Amidst the roiling terrors of the night - one horror stands alone. The mind of a pony can scarcely fathom the true vengeance that the Princess of the Night could have visited upon the world as Nightmare Moon. Twilight will now endure that experience.
I think this is the first comment I have ever made, even with this account being years old. Years of lurking destroyed because I decided to read what I consider to be one of the most sickening, disturbing, grotesque, horrendous, heart-breaking, abhorrent pieces I have ever read, and I have read thousands of works. I hold disdain for this piece of text. But that is the point of this fic, no? To be a gore-and-rape-filled clopfic at its core. So I applaude you, Clop! I really do. I will be honest, I knew to an extent what I was getting into when I read the first chapter and so on. I knew I would be deeply disturbed by what I have read up to now and I must say it is so... refreshing. Overwhelmingly so.
So to answer your questions, I primarily (as of now) think; No, Twilight is now only a shell of what was, and no I do not think some form of defiant spark will recover in the form of a foal down her lineage. Why? Because that would be so incredibly boring. So incredibly weak in terms of a story, so cliche and mediocre. I would honestly love to see what you plan for her, probably to help breed some sort of elite unicorn-thestral race. I do believe Twilight will, by whatever means you deem necessary, essentially become just a lover/broodmare, maybe more, for NMM.
I am interested to see where you take this, since you seem to be taking it somewhere. Or not, it is obviously in your hands. I will continue to read, and maybe comment some more on the future chapter(s). I thought I would hate this fic, and I did at first, so much so i believe it was the first fic i ever disliked, but it grew on me, and I actually look forward to whatever mucked up stuff you got coming.
10123248 I can't believe that you've managed to make such a journey with this fic! Wow.
I can tell you honestly that I had no intention of trying to 'win over' someone who would find the fic distasteful, so I'm quite shocked I managed to do just that.
Thanks!
Unfortunately, I'm probably not going much further with the fic, or not much further than you might have hoped for.
Still, I thank you and hope you've enjoyed the ride! Glad I managed to coax your first ever comment out of you.
Though from what you said I take it that you will be ending this soon, I do thank you for what you have written.
I have thoroughly enjoyed just about everything that I have read by you, and I look forward to more of your works. And I hope you will write more soon after you finish this fic.
Other than that, have a wonderful day, and thank you for your response.
Not bad for a porn chapter. A little surprised by the amount of implied incest, but it was one of the hidden tags. I guess for once I'll answer some of the questions.
Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell? No. Your description of her made that clear. All she is now is a broodmare. Waste of potential to me at least.
Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race? While I think that would be really interesting, especially if it was corrupted and still entirely devoted to NMM, I don't think so. That doesn't seem to be the angle you are taking this story. This story had the decisions be very definitive. Once it's done, it's done.
Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover? See above.
What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )? Probably births hundreds, if not thousands. Maybe she'll become immortal or an alicorn, but idk? NMM is probably just going to eliminate all of the other pony races. She clearly only favors her thestrals. NMM will probably still rule, and maybe will be incestuous with her own children. Her revenge might actually be satisfied. Her sister's entire world will be destroyed or corrupted, and she will have shaped the entire world to her image. Problem is though, she has no plans after that. She doesn't seem like the kind to like to rule, only conquest. All war, no statecraft.
Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell?
I'll stay true to what I've said before and say that of course there's more to her. Maybe not now, not in a months, but her actual mind will float up to the surface sooner or later, lest NMM will constantly reapply her full might to ensure Twi is useless aside of sex.
Sure, she broke for now, but it was just one day of non-stop horrors for a young filly, and then she was put against magically induced lust and NMM full attention. I mean, cool Nightmare, you, a literal god, broke a little filly. Woo. Much power, very epic.
Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race? Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover?
Again, heavily depends on NMM's attention and how much of a functioning pony she wants Twilight to be, because for now this is what decides if Twi gets any reprieve to start reconstructing her mind, or it'll be nonstop pressure. I'd say that while as a sex scene this is pretty good, this is at the heart just a sex, and in the heart of hormone storm, young, inexperienced virgin will 'break' quite easily, but the next few days can revert, with clearer head, time to come to terms with things and all that. Humans, and ponies, are extremely adaptable to conditions they cannot escape from. Aside from prevalent clop-logic sex can and will become repetitive, boring, mechanical and easy to ignore, if Twilight gets overexposed to it. Much more, if after NMM has her fun she gets thestral stallions... and let's be honest, going from literal God to some weaksause mortals is quite a bag of disappointment.
What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )?
Few possible routes I've described before are still applicable. And it's really up to author which one goes. I'd say it is easier to separate depending on NMM interest level (NIL) and Twilight sanity level (TSL).
High NIL: - Twilight gets to be NMM concubine, or sex toy, or student. Route that changes depending on TSL, and can later go to Twilight's revenge or acceptance of her role. - If we go without porn logic, and Twi gets no mind altering substances, after growing up and raising TSL she, as an unstable Element, goes off sometime and does fun boom evaporating maybe part of the castle, maybe town. Medium NIL: - Twilight gets toyed a bit by NMM but ultimately is cast aside - to be broodmother of thestrals, or just a passing toy. TSL has a fair chance to rise due to lost attention and more time to gather her bearings, but then again if she ever gets dosed by mind-breaking potion she's a goner. So, route where she's almost certainly a goner. - Can also get snatched by some kind of resistance, be it pony or just thestrals with dreams of grandeur and dislike of NMM do-or-die treatment. In that case chances of having Sith-light are quite high and depending on her access to education and artifacts, she either dies or kills NMM. Low NIL: - She is broken, therefore boring, and NMM throws her away. Maybe she gets gifted to some prominent thestral. Maybe put at the display near Celestia's head just for fun of it. Most likely this is where she just slowly withers away and TSL drops bit by bit, as even her 'brood stallion' is not interested anymore.
