How Cozy Glow, Empress of Friendship, Last of the Alicorns, Super Cutie and all Around Great Pony, Conquered The World- An Exclusive Interview by the Canterlot Gazette

by Silvermyr

How to Win Friends

Author's Note:

Turns out that reporter pony from "Saddle Row Review" has a canon name according to the wiki, namely Buried Lede, so that's what we are going with here.

Buried Lede had mentored Trenderhoof. He had been head reporter of the Equestrian Games. He was the first to interview Twilight Sparkle after she became a princess. He wrote the article on Rarity's new Boutique in Saddle Row. He had interviewed everypony who was somepony. But this interview was going to be the crowning achievement of his career, if he got out alive.

He swallowed. Now he had to interview Cozy Glow, Empress of Friendship, Last of the Alicorns, Super Cutie and all Around Great Pony. It was the first time she had agreed to be interviewed, and the ponies of Cozyquestria were eager to get to know their new princess ( and alleviate the fears that she was a complete lunatic) and maybe he could even shed some light on why nearly all magic had disappeared when Cozy took power. Either way, it was his newspaper's duty to give ponies what they wanted, for a little bit of coin on the side, of course.

The guards waved him through the gatehouse and brought him through a grand vestibule. When Buried Lede was here last time, during Celestia's reign, some of the most famous paintings had fought for a place on these walls. Now, they were all replaced by a filly's pink and blue crayon drawings, each one sitting in an antique gold frame. The statues too had been replaced. There were now about fifty Cozy Glows watching him from every conceivable angle.

He was ushered through the foyer and up a stair to a bright and airy room. The stained glass windows were new, he saw. They depicted, what else, Cozy Glow.

Cozy Glow with her wings outstretched to embrace all of Canterlot.

Cozy Glow in the middle of a sunburst, radiant and glorious while the ex-princesses wallowed in shadows underneath her, their shapes twisted and wicked.

Cozy Glow leading a herd of ponies forward through the doors of Cozy Glow's Academy of Friendship (which she had founded, and anypony saying anything else was lying and had to be turned in).

And in front of him, laying leisurely over a golden filigree throne with her hind legs on the armrest, the Princess herself.

Buried Lede had never seen her for real before, only in pictures. She was small. Some would even say adorable, with her little tiara and gold regalia. She had a crayon in her mouth and a coloring book leaned against her legs.

Next to her stood a young griffon with a silver tray and a bushel of grapes. Every so often, Cozy would magic a grape into her mouth. Her magic was fiery red. Buried Lede pretended not to see the heavy leather straps that bound the griffin's wings to his side.

"Cozy Glow, Empress of Friendship, Last of the Alicorns, Super Cutie and all Around Great Pony, reporter Buried Lede has arrived!" The crier by the door was a sea-green pony with a few turtles for his cutie mark.

Cozy looked up with a big smile. "Oh, hi! You said you were going to write about me in the paper, right?"

Buried Lede quashed his worries. This was just an interview like any other. He knew what to do. He had done this a thousand times before. "Exactly kid! You're the Princess of Equestria when you're still a filly, and I'm gonna interview you to paint everypony a picture of how it all came together! A word picture, mind you, not an actual picture. I want everything! What you did, what you thought, what you felt- the more the better!”

Cozy's smile ran right off her. "Did you just call me a kid?" Her horn lit up alarmingly.

"NO!" Buried Lede all but shouted. "You must have heard an… optical illusion."

"Oh, okay," Cozy said, her smile back in place and her horn extinguished. "We can start, then. I've got to complete my drawing later though, so you have to be done before that."

"No problem ki- uh… capital time. I'm sure we'll have a capital time." Buried Lede corrected himself and loosened his tie a little bit. He was starting to feel sweaty.

"Okay then!" Cozy chirped. "Here is how I, Cozy Glow, Empress of Friendship, Last of the Alicorns, Super Cutie and all Around Great Pony took over Canterlot, and Equestria, and made everypony my friend, but in reality they are actually just mindless sheep!" Buried Lede nodded and made a note of that in his clipboard. It could make for a nice opener for his article. Though some things had to be left out, so Cozy did not kill him.

