Ian Zairon : The Equestrian Disruption

by Icy Creation

Chapter 1: The First Time that Happened

He felt it. Something wrong with the device. Something different about the breach it opened.

But he went through anyway.

That was his first mistake.

His second was assuming that the Perceiver would go to where Ian went. He didn't. They went to entirely different universes.

His third and final mistake was not predicting that this could happen in the first place.

Now, he was sitting in a field of bright green grass, with the sun high overhead, and no device to leave with.

To make matters worse, the nearest town seemed to be uninhabited aside from an unusually large population of ponies. This was not that bad, as he could form a link to share experiences, thoughts, emotions, ideas, ideals and anything else with any creature. And so he sat, Contemplating what he would do, when a cart flew overhead. Pulled by two horses with wings in armor, pegasi, he recognized from other universes. Ian was glad to see some sign of still active civilization in this universe, and he followed the path of the cart.

It tried to. It was then that he realized, he was no longer human. He had hooves and four legs. A muzzle, or snout, he wasn't entirely sure. His wings were still there, currently folded in against his sides, though still displaying prominently with their flame patterned feathers. He had been experimented on in one universe he went to, they found a way to make him grow functional wings. His wings were much larger than the ones he saw on the pegasi pulling the sky cart, however.

It took him less than a minute to adapt to the different way of walking, and soon he was as quiet on four hooves as he was on two feet. He didn't dare take off, in case someone bad spotted him. It took him about the same amount of time to get to the town that it took the sky cart. Once he reached the town, he asked Polarity to put up an invisibility field.

He went into the town, surprised at the amount of intelligence the ponies were exhibiting. As he made his way to where the sky cart would likely land, he decided to ask Polarity to start a translation link, a simple language merger link that changed the user's language to that of the dominant language in the surrounding area. As Polarity finished, Ian was surprised to hear the ponies around him talking. As he watched the sky cart land, he saw what looked to be a light purple, possibly lavender, colored unicorn, with a mane and tail that were shades of purple with a pink stripe, that seemed important step out, followed by a purple humanoid creature that looked to be reptilian in nature.

He decided that it would be worth introducing himself and his problems to this mare, but he would have to wait for her to be out in a bit more of a secluded spot. Right now she was being approached by a pink mare with a puffy pink mane and tail that resembled cotton candy. But as the unicorn stated her greetings in the form of the interuniversal standard, "Hello, " the pink mare jumped and dashed off faster than should have been possible.

He decided to follow her on her way out of town, headed towards what looked to be an Apple orchard. She looked busy, and so he thought better of disturbing her. He decided he would be creepy and stalk her for the time being.

The next pony that the unicorn, who the reptile kept calling Twilight, met with was an orange pony with three apples on her rear. Although Ian was not specifically looking there. He had a habit of looking over every detail of the thing he was looking at. Twilight, whose hoof was now thoroughly shaken, mentioned that they were there to make sure the food was going good for an event she called the Summer Sun Celebration. She then got roped into not only sampling an entire mountain of food, but then also staying for more food.

About an hour or so later, they finally got around to checking on the weather department, which was when Ian learned the weather in wherever-he-was was controlled. And where he first saw Rainbow Dash, the closest a sentient being can get to being cute like a puppy but as fast as a jet. By the end of that encounter, Twilights mane was poofy like the pink mare's mane. It was such a bad look on her that he had to ask Polaris to fix it. Otherwise, he would have given away his position through laughter.

The next pony to meet was indoors, and he waited outside for a few hours. When no one came, he got ready to leave to find someone not as busy, but just at that moment, Twilight and the reptile that Twilight kept calling Spike came out running.

The next one on the list Spike had was supposed to be someone named Fluttershy, at which point Ian started recognizing a pattern in terms of names. When they found her, she was helping a group of birds practice singing for the celebration. As soon as Ian got within link range of the Pegasus, he stopped. Not only entranced by her voice, which was unique to her, but also captivated by what was flowing through the link. The only being he had ever known which came close to the kindness and understanding and innocence that was flowing from Fluttershy was Aedra, his sister. And even then, Aedra was far less of all of the things Fluttershy was. Aedra was too emotional to be truly kind, too different to be truly understanding, too scarred to be innocent. Ian knew that this mare was a being which he wanted a more permanent link with. For both a slightly selfish reason and an entirely selfish reason. And a selfless reason. What was coming through the link felt as if he had just consumed the neural energy of an entire world of people, but without the guilt of killing. It also felt comforting. Another reason was that he knew that she would help him with his problems. And he could help her get a point across without her shyness messing it up. He made a mental note to ask her permission later, but he was currently focused on the one known as Twilight, feeling an energy radiating from her that he had never felt before.

At the same time, he felt something in his mind weaken. He briefly wondered what it was, and was about to ask Polaris about it, but then he felt like his mind was slowing down. A new sensation taking the place of the alderine energy that was there. He felt the thing that had weakened fading even more. His slowed and slowing mind finally clicked. He yelled in his mind. Something he never did, but something he did on instinct now. His yelling was met with near silence, as the thing faded even more. He felt the thing fading quicker, alongside his invisibility dissipating. He screamed, with enough force to send a shockwave towards the sky.

"POLARIS!"

And then he fell to the ground, his hooves collapsing out from underneath him. He felt his wings change color, as they tended to do when his emotions were strong. Even at the loss of the only friend who he had left who could possibly stay with him through his immortality, he refused to cry. His wings, however, gave his true emotions away. They had turned a dark, sapphire blue fading to a cyan the closer it got to the wing tips. This was a perfect indicator of his sadness.

However, this wasn't the worst of it. His scream had caught the attention of three ponies. The first one to react to it was Fluttershy, at first jumping and yelping in fright, before looking to Twilight. The second pony to react was Rainbow Dash, who immediately noticed the hole in the clouds that the scream had made, and rushed to find the source of the disturbance. The third pony to react was Twilight, deciding that her curiosity at what had screamed so loudly was more important than her current task.

As Rainbow arrived, she found him laying on the ground, staring at a particularly interesting piece of nothing."Hey!"

At that simple greeting, he immediately jumped up and spun to face his attacker... Or tried to. Instead, he jumped up, fell onto his side, rolled onto his back, and proceeded to flail his hooves wildly in the air. He was not used to this, and with his brain functioning many times slower than usual, he was not exactly the best mover around.

"Back off or become goop! Or pony flavored jelly!" He announced in as commanding of a voice as he could. Unfortunately for him, he was still laying on the ground, belly up, with his legs flailing in the air. That image kind of negated whatever seriousness his statement may have held. His wings then ignited into pure cyan flames. His mind having finally caught up to the situation, he flipped back over and got back on his hooves. It was at this point Rainbow stopped laughing upon noticing Ian's horn. She then quietly backed up and lifted off. Afterwards promptly flying straight into him and grabbing him, lifting him off the ground.

Ian immediately focused on the sensation of Rainbow's hooves around