Anyway, it was a fun ride, and pretty fun take on NMM victory, my grumbling aside. That chapter is quite fun in pure clop way, solid, long, full of delightful little bits of feeling and strung together with onomatopoeic descriptors. Guess last part is some kind of epilogue with bits of story and clop?
10123278 Thank you! Your comments might be some of the best I've ever received as an author, knowing that I took somebody from dislike to bemused like.
10123397 This was a really cool comment, I like how you have a matrix of different possibilities in your head.
I think the saddest of your possibilities is Twilight just being tossed aside as a broken toy... Literally thrown in some alley or dungeon to rot because she's no longer capable of amusing NMM. That kind of bleakness would actually be a fitting end to a dark story.
A dark-Twilight seems the most fun. The cosmic cycle of retribution playing out as a calmer, older, stately NMM (perhaps even reverted to near Luna levels) finds herself suddenly crushed under a vengeful Twilight and her loyal spawn.
As for what comes next, the final epilogue is one you'll all have to just read.
Just promise not to go to the pitchfork emporium afterwards.
Also... Glad you enjoyed the clop, that's always a main goal. :D
I used to do a lot of writing, especially fantastical settings, adventures you know the like. I loved it, and I still do although I virtually never do it anymore. I love reading, writing and studying how others write, trying to figure out and understand their process. I think I will look into writing again and maybe even posting some stories here every now and then if I can find my old spark for it.
But that will be for another time, though I hope it to be soon. As for now, I bid you farewell and I am looking forward to your next pieces.
Aw you waited, so kind! Well my odds of actually winning this are infinitesimal but because you waited I'd be happy to provide more feedback. Also as a veteran 4channer I can assure you that Exuno is not female... Unless trans? In which case sorry in advance. Anyways one of their blog posts links to a twitch stream and the voice sounds like a dude to me. Can't say I know what women are into on account of being an incel, but many of them seemed to like 50 shades of gray, and that sounded pretty dark. Also I'm pretty sure almost no one likes being completely out of control; or rather, some are perfectly happy to give control away for a while as long as they are sure they can have it back within reason... if that makes sense? Even if they're kidding themselves as an addict does. And actually, more generally in life, people enjoy thinking they are in control even when they are not. This fic does a decent job of capturing that psychology: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/447993/through-it-all ... I might have helped proofread that one.
Anyways, a very good first attempt at writing something this dark! But there's room for improvement. You could work more on capturing the mindset of characters under such extreme duress: Twilight's response is a little monotonic and then it's already too late. It can be quite tricky to imagine if you have never been in such a situation. Perhaps talk to someone who's been through true horrors, as long as it doesn't stress them out or cause PTSD. Perhaps read up on some relevant psychology papers to better understand what happens to the mind under extreme conditions. Aside from that, excessive porn logic doesn't always mesh well with such dark narratives, unless you're going for something irreverent, self-aware or gonzo in style. A serious narrative requires one to step lightly- deliberately. It can lead to some great payoff, but if you want to retain and engage the most readers, it can be a bit like walking a tightrope. There will be some percentage of people who are just into this, and if you just want to cater to that niche, that's fine. But you could strive for more. Consider this constructive criticism: I certainly enjoyed the read, even if I feel dirty for having done so... Anyways on to the questions.
>Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell? Well I imagine a part of her personality will remain, if only because the alternative would make for a less interesting story. That and she did feel guilt for a moment afterwards, and she fell rather quickly to make up for a thousand years of suffering on the moon. A completely hedonistic life isn't perfect, but it's also not suffering. If her family is there in some abstract sense, but their love twisted to lust as Nightmare Moon implies, then perhaps Twilight still has a soul, but it too has been twisted to NMM's liking.
Also you've got a pretty esoteric concept of a soul, so it's a little tricky to divine(heh) what you specifically mean by a soul. If you mean the seat of consciousness, consciousness just arises from the entangled series of neural nets in our brains: simply from the fact that all of the outputs of your mind also double as inputs to your mind, which means you are aware of them. If you mean personality then my above answer suffices. If you mean something else, could you be more specific?
>Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race? If that far down the line, it would likely have to be caused by magic. Perhaps some resistance to nightmare moon's rule will make the mistake of thinking they can reverse the effects on Twilight, only for her guilt to crush her once they do. Or Nightmare Moon could get bored occasionally and reverse the change just to break Twilight all over again. Each time Twilight might think she'll surely be free, only to fail again. Assuming we're going for something dark and not just cloppy. ...Or maybe someone will manage to off Nightmare Moon down the line, but without fixing Twilight, leaving her without a family, or even any vestiges of them, but also without any means of sexual release.
>Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover? Considering how fast she fell and how addicted she seems, it would be unlikely she'd be able to get out of this situation on her own. Perhaps upon exposure to the other elements? But Nightmare Moon would know of them and seek them out too, most likely. And there's still wildcards like Chrysalis, Discord, Sombra, Tirek, etc. that wouldn't necessarily be on NMM's side. They might push Nightmare Moon to restore Twilight's mind so that she can wield the elements of harmony against them. But that would be risky for Nightmare Moon too and seems unlikely if we just have one chapter remaining. But whatever specifics happen, Twilight's mental state will be up to Nightmare moon for as long as Nightmare Moon rules.
>What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )? Seems from the end of the chapter that you may start the next one with a dream sequence, or a jump forward in time for an epilogue As mentioned above, it could be that Karma is still not balanced. Maybe NMM will just keep Twilight as she is but continue her torture by locking her in a chastity belt? Or any of the other possibilities mentioned above.
