Double Injury: Guilt

by Player 4

Chapter 4

Author's Note:

After another long journey, here's Chapter 4!

This was my favorite chapter at the time of its completion.

It's still the same day.

While Applejack was talking with her pony friends, you remained in the hospital; it doesn't seem like you'll be getting out for quite some time.

Even though you successfully fell asleep the previous night, you were finding it difficult to do anything with the excruciating pain in your bucked leg. That was all you could think about. But it still didn't translate to any hard feelings. If Applejack were to come in, you'd welcome her with open arms. Not only was she your closest pony friend by far, but having a visitor would be the ultimate solution to your boredom; after all, the only activity you could really do in the hospital was read. Nothing wrong with reading, of course, but given that you came from a world full of TV, video games, and the Internet to one without any of those things, it was jarring and unsettling to have nothing but books.

In that time, though, you did manage to do something you hope will turn out great; you prepared for your talk with Applejack. You went over what techniques you would use to try and comfort her. Determined to push her further down the path to recovery, you are eager to carry your techniques out.

Meanwhile, Applejack, on her way to the hospital, was feeling both good and bad at the same time. The talk she had with the other Mane Six really helped; they got her to smile again. And she was excited to see you.

However, she still had a bad taste in her mouth doing so, because of the accident. She knew this was the right decision, but was feeling pretty confident that she'd start crying again after directly seeing the result of what she had done.

---

Your nurse comes up to your room, opens your door, and lets out a sentence you've been waiting to hear.

"Applejack is back. Would you like to see her?"

"Oh yes!", you say. "Please, let her in!"

The nurse goes back downstairs to notify Applejack of your invitation. You wait excitedly.

Your friend comes through your door. Still feeling guilty, she lets out a sad-sounding greeting.

"Howdy, pardner", she says with a voice that indeed displayed Applejack's difficult situation.

But your mind had glossed over that for now. You were thrilled to see your buddy.

"Hi, Applejack! So good to see you!", you say.

Applejack smiles a bit, clearly hearing from your response that you weren't upset with her. She already knew that, but it takes more than one reassurance to really soothe her.

After a brief silence, you speak again.

"How are you feeling?"

Applejack responds. "A bit better, but still, not very good. Especially after seein'... your leg there." She sadly sighs.

"It's all good," you say. "Even if I tried, I could not bring myself to have any negativity towards you. What happened here was nothing more than an accident. And furthermore, the good things you've done negate this."

"Yeah, the girls were tellin' me about that, but ah just... can't. The tears start up.

"Come here, Applejack. I'll pet you, and we'll talk."

No way was she going to refuse this; you are a friend now, and she can't resist a good petting. She hops on.

You show your affection, running your hand through Applejack's mane and across her back, with a bit of scratching too. She is unable to not react to this, letting out a soft "hmm."

Having kept your friend calm, you start speaking.

"Okay. So, remember what I said earlier about this being something that just happens sometimes, because the world is not perfect?", you say.

"Yeah. That resonated with me.", Applejack says. "Ah liked that point a lot."

"Good!", you respond. "You're taking things others say into account, which I know is hard. You're doing well, AJ."

Heart-touched by this statement, Applejack sinks deeper into your love, reaching her legs out to hug you. Incapable of not reciprocating this, you tighten your comfort program while continuing the petting.

"Here's another thing that should help. The fact that you're feeling guilty means you're a good pony. You're going through this precisely because you did not want to hurt me. What a bad pony would do is intentionally do something like this and not apologize. You were the complete opposite.", you say.

Applejack stays silent for a while, thinking about your statement.

"Well... okay, ah guess ah'm not a bad pony... but still, what ah did was a bad thing! Very bad!" She lays her head into your body, starting to cry more.

You feel like you've lost progress here.

"I thought you said my statement about things like this happening resonated with you."

"Yeah."

"So, why do you still feel bad?"

A pause ensues. Then Applejack lets out a full description.

"It's just that, the severity of this, and the fact that ah'm responsible. Ah caused you extremely intense pain like no tomorrow. Ah could see ya reactin' to it yesterday. It was way too easy to tell how bad it hurt ya. And ah caused you that pain. Furthermore, you're immobile. Ya can't live your life like you're supposed to. Ya can't do your daily activities. All ya can do is lay here in this hospital bed. Your life is severely upended... all because of me!"

It now feels like the previous day all over again; a blue stream rolls from her eyes and onto your bed.

