So close yet so Far

by Kensuko

RUN!

Author's Note:

I am using my ocs if you were wondering who they are...Fantansia has some sort of magical system which Sun pelt and night storm.
Night Storm:
Appearance: Navy blue cat,who can blend in the dark very well, has a left blind eye, and an amber eye,has darker paws, grey muzzle,his fur is ragged from all the fighting he and his brother has to endure.
Description:
has a personality of a bad boy, who tries to be perfect in the eyes of everyone around him. But that lead him further down hill. Where he is forced to suffer in an unfamilair world, which he and his brother has some knowledge of them. He of course has a weak spot, If anyone dare to touch his family, even just accidentally hurting them-he would murder them, or just tear them to shreds a little, if their family doesn't want that attacker dead, he has soft spot to those who he loves dearly and care heavenly. he doesn't think before he speaks or do, all he does is do it. He is pretty straight forward. He thinks overthinking or overanalyzing is just the waste of time and potential. He tries his best to be their for the ones he really care, sans the ones who doesn't care about him.
Sun pelt:
Appearance: Messy thick furred bright ginger tabby with darker stripes, a white paw, and chocolate eyes.
Description:
He is kind...In his own way, he nearly loses his temper back there...where the angry mob is chasing them earlier, he smiles alot-Literally he likes to smile...and when he is alone he either cries or haves a tantrum go get rid of the bottled up emotions. He is the type of guy who would rather bottled up his emotions, he would rather keep his words to himself rather than hurt someone unintentionally. He sometimes has anxiety, he self loathes when he felt depressed, he doesn't know how his brother keeps his ego and confidence in-check, but he is willing to be just like his brother. He thinks,alo really,he thinks before leaping into action.

Credit to this peep who helped me with my grammar and stuff!:
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/411448/Prittypony1

Prologue:

Dark clouds came rolling in, as the sound of angry mob's screams echoed through the drizzling night. Two Felines ran, their pelts damped with sweat. The cool, soft, breeze soon turned into a harsh, cold, wind as two different fur colors ran past like a blur. The two felines ran past different obstacles as they were chased away by the townsfolk in the nearby village. The sound of hoof steps thumping on the hard forest floor. Blasts of magic being used can be heard in the still night air.The two most powerful felines of Equestria using their last remaining Fanstansian magic, ran for their life. Their energy was slowly draining away as they're magic was limited, their connection to the Fantansian system growing weaker.

They were being punished for breaking the rules on accident. They didn't have that many rules before and now that pathetic excuse of a king Keltron took the throne, placed a lot of orders.

They stopped and listened to the soft noises of the forest. The two felines we're bigger than the ponies in the nearby village. They had stopped to rest for a few minutes but they barely even closed their eyes when they were chased out of the medieval styled village.

The clear night sky was soon covered as a huge pack of dark rain clouds rolled in. The rain was pouring heavily, making the ground muddy and densed. Everypony was carrying pitchforks, shovels, and torches. The ponies followed the two big felines who wielded magic and could talk. Their yells deafened the night sky.They were considered Tartarus' creatures. The rain soon turned into a thunderstorm as strikes of lightning flashed behind them. The ponies never thought to stop or dry themselves.The yellow striped feline was panting hard as their paws stepped lightly, putting as much distance between them and the mob as it could.

Then the yellow tabby stopped and faced the mob head on. "Brodher! C'mon whatta ya doin'!?" A thick british-southern accent ran in the still night air accompanied by the yells of the villagers, and their unadvanced weapons.Sheesh would these horses ever give up? "I know you could’ve helped me get rid of them,”the yellow tabby yelled as he used his remaining energy to make a sonic wave at the mob with his pale muzzle. He gestured for both of them to run.

Some ponies were stunned with fear as the sonicwave rushed past them. Someone yelled, ”C’mon ponies let’s show ’em not to fucking mess with us! Equestria-” "But this isn't how friendship work-", said a young silver stallion with a blue mane, but was cut off by some other stallion with a black coat and a orange mane who yelled through the storm, “C’mon we don’t have time for stupid things! We need to get rid of them to make sure our foals are safe!” There was a unanimous cry of “Yeaaahhh” as the mob continued chasing them.

Both of them ran as fast as the wind, stepping lightly as they went. They came to a dense swamp running faster and only stopped as they fell into an unknown ditch in the middle of the swamp "Fuck.” A screech broke the silent damned up swamped as they keep on falling and falling.

"Who would swear at a time like-"

"Do*cough*finish that!" A loud thud was heard in the deep ditch as they landed. His amber eyes scanned the ceiling in front of them. The hole was big enough for both of them to get out. His blind eye was covered by some old rotten vines and plants that came down with them as they fell. The ditch was filled with ivy vines and other plants. There was a slight tug at his black tail. The furred ebony cat looked at his brother, his chocolate eyes darting to his side. They both looked at the small tunnel that was behind them. The little cave had cracks and plants that stretched around like veins. They nodded as they ignored the noises coming from above, echoing through the walls.