Welp Twilight's gone as we knew her at least. The whole 'Gonna give my family lots of hugs and kisses' was, yeah that was fucked up, nothing like being made to show affection to your DEAD/DEFORMED family. Be more fucked up if they recover Spike's remains (if there's any left) and hung his skull over their bed. ...And I thought this story was a bit fucked but look at me giving out ideas to make it worse/better! Also, rape scene. With Cadance, do it. Final nail in the coffin/overkill. Why? You gotta. Back to being somewhat serious, I think there honestly is a shred of her old self or she wouldn't have felt a pang of shame/guilt during the sex. To Quote Luke Skywalker "No ones ever really gone". I can see 'old' Twilight re-emerging if say NM is overtly harsh when they are raising their children, then again she could easily take the children away from Twilight so she wont be able to influence them (the smart move tbh). But NM kinda seems imo to want a morbid/loving relationship with her new pet/lover so that might not happen. As for whats next, I'm betting on a time skip next chapter. Show how the rest of equestria is adapting to the new rule, see how far gone Twilight is now maybe show her cheering as some bat ponies go to town on her would be friends from ponyville (mane 6 well actually 5 lol). Or just show her worshiping her cock/family and raising their children. I think it'd be really cool to make this tie in with that episode from the show where Twilight/Starlight are jumping through alternate time lines and they came across one were NM had won i.e this story! Would really make NM seem even more crazy that episode when she's cackling when Twilight appears in her throne room cause now she has a fresh Twilight to corrupt! ...At least till she escapes as she does in the show. Talk about blue balls... Guess I went from giving my opinion to brainstorming a bit, whoops!
I think the saddest of your possibilities is Twilight just being tossed aside as a broken toy... Literally thrown in some alley or dungeon to rot because she's no longer capable of amusing NMM. That kind of bleakness would actually be a fitting end to a dark story.
Haha, thanks.I delight (and hate) reading stories that actually tug on something visceral and realistic, instead of some kind of magical or 'cheap' kind of blood-rape-death horrors. One of the most delightfully cruel stories I've read is about faeries of old, those who have no concept of human morality. That kind of thing, taking someone, twisting their mind and body to completely depend on them and adore them, and then purposely throwing you aside after you've done anything to have any kind of attention of your mind-rapist, is so fae.
And for that kind of story last step would be something like taking and raising some oldest Twilight's rival to stroll somewhere where Twilight can see them both, and throw little, knowing smirk her way. Twilight will be awash with so many emotions: happiness that her Goddess noticed her, angst that she has been thoroughly replaced and shown so, and that toxic mix of envy for her rival for having Goddess attention and sadistic happiness for knowing that one day that rival will be used and thrown aside just. like. her.
10123645 This was a pretty cool idea... The show's alternate reality meshing with this fic! Wish I had thought of that, would have been a really fun twist to work in.
Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell?
I don't think she's really gone, to begin with. Twilight herself is still very much there. Her 'soul' is in bits and pieces, and those bits and pieces have been rearranged, tossed about, and given a few new pieces as well, but it's still hers and it's still there. Her mind was changed for sure. It was fun to read Twilight earning a gold medal in mental gymnastics as her train of thought artfully backflipped from one thought to the next. I don't think her outlook being changed, forcibly or otherwise, changes who she is at her core.
Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race?
Well, if her mind can be made to change one way, then who's to say it can't be changed in another? Now, obviously the conditioning that will obviously come with Twilight's new existence will have a lot of say in her reverting to how she was previously, so that needs to be considered as well. With that in mind, I don't think there's much of a chance of Twilight regaining any tendencies or innocence that she lost in this entire incident. Not even years in the future after having an army of kids.
Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover?
This seems a lot more likely in my eyes. The end of this chapter showed her already all-in on Stockholm Syndrome-style acceptance. I trust Nightmare Moon to make sure that it lasts. At this point, what else does Twilight have to go back to aside from hope for a quick death, anyways?
What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )?
I may be lookin' at things little too simple here, but I think what comes next is exactly what was promised. Twilight gives birth to a small army of Moony's bat-like offspring over the years. I don't really hold much hope for Twilight resisting Nightmare Moon anymore, and escape wasn't on the table at all.
By the title of the chapter, I was almost expecting Twilight to get cock vored...
Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell?
There's at least one more chapter left, so let's say she'll snap out of it. There isn't anywhere interesting to go with chapter five status quo. In the comments it's been established that the universe is comprised of a thaumic karma field. Nightmare moon is about take out a loan with all the evil lightning she's throwing around. Learn the lessons of your predecessors, maybe?
Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race?
(Let's ignore that Nightmare Moon only recently knocked the millennia of dust off her dry alicorn clam.) This unholy union will produce more thestrals... but remember the foreshadowing earlier? They're dirty cross-breed Thesponies! or something. OG Thestrals aren't going to bow down to what were implied to be slaves! These combos are children of both, so you have a faction that's potentially loyal to either one depending on how they're nurtured. Twilight could have an army just as easily as Nightmare Moon.
What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )?
Alright, let's shoot the moon. Twilight will develop a railgun and blow Nightmare Moon's head off.
Or not. Let's review any story threads we have lying around out there. We got the existing army of horny thestrals, who now have free reign to plunder and pillage the rest of Equestria. They aren't going to be pissing off the thaumic field necessarily, since they aren't spell casters. I'm guessing they'll be destroyed by: Thestrals v2, who will be confused lil' youngsters with some streaks of good in them. I mean they're 98-100% Sparkle fam, right? What could Nightmare moon have possibly contributed here, genetically? Sure, a thousand years ago, maybe ponies believed in homonculi (ponunculi?). But, she burned all the textbooks written since explaining how testicles work.