You continue with your trusty method of silent hugging and petting, keeping your mouth quiet before you find a response to Applejack's statement.

After you help her gain enough composure, you come up with something.

"Let me tell you this, AJ. I have a habit of taking good from the bad. Whenever something negative happens to me, I stop and think for a second, about a lot of things. For one, I think about what I take for granted. And this definitely applies here. You were talking about my mobility; well, that's something pretty much all of us who have working limbs take for granted. We don't really stop to think about how lucky we are to be able to walk. It's possible to have your legs paralyzed, or lose them all together. This experience has helped me realize that. When my leg is healed, I'll now know to pay attention to my leg abilities, and be grateful that I have them."

"Yeah, Fluttershy told me somethin' about that, takin' good from the bad, but that sounds... wrong to me! It feels like we're tryin' to downplay or make light of a very serious situation!", Applejack says.

"I understand that. It does seem wrong at first. But hear this out: finding the good in the bad is important, because dwelling on the bad makes us feel bad! Looking only at darkness will not help you find a light. And that damages our lives! We're not supposed to constantly be sad!"

"You talked about how you damaged my life with this accident, but in order to go back to my normal life that you also talked about, I cannot allow this to take over."

"I would not be able to get my proper life back if I was drenched with anger and resentment. Likewise, you cannot get your proper life back while being riddled with shame, guilt, and regret."

"That's not to say we shouldn't feel bad feelings; it's important to do so, but they have to leave at some point."

"It's perfectly fine for you to be sad about what happened. But you can't let it demonize your life, and that seems to be the path you're heading down, with the going to jail and ostracizing from society."

You've spoken to Applejack very well here. You were afraid you had been too harsh on her with the last comment, but she is not bothered. She is taking your words to heart, giving them a good listen and think-out, after which she is unable to form a counter-point.

"Ah like that. That makes sense to me."

"Okay, good! Now here's this. Did any of the girls tell you that this would pass eventually?"

"Yeah, but ah don't believe it. Breakin' someone's bones is not somethin' I can recover from doin'."

"I know it's hard to grasp. But you must believe that it's true, because it is. No matter how bad a situation is, you always get out of it. That's the way the world works. While it is true that all good things must come to an end, the same is true for all bad things."

"Think of any other distressing situation in your life. Like, look to the time you didn't win the rodeo competition and went through that period of not wanting to tell anypony, and then the aftermath. That was a long event that I'm sure felt inescapable when it happened. But you did escape from it. The nightmare ended, and you recovered."

"The same will happen here. Everything passes eventually."

Applejack goes silent for a bit. She understands what you said and believes it, but has now realized she's lost her routine.

"Well, what do ah do to pass the time?"

"Try to get back into your normal life. Not all at once, but gradually. Part of recovering from a traumatic event is to slowly reopen yourself. Try doing small tasks on the farm, or going out to eat with one of your other friends, or something like that. Start small, but do something."

Applejack likes this idea, and all the others. She's very happy with you.

"Well, thanks for the nice talk, pardner. Ah know ah should take your advice to heart and use it, but it's just... so hard to let go of the guilt!"

"I know it's hard. And it's okay to feel it for a while. Recovery can't be rushed, and that's why I'll lend you a shoulder to cry on, just as I was doing today and yesterday."

"But I couldn't let you drown yourself in guilt so much that you'd kill your livelihood. I needed to put a stop to those big plans you talked about yesterday, so I felt like I needed to be a little pushy. But I'm sorry if I was too much."

"Nah, it's okay, pardner. Ah understand; you were scared. And ah am now too, ah know that leavin' society would be way too much. The thought of that really frightens me."

"But ah still feel like ah need to be punished in some way."

Here was something you were not prepared for. Somehow, it had alluded you during your preparation that Applejack might still have a desire for punishment.

You couldn't bring yourself to tell her that, though. You had spent the entire day reassuring her, and it was clearly working. You couldn't let her down now.

The room falls quiet for a fairly long time, but Applejack doesn't say anything. She is being very patient with you; she knows it's not easy to help a pony suffering from this much guilt.

At last, you come up with something.

"Here's the thing, AJ. You see here how forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving someone else, right?"

"Yeah."

"That will spill over into punishment. We are our own worst critics, and that messes up our judgement as to how badly we should be punished, or whether we should be at all."

"Because we are overly harsh on ourselves, it takes an outside influence to know that. And your outside influence says no. The other Mane Six are not upset with you, nor am I. And I'm sure that everypony else you know won't be upset either."

