Equestria Sucks!

by Green

One - The War Party

"Alright, let's do this! LEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS!" The four others in the group visibly winced as their companion quoted his hero.

"Oh my god, he just ran right in!" Laughed a goblin, pointing at his friend as he swam straight for a huge, menacing eel. "Ah, that never gets old."

"Zix! Don't encourage Deth's bad behavior. Now get Kadrek out of the coral and let's make sure he doesn't get himself murdered." Spoke a tall blood elf, an annoyed edge to his voice. He was wearing a helmet despite the water breathing spell to avoid his hair being ruined. "Thunder, if you please."

The tauren obliged, swimming towards their wayward tank. He procured some totems from his pouch and let them float into the water, careful not to place his fire totem down. Learned that the hard way. By that time, 'Deth' had taunted the creature by dropping his heavy plate leggings, a sight no one wanted to see, especially from the undead one in the group.

The creature roared and began swimming towards the headstrong Deth, and Thunderstomp conjured an earthen shield around his ally just before the creature attempted to munch on him. The eel broke three teeth on the rocks, but the shield wouldn't dissipate until the battle was long over.

By this time, the elf had started calling down the powers of the arcane, still afraid to use frost or fire magic in the underwater terrain. Good thing it was what he was best at. Zix had also whistled for his panther, Kadrek, who clumsily clambered from the bushes and rushed the target.

The fight was going well, the waters were turning red with blood. It was hard to tell whose it was, the adventurers were so immersed in the battle that they didn't notice their injuries. Except for Thunderstomp. The poor tauren was having a hard time keeping up with all of the healing he had to do, and he couldn't tell who was needing it more.

Zixik called for Deth to stand clear of the eel and drew his bow, aiming a powerful shot towards the creature's eye and letting it fly loose. The only reason that it had worked underwater was a powerful enchantment placed on it by Varillian, the party's mage.

The perfectly aimed arrow lodged itself in the target, causing the eel to writhe and screech in pain. Zixik silently congratulated himself on a job well done and let his guard down for a moment, which was not a great move. This attack caused the huge sea creature to focus its fury on the poor marksman, and Thunderstomp didn't have time to react with a healing spell.

The creature surged forward, ready to make the goblin eel-chow. A roar sounded as a huge sea-lion looking creature shoved the stunned Zixik out of the way and swam headfirst into the creature's mouth.

"Augh! Alirak! Quick, guys, shoot it! Hit it! Get her outta there!" The goblin had recovered from the attack, but didn't have a moment to respond. Sounds of a bear's roaring echoed from within the beast's jaw, before they saw a bear gouge its way through the roof of the mouth and out the top of the head, goopy blood and brain matter being carried away on the current.

The bear swam back and forth a bit before turning its attention to the four awestruck adventurers. "I told ya ta tell me when ya needed help, Deth. But no one tells ol' Alirak anyting, now do dey? Didn't tink so. Dis coulda been ovah a lot quicker if ya had just called me, but nope. Have ta charge in..."

The Forsaken that she was addressing crossed his arms and shook his head. "Dude, you're a nub. I dunt nid help from yous." He sneered, sticking his tongue out, which unfortunately made his jaw pop off. After rearranging it, he once again made a face. "And that's xXDethXx to you! Stupid noob."

The bear rolled its eyes before the fur and bulk melted away to reveal a female troll, obviously a druid. "Thundah, ya doin' okay or do ya need me ta take ovah from here?" Alirak glanced over at the panting tauren, whose sweat was blending with the waters of Vashj'ir.

"No, I am fine. Thank you for your concern." Thunderstomp retrieved his floating totems and sank to the ocean floor to rest for a moment.

"Alright, Deth, get ovah 'ere." Alirak called, narrowing her eyes at the tank, who was lazily swimming about in circles, making no effort to hide his boredom.

"Ugh, what do yous wint, nub?" 'xXDethXx' begrudgingly directed his attention to the druid, who was obviously not happy, corners of her mouth turned down around her protruding tusks.

"I want ya ta relax, mon. Ya almost got Zix here killed, and ya gonna give Thundah a heart attack if ya keep dis up." Alirak launched into a lecture, which the members of the party automatically tuned out. "Ya need ta be a responsible tank, make sure none of ya friends get hurt, and ya gotta call fa help when ya need it..." She blabbed on, hardly noticing that Deth had swum away five minutes ago.