Then we got CelestiaDaybreaker Celestia, who died with little fan fare. We don't know what happened, and if we're gonna full circle this story, she'll be involved. Even though Celestia choked on a pretzel managed to kill a god, I presume this is a difficult endeavor. Maybe this is normally really hard to do but there's some trick to it. I'm guessing Twilight will have a revelation from Celestia where she learns about the poisoned dagger with an attached map that leads to a staff, which illuminates the tomb containing a scroll telling her the potion is hidden under the Canterlot castle floorboards.
10123781 Eh perhaps I was being a little hard on you for asking that; my point is there's not really a good way to ask something like that given the context, and that some people on the internet will tend to take things too far.
And happy to provide the feedback! I hope some of it both here and in earlier comments will be helpful even if you don't write something quite like this again; I linked to and mentioned other stories which are good examples to draw on, whether writing something dark or in general.
I never really go "Oh this or that thing is amazing" anymore but if I see a genuine interest in pushing one's boundaries and learning, as well as an impressive enough writing ability already, I am compelled to provide feedback. There's very few I do this for, so take it as praise I guess.
I doubt I can even provide additional feedback on the cloppy bits: You're already quite skilled there
Also you mention pitchforks... Are you about to flip the script and give this a happy - or at least neutral - ending? That'd be the thing to do if you're trying to keep things unpredictable.
Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell?
I want to think she's just twisted and she'll be back to more normal after a bit of time by herself. Still with an unwavering devotion to Nightmare Moon's giant incest cock, but with a lot more awareness of her trauma and more of her organization and character on display. Or, well... maybe it won't happen automatically, but I think Nightmare could train her a bit to draw it back out, now that she's past the initial carthasis of breaking her sister's little bitch. It just seems like she would want to get more long term value out of Twilight, to really stomp on Celestia's grave, rather than a dime-a-dozen fuckhole.
Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race? Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover?
That would be very interesting! I'm imagining her obediently being pet by the dark queen as she's confronted by a band of wannabe heroes (including some of her own progeny, of course), desparate and on the verge between hope and despair, and suddenly getting a flash of insight. Begging somehow for (new) justice to triumph and defeat her mistress, wondering if there's anything in her meagre capabilities she can do to shift the situation...
What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )?
As mentioned in answer one, I'd like to see her being groomed into a personal assistant/broodmare for Nightmare. Managing all that her shattered and reforged mind can, with no authority to make real decisions, just organize what the Nightmare's time should be best spent on. And fill her in on it while she's being brutally rutted. If it wasn't important enough to stay in her memory while that cock is crushing her womb, then it wasn't important enough for the Queen's attention, anyway~
I don't think she'd ever be a student or anything on par with that – Nightmare is too much of a traditional villain, who is assured of her immortality and invincibility, and knows that setting up an heir is just admitting you can ever be dethroned. No need to even consider that as a possibility!
Various cloppy chapter comments: I liked the attempts at Twilight's internal monologue trying to resist and being muddled and twisted – that's a very big turn on. There was a bit of room for improvement, if only because of how battered Twilight's resistance started, and sort of it all breaking at once, but it still worked well. I think I like when the whole string is coherent thought, and it just starts making some questionable concessions and assumptions, rather than just being 'no, but yes'.
The stretching and cum inflation were on-point, very important for the huge power differential stuff like this. That violent stressing about how all of a fucktoy's organs just get in the way of being an ideal cocksock, that singular lustfulness denying everything else in the world, that's how porn should be~ And you back that up with the directness and ferocity of the action. The excessive otomatopeia may not be a good move in traditional prose, but on the edge of climax that's not something that matters, and they definitely contribute, so I admire it.
I don't have any objections to anyone asking about gender or sexuality, and I think that's generally okay. Going to investigate and then publically posting speculation is at least mildly impolite, though.
But yeah, I'm just a pervert and a flirt, and while I'll typically self-insert as the adorable mare getting her mind rutted out, I wouldn't want to be thought of as proof to what turns on readers with actual wombs. Sorry! I don't think of gender as much of a thing, though, and especially for reading porn, what you're going to find out is just a long convoluted series of mental associations.
In the other comments there's plenty of good ideas – I don't think it's where your mind would go at all, but Twilight just getting tossed away now would be amazing. Not even out of a lack of Nightmare's interest, but as the next layer of torment – breaking Twilight to only desire her family-cock, to want to serve and please her Queen, and then giving her to some random bat she couldn't care about at all and never letting her serve her true purpose, phew. After the stretching and rutting she was given, even a hefty thestral dick wouldn't be enough to bring her teenage plot any pleasure. And Nightmare would just come visit her sometimes, taunting her, seeing if she's been a good enough girl to earn another litter of divine progeny...
10124437 Eh... Sorry about that, got a little carried away trying to make a point. If you think that's bad, you should see what the government does... *shudders*.
There's a teachable moment here though. To everyone in general, make sure to use a VPN, put tape over your webcam, and curate your online footprint with care.
Hmm just one thing about the inflation and such... In theory the uterus is NOT open only on the cervix... even with a ginormous penis plugging that it still has the two tubes that opens into the abdominal cavity... so any ejaculate would drain into the abdominal cavity causing MASSIVE peritonitis... just saying... ;p
I think this is the first comment I have ever made, even with this account being years old. Years of lurking destroyed because I decided to read what I consider to be one of the most sickening, disturbing, grotesque, horrendous, heart-breaking, abhorrent pieces I have ever read, and I have read thousands of works. I hold disdain for this piece of text. But that is the point of this fic, no? To be a gore-and-rape-filled clopfic at its core. So I applaude you, Clop! I really do. I will be honest, I knew to an extent what I was getting into when I read the first chapter and so on. I knew I would be deeply disturbed by what I have read up to now and I must say it is so... refreshing. Overwhelmingly so.