"I see," Buried Lede said. "Let me start with some simple questions, so the readers can get to know you, your… Cuteness. Then you can tell me how you conquered the world. And give me all the details. Are you ready?"

Cozy nodded energetically.

"Okay, your Cozyness. First things first: what is your favorite color?"

"That's easy," Cozy said and fluffed up her large alicorn wings. "Pink! Like me!"

"What's your favorite food?" Buried Lede continued.

"S'mores," Cozy answered. "Made over a campfire with your best friends."

"Right. And how old are you?"

"Thirteen and a half," Cozy said proudly.

"A really big pony, then," Buried Lede said. "Do you have any hobbies?"

Cozy nodded. "I paint and make statuettes of my friends and myself. Oh, and I really like destroying stuff! That last one is new though. It was only recently I realized how funny it can be to just take somepony's hard work and smash it to pieces! Maybe it's because I was just a small pegasus filly up until I conquered the world, so I could not really destroy very much even if I wanted to. But now, as an alicorn, that sure has changed. I can blast away the entire city of Canterlot if I wanted to!

Buried Lede deadpanned at Cozy. "Have I understood it right… your hobby is destroying stuff because it's fun?"

"Golly yes! And painting! And making statuettes! You saw how I had redecorated the way in, right? I made all those paintings!" Cozy grinned proudly. "But destruction is super fun too, and definitely something I want to do more often!"

"And… what is the most fun thing you have destroyed?" Buried Lede asked, though he really would prefer not to know.

"I know this," Cozy grinned. "In the battle for Canterlot, when Twilight realized her friends were sacrificing themselves to give her a chance to escape, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen! She cried like a little filly! And then, when she still did not get away, that was the funniest thing I've ever destroyed- her hope, in that moment!"

"And what happened?" Buried Lede asked.

"Well you see," Cozy leaned further back and seemed to search through her memory. "My best friend at the time, Chryssie, was simply too quick for her. Twilight tried to teleport away like a coward, but Chryssie was faster and leaped at her and bit her in the horn. Not only did it look painful, but it also left behind a lump of that green, waxy stuff changelings used to cocoon their victims. It stopped Twilight's magic long enough for me to zap her with an energy beam that sent her flying off of Mt. Canterlot."

Cozy felled her ears and got something sad in her eyes. "My other friend, Tirek, was not happy about all losing all her magic though. He even yelled at me after." Her temper perked up again over the span of a moment. "But that didn't really matter. All that mattered was that we had won! After that, Canterlot was ours!"

Buried Lede nodded and swallowed down his apprehension. "Okay. Then why don't you tell me just how you managed to conquer... Cozyquestria, after that?"

---

I find myself in the Canterlot sculpture garden. There are so many statues of the ex-princesses here, and I have decided to remove them. It's easy with my new powers. I can destroy everything!

"Cozy!"

I whirl around, wings outstretched and power crackling around my horn. I recognize that voice, and I know better than most I how dangerous she can be. Now that the battle is over Chryssie might turn on me, even if that would be really unfriendly. My heart is racing, but the moment I face her, I feel better. She looks relaxed. If she wanted to attack me then she wouldn't be. So she is not a threat. Not right now, anyway.

"Hi Chryssie! I was just helping a little with the redecorating effort!" I levitate up one of the statue heads I removed to show her. Also, if she tries to pull a fast one on me, I can beat her over the head with it.

"Never mind that, we need to talk." She moves closer. I suppress the urge to back away. She is way bigger than me, and pretty intimidating up close. But I'm a princess now, and a princess won't back down. "Do you know where exactly you sent Twilight flying to?"

I shake my head. "Nuh-uh. I didn't really aim anywhere, I just had to send her flying before our friend Tirek got ahold of her magic."

