 18:23 It really means a lot.
18:24 Don’t mention it 18:24 Glad you like it 18:25 Enjoy calculus ;)
We never married. Was that a bad sign? It didn’t feel like a bad sign, when we talked about it. Rarity and Applejack were engaged, and Sunset brought it up to me, and... I suppose, for whatever reason, it just didn’t seem important.
It makes things easier, at least. Legally speaking. No divorce papers or anything like that to sort out, no grand settlements to be made in court. Sunset just takes her things and leaves, and that’s the end of it. Well, we bought the house together. Mortgaged it together. Whatever. I called her up to ask about it, a week after she left. I was feeling lonely, and she wasn’t answering me, so I left a message that ‘hey, we need to talk about the house.’ She didn’t call back, but she keeps paying it anyway. I’m not sure why. Probably it’s easier to just pay bills she doesn’t need to pay than talk to me. I don’t blame her.
Sunset can do that, though. She has the money, she has the friends. She could always leave – she had the power to up and vanish, live for six months or a year hopping from couch to couch before she found a new place to settle down again – I just didn’t think she would. That’s what she’s doing now, I’m pretty sure. Staying at Twilight’s or Fluttershy’s or Rarity and Applejack’s (I think about them, and I feel old, and bitter, and jealous), calling up ‘Sorry, can I sleep at your place for a week or three?’ I wonder what they’d say if I did that. I wonder what my other friends would say. This house is now so very lonely, I can’t deny that I’ve been tempted. But I’m not the kind of person that gets to do that, I don’t think. I’m Wallflower, not Sunset Shimmer, and that means stay home and cry alone, put on your bravest face, and when you go outside, try not to let the world see how much it hurt you.
It probably isn’t any easier, actually. At least with a divorce I’d get to see her. See her in court, sure, but it would be something. Some kind of contact. By law, she’d have to respond, she couldn’t just take her things and leave, one day, and not call me all this time. It would be big, and messy, full of legal battles, everything as huge and overwhelming as it feels. I’d have lawyers on my side, to say ‘Wallflower Blush did nothing wrong, Sunset Shimmer’s the one who left.’ We’d have to set out what was mine, exactly, what was hers – and when it all was done I could sit back with whatever I was left with and know that this is mine. That these things, right here, belonged to me, that they were my life, and mine alone.
She’d hire better lawyers, naturally. I’d lose most of everything. But in the end, the very end, it would be final. ‘This is the last time I’ll ever see you,’ might be said, and the world would recognise us as being apart. It would be bad, I’m sure, but at least there would be some closure. Right now the wound is cut wide open, and every time I try to close it, I turn a corner and see some remnant of her lying in the corner. Sunset’s books upon the shelf. Sunset’s pillows on the bed. The whole thing feels...half-finished.
I wish that I could hate her.
Sunset
20:35 Hey. 20:35 I’ve thought of a favourite plant.
20:35 Is it a sunflower?
20:36 What?
20:36 My favourite plant’s a sunflower
20:37 Of course it is. 20:37 It’s not a sunflower.
20:38 Awww 20:39 Is it a Wallflower? 20:39 ;p
20:39 It is not. 20:40 If I’m allowed to talk :) 20:40 It’s technically a weed. 20:41 Here:
Red brick wall. Rubble collects around the base. Ruin of a house. Blue sky. Thick green leaves climb up the stone. Vital in the sun.
20:42 Is that ivy?
20:42 It’s ivy, yes.
20:43 I am intrigued 20:44 My interest has been peaked
20:44 *piqued.
20:45 Someone’s been spending too much time with Twilight
20:48 I like ivy because it’s persistent. You try to pull it off, and it just grows back again next week. And people say it’s a parasite, but it’s not, it just uses other things to climb. 20:50 It’s misunderstood. Just trying to reach the sun and grow strong.
20:52 Very nice 20:53 You have convinced me 20:53 I have been convinced 20:54 Ivy’s pretty cool
20:55 It is!! 20:56 Why do you like sunflowers?
20:57 Cause they’re pretty
20:58 And they have “sun” in the name?
20:59 That too 21:01 There were a lot of them around back where I grew up as well 21:02 Used to see them nodding along on the way to school when I was a filly
21:04 I keep forgetting you used to be a pony.
21:04 Does that weird you out?
21:06 I’m not sure if I quite believe it yet 21:06 to be really honest.