So to answer your questions, I primarily (as of now) think;
No, Twilight is now only a shell of what was, and no I do not think some form of defiant spark will recover in the form of a foal down her lineage. Why? Because that would be so incredibly boring. So incredibly weak in terms of a story, so cliche and mediocre. I would honestly love to see what you plan for her, probably to help breed some sort of elite unicorn-thestral race. I do believe Twilight will, by whatever means you deem necessary, essentially become just a lover/broodmare, maybe more, for NMM.
I am interested to see where you take this, since you seem to be taking it somewhere. Or not, it is obviously in your hands. I will continue to read, and maybe comment some more on the future chapter(s). I thought I would hate this fic, and I did at first, so much so i believe it was the first fic i ever disliked, but it grew on me, and I actually look forward to whatever mucked up stuff you got coming.
Bravo, Clop.
- NH
10123248
I can't believe that you've managed to make such a journey with this fic! Wow.
I can tell you honestly that I had no intention of trying to 'win over' someone who would find the fic distasteful, so I'm quite shocked I managed to do just that.
Thanks!
Unfortunately, I'm probably not going much further with the fic, or not much further than you might have hoped for.
Still, I thank you and hope you've enjoyed the ride! Glad I managed to coax your first ever comment out of you.
10123261
Indeed.
Though from what you said I take it that you will be ending this soon, I do thank you for what you have written.
I have thoroughly enjoyed just about everything that I have read by you, and I look forward to more of your works. And I hope you will write more soon after you finish this fic.
Other than that, have a wonderful day, and thank you for your response.
-NH
Not bad for a porn chapter. A little surprised by the amount of implied incest, but it was one of the hidden tags. I guess for once I'll answer some of the questions.
Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell?
No. Your description of her made that clear. All she is now is a broodmare. Waste of potential to me at least.
Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race?
While I think that would be really interesting, especially if it was corrupted and still entirely devoted to NMM, I don't think so. That doesn't seem to be the angle you are taking this story. This story had the decisions be very definitive. Once it's done, it's done.
Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover?
See above.
What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )?
Probably births hundreds, if not thousands. Maybe she'll become immortal or an alicorn, but idk? NMM is probably just going to eliminate all of the other pony races. She clearly only favors her thestrals. NMM will probably still rule, and maybe will be incestuous with her own children.
Her revenge might actually be satisfied. Her sister's entire world will be destroyed or corrupted, and she will have shaped the entire world to her image. Problem is though, she has no plans after that. She doesn't seem like the kind to like to rule, only conquest. All war, no statecraft.
I'll stay true to what I've said before and say that of course there's more to her. Maybe not now, not in a months, but her actual mind will float up to the surface sooner or later, lest NMM will constantly reapply her full might to ensure Twi is useless aside of sex.
Sure, she broke for now, but it was just one day of non-stop horrors for a young filly, and then she was put against magically induced lust and NMM full attention. I mean, cool Nightmare, you, a literal god, broke a little filly. Woo. Much power, very epic.
Again, heavily depends on NMM's attention and how much of a functioning pony she wants Twilight to be, because for now this is what decides if Twi gets any reprieve to start reconstructing her mind, or it'll be nonstop pressure. I'd say that while as a sex scene this is pretty good, this is at the heart just a sex, and in the heart of hormone storm, young, inexperienced virgin will 'break' quite easily, but the next few days can revert, with clearer head, time to come to terms with things and all that. Humans, and ponies, are extremely adaptable to conditions they cannot escape from. Aside from prevalent clop-logic sex can and will become repetitive, boring, mechanical and easy to ignore, if Twilight gets overexposed to it. Much more, if after NMM has her fun she gets thestral stallions... and let's be honest, going from literal God to some weaksause mortals is quite a bag of disappointment.
Few possible routes I've described before are still applicable. And it's really up to author which one goes. I'd say it is easier to separate depending on NMM interest level (NIL) and Twilight sanity level (TSL).
High NIL:
- Twilight gets to be NMM concubine, or sex toy, or student. Route that changes depending on TSL, and can later go to Twilight's revenge or acceptance of her role.
- If we go without porn logic, and Twi gets no mind altering substances, after growing up and raising TSL she, as an unstable Element, goes off sometime and does fun boom evaporating maybe part of the castle, maybe town.
Medium NIL:
- Twilight gets toyed a bit by NMM but ultimately is cast aside - to be broodmother of thestrals, or just a passing toy. TSL has a fair chance to rise due to lost attention and more time to gather her bearings, but then again if she ever gets dosed by mind-breaking potion she's a goner. So, route where she's almost certainly a goner.
- Can also get snatched by some kind of resistance, be it pony or just thestrals with dreams of grandeur and dislike of NMM do-or-die treatment. In that case chances of having Sith-light are quite high and depending on her access to education and artifacts, she either dies or kills NMM.
Low NIL:
- She is broken, therefore boring, and NMM throws her away. Maybe she gets gifted to some prominent thestral. Maybe put at the display near Celestia's head just for fun of it. Most likely this is where she just slowly withers away and TSL drops bit by bit, as even her 'brood stallion' is not interested anymore.
Anyway, it was a fun ride, and pretty fun take on NMM victory, my grumbling aside. That chapter is quite fun in pure clop way, solid, long, full of delightful little bits of feeling and strung together with onomatopoeic descriptors. Guess last part is some kind of epilogue with bits of story and clop?
