Inside; Chapter 1.
Black. That was all. A never ending plane of darkness as far as the eye could see. Not that you possibly could see anything. However, a Pegasus, as it seemed, floated in the pool of black.
Its mane wafting sadly through the invisible breeze, feathers looping uselessly by its side. Its legs seemed to be dead as they to hung miserably from the pony. However her eyes were very much alive, glowing radiantly however searching frantically in a blur of rose pink.
This was Rainbow Dash.
Her mind was ablaze. Where she was and how could she get out were the only things on the cyan pony’s mind. As much as she tried, her entire body would refuse to even twitch to her command. She was slowly exhausting herself and it was only after what could’ve been hours of attempting to move did she accept that there was no way of getting her body to work.
Calming herself down, she looked around at her surroundings, or lack thereof.
“Where am I?” She contemplated. Instead of using her mouth to attempt to speak to anyone who might be in this hell hole she eventually resourced to talk to herself. Or, well, think to herself.
“No, wait...” She thought. “Why am I here? A-am I dead? Did I die?!” She was just about to start off on a frantic, panic-fueled train of thought when she noticed something in the distance. Rainbow could make out four legs, a head, a tail... It was a pony! However ,it was too far away to be able to make out whether it was a pegasus, unicorn or earth pony. Regardless, Rainbow was already celebrating the fact that at least there was somepony else here. The pony was floating further and further towards Rainbow, and she could also make out that the pony was in the same limp-like state as she was but it was something else that made Rainbow Dash abruptly stop celebrating. The pony looked exactly like Rainbow Dash. The same coloured mane, the same cyan coat, everything!
“What?! What the heck is this?! Who is she? Why the heck would she try to pose me?!” Went Rainbow’s rage-induced internal monologue. Now anyone with common sense would come to the decision that this impostor was a pegasus, but as the strange pony floated closer, Rainbow noticed that there were no wings flanking her side, but a unicorn’s horn on her head.
The pony was now inches away from her. Dash looked furiously at this faker however when Rainbow’s sight crossed track with the unicorn’s eyes. Something shook her to the bone. Her eyes were not a radiant magenta. No. They were a sickly dull amber. Not only that, but they stared sightlessly at the scared Pegasus.
It was as if the unicorn was dead.
Rainbow’s fury quickly dissipated, quickly replaced with worry as she searched the unicorn’s eyes for any sign of life.
Nothing.
Rainbow was inexplicably grieving for the unicorn. She never knew this pony, nor did she want to! So, why was she crying over it? She’s masquerading as her, for Celestia’s sake! Her questions were harshly interrupted by the dull, lifeless unicorn grabbing Rainbow by the hooves and pulling her closer. The unicorn’s eyes remained dull but her words dripped with venom.
“Rainbow Dash...” The unicorn spat out. Rainbow Dash was confused by her words however she was abruptly over come by a sharp knife like pain all over her. Her body suddenly switched into action as she screamed with agony. She grabbed her head and shook it for all the good it would do. But predictably, non came out of it. Her vision suddenly became blurry as the hospital room ceiling partly came in to view. She fully opened her eyes. Her screaming turned into croaky squeals and eventually stopped as her realization came into tact.
It was just a dream.
However, the pain was still a reality, but this time more focused inside her head. Her eyes were at pinpoint and her breathing was increasing at an alarming rate. Did she really wake up?
Why was she in the hospital? As the questions piled up in her mind her heart beat sped up massively. Rainbow snapped out of her current state and yelped lamely as the door slammed open and six ponies rushed into the room, all of them shouting incomprehensible words.
One of them was a yellow pegasus and she was... crying? She, out of all of them came in the fastest. Heck, if the door wasn’t already open slightly she probably would have crashed through it. However she didn’t slow down. She tackled Rainbow Dash and, still hovering centimetres above her, hugged her. Rainbow was both scared and confused by what just happened. She was about to say something but the yellow Pegasus beat her to it.
“Rainbow Dash!... thank... goodness... you’re... okay!” She managed to sob out.
Rainbow examined the crying Pegasus. She had an elegant pink mane, aqua eyes, and three pink butterflies as a cutie mark.
“F-Fluttershy?” Rainbow croaked. She spoke the words without thinking. As she examined the ponies that weren’t suffocating her through hugs, she slowly started remembering who these ponies were.
“Hey... guys.” Was all she could manage to say as the air in her lungs thinned out from Fluttershy, practically crushing her wind pipe.
“Uh... Fluttershy. I think you’re maybe hurting Rainbow a bit.” Said Twilight whilst trotting over to Rainbow’s bedside.
Fluttershy opened her weepy eyes in wide realization. For a few moments she remained motionless. However, after an awkward moment of silence, she quietly murmured her apologies and soundly hovered back down to the floor. Rainbow looked at the ponies after gaining her breath back. All of them looked like they’ve been crying, except the brown furred colt, who looked as if he’d just seen a puppy fight off a dragon.
