Maud Pie Reacts to the Teen Titans Go! Movie

by Misty Shadow

What Do You Fight For?! I Don't Know, Love and Friendship?!

Meanwhile, Smith and her friends were already concocting their own evil scheme in the middle of Ponyville town square. They had started a parade, riding on a float shaped like a gold cow, decorated with TVs and being carried by Maud Pie clones. Riding with Smith and her friends in the back were Panel Peddler and an actual cow named Bovine Waters, watching as Smith and her friends threw comics at the ponies in the crowd the float passed by. While the cow mooed in delight as this sight, Panel did not look pleased.

“Yup, I just love the sight of my merchandise having to be given away for free…” Panel remarked bemusedly, his lack of enthusiasm not just coming from being a clone of Maud.

“Me too!” Bovine Waters, oblivious to his sarcasm, exclaimed happily. “Smith truly is a wonderful, generous god sent here by God!”

“Ha ha ha ha…” Smith chuckled evilly to herself as she eyed a mysterious funnel on the gold cow’s head. “Stop the float...I think it’s time for the main event…”

After ordering the Maud Pie clones to stop walking, Smith was about to use her magic to turn on the TVs before…

*STOMP*

“Hold it right there!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, riding on an elephant that gave a loud, resounding trumpet noise. “Whatever you’re about to do, stop right now! The party’s over!”

“Absolutely wrong.” Smith replied. “It’s just about to begin!”

“What are you going to do?” Rainbow mocked, following behind Pinkie with the boss by her side. “Play BS news from CNN on those TVs?”

“Better…” Smith retorted. “I’m going to play news from the best source of all...MSNBSCNN!”

Smith zapped the TVs with her yellow magic, turning them on to show Jack as a news reporter on MSNBSCNN.

“Good evening, I’m your host, Jumbo Jack.” Jack introduced himself as the tagline “ALT-RIGHT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS FACE #METOO BACKLASH” appeared below him. “And tonight, we are here to slander former friendship official, Twilight Sparkle, who was recently caught promoting neo-Nazi ideologies with her friends through the destruction of liberal Panel Peddler’s property, two years ago by means of an elephant, the symbol of the Republican party. Bob, a witness to this act of blatant racism and bigotry, is here with us to share his thoughts.”

The scene then cut to Bob, who was pretending to be outraged.

“I just can not believe this, I just CAN NOT BELIEVE someone Smith trusted so dear to her heart would do something like this!” he yelled in a fit of badly acted rage. “I wish I had known about this when it happened two years ago, because I sure as hell would’ve confronted her when it was convenient for me back then too!”

“Yes,” interjected Jack, “they say an elephant never forgets, but in this case, we had to dig up what even the elephant had a hard time remembering so that justice could be served. What say you, Panel Peddler, as the victim in this situation?”

“It caused me pain.” Panel answered apathetically. “But I’ve been doing my best to recover-”

“Thanks Panel,” replied Jack, cutting him off as soon as he heard him saying something that would make him look like he wasn’t a victim, “we will now hear from someone who is actually stupid enough to dissent to our thoughts on this situation, here’s Papa John.”

“I honestly feel that you’re overreacting and jumping to conclusions by calling this racist,” said a pizza delivery pony with a black mane and orange coat, “not to mention an elephant doesn’t necessarily relate to the Republican party, whatever that is-”

“SIR, SIR!” Jack cried, cutting him off. “Whatever that is is not relevant to this discussion! We’re going to have to cut this short! Anyways, before we cut to commercial break, we have just received word that Papa John is actually a racist for his neutral defense of racism! A tragedy, I know. I can’t even enjoy pizza anymore, it’s ruined! This is why the only food you can trust is Jumbo Jack’s chicken wraps, only at Jack-in-the-Box!”

This news report was met with a reaction of dead silence from the crowd.

“How are we supposed to react to that?” one pony eventually asked.

“I don’t know,” answered another pony, “ponder how much of it is valid over fast food?”

“Evidently, normal manipulation isn’t enough…” Smith commented.

“We’re going to have to bust out the big guns…” Bob replied. “At this rate, how are we going to get them to listen to my movie reviews?”

“YADDA YADDA YADDA!” Bob was shown screaming while typing vitriol on a computer about a film he didn’t like. “This movie didn’t agree with my ideals and made fun of stuff I liked! One of the worst things I’ve ever seen, made by a psycho!”

“How are these plebeians going to function in a world without me to tear their garbage apart?” Bob bemoaned. “They need someone like me to expose the fact that their entertainment is as low-quality as their lives!”

“Moreso, they need someone like me to expose the fact that only our side of the story matters…” Smith remarked as her horn glowed again with a yellow aura. “They need some more of the highest quality of...yellow journalism!”

Smith then used her magic to make newspapers rain all over the crowd. Ponies gasped when they picked them up and read headlines such as, “Rainbow Dash Accused of Sexual Abuse”, “Rainbow Dash Accused of Sexual Misconduct with Gallus, a Minor”, and “Rainbow Dash Slanders Gays by Turning Red”.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” Rainbow screamed. “I never did any of that stuff, you’re just straight-up manipulating facts to get others to assume the worst!”

“While it’s good to get your side of the story,” replied a dopey-sounding pony, infuriating Smith with how anyone was listening to someone besides her, “when are we going to get our fast food?”

“You want fast food?!” Smith yelled angrily. “I’ll give you fast food!”

She turned to Bovine Waters and started using her magic to lift her towards the funnel, scaring Bovine as she heard the sound of blades running…

“Wha-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” she screamed. “I thought you were my friend! My savior!”