10123278
Thank you! Your comments might be some of the best I've ever received as an author, knowing that I took somebody from dislike to bemused like.
You should comment more often!
10123382
Oof.
I'd never even considered the idea of an immortally enslaved Twilight broodmare.
That would be rough.
In more ways than one. Hope she has lots of lube.
10123397
This was a really cool comment, I like how you have a matrix of different possibilities in your head.
I think the saddest of your possibilities is Twilight just being tossed aside as a broken toy... Literally thrown in some alley or dungeon to rot because she's no longer capable of amusing NMM. That kind of bleakness would actually be a fitting end to a dark story.
A dark-Twilight seems the most fun. The cosmic cycle of retribution playing out as a calmer, older, stately NMM (perhaps even reverted to near Luna levels) finds herself suddenly crushed under a vengeful Twilight and her loyal spawn.
As for what comes next, the final epilogue is one you'll all have to just read.
Just promise not to go to the pitchfork emporium afterwards.
Also... Glad you enjoyed the clop, that's always a main goal. :D
10123444
Maybe.
I used to do a lot of writing, especially fantastical settings, adventures you know the like. I loved it, and I still do although I virtually never do it anymore. I love reading, writing and studying how others write, trying to figure out and understand their process. I think I will look into writing again and maybe even posting some stories here every now and then if I can find my old spark for it.
But that will be for another time, though I hope it to be soon. As for now, I bid you farewell and I am looking forward to your next pieces.
Have a good evening!
-NH
10123457
Standing at the front doors. I got a coupon on trident pitchforks!
Aw you waited, so kind! Well my odds of actually winning this are infinitesimal but because you waited I'd be happy to provide more feedback.
Also as a veteran 4channer I can assure you that Exuno is not female... Unless trans? In which case sorry in advance. Anyways one of their blog posts links to a twitch stream and the voice sounds like a dude to me. Can't say I know what women are into on account of being an incel, but many of them seemed to like 50 shades of gray, and that sounded pretty dark. Also I'm pretty sure almost no one likes being completely out of control; or rather, some are perfectly happy to give control away for a while as long as they are sure they can have it back within reason... if that makes sense? Even if they're kidding themselves as an addict does. And actually, more generally in life, people enjoy thinking they are in control even when they are not. This fic does a decent job of capturing that psychology: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/447993/through-it-all ... I might have helped proofread that one.
Anyways, a very good first attempt at writing something this dark! But there's room for improvement. You could work more on capturing the mindset of characters under such extreme duress: Twilight's response is a little monotonic and then it's already too late. It can be quite tricky to imagine if you have never been in such a situation. Perhaps talk to someone who's been through true horrors, as long as it doesn't stress them out or cause PTSD. Perhaps read up on some relevant psychology papers to better understand what happens to the mind under extreme conditions. Aside from that, excessive porn logic doesn't always mesh well with such dark narratives, unless you're going for something irreverent, self-aware or gonzo in style. A serious narrative requires one to step lightly- deliberately. It can lead to some great payoff, but if you want to retain and engage the most readers, it can be a bit like walking a tightrope. There will be some percentage of people who are just into this, and if you just want to cater to that niche, that's fine. But you could strive for more. Consider this constructive criticism: I certainly enjoyed the read, even if I feel dirty for having done so... Anyways on to the questions.
>Is Twilight gone forever? Is there any shred of her soul left inside of that shell?
Well I imagine a part of her personality will remain, if only because the alternative would make for a less interesting story. That and she did feel guilt for a moment afterwards, and she fell rather quickly to make up for a thousand years of suffering on the moon. A completely hedonistic life isn't perfect, but it's also not suffering. If her family is there in some abstract sense, but their love twisted to lust as Nightmare Moon implies, then perhaps Twilight still has a soul, but it too has been twisted to NMM's liking.
Also you've got a pretty esoteric concept of a soul, so it's a little tricky to divine(heh) what you specifically mean by a soul. If you mean the seat of consciousness, consciousness just arises from the entangled series of neural nets in our brains: simply from the fact that all of the outputs of your mind also double as inputs to your mind, which means you are aware of them. If you mean personality then my above answer suffices. If you mean something else, could you be more specific?
>Could it maybe emerge? Years later when she is a grandmother of NMM's thestral master-race?
If that far down the line, it would likely have to be caused by magic. Perhaps some resistance to nightmare moon's rule will make the mistake of thinking they can reverse the effects on Twilight, only for her guilt to crush her once they do. Or Nightmare Moon could get bored occasionally and reverse the change just to break Twilight all over again. Each time Twilight might think she'll surely be free, only to fail again. Assuming we're going for something dark and not just cloppy.
...Or maybe someone will manage to off Nightmare Moon down the line, but without fixing Twilight, leaving her without a family, or even any vestiges of them, but also without any means of sexual release.
>Or will she forever be enthralled to her new lover?
Considering how fast she fell and how addicted she seems, it would be unlikely she'd be able to get out of this situation on her own. Perhaps upon exposure to the other elements? But Nightmare Moon would know of them and seek them out too, most likely. And there's still wildcards like Chrysalis, Discord, Sombra, Tirek, etc. that wouldn't necessarily be on NMM's side. They might push Nightmare Moon to restore Twilight's mind so that she can wield the elements of harmony against them. But that would be risky for Nightmare Moon too and seems unlikely if we just have one chapter remaining. But whatever specifics happen, Twilight's mental state will be up to Nightmare moon for as long as Nightmare Moon rules.
>What comes next for Twilight (besides her, or NMM ;) )?
Seems from the end of the chapter that you may start the next one with a dream sequence, or a jump forward in time for an epilogue
As mentioned above, it could be that Karma is still not balanced. Maybe NMM will just keep Twilight as she is but continue her torture by locking her in a chastity belt? Or any of the other possibilities mentioned above.