21:07 Lol 21:08 Can’t say I blame you, I wouldn’t believe me either.
21:10 It’s not that I *don’t* believe you, it’s more like... It’s just hard to imagine this whole other world out there, you know?
21:13 Where you have four hooves and a tail? ;)
21:14 Yes. I can’t imagine myself like that! I *really* can’t imagine *you* like that!
21:15 I’ll have you know I made a very pretty pony
21:16 *That* I have no trouble believing.
21:19 I’ll have to take you someday
21:20 Where? To... Equestrian?
21:21 Equestria, yeah
21:23 For the record, I meant to type Equestrian. Blame autocorrect. 21:23 Dammit!
21:24 XD 21:25 I’ll take you too Equestrian too, it’s okay
21:27 -_- 21:28 Well, only if you want. 21:29 Wait, does that mean there’s another you running around in this world somewhere?
21:31 Probably 21:32 I’ve tried to go looking a couple times, but nothing so far 21:32 She must be somewhere though 21:33 More importantly, it means there’s a pony version of *you* running around, too!
21:34 Oh no.
21:35 Okay, we’re doing this 21:36 You 21:36 Me 21:36 Equestria 21:37 We’re going looking for pony Wallflower 21:38 I bet she’s *adorable*
21:40 I have my doubts, but I suppose it sounds like fun.
21:41 Don’t doubt it! Fun is guaranteed 21:42 Unless your doubts were about the other thing 21:42 In which case, *extra* guaranteed 21:52 You free tomorrow?
21:55 I have a couple of hours after school.
21:56 Awesome. Equestrian trip?
21:57 Umm 21:57 Tomorrow?
21:58 If you’re free
22:00 Can I think about it?
22:01 Sure! Just let me know
22:05 Will do.
22:07 Cool. See ya at school either way
22:08 See you!
23:56 Hey
23:58 Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear
23:59 What? 23:59 Sorry?
00:00 Don’t worry about it 00:00 Wassup?
00:01 Ok. 00:02 I think I’m down for going to Equestria. 00:02 If you were being serious.
00:03 Not Equestrian? Awww 00:04 But if you’re down for it, that’s cool! 00:04 Don’t feel like you have to though
00:05 No, I want to.
00:06 In that case 00:06 Hell yeah!
00:07 :)
00:07 Meet you in the garden after school?
00:08 Sounds good.
00:08 Awesome! This gonna be good 00:09 But I should get some sleep now 00:09 History first period
00:10 My sympathies.
00:10 Niiight
00:11 Goodnight!
00:35 Wait 00:36 Is that the reason there’s so much ivy round the back of the school 00:36 ?
00:40 I thought you were supposed to be asleep 00:41 But yes, it is. 00:42 It might have maybe possibly grown from some seeds I planted in the garden. 00:43 Kind of blew up from there.
00:43 Hot damn 00:44 That’s like 00:44 A *lot* of ivy 00:45 Like they got people in last summer to try get rid of it, didn’t they?
00:46 They may have. 00:47 The contractors may have also immediately forgotten why they came.
00:48 *Wallflower Blush*
00:48 Yes?
00:48 Respect.
00:49 I didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand!
00:50 You’d better hope Principal Luna never finds out about it 00:50 She will actually explode
00:51 Whoops.
00:52 Amazing 00:53 Well, time to try again to get to sleep I think 00:54 Night Wally 00:54 (Can I call you Wally?)
00:56 Sure. 00:57 Night Sunny!
00:58 You can to do better than that ;) 00:59 Night
I used to think I was made to be alone. I’d attempt to make friends, of course, but school can be small, in places like I’m from, and fail enough, you’ll soon stop trying. Sunset was like that, too. I failed at making friends because I was shy, and every time I said something I regretted, I ran off to hide my burning face – eventually, with magic. Sunset failed because she was too strong, too-well connected, and every time she tried to make the other children love her, they ran to band together – eventually, she tried with magic. Loneliness turned us cruel.
Pinkie called today. I knew it was her, of course, when I picked up the phone, but part of me was still surprised to hear her voice. She asked me how I was doing, I told her fine. She asked me if I’d done anything interesting recently, I told her nothing. She asked what it was like to have the house to myself, more spacious perhaps? I told her sure. I think I’d forgotten how to talk to people. Or maybe when I ran out of things to say to Sunset, I ran out of things to say to them, as well.