Chryssie nods. "I suspect he is already stronger than either one of us without him also having Twilight's magic."

"Why do you think that?" I ask and tilt my head a little. Ponies tell me it looks cute when I do that. "Wouldn't he already have tried to steal our magic too if he was?"

"I've been keeping an eye on him. He has been gorging himself on everypony in the castle staff. I just barely managed to hide Starlight from him before he took her too. A pity, really. I would have loved to see how tough she is without her precious magic."

Since Chryssie is my friend I don't want to see her sad. I want her to smile (and I want her to drop dead, but I'll do that later). I fly up and give her a pat on the head. "There, there… I'm sure you can still torture her later." Chryssie sighs, and then pushes me away. I want to remind her that pushing a friend away is pretty rude, but she was never that good at taking criticism, so I decide to let it slide this time. Besides, we have things to discuss. "But if you hid Starlight, then that means Tirek does not have any easy meals left, so you think he will come after us now?"

She nods. "I propose a truce until we are rid of him. If he gets either one of us, Twilight, or Starlight, I don't think he can be stopped."

A small laugh bubble in my throat at that. Silly Chryssie! "Golly, why would we need a truce? I never once thought about betraying you and tying you up and then drop you down the mountain so you split your head open! Not once. Honest!"

"Whatever you say…" she mumbles. For some reason I don't think she believes me. "Do you have any idea how we can stop him before he gets ahold of any more power?"

In fact, I have spent months think about exactly that, but I'm not stupid enough to tell that backstabbing Changeling about my plan. Even if she is my best friend. "Uh… I'm just a filly, so I dunno."

She glares. In fact, she looks quite ready to jump at me. I swallow and extend my wings a little. If she tries, I should try to fly forward, under her legs. That can give me some precious seconds to nail her with an energy beam and-

"I see," she says, or hisses, really. "Well, fortunately for you, filly, I have an idea of my own."

I release a breath I did not realize I was holding, and feel a smile tug at my lips. "Yay! I knew I could count on you, my friend!" I cheer and hug her chest. Since she feeds off of love, I'm sure she likes being hugged. She makes a nauseated sound, but I just hug her tighter. She has to work quite a bit to peel me off of her.

"When I cocoon my victims, they are put into a coma. It lasts basically forever, unless I remove the cocoon to feed on the victim. I could cocoon Tirek and keep him trapped until we found some way to pull his stolen magic from him. Then he'd no longer be a threat."

"That's perfect!" I nod. "I'll just wait here then, while you go and take care of him." When she doesn't move, I shoo her a little with my hooves, but she remains still.

"It's not that simple. If I am to overpower him, I will need to a lot of love to fuel my magic."

"Oh… but I love you enough for you to win!" I hastily assure. Because it is true. Friendship is power, and since I'm such a good friend, I can probably give her limitless power. "So just go and kill him already! I'll cheer for you."

Chryssie deadpan at me, before shaking her head. "There are many types of love I can feed of. The stronger the emotion, the more power it holds. I think that if I could eat both Twilight's and Starlight's worry for their friends, then it would be enough for me to take down Tirek. That worry comes from their love, and I know how strong it is."

Now, I am a very patient little filly. I'm willing to play for the long game and slowly make my victims trust me. But sometimes I get really, really mad. Usually it's because one of my marks is too dense to do something very simple. This is one such time. "WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME, YOU STUPID OVERGROWN ANT!" I scream with all my might. "I LOVE YOU ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET YOURSELF KILLED! RIGHT NOW! DON'T THINK SO MUCH; JUST DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!" I stand still and heave in anger for a few more moments, feeling the fury in my chest cool. Then I look up at Chryssie's dumbfounded face. "Pretty please?"

"I already have Starlight," Chryssie say, looking uncertainly at me. "So you have to find Twilight. Lure her to me and I will crush Tirek." She licks her lips hungrily. "I will drain Starlight and Twilight together… I want them to despair together."