10123468
Likin' the profile pic btw; it seems to suit you
Welp Twilight's gone as we knew her at least. The whole 'Gonna give my family lots of hugs and kisses' was, yeah that was fucked up, nothing like being made to show affection to your DEAD/DEFORMED family. Be more fucked up if they recover Spike's remains (if there's any left) and hung his skull over their bed. ...And I thought this story was a bit fucked but look at me giving out ideas to make it worse/better!
Also, rape scene. With Cadance, do it. Final nail in the coffin/overkill. Why? You gotta.
Back to being somewhat serious, I think there honestly is a shred of her old self or she wouldn't have felt a pang of shame/guilt during the sex. To Quote Luke Skywalker "No ones ever really gone".
I can see 'old' Twilight re-emerging if say NM is overtly harsh when they are raising their children, then again she could easily take the children away from Twilight so she wont be able to influence them (the smart move tbh). But NM kinda seems imo to want a morbid/loving relationship with her new pet/lover so that might not happen.
As for whats next, I'm betting on a time skip next chapter. Show how the rest of equestria is adapting to the new rule, see how far gone Twilight is now maybe show her cheering as some bat ponies go to town on her would be friends from ponyville (mane 6 well actually 5 lol). Or just show her worshiping her cock/family and raising their children.
I think it'd be really cool to make this tie in with that episode from the show where Twilight/Starlight are jumping through alternate time lines and they came across one were NM had won i.e this story! Would really make NM seem even more crazy that episode when she's cackling when Twilight appears in her throne room cause now she has a fresh Twilight to corrupt! ...At least till she escapes as she does in the show. Talk about blue balls...
Guess I went from giving my opinion to brainstorming a bit, whoops!
10123504
I'll buy twenty!
10123457
Haha, thanks.I delight (and hate) reading stories that actually tug on something visceral and realistic, instead of some kind of magical or 'cheap' kind of blood-rape-death horrors. One of the most delightfully cruel stories I've read is about faeries of old, those who have no concept of human morality. That kind of thing, taking someone, twisting their mind and body to completely depend on them and adore them, and then purposely throwing you aside after you've done anything to have any kind of attention of your mind-rapist, is so fae.
And for that kind of story last step would be something like taking and raising some oldest Twilight's rival to stroll somewhere where Twilight can see them both, and throw little, knowing smirk her way. Twilight will be awash with so many emotions: happiness that her Goddess noticed her, angst that she has been thoroughly replaced and shown so, and that toxic mix of envy for her rival for having Goddess attention and sadistic happiness for knowing that one day that rival will be used and thrown aside just. like. her.
10123560
Eh, the question to Exuno was just out of curiosity. I've had other girls read and express opinions on my stuff so it's no big deal.
I don't really care it he's a he or a they or a whatever... Just a question.
Over your responses, thought you had an interesting comment, definitely some feedback to consider if I write something like this again.
Thanks!
10123645
This was a pretty cool idea... The show's alternate reality meshing with this fic! Wish I had thought of that, would have been a really fun twist to work in.
(Also harsh-secretary Rarity is hot af)
I don't think she's really gone, to begin with. Twilight herself is still very much there. Her 'soul' is in bits and pieces, and those bits and pieces have been rearranged, tossed about, and given a few new pieces as well, but it's still hers and it's still there. Her mind was changed for sure. It was fun to read Twilight earning a gold medal in mental gymnastics as her train of thought artfully backflipped from one thought to the next. I don't think her outlook being changed, forcibly or otherwise, changes who she is at her core.
Well, if her mind can be made to change one way, then who's to say it can't be changed in another? Now, obviously the conditioning that will obviously come with Twilight's new existence will have a lot of say in her reverting to how she was previously, so that needs to be considered as well. With that in mind, I don't think there's much of a chance of Twilight regaining any tendencies or innocence that she lost in this entire incident. Not even years in the future after having an army of kids.
This seems a lot more likely in my eyes. The end of this chapter showed her already all-in on Stockholm Syndrome-style acceptance. I trust Nightmare Moon to make sure that it lasts. At this point, what else does Twilight have to go back to aside from hope for a quick death, anyways?
I may be lookin' at things little too simple here, but I think what comes next is exactly what was promised. Twilight gives birth to a small army of Moony's bat-like offspring over the years. I don't really hold much hope for Twilight resisting Nightmare Moon anymore, and escape wasn't on the table at all.
By the title of the chapter, I was almost expecting Twilight to get cock vored...
There's at least one more chapter left, so let's say she'll snap out of it. There isn't anywhere interesting to go with chapter five status quo. In the comments it's been established that the universe is comprised of a thaumic karma field. Nightmare moon is about take out a loan with all the evil lightning she's throwing around. Learn the lessons of your predecessors, maybe?
(Let's ignore that Nightmare Moon only recently knocked the millennia of dust off her dry alicorn clam.) This unholy union will produce more thestrals... but remember the foreshadowing earlier? They're dirty cross-breed Thesponies! or something. OG Thestrals aren't going to bow down to what were implied to be slaves! These combos are children of both, so you have a faction that's potentially loyal to either one depending on how they're nurtured. Twilight could have an army just as easily as Nightmare Moon.
Alright, let's shoot the moon. Twilight will develop a railgun and blow Nightmare Moon's head off.