“Rainbow Dash.” He began. Still with the look of awe imprinted on his face. “I’ve heard of miracles but the hit to the head that you took, well it... you” He was cut off by Twilight.
“It should’ve killed you!” She exclaimed. “How in Equestria are you still alive?! We were amazed that you were in a coma before but-”
“Wait! I’ve been in a coma?!” Dash’s reaction was understandably high-pitched, but nevertheless embarrassing “For how long?”.
Pinkie spoke next. “Dashie...y-you’ve been in a coma for 2 weeks now! The doctor told us just a few moments ago that you if it went on any longer, y-you might n-never wake up.” The usually loud and happy party pony stuttered out.
Rainbow looked around the room at the six ponies desperately searching for any signs of them disagreeing with the pink pony, however they all nodded in unison.
Her ears flattened against her mangled fur, her eyes shrunk and her mouth melted into a nervous frown.
“Oh...” she muttered.
Ok guys this is my first fic so please excuse any punctual errors, spelling mistakes ect. I hope you like it and also FIM belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
Not bad for a first fic. All the spelling and grammar mistakes are ones made fairly often. Unless you're an English professor (or you have impossibly high standards like me), you're almost expected to make at least a few of them.
As far as stroy goes, it's not bad. However, it is quite clear that this is indeed your first fanfic. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something about it that seems off; something that screams "I'm not reaching my full potential as a story". It's not bad, but it's not outstanding either. The only thing I know of that can fix this problem is practice.
1198778 thank you for your honest critique. Yeah I can see where your coming from and I'll see if I can work on it
This is a fairly good idea, and as such, I'll give it a free pass for the grammar and spelling errors. (There aren't that many. I'm kind of surprised.)
Great first attemt. Got atraced by the discribsen. You need to discribe more. Don't use common sence to discribe something. Use words as your main weapon to all the fic you will writhe. I am a criticer by heart, that means I had a sence of detail. If you need an editor, I am happy to help you. This story has alot of potential. I can feel it. The grammar in other hand is less wouthy your time.
See yea!
very very nice.
nice but tis is annoying me to high hell! instead of using ' you should be using " and they are supposed to be like this "Hi im Floppy!" not" Hi im floppy. " Okay? Beside that I cant wait for next chapter!
Normally I would find that the pacing of a First Fanfic to be going to fast but you aren't so that isnt what is wrong I believe. I think the thing you are missing is your flavor text; so to speak. -re-reads part of it- No wait.. that can't be it.. you described things superbly... I have to agree with JpHyper, SOMETHING is missing and I plan to figure it out so I can tell you how to make your story from good; to great. ^_^
Maybe its your spacing, you should have more spacing when it comes to dialogue. Powers of Harmony is one example I would use for this, it has the right amount of spacing without going overboard for it, in my opinion. That might be what's causing the flow problems this seems to have... maybe.. i'm rambling now so yea
EDIT: Also use Quotation marks instead of Apostrophes for dialogue, just noticed that 'cause of FloppyWhooves
Ooh, this looks interesting. *le follow*
Yeah, the grammar mistakes are kinda prevalent. Maybe a quick spell check would catch half of them, and then maybe a read-thru would catch the rest. Nothing a good hour of editing can't fix. There are people willing to read through what you write and correct all those mistakes you make. Just look for the Proofreaders group.
And like a few people (JpHyper and Lanafilly) I feel like the idea isn't being used to its full potential. In my opinion, the narration seems weirdly disconnected from the story. It's like actually being there versus getting the story secondhand from someone else who was there. It just doesn't feel complete. Plus, the ending seems a bit abrupt. Sure, we know what happened, but you kind of end on a whimper instead of a suspense note. I don't really feel any need to stick around.
However, this idea is one of the more original ones. I've seen some fics that play on this idea of an inside being, but I've never seen it applied to RD. You also have a great hook with the weird other RD. It makes me go "Who is this?" and keeps me reading.
All in all, not a bad first shot!
Good story. I like how it starts. Though I noticed one grammar error you might want to correct.
The pony was floating further and further towards Rainbow
*"closer and closer" works better.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
thank you everyone for your views on my story and the support. All of your advice has been really helpful for me and I'm glad you liked the story When I work on the next chapter I'll take your critiques into account and hopefully improve.
Thank you all so much!
This is a great story for a first attempt, there isn't anything that hasn't already been said about the technical side of things, at least that I can think of. Anyway, I like the concept and looking forward to see where you take this
What I'm expecting.
"I am a shadow, the True self! Everypony should always focus on me, Those who look away will suffer! Now, to get rid of the neighsayers!"
I don't care if u hav any mistakes this story is awesome so far
So far it's very good, so don't stop and write more! (please?)
1200750 Thanks, now you've forced my hand.