So I asked her how she was, and put an emphasis on the she that I think came out darker than I’d intended. I’m not sure how I thought that she’d been doing. It changed almost by the day – often, by the hour. Sometimes I was sure that she was fine, almost unchanged, skipping merrily along some street somewhere (or trotting, perhaps), in Canterlot, or Ponyville, or Fillydelphia – sometimes I was sure that she was gleeful – sometimes, I thought she must be sad, not quite as useless as myself, perhaps, but sorry all the same: those twenty years had been hers, as well as mine.
‘She’s a mess,’ Pinkie said.
‘Oh,’ was all I managed.
I thought it would make me feel better. Perhaps it did, some small vindictive part of me, the part of me that almost won the day she saved me first – but mostly I was glad she was alive. It hadn’t ever crossed my mind she might not be – not consciously, in any case – and I don’t know why it would – but all the same, I felt a strange relief because of it. Maybe it was just the fact another person had seen her since. Proof that she was out there, I hadn’t imagined her away.
We talked a little longer, after that, finding something more than one-word answers to discuss, and towards the end, Pinkie’s voice grew soft, almost nervous, and she told me she could put Sunset on the line, if that was what I wanted.
Wanted. What a silly question. It was all that I had wanted, for more than half my life. I wanted to hear her voice so badly, wanted to talk and smile and love her as I had, without this awful tangle that had grown up all around us. Pinkie must have sensed some change in me, because she almost whispered when she asked ‘Wallflower?’
I swallowed. ‘Put her on,’ I told her.
The phone crackled. That moment lasted an eternity, stretched long and terrified over 700 miles – but also, in that same – sweet, so sweet – not alone.
...
‘Wally?’
Sunnybuns
14:34 Hey, you.
14:34 Hey you
14:35 How’s Business going?
14:36 Well I can answer my phone 14:36 So 14:36 Cranky went out to get some paper for the printer 14:36 That was 15 mins ago 14:36 And things are going about as well as you’d expect
14:37 Wonderful. Well, at least he isn’t there to catch you.
14:37 Whatcha wanting?
14:37 Bored.
14:38 Me too 14:38 You’re in Bio right?
14:38 Unfortunately.
14:39 Poor Wally
14:39 Poor *Sunset*. At least Bio’s slightly interesting. 14:39 When it’s about plants, and not about frogs.
14:40 Hey that bit about horses was kinda cool, right?
14:40 In as much as it was fun trying to work out how exactly the mirror screws with our biology, sure.
14:41 At least you don’t have to know what demand-pull inflation is though
14:42 Sounds hot.
14:42 OKay 14:42 Well 14:43 N
14:45 N it is. 14:46 Sunset?
16:04 Just got my phone back 16:05 Thanks for that one
16:10 You are very welcome.
16:12 Bitch 16:13 You heading to the garden for a bit?
16:14 Already there.
16:15 You wanna grab something to eat after?
16:15 Nah.
16:16 Nah?
16:16 But there is a movie I’ve been meaning to catch.
16:17 Oh no 16:17 Tell me it’s not what I think it is
16:17 Well that depends on what you think it is.
16:18 They’re not even good! I *promise* the book is way, waaay better. 16:18 And the original trilogy 16:18 Which you still have not watched
16:19 Are you down?
16:19 Uuuuuuuuuuuugh 16:19 Do I have to
16:20 Yes. 16:20 I’ll buy you dinner after to make up for it <3
16:22 Okay 16:22 But it had better be a damn good meal
16:24 No promises!
21:34 I said it then, I’ll say it now: good film.
21:35 I am going to kill you
23:00 Hey
23:05 Hey.
23:06 Can I ask you a kind of silly question
23:06 How silly are we talking?
23:07 Do you, like 23:08 *Like* talking to me?
23:09 Uh 23:09 That’s ominous. 23:09 What’s that supposed to mean?
23:10 I mean 23:11 Ughh 23:12 Sorry 23:12 I get caught up in my own head sometimes, you know?
23:13 I know.
23:13 I was just thinking about Equestria 23:14 And when I first came through the portal 23:15 And the fact I used magic to make people like me then 23:15 And how I still have some pony magic 23:16 And like 23:19 I cant help but think sometimes that maybe it’s affecting other people? Like how much magic was there over here before I came through? You’ve seen how easy it is to use magic to manipulate people 23:20 Even when you maybe don’t mean to
23:20 Woah, woah! 23:20 Slow down. What are you trying to say?