"I don't really know how to explain why, but we just don't have the ability to correctly give ourselves retribution."

"Okay, ah guess ah'll try not to punish mahself. Ah've been listening to you on every point you've made; ah'll listen to you on this one. But ah don't quite get it as to how self-punishment apparently doesn't work and how we're our own worst critics."

"Well, I don't either. There's a lot of science behind it that I didn't have time to look at before you got here."

"Ah'd appreciate it if ya'd research that science for me, but don't feel like you have to. You're stuck in the hospital with a broken leg; you deserve to relax."

"I like to pass hospital time by learning, so I'd definitely do it, but I still feel like you should go see Twilight. She may not be a scientist, but she's the master of research, and she's bound to have a book on this. Plus, spending time with multiple different friends will help you get back to normal."

"Okay, ah'll go see Twilight tomorrow."

"Do ya have anything else to say to me?"

"Only one more thing. Remember what I said about everything passing eventually?"

"Under the same light, just because this accident happened doesn't mean we don't have a great future together as friends."

"This accident did not change my view of you or our friendship whatsoever. You have so many great qualities that make you a great pony. You're hard-working, determined, easy-going, and super hospitable. And you displayed all that to me right from the get-go! Remember when I first arrived here in Equestria? Despite having the intent to do it, I got scared, because I was put into an unfamiliar and uncertain situation. I had no idea how you and other ponies would react to seeing my species. I had no place to stay. I didn't know what to do with my career and overall life; how it would change. I was anticipating the culture shock. Also, I had no way of returning home. I still don't."

"But you melted all that away, Applejack. You were super calm. You lended a listening ear to my worries and helped me feel better. Then you and the others graciously offered to let me stay at Sweet Apple Acres, where you then gave me a job."

"Honestly, you gave me the best treatment I could have possibly asked for."

"But you didn't stop there! You guided me through Ponyville, its inhabitants and its culture. You helped me settle into the city. You and the others then started letting me into your family activities; I felt like I was being treated like I was a part of the family!"

"There is just too much good about you, Applejack, for this to ruin our bond, or that of your other companions. An accident does not override the amazing things you do on purpose, no matter how bad the injury is or how much it disrupts one's life. Those things are less important to me than keeping a wonderful pony around. I would rather be like this, hospital-bound with an intensely painful bone break, than have you in jail or out of society. Really; I would rather have this."

"I'm super happy to be with you right now, and I look forward to doing more things with you, both with and without the broken leg."

"I love you, Applejack."

This immensely touches the hearts of both Applejack and you. Both of you have watering eyes, which then leads to a beautiful hug. It was unlike any other hug you had received.

"Thank ya, pardner. Ah feel so much better now. Still got a long way to go with forgivin' myself, but ah don't feel like leavin' Ponyville no more!"

"Step by step. That's the way to go."

She tightens the hug more. With all four of her legs wrapped around your upper body, tenderness washes over you. A hug from a strong pony like Applejack fell nowhere short of satisfyingly secure. You enjoy the heavy weight.

Meanwhile, Applejack is feeling the labels that you lovingly assigned to her. Providing you something you love, and remembering what she had done for you before the accident, she feels like a good pony again!

With both of you really feeling it, the hug goes on for a good long time.

---

It's getting dark out, so it's time for Applejack to return to Sweet Apple Acres. But she's not leaving without a heartwarmer.

"Ya said ya love me. Well, ah love ya too, pardner. Platonically, for clarification, but in that way, ah love ya. And that, plus mah other friends, there's no way ah'm leavin."

"There you go! This is a step forward!", you say as you pull her into another hug. The previous one, despite all its mighty power, was not quite enough.

The two of you share a finale hug before Applejack has to leave.

As she walks out the door, Applejack finishes off the day with gratefulness.

"Thank you so much for today, pardner. Ah couldn't have gotten to this 'ere point without ya."

"You're so welcome, Applejack. It was my mission today to get you to this point. And thank you for hearing me out. I know what I was saying sounded ridiculous, but you listened, and took it to heart."

"It doesn't sound so ridiculous now! You've really got a way with words, pardner!"

You have no response to this. But she doesn't mind.

"Well, see you later, AJ!"

"See ya later, new friend!"

---

Well, this day went great! You successfully convinced Applejack not to leave Ponyville, even with you never mentioning that directly! She hadn't fully forgiven herself yet, but the scary part was over with. And the next step will come and pass as well!

Applejack still needs help, though, so what is the next step?