Odd's Oubliette: Otherwise Obsolete Oddities

by Odd_Sarge

YWN: Decontaminate Celestia upon her arrival to the Earth

Author's Note:

1-14-21 and 1-16-21.
After reading this, you might already know the inspiration:

In all, I loved practicing with this one. I'm very fond of stories featuring light "alien envoy" situations, and I made an attempt to funnel that goodness into a short scene. On top of that, I love Celestia and Luna, and as such I'm always in want of an excuse to try my hand at writing them.

Celestia had been to several nations during her lifetime appointment as a ruling princess of Equestria. In that time, she had met many species, brokering deals of peace between her ponies and their people. It was a constant of her life that had its own variables: the customs of other species were always different. That in itself was a facet of nationhood that many of her little ponies struggled to confront. But rather than bristling at each encounter, Celestia had come to enjoy these differences; it was the spice to her travels, with each ceremony a refreshing insight into a distant people.

It was fitting, then, that humanity humored her the most; few could claim to greet a princess by leaving her naked and soaking wet.

---

Humans had certainly mastered the art of metallurgy and glass. The industrial steel and reinforced glass of the dome-shaped building was an impressive calling card; many first-time visitors to Earth could recall the ‘hub’ building in intimate detail. The steel frame of the dome was filled in with a complex glass that filtered sunlight in a harmless way: it prevented the sun from blinding those inside the building, while also keeping the place well and naturally-lit.

Celestia took a moment to peer out at the now bare trees; the alien giants had shed their leaves for winter.

Beside her, the thrumming of magic was palpable and crystal clear. The gateway was a marvelous human invention that allowed the portal to maintain itself without user interference, so long as Celestia's spell remained unsevered. It was a sturdy steel alignment shaped in a horseshoe-bend around the blue vortex. Rivets lining the forged metal plates held the irregular shape together, and tough bolts secured the arch to the floor beneath.

Celestia turned to the double doors ahead of the gateway. Like the rest of the building, the doors were of a glass and steel construction, but imbued with an intricate set of quiet machinery that allowed them to glide open on their own. As the alicorn approached with a practiced gait, they did just that. Celestia stepped through the doorway as it closed behind her. The room sealed once more with a short hiss of air.

The two figures in the room looked up at the sound of the room repressurizing. Thick, layered faceshields hid their faces from sight, and carapaces of orange fabric protected their gangly forms. The ‘environmental protection suits’ were another peculiar condition of Equestrian visits to Earth. Celestia, to her chagrin, could not understand the worries that the suit-wearers regularly allayed her with; she could do little to harm them. Radiation was a concept she understood well—especially as one who raised the sun for her planet—and magic was an ocean that stood separate from the world of gamma rays. Worse, she was forced to contend with the feeling of shame each time she stepped into this room.

The figure on the right bowed at crisp angle. “Good morning, your majesty.” The woman’s voice, as projected through the suit’s speaker, crackled with static.

Celestia gave a polite nod. “It’s delightful to see you again, Dr. Cooper.” She turned to the motionless figure on the left. “And it is a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Bradford.”

The figure jumped slightly. “She knows my name,” came a hiss. Cooper turned to face the man, and at a snail’s pace, tapped the side of her suit’s helmet. After a brief, stunned moment, Bradford slammed his rubbery mitten’s palm to the side of his own helmet.

Celestia smiled at the nervous response; she knew the man had neglected to speak into his short-range radio, and for that he would pay a grievous price. “Unless the nameplate has fooled me, and you are not Dr. Bradford.”

‘Bradford’ turned away from Cooper, a new stiffness to his form. He made a few wild gestures, and lowered his arms. Celestia held her amusement withdrawn as the man’s mitten slunk back to where his ear would be. There was a click.

“I am,” came the delayed reply, as led by a forlorn sigh.

“Sorry about that, princess,” Cooper crackled. “Would you like to begin with the procedure?”

Celestia decided that Bradford had suffered enough for now. “I would very much like that, Catherine.”

Cooper was much less pliant than her colleague: a slight, inconceivable pause preluded her walk to the panel of flashing lights on the side of the glass hallway. Bradford chuckled, but said nothing more.

“Beginning decontamination procedure,” Cooper called.

Celestia stood still while the woman fiddled with the control panel. Soon enough, a telltale hiss started to worm its way through the floor beneath her. A moment later, several metal rods on either side of her began to rise from the floor. Immeasurably small holes dotted the pipes, and traces of steam rose from them. The pipes paused briefly in their ascent, stopping level below Celestia's withers. At the panel, a few inputs from Cooper allowed them to continue on their journey. They came to their apex just above Celestia’s horn. Another pair of pipes revealed themselves to extend from the side of the pipes’ tops, driving over her to meet one another. The hiss of steam had reached a crescendo, and the sound of gushing water filled the room.

Celestia readied herself by closing her eyes.

Steam and hot water flushed against her. Celestia had to resist the urge to curl into the soothing feeling, as her horn was already close enough to hit the overhead pipes. The floor began to vibrate, and she felt the ground beneath the pipes shift as the platforms moved to lase along the rest of her figure. Her mane and tail were drenched by the beaming water-onslaught in a matter of moments: her mane draped down beside her, completely obscuring one side of her head, and came to rest grazing the floor; her tail turned limp as well, and it trailed behind her at quite some length.

The body-hugging heat of the enveloping spray came to an end far too quickly for Celestia's liking.

There were no more games to play as the rest of the procedure continued. She reigned in her teasing. Amid the steam and clicks of metered equipment, Celestia was the perfect picture of royalty. And as was procedure, that too came to a swift end.

The princess waited patiently in front of the door leading out of the chamber. Dr. Cooper turned away from the intercom panel, and clicked her speaker on one last time.

“Your guards are waiting for you, princess.”

The heavy magnetic locks on the entrance racked loudly to the side, and the doors cranked open.

Princess Celestia thanked the bowing doctors, stepped out into the wintry dawn, and smiled ahead for her latest day on Earth.