23:21 I don’t know 23:22 Just that sometimes I feel like maybe it’s just magic that makes people like me?
23:23 Oh 23:23 Have you talked with the girls about this?
23:24 Not really 23:24 They understand their powers even less than I do 23:25 I don’t think it would effect them anyway 23:25 Seeing as they’ve got magic too
23:26 So who do you think it would affect?
23:27 It’s just that I’m starting to feel like I did before, you know? When I was using magic. Like maybe too many people are on my side now 23:27 I’m not sure who it would affect. Non-magic people probably
23:28 Like who? Trixie? Flash?
23:29 Trixie’s kinda magic, I think 23:29 Maybe 23:30 Flash...doesn’t like me enough to count
23:32 Who then? Me?
23:33 Maybe? 23:34 Look, I told you it was stupid 23:36 Wally?
23:37 I’m listening.
23:38 I just 23:39 It doesn’t feel like you should like me? Put aside the whole taking away your evil magic stone for a second here
23:40 Stone forgotten.
23:42 Why should you like me?
23:45 Is this “Why do I like you” or “why does anyone like you”?
23:46 Both, I guess?
23:48 Do you...not like spending time with me?
23:48 No! 23:48 That’s not what I’m saying 23:49 I have way too much fun with you 23:49 And I think you do too? 23:50 I’m just asking why
23:51 You’re thinking the reason I hang out with you is your weird pony magic?
23:51 It sounds stupid when you say it like that.
23:53 Oh, it is. 23:55 People don’t like you because you’re unconsciously manipulating them with pony magic or something. 23:59 No offence, Sunset, I think people like you because you’re an amazingly kind, funny, empathetic person who goes out of their way to help others, no matter what it takes to do it.
00:03 That’s not fair 00:03 I was going to say all those nice things about you
00:04 What?
00:05 I was feeling like you were kinda too good to like me, you know? 00:05 Someone like you couldn’t actually enjoy hanging out with me like I do with you
00:08 Sunset 00:09 You’re a disaster 00:09 Thank you 00:11 Want to call?
I met a girl at the deli the other day. I say at the deli: she works there. Thursdays and Fridays. She’s tall, blue, maybe a year or two younger than I am, and has this amazing turquoise hair she’s tried to tie into a bun, but it keeps wanting to fall out all over the place. Every time I see her I want to reach over and fix it, tuck a strand behind her ear. Watch her blush. I’d complain really, but she’s pretty, and I haven’t had a hair in my salad yet, so instead I just smile and leave her a generous tip. The latest development is I told her some inane joke about the paper she’s always reading, and she laughed. It was a whole moment. I like her. I think she thinks I’m cute, too, but...I am so not ready to be in a relationship right now. I can hear Marble in my head, with that. ‘Rebound, rebound!’ and maybe in some ways a rebound does sound sort of nice. Someone to hold onto at night. Someone whose hair to tuck behind their ear. It might fill the silence, at the very least.
But...she couldn’t be Sunset, though, could she? That’s what I’d be trying to make her into, and you can’t just replace the love of your life with the girl at the deli and hope everything is going to be fine. That’s not fair to her, and that’s not fair to you, and that’s not fair to Sunset, either. It can’t just be replaced like that, and right now, those twenty years are all I have. Damned if I’ll cheapen them like that.
Besides, that girl deserves to be more than just some rebound. She deserves someone who can love her for herself, because she’s who she is, not because of who she’s not, not because she’s just a warm body in the right place, at the right time. I can’t just use her.
Maybe I’m just scared. Maybe I’m a coward, and it’s been so long since I’ve been alone that I’m only now remembering it. Maybe this is what everyone else could see, for all these years, and that’s why Sunset left, and our friends have barely called me. Maybe I’m just a disgusting, pathetic, terrified
Okay, that’s not helpful. Step away. Breathe.
And back. Deli girl...some part of me wants to just say yes. Some part of me wants to go in there and ask when you get off, and say it with my eyebrows raised, with a grin at my own lazy joke, and take you out, and get taken out, and try it all again. (Or, more realistically, ask for your number after a couple minutes’ nervous small talk.) Maybe you’re enough, maybe you could make the silence small, and the nights feel less alone. I want that so, so badly. I need to know it’s true, I think – that I haven’t ruined my only chance at happiness – and the thing I’m scared of most is that you can’t, that Sunset was the only person that could do that, and now she’s gone, and now I’m alone again, forever.