"Despair is the best when shared with friends," I agree. "But what will you do while I hunt Twilight down? It's not fair if you let me do all the work."

"I will stay here and stall Tirek, to be sure he does not get ahold of any more magic. It's simple; you find what I need to end him, and I will stop him from coming after you."

It's not a bad plan. Besides, helping one other is what friends do. But I still pretend to think a little more about it. I want her to admit she needs my help before I agree to this. It would feel better like that. A filly wants to be appreciated, after all.

"Listen, even if you don't trust me, we can't afford for Tirek to get any more power if we are going to have any hope of defeating him. You can't hope to both keep him from gathering power while also working on a way to defeat him on your own. You need my help."

"And you need my help, riiiight?" I ask with a big smile.

Chryssie glares at me again. "Yes," she spits.

"Okay… I'll do it."

Chryssie smirks, showing way too much of her fangs for comfort. "I knew you would see things my way eventually. Now get going. I will hold things here." With that, Chryssie buzzes away upwards, to the castle spires. I suppose they are awkward for Tirek to get to, and they also offer a good point to keep track of him from.

And probably to keep track of me from, too. Because I'm not stupid. Obviously, as soon as Chryssie has enough love to overpower Tirek, she will turn on me too. In fact, she probably hopes that Twilight will kill me when I find her. But despite that, her plan does have some merits.

Really, with some very minor changes, it's just the perfect plan. For me, anyway.

---

"Am I doing okay?" Cozy suddenly asked. "I have never been interviewed before."

"Very good, your Lovableness," Buried Lede said, not that he'd ever dare say anything else. "So what did you do after Chrysalis asked you to help her?"

"Well, I didn't know where Twilight was, so for all I knew she could by trying to find Chryssie herself," Cozy explained. She took another grape from the griffin's tray. "So that meant I had to get Starlight away from her before she could get Twilight. But I had to figure out where Starlight was first."

"And you didn't know where Chrysalis had taken her?" Buried Lede hazarded to ask.

"Nuh-uh." Cozy shook her head and took another grape. "But I have something Chryssie never expected. I have completed elementary school! And we talked a bit about the royal wedding invasion! I figured she might have hidden Starlight down in the Canterlot caves. Chryssie shouldn't know everypony knew about those caves after her first attempt."

"Was Chrysalis really that dumb?" Buried Lede asked. It was not the most professional question he had ever asked in his career as a reporter, but he had a feeling it was a question Cozy would approve of.

The first rule of mass media was to give ponies what they want. And when interviewing a pony like Cozy, it did not only apply to the readers.

"She sure was! So I flew down there, and I found Starlight hanging from the roof in one of Chryssie's cocoons, but with her head free. I think Chryssie wanted Starlight conscious so she could torture her. I think I even saw some fire pokers down there, next to a brazier!"

Buried Lede loosened his tie a little bit again. He briefly wondered if Cozy had kept any torture devices, before he realized he most certainly did not want to know the answer, nor would his readers.

"Anyway, before I went down there I took a quick detour to the castle pantry," Cozy said. "I needed to make some hot cocoa. You see, once when I was in trouble, Starlight made me cocoa and helped me through my problems. So I wanted to do the same for her. Then I went down to the caverns."

---

"Guidance Councilor Starlight? Is that you up there?"

I see her ears swivel towards me, but otherwise she is still. Actually, she looks a little rough around the edges. Like, really tired somehow. Maybe it's because she is hanging upside down? Maybe ponies shouldn't do that too much? Or is the cocoon doing something to her?

Anyway, since she does not answer, I fly up towards her. Her eyes are closed, so I boop her nose. That should get her attention. "Councilor? I need council."

"C-Cozy Glow?" Her eyes are bloodshot and wary, like she has not been sleeping for days. She doesn't even look happy to see me. She just groan and wince like she was hurting somewhere. That's not good. I can't have her injured; she is supposed to help me with my plan.