"And dat's how I became a great tank." She finished her story, before sighing and noticing that Varillian was studying wildlife, Zix was playing fetch with Kadrek, and Deth was trying to pull a prank on the now-sleeping Thunderstomp.

"I hate ya all. I really do, mon." She mumbled, swimming towards Varillian. "Hey, elf." She growled, narrowing her eyes. Other than Deth, Varillian was her least favorite group member. Not only was he a wimp, but he was... well, an elf. "Elf! I'm gonna go wake up Thundah and grab Zix and Deth. Start workin' on a portal ta Orgrimmar. It's time we got outta here."

Varillian looked as if he was going to make a snooty rebuttal, but decided against it and began focusing his magic. Alirak had soon rounded up the rest of the group.

Zix grinned, patting the panther at his side. "Looks like this is it, guys! Finally heading home after... how long down here? Feels like forever." He sighed and leaned back, crossing his arms behind his head. "I'll sure miss floating like this. But hey, fresh air! Can't wait to get back to Eversong and meet up with Elle to track down that spirit bear we've been hunting for ages!"

The group was now chatting excitedly about what they were going to do when they got back to Orgrimmar. That is, except for Varillian. He gritted his teeth, concentrating on their destination before fizzling the spell.

"IN THE NAME OF THE SUNWELL, PLEASE! SHUT UP!" He yelled, causing Kadrek to swim away in terror. Clearing his throat, he apologized. "I'm sorry, friends. I just... am kind of irritable while I'm conjuring portals."

They waited for the next spell to be cast in silence, and this time it was much more effective. Soon they had a little gateway to Orgrimmar opened up right next to them. "Alright..." Spoke the mage. "Let's just swim through in a nice, calm, orderly fashion and-"

"ME FIRST, NUBS!" Yelled Deth, shoving his way through the portal and landing on his stomach on the other side. Zix was next, hopping through the portal with Kadrek, who had quietly snuck back. Thunderstomp hung back, waiting for Alirak and Varillian to slip through before taking it himself.

The five friends emerged on the other side, breathing in the dry Durotar air (except for Deth, he doesn't breath) and glancing around at the busy city before them, the group broke apart without a word to do their normal everyday things. Varillian headed towards the auction house to see if he could find something to stitch up a tear in his robe, Zixik headed to the barber shop to get a color change for a party that a friend was going to have, Alirak flew off as a bird to have a chat with an old friend, Deth scaled a rocky wall to kill some critters, and Thunderstomp was left in the dust with nothing to do, which wasn't unusual for him.

Sighing, he walked down the Orgrimmar road, nearly having his head taken off by a Forsaken warlock who was getting into a magic fight with a mage on the other side of the path. As he walked past Grommash Hold, he noticed something strange around the entrance. Are those... hearts? He thought, approaching to take a closer look. They were hearts. Pink ones. With little ribbons.

It was nowhere near Love is in the Air, and that's the only reason that he thought Garrosh would allow pretty pink ribboned hearts to be put anywhere near his beloved hold. Certain that all was not well, the shaman tentatively walked towards the hold, the guards at their posts seemed as confused and worried as he was. He directed a questioning glance to them and they nodded nervously, gesturing for him to enter.

He did, and what he saw was even more troubling. Sitting on the Warchief's throne was Garrosh Hellscream, but this wasn't the odd thing. On top of his head was a shining tiara, with beautiful sparkling gems inside of it. All of the ambassadors in the room seemed awkward and nervous, including the guards, who were wearing something that was different from the normal uniform.

They were wearing strange gold armor that didn't seem to cover up much and wouldn't be very effective in combat. It looked like something a healer would wear if they didn't expect to engage in hand-to-hand combat.

What was worse was the grin on Garrosh's face as the tauren entered. It wasn't a wicked grin, it was a genuine grin of happiness. "Welcome, friend!" He said giddily. "Welcome to Canterlot!"

Comments

[Green]

I'm such a nerd.

[Digitalis]

Oh God, Garrosh is a brony!

[clubbzz]

1144327
Ok, this alone makes me want to read this.

Edit:
Ok, seriously, I've had tanks like that which is why i stopped healing.

Other then that it had me laughing my ass off the whole time.

[Digitalis]

1144577 Me too, but since I was DPS, my only option was leaving the group and find another (I use a lot of LFG).

[Green]

Thanks. XD I know most of this stuff from experience, I've played a healer, tank, and DPS before, but I've always been a DPS at heart. Couldn't resist the temptation of having xXDethXx be a character name... and saw that tank would be fitting. /innocent whistle