Ugh.
Maybe we could just be friends. Friendship, I could deal with. But I’m hardly in the right mindset for that, either. I want more friends right now so I can lean on them, so I can sniffle over the phone that yes, I’m doing well, well as can be expected, and take comfort in the fact they care. She wouldn’t – not her fault, just that no one wants to hear about some ex they never met, from someone they’ve only known since Friday.
That’s the issue with any of it, right? Any new relationship I have – romantic or otherwise – is going to be coloured by her shadow. And Sunset casts a long one.
It has to stop at some point, though. Surely. It has to. I can’t just not meet anyone new for the rest of my life. I can’t just be defined by her forever. So the question really is: how long is long enough?
I don’t have an answer, not yet. Ten months on, and I don’t have anything even approaching an answer. What if it’s the same thing in a year? What if it’s the same in five? What if deli girl is secretly my soulmate, and I miss out on the perfect woman because I’m too caught up in my own head to try it out? ‘Some people live only in their heads.’ I’m not sure where I heard that, but it’s been ringing truer ever since. I’m playing all this out, thinking it over again and again, and at some point I’m going to have to make a move – not with her, perhaps, nor with the next, but soon, with someone – or accept that this, right here, right now, this diary, is how it’s always going to be.
The drama.
Well, I’m allowed to be dramatic. No one else is ever going to read this, after all. The whole point is to say things I can’t tell any other soul.
Like the fact I’m terrified.
Deli girl, I don’t even know your name.
Sunnybuns
19:13 Hey, you should try writing a diary
19:13 You think so?
19:13 Sure 19:13 Might help with what you were talking about the other day 19:14 Being forgotten, and all that 19:14 It would be like a record
19:15 Like evidence? 19:16 Are you trying to get me convicted of a crime?
19:16 Of course 19:17 Only thing left I need is an admission of guilt
19:18 You won’t catch me, officer. I’ve sent twenty to the psychiatric ward. Forced retirement. Early graves. 19:18 You think you’re any different?
19:19 Honey, we both know I’m not like those other girls 19:29 We’re alike, you and I 19:20 Day and Night. Yin and Yang. Alpha... 19:20 And omega
19:22 Don’t think such tricks will work on me. We’re nothing alike. Don’t pretend we’re on the same level here. 19:23 You’re the law, and I’m so, so far above that.
19:25 No one is above the law, honey 19:26 There’s only one thing that’s certain in this forsaken city 19:27 And that’s that justice will prevail 19:27 Don’t mistake me for those other cops 19:28 You may be above the law, but nothing’s higher in this world than justice
19:30 Nothing except you, you mean. Pretending to be my friend. Working your way into my life. Making me *care*... 19:33 Is that what justice is? Deception? Betrayal?
19:34 Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette 19:35 Waters been boiling for a while, so slow you didn’t notice 19:36 And you’re goose is pretty much cooked, my friend
19:38 No amount of food metaphors will save you now, Miss Shimmer. You’ve made a big mistake. Your last mistake. This is the end of the line.
19:40 No, Miss Blush. I don’t think you quite understand. The line ended half an hour ago 19:41 I’ve got this place surrounded 19:42 Hands in the air 19:42 I’ve got some handcuffs here with your name on them
19:43 Kinky.
19:43 Shush, you 19:44 But seriously 19:45 You should think about it 19:45 The diary thing, I mean 19:46 Not the handcuffs
19:46 :’( 19:47 I don’t have tiiiime to keep a diary though...
19:48 I mean it’s just a suggestion 19:49 Who knows, it might help 19:49 What’s the worst that can happen?
19:50 More police role-play?
19:51 Okay, fair. 19:51 I understand your hesitation 19:52 But sometimes sacrifices must be made 19:53 Miss Blush 19:53 ;)
19:55 You’re terrible. 19:56 But I’ll think about it.
I am way too nervous about this. I don’t mean job-interview-nervous, or bank-loan-nervous, or even travelling-to-another-universe-nervous, I mean the kind of nervous where you feel like you might actually die. Physically sick nervous. Woke up, threw up, cleaned up, threw up again nervous. Broke three pencils today cause my hands were so sweaty nervous.
Sunset’s coming to pick up her stuff. I’ll let you know how it goes.