Their two eyes glowed in the dark as they descended into the cave. Their paw-steps echoing through the tight tunnel. Their breaths turned to steam as the temperature dropped suddenly. The black, ragged, skinny cat unsheathed his claws which sounded like metal chains being dragged.

In their world the sun moved on its own but in this world, some "alicorn princess" wields the power of the sun. Their ragged, fur brushed against each other for warmth. Their breaths were cut short as they got pinned in different places when they first got out of the tight tunnel. His amber eyes turned crimson.

Their attackers had red eyes. But one, whose eyes were neon blue glowing brighter than their companions, looked uncertain. When he looked closely they had white and orange colored ears which looked identical to their king. The king had a smoky appearance, an orange muzzle and paws,and a fake red collar.

Heh. Stupid descendent of King Keltron. Baring down at his attacker, his crimson eyes matched the skinny feline. His brother was pinned by two others, almost blending in the shadows. His eyes were met by his brother, silently communicating on how to take down these bastards. Then he was thrown at the side of the almost half lidded cavern. Their fangs bared at us. Dang my head hurts. My ears starts to ring. My aching tired body is making things worse. It felt like an entire avalanche of hard snow fell upon us.

"KARGGGHHH" My screech rang through the cavern. There were some minecarts and broken lanterns hanging In some areas, but it doesn't help when I need to see my enemies in front of me. There appearances shrouded by darkness. I felt like I was wheezing for some air.

Sun's POV:

"Night St-" A boulder was thrown at my yellow striped head. My Chocolate brown eyes darting slightly from side-to-side,I felt my eyelids growing heavy,every heartbeat. is starting to dwindle as I looked at Kishno. "Kishno how dare you," I hissed in anger, then I waited for sweet death to come.
”Well this is where i die then”,
I said as I blacked out.

Kishno's POV:
The two felines were soon knocked out. Their messed up bodies raising and falling. Confirming that their still alive. I felt myslf breath again. I haven't realized that I was holding my breath this entire time. My neon blue eyes still partially glowing. While the others has thier normal eye colors now. They seem to calm down and unraveled their cloaks. One of them who pinned down Sun pelt, has a black bear body,Has multiple limps; Which consists of a griffon's leg, a lion's leg as fore legs, a wolf hind leg and a moose' leg as hind legs. While wearing a demonic like skull. And the other one is a panther, with regular markings. and the one who has pinned night storm is a red wolf,with blue markings. They all look at me for guidance, and on what to do for this kind of situation.
"Man that was easier than I thought" The black panther said,looking liked he ran a marathon,even though he had slight problem of pinning down the big yellow feline.
"Yeah that was amazing...You could've seen the face of your's" The multi limped creature said with his usual sarcastic tone.
"Hey c'mon thats-"
"Hey now guys come on we gotta go and place 'em in the cells with the others..." The red wolf with a blind eye said as he picked up the scrawny black tom.
And followed suit as the multi limped bear.
My smoky grey fur prickled with guilt and shame as I hung my head lower than the floor.
"Cmo'n Kishno, these trespassers need to be taught a lesson not to disobey King Keltron himself". King Keltron is a part of my family. I’m one of his descendants. One of my comrades stepped on a broken land mine and exploded half of the cavern. It used to be a mine. Me and my comrades decided to head back. The angry mobs protests rang through the cavern. It sounded like they really wanna come down here and finish torturing my poor friends. My neon blue eyes darted around scanning the cavern,The gurads on duty nodded to us as their eyes glowed in the dark. Our paw steps the only sound in the still night air. The mine shaft was half broken. Half lidding the Cavern, We made a camp as assigned by the King himself. Observing the Equastrians from a safe distance. The echoing stopped and we reached the biggest part of the mine.
As the big Metal doors closed behind us. We left no trace of the fight in the darkest and not so used part of the cavern.

Comments

[Prittypony1]

I would suggest rewriting this. You have a lot of grammar errors. Put some paragraphs in here to make the story flow better. The background you give is interrupting the story. Save these bits for the first chapter. Maybe give a description of the throne room or environment they live in when you get to that part. Instead of giving us an info dump in the authors note about these characters, include some tidbits of that info in the story as you go along. You keep saying ”or something” it dosen't seem to be fleshed out enough. English isn't your first language huh. I’d volunteer to be a proofreader if you want.

[Sunny Milk]

If you ever decide to continue writing this, id recommend getting something to check your grammar or getting a proofreader.