“Don’t worry, a friend I no longer need is still a friend indeed…” Smith pretended to console her. “So hush and do what a real friend would do...sacrifice their self for their friend...and their savior…”

“NO!” Bovine cried as Smith began putting her in the grinder. “LISTEN TO ME, EVERYONE! ANY RESTAURANT THAT SELLS MY MEAT, IF YOU SEE ANYONE IN THERE, PULL THEM OUT OF THERE AND TELL THEM THEY’RE NOT WELCOME!”

“Idiot.” Smith insulted her before the sound of Bovine being sliced up by the grinder was heard. “I’m not giving your meat to a restaurant...I’m giving it straight to the masses!”

The gold cow’s mouth then opened to reveal a tube that spurted out a slurry of burgers onto the crowd.

“EEEEEWWWWW!” the crowd went in disgust. “Is this shit even cooked?!”

“THAT DOES IT!” Smith hollered furiously. “I AM SICK OF TRYING TO APPEASE YOU UNGRATEFUL MANBABIES! JUST TEAR UP THOSE COMICS AND TURN INTO GRIFFONS FOR ALL I CARE! AT LEAST THEN I’LL BE ABLE TO PUT YOU BEHIND A WALL!”

“That does it for me too…” Panel growled as he told himself that in thought. “It’s high time I-”

“Not so fast!” Rainbow exclaimed. “We didn’t come this far to let the problem work itself out that easily! Now Pinkie!”

“Hee-yah!” Pinkie cried, giving the elephant a buck.

In response, the elephant trumpeted before spurting a wave of water all over the townsponies, effectively washing them off. Smith and her friends were astonished.

“Did our enemies just bring in our blue wave for us?” they thought.

“Listen up, everypony!” Twilight exclaimed. “I know all of you don’t really care about what’s going on here, and trust me, I COMPLETELY understand. But Smith is serious when she says that you have to be either with her or against her-”

“LIE!” Smith yelled. “I DID NOT SAY THAT, I ONLY MEANT THAT! YOU’RE TWISTING MY WORDS OUT OF CONTEXT!”

After a pause, a bemused Twilight continued by saying…

“I know that it’s hard, but you need to be willing to acknowledge how you truly feel about this and make a stand for what you believe in. If all you think about is what other people say and what other people think of you, then you’re not being honest with yourself.”

“It’s all fun and good to be a pussy sometimes.” the boss interjected. “But there’s also a time and place to be a dick. It’s fun to get fucked as a pussy on occasion and get an easy ride, but it takes a dick to fuck an asshole once you’re finally done with that asshole’s shit!”

The crowd then began to chatter amongst themselves in fascination before one of them asked…

“So...what is it exactly that you guys believe in? What do you fight for?”

“The one thing in this world that truly matters...” Rainbow replied endearingly as her friends gathered around her. “...money!”

After abruptly exclaiming that, Rainbow flew up high to a pirate ship in the sky, being captained by Celaeno and her pirate crew, which had grown rapidly since the griffon outbreak. And with more pirates came more booty...

“Time to make it rain, Rainbow!” Celaeno encouraged Dash.

“Aw yeah, this ship belongs to the Red Griffon!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed before she grabbed some of Celaeno’s ever-growing supply of treasure and started making rainbooms in the sky that spread gold coins and jewelry out to everyone in the crowd. The crowd cheered gleefully at being showered in treasure, admiring their newfound fortune in awe...and then turned to Smith and her friends with angry looks on their faces.

“You never gave us money, Smith…” they told her bitterly, feeling unloved.

“The “virtuous” ideologies you pushed on us never made our lives better…” another one said angrily. “You just wanted a way to control us…”

“HA!” Smith gloated, even with the tide changing against her. “ABSOLUTE LIE! I’ve made you plenty of money and care plenty about your finances! I even just gave you a bunch of comics for free! I’d love to see your in-depth examples of how I controlled you, you alt-right conspiracy theorists!”

“I’ve got one…” Panel Peddler said, finally standing up. “The sales of my comics have plummeted ever since I’ve allied myself with Smith...wanna know why we had to give those comics away for free?! Because they’re worthless! They’re laced with magic that turns anyone who rightfully rips them up into a griffon, which Smith already admitted to! The whole reason for this parade and giving those comics away is to weed out ponies who disagree with her views!”

“PANEL, YOU TRAITOR!” Smith screamed. “YOU INSANE FASCIST!”

“It’s just business…” Panel replied bluntly. “You just can’t keep taking from others and giving them nothing of substance in return. It’s fun to live in a fantasy for a while, but eventually, we must face the reality that we all have actual lives to live and money to make. Your propaganda is just a distraction. It’s because we are sane and live in the real world that we recognize your propaganda as a waste of time!”

“NO, IT’S YOU WHO’S INSANE!” Smith and her friends started yelling. “IT’S EVERYONE ELSE WHO’S INSANE! EVERYONE ELSE IS TO BLAME! DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING IS A WASTE OF TIME?! THE ONLY BELIEF THAT WORKS IN THIS WORLD IS NIHILISM! THE ONLY JOY IN LIFE IS MAKING THOSE YOU DON’T LIKE SUFFER, EPICALLY ROASTING THEM BEFORE YOU DRINK THEIR TEARS AND FEAST ON THEIR MISERY! THAT IS JUSTICE! THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE IN A PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY!”

“Isn’t that, like, the complete opposite of a progressive society?” Applejack interjected. “That “you don’t like ‘em, destroy ‘em” mentality was the “justice” of medieval barbarians!”

“And if everything is just a waste of time, where’s the motivation to progress?” Fluttershy chimed in.

“You losers could never understand…” Smith and her friends said ominously as they reached their forelegs down to their groins. “...because you still have something left to lose, unlike US!”

With that, Smith and her friends tore off their groin coverage to reveal that underneath it was...nothing. The crowd gasped.