We used to have fun together. We used to...you know. I’d wake up, and she’d be there, and this great sense of peace would come over me. Or...that’s not quite right. I’d just be at peace, and see her, and continue being at peace. She’d say something, and I would laugh, and I’d say something, and she would laugh, and we’d kiss, and get up, or stay in bed a while longer, or do whatever. It didn’t matter. Whatever we did together, that was the default. This soaring happiness, this joy, this feeling like I was so light I could almost float across the floor, that’s what we had.
Today it was just...nothing. It wasn’t bad, persay, it wasn’t good, it just was. I stayed up half the night tossing and turning and thinking about what it would be like. Would she be cold? Warm? Would she meet me with a hug (that, I dreaded, even though I half-hoped she would anyway), would she sneer when she said ‘Hi’?
I know we’d talked before this, and she’d been calm, polite, even though it was clear she had something more she wanted to say, and so did I, but none of it was getting said – but that was on the phone, that was just her voice, and it’s hard to tell what someone’s doing on the other end. Whether they’re pacing angrily, clutching at the phone, talking through the car speaker on their way to work (for my money, she was sitting with a cup of coffee, I’m fairly sure. She doesn’t drink tea): it’s only sound, transmitted through however many million miles to arrive cracked and solemn at your door.
The doorbell rang, and I almost threw up again, and when I answered it, there she was. She was...different. The same, but...yes, different. She’d done her hair differently, I noticed immediately, but that was nothing, that was whatever, the real difference was in how she acted. She seemed...
I think she was happier. Happier than last I’d spoken to her, sure, but happier than before, too. Happier than the last few months before we’d broken up. Not as cheerful as when we’d been together, not when we’d been one – part of me was glad to see that, and I hated that I thought that – but better.
‘Can I come in?’ she asked, and that was different too, her having to ask. And she came in, and left her boots by the door, and hung her long coat upon the rack, and it was like she’d never left. Sunset was back. And Sunset was a stranger.
I think she caught something in my eye, but I wiped it quickly, and brought her through into the living room. The whole place had been covered by bags of her stuff for days, and now it’s gone, it feels too empty.
We had tea, coffee, chatted a bit, and somehow, some way, it was easier than it had been in our last months. It wasn’t fun, not like it had been before, it was simply...pleasant. Overwhelming decent. Deeply nice.
‘How are you holding up?’ she asked me, the same question that everyone’s been asking me for the past eternity, and I knew that Sunset, my Sunset, could never have asked the question. Maybe that’s what made it easier to answer. So I told her honestly, how the year had been, how there was a girl at the deli-store I liked, how I’d rather she’d divorced me, how I’d been looking through old messages. I tried my hardest not to cry, and found to my surprise it wasn’t all that difficult.
So I asked her how she’d been holding up, and she looked away, and sipped her mug (which afterwards I packed in one of the bags for her to take away), and told me ‘pretty bad.’
And the question that should have been there, that should have been hanging over the whole conversation like a pair of garden shears, of ‘if we’re both so very miserable, why did we break up?’ – that question never came. It threatened, once or twice, but neither of us felt like saying it. It was obvious, really. Sitting there. Talking. It wasn’t good, or bad, just...was.
So she thanked me, and did the washing, waving me away as I tried to help, saying there was something therapeutic in it for her, to wash these plates in this house for the last time probably ever, and we moved through and started loading the bags into her car.
And just like that, it all was over.
And we stood in the doorway and stared at each other.
And wondered why we felt so distant.
Wondered at the life we’d had.
And wondered at the life to come.
She kissed my cheek, and vanished.
And there she went, her small red car disappearing down the road, fading to wherever it had come from. I stayed there, and watched the moment pass, and stayed a moment longer. The sun was setting, the sky afire, and a strange wind played upon my skin.
I said goodbye to Sunset Shimmer.
Sunnybuns
23:12 What are we, Wally?
23:12 Hmm?
23:13 What are we? 23:13 I mean really
23:14 What, you mean human? Dancers? 23:15 In your case, ponies? Prancers?
23:15 Hey, you were a pretty great pony too, I’ll have you know 23:15 Very cute 23:16 Extremely huggable
23:16 Why thank you. You were pretty cute yourself. For a pony, I mean. 23:17 Not to sound speciesest, but your human self is cuter ;)
23:18 Yeah? 23:18 That’s kinda my point
23:19 What is?
23:20 Like, you just called me cute. What does that make us?
23:22 I’m not sure what you’re getting at here.
