"Wow what a turn out huh Bon Bon?" a sea green pony stated to a deep bluen and pink maned pony, the pony turned to her with a nod "Yeah, I heard the Grand Galloping Gala has a big turn out every year but I had no idea it gets this big!" she replied, the two ponies hung around the ballroom for awhile before the sea green pony started shuffling nervously next to Bon Bon, it didn't take long for her to notice a partners twitchy attitude "Lyra, Is something the matter?" she asked
"No, why in Equestria would you ask that?" she questioned Bon Bon with a obvious crack in her voice, Bon Bon always knew Lyra was a bad liar and giggled "Are you sure Lyra? you seem a bit nervous." she persisted as Bon Bon would notice her partners eyes always drifting towards a rather upper class looking pony with a light blue mane and a illustrius white coat with 3 crowns for a cutie mark "Does it have something to do with that big stallion over there?" she asked, Lyra locked up and looked straight at Bon Bon "No! of cause not! don't make me laugh" She said breaking into a horribly forced fake laughter making Bon Bon blush with embarresment "Okay okay I'll stop prying just please stop making a scene!" Bon Bon said in a hushed tone knowing Lyra gets over-emotional if something bugs her.
The white pony seemed to be talking to a Wonderbolt with a fiery orange mane, Bon Bon felt like she wasn't able to hold Lyra's attention whilst that Stallion was around and sheepishly asked "Lyra, Shall we get a drink?" she asked, Lyra immediately jumped at the idea "Yes that sounds great lets go lets go lets go!" she hurriedly said as she prepared to push Bon Bon off of the ball room floor when suddenly "Lyra is that you my dear what a pleasant surprise I didn't know you attended the Grand Galloping Gala still!" Lyra turned around to be face to face with the stallion "Oh...H-Hello Fancy Pants..." she gulped nervously and was stared at by Bon Bon "You know him Lyra?" she asked as Lyra nervously nodded, this was going to be the start of a very awkward night.
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This is my first fiction, probably going to be awful but what the hay, I'm writing this for a giggle.
Usually, each time someone different talks, it starts a new paragraph. Also, this was incredibly short with little attention to detail. Like, in the first sentance, they talk about how big of a turnout it is, but nothing tells us anything about it. Also, you should try reading your story out loud as it can help catch mistakes. The concept seems like a good one, but without details, it's not as good as it could be. Learning from past mistakes is the best way to learn imo, so keep on writing
76910 Well we all gotta start somewhere, I started by posting this fiction just cause I was thinking up crazy shipping names and came up with this insane plot involving Lyra, Bon Bon, Fancy Pants and Spitfire, When I thought up the name Lyra Lyra pants on fire, I felt it wrong to keep such a funny idea to myself so now I find myself writing with no past experience, I'm eager to learn how to write better fiction and be more descriptive, so your post helped and I thank you for your support 76915
76919 Lol, I just started writing three days ago, but I love helping new writers anyway I can
Well ZacZac pretty much caught the main issues, though I tend to cut you some slack on length since it is the first chapter.
I've been writing since '07 but I still have my issues. Best advice I can give you is read everything outloud, read constantly, and if you have issues with actions or character find a nice RPG to play.
Celestia's Paladin
The title made me lol so hard
Awesome story bro
77134 Thank you, that was the plan mwuhahaha too bad my fiction will proabably blow chunks, I'm a awful writer haha.