I need to get her down and look her over. So I grab the cocoon in my magic and tear it away from the roof before setting it down on the crystalline floor. Starlight winces again. She keeps her eyes shut for a few moments after she is down, but when she open them again she looks at me with a little more clarity.

"Cozy Glow?" Starlight asked. Her voice sound really, really dry. "What are you doing here?"

"Easy now," I say and removed my saddlebags. "We've got to get you out of this gunk first." I put my forelegs to the cocoon. It's tough and waxy, and I can feel my magic protesting against it. "Do you know how to break this?"

Starlight stares at me, long and hard. I want to remind her that it's not polite to stare, but she looks tired so I decide to let it slide. If she is tired she will be to grumpy to care anyways. Then finally she says something. "This stuff is not that hard. If you can move freely, you can break it with your hooves."

I nod and rear up on my hind legs before slamming my hooves down on the cocoon. It breaks really easily, actually. But maybe it's because I'm so strong now, as an alicorn? Anyway, Starlight staggers to her hooves.

Then she suddenly lifts me in her magic! After I freed her, the first thing she does is trying to catch me! Who does that to a friend?

But she doesn't anticipate that I'm just as strong as she is now! I will power into my horn and grapple with her magic around me. She fights back, but I overpower her. Maybe she is still a bit weakened from her time in the cocoon, because I really thought she would be tougher than that.

"Golly, councilor, you really should try to be more friendly," I say once I'm back down. "But I will be the bigger pony and lead by example." I pick out the thermos of cocoa from my saddlebags and pour her a cup. "See? Friendship cocoa! Just like you did for me once! You know, before you ruined everything?"

Starlight does not move to take my cup. She just glares at me. "Give me one reason not to assume that's poisoned. Besides, I still want my question answered. What are you doing here? Why are you helping me?"

Well, if she isn't thirsty, I decide to just get straight to the point. "Well, because I need your help."

Starlight stare at me like I've just said something silly, even if I haven't. "Really? You want my help now? After everything you've done?"

"Uh-huh! Tirek and Chryssie are both out there, and they want to kill each other. And me. And you too, and all your friends. So I figured it would be a good idea to help one another out. That way, we are both a little safer. And friends should help each other out. That's what I told Chryssie when she asked for my help to kill Tirek."

Starlight just continues to stare. "Yeah… I don't feel very safe letting you anywhere near me."

"So then what do you want to do? And just so you know, you don't even have the option to use the elements of harmony this time. No sending anycreature to the moon!" I grin. It's fun to mess with her head.

"And why is that? Because that sounds like a great idea to me." Starlight said.

I smile. "'Cause your other friends have just had their magic drained by Tirek. All but Twilight, but I sent her flying away."

Starlight's eyes narrow. "You've seen Twilight?"

I nod. "Uh-huh! She tried to stop us, and then I blasted her away! But if you find her, you should tell her to thank me, 'cause I saved her from Tirek by doing that."

Starlight grits her teeth. Her stare is angrier now. "Don't think I'm not on to you, Cozy. The only reason you let me out is to make me and Twilight defeat your former friends for you."

I shrug, and smile a big, innocent smile. "Golly what a good idea! But it'd be even better if we could just be friends again! When Tirek and Chryssie are dead, I promise I'll even let you be headmare of my revised friendship school! And I'll let you visit Twilight in Tartarus once a year too! Isn't that generous?”

"I think you need to retake Rarity's classes." I have to actively dodge out of the way to avoid her walking right over me. "Now get out of my way. I will find Twilight, and we will send all you three back to Tartarus, if the moon is not an option."

I don't even get to protest. She teleports away without even trying my friendship cocoa.

I fell my ears. I mean, who just leaves a poor little filly down in a cave all on her own? Without even trying her cocoa? That's not nice.

Comments

[StarlightisVERYcute]

"Uh-huh! Tirek and Chryssie are both out there, and they want to kill the each other.

This should be "kill each other".
Excellent story! I really like Cozy's style.

[Jura18511861]

Cozy Glow is really creepy.