23:23 Okay 23:23 Well 23:24 Okay
23:25 What does that mean?
23:26 Are we friends, Wally?
23:27 You’re not on this again, are you? Of course we are.
23:27 What do you mean ‘again’?
23:29 We’ve talked about this before, right?
23:30 Have we? 23:30 Oh! 23:31 Ohhhh right 23:31 This is different 23:32 Promise 23:32 No pony magic involved at all
23:33 Okay...
23:33 I’m meaning 23:34 When you call me cute 23:34 What does that *mean*? 23:36 You get me?
23:38 You worry too much about meanings, Sunset.
23:40 We’re friends, then? 23:41 That’s all it means? 23:41 Because that’s totally fine! 23:41 I was just checking! 23:42 Ignore me 23:46 Don’t suppose you have a spare memory stone lying around that I could use real quick? 23:50 Wally?
23:54 Sunset. 23:56 Are you perhaps asking me what I think you’re trying to ask me?
23:57 Iiiiiii guess 23:58 That depends on what it is you think I’m trying to ask you
Hey, it’s been a while. I think this is going to be my last diary entry. When Sunset suggested it, I needed this. A few years later, I didn’t need it any longer.
It feels strange to be thanking a book, but...thanks. Whether it’s the paper I’m writing on I’m thanking, or the Wallflower in the future (I hope it’s you, I’d probably die of embarrassment if anyone else was reading this): thanks for being patient with me. But I think it’s time for change.
The school was just what I expected. As in, I expected it to be completely different, and it was. It’s not even a school anymore, just a building, a big, empty building that the sign in front says they’re trying to turn into a sports centre. Well, I left some money in the donation box, and went round to check it out.
The whole thing’s overgrown, of course. The only reason it wasn’t when I found it first, the only reason I made a garden there at all, was because the stone was there. Its magic kept the woodland clear, and now, without it... Well, I found it, that’s what matters.
They’re going to have a hell of a job turning the place into anything. The whole building’s covered with ivy (oops), and it’s spread to most of the trees nearby, as well. Makes the forest much darker than it used to be, and that gives off a bad impression, thought I know it’s healthier than ever.
Pushing through the undergrowth, I found the rocks I spent so many years attending, covered now with lichen and half-buried in the leaves. The spot I found the stone is in there somewhere, but I didn’t try to find it. Not sure if I could. Why bother? With so many memories in such small space, I didn’t feel like digging up the bad ones.
So I sat there, and opened up the sandwich that I’d brought, and listened to the forest, louder and more vibrant than the distant drone of cars, full of life and energy. I saw the ivy, thick and lush, grown so strong in twenty years I hardly recognised it. I saw the school, where I’d met Sunset, where so many little, happy days were passed, and smiled.
I finished my lunch. I drank my water. I turned to go...and there it was. I’m not sure how I missed it coming in, nor when I sat in admiration of the forest, but there, as I was leaving, a sunflower blocked my path. Big and bright and beautiful, its petals opened wide to soak the sun, tall and strong and impossibly bold amongst the ivy. There were no others around, the trees were broad – it had been planted, it must have been; the only explanation for this small miracle. I ran my hands along its leaves as gently as I could, poured the last of my water out at its base. Bent to smell the slightly bitter scent, admire the loud and yellow petals.
If no one comes and cuts it down (and what reason would they have to?) it should be there still, blossoming in the summer sun. When autumn comes, the leaves will die, petals shrivel – but the seeds will drop, and maybe, in a year or two, if that sports centre ever gets proper funding, some kid will come along and find a grove of bright sunflowers, stretched out beneath the ivy.
A mark of what has been, and what can be, bursting at the seams with possibility. Blooming in the ivy: a spot of brilliant joy.
Sunnybuns
23:12 Do you want to try that again?
23:12 Hmm?
23:13 I believe you had a question for me last night.
23:13 Ah 23:14 Do you want to call?
Sunnybuns. Call duration 0:38.
23:56 Hope that was better than last night
23:57 I’m going to give you hell about last night for the rest of your life, I hope you understand that.
23:58 Awww 23:58 Can’t I just say “I love you” and get a pass?
23:59 That might help. A little. 23:59 A very little.
00:00 I love you, Wally
00:00 Love you too, Sunnybuns.
00:01 :[ 00:02 What the hell is sunnybuns 00:02 That better not be what you have me saved as