Or not. Let's review any story threads we have lying around out there. We got the existing army of horny thestrals, who now have free reign to plunder and pillage the rest of Equestria. They aren't going to be pissing off the thaumic field necessarily, since they aren't spell casters. I'm guessing they'll be destroyed by: Thestrals v2, who will be confused lil' youngsters with some streaks of good in them. I mean they're 98-100% Sparkle fam, right? What could Nightmare moon have possibly contributed here, genetically? Sure, a thousand years ago, maybe ponies believed in homonculi (ponunculi?). But, she burned all the textbooks written since explaining how testicles work.
Then we got
CelestiaDaybreakerCelestia, who died with little fan fare. We don't know what happened, and if we're gonna full circle this story, she'll be involved. Even though Celestiachoked on a pretzelmanaged to kill a god, I presume this is a difficult endeavor. Maybe this is normally really hard to do but there's some trick to it. I'm guessing Twilight will have a revelation from Celestia where she learns about the poisoned dagger with an attached map that leads to a staff, which illuminates the tomb containing a scroll telling her the potion is hidden under the Canterlot castle floorboards.10123783
Agreed! harsh-secretary Rarity is bae!
10123781
Eh perhaps I was being a little hard on you for asking that; my point is there's not really a good way to ask something like that given the context, and that some people on the internet will tend to take things too far.
And happy to provide the feedback! I hope some of it both here and in earlier comments will be helpful even if you don't write something quite like this again; I linked to and mentioned other stories which are good examples to draw on, whether writing something dark or in general.
I never really go "Oh this or that thing is amazing" anymore but if I see a genuine interest in pushing one's boundaries and learning, as well as an impressive enough writing ability already, I am compelled to provide feedback. There's very few I do this for, so take it as praise I guess.
I doubt I can even provide additional feedback on the cloppy bits: You're already quite skilled there
Also you mention pitchforks... Are you about to flip the script and give this a happy - or at least neutral - ending? That'd be the thing to do if you're trying to keep things unpredictable.
I want to think she's just twisted and she'll be back to more normal after a bit of time by herself. Still with an unwavering devotion to Nightmare Moon
's giant incest cock, but with a lot more awareness of her trauma and more of her organization and character on display. Or, well... maybe it won't happen automatically, but I think Nightmare could train her a bit to draw it back out, now that she's past the initial carthasis of breaking her sister's little bitch. It just seems like she would want to get more long term value out of Twilight, to really stomp on Celestia's grave, rather than a dime-a-dozen fuckhole.That would be very interesting! I'm imagining her obediently being pet by the dark queen as she's confronted by a band of wannabe heroes (including some of her own progeny, of course), desparate and on the verge between hope and despair, and suddenly getting a flash of insight. Begging somehow for (new) justice to triumph and defeat her mistress, wondering if there's anything in her meagre capabilities she can do to shift the situation...
As mentioned in answer one, I'd like to see her being groomed into a personal assistant/broodmare for Nightmare. Managing all that her shattered and reforged mind can, with no authority to make real decisions, just organize what the Nightmare's time should be best spent on. And fill her in on it while she's being brutally rutted. If it wasn't important enough to stay in her memory while that cock is crushing her womb, then it wasn't important enough for the Queen's attention, anyway~
I don't think she'd ever be a student or anything on par with that – Nightmare is too much of a traditional villain, who is assured of her immortality and invincibility, and knows that setting up an heir is just admitting you can ever be dethroned. No need to even consider that as a possibility!
Various cloppy chapter comments: I liked the attempts at Twilight's internal monologue trying to resist and being muddled and twisted – that's a very big turn on. There was a bit of room for improvement, if only because of how battered Twilight's resistance started, and sort of it all breaking at once, but it still worked well. I think I like when the whole string is coherent thought, and it just starts making some questionable concessions and assumptions, rather than just being 'no, but yes'.
The stretching and cum inflation were on-point, very important for the huge power differential stuff like this. That violent stressing about how all of a fucktoy's organs just get in the way of being an ideal cocksock, that singular lustfulness denying everything else in the world, that's how porn should be~ And you back that up with the directness and ferocity of the action. The excessive otomatopeia may not be a good move in traditional prose, but on the edge of climax that's not something that matters, and they definitely contribute, so I admire it.
10120431
10123560
Well if this is going to be a whole thing...
I don't have any objections to anyone asking about gender or sexuality, and I think that's generally okay. Going to investigate and then publically posting speculation is at least mildly impolite, though.
But yeah, I'm just a pervert and a flirt, and while I'll typically self-insert as the adorable mare getting her mind rutted out, I wouldn't want to be thought of as proof to what turns on readers with actual wombs. Sorry! I don't think of gender as much of a thing, though, and especially for reading porn, what you're going to find out is just a long convoluted series of mental associations.
In the other comments there's plenty of good ideas – I don't think it's where your mind would go at all, but Twilight just getting tossed away now would be amazing. Not even out of a lack of Nightmare's interest, but as the next layer of torment – breaking Twilight to only desire her family-cock, to want to serve and please her Queen, and then giving her to some random bat she couldn't care about at all and never letting her serve her true purpose, phew. After the stretching and rutting she was given, even a hefty thestral dick wouldn't be enough to bring her teenage plot any pleasure. And Nightmare would just come visit her sometimes, taunting her, seeing if she's been a good enough girl to earn another litter of divine progeny...
10124437
Eh... Sorry about that, got a little carried away trying to make a point. If you think that's bad, you should see what the government does... *shudders*.
There's a teachable moment here though. To everyone in general, make sure to use a VPN, put tape over your webcam, and curate your online footprint with care.
hung
Hmm just one thing about the inflation and such...
In theory the uterus is NOT open only on the cervix... even with a ginormous penis plugging that it still has the two tubes that opens into the abdominal cavity... so any ejaculate would drain into the abdominal cavity causing MASSIVE peritonitis...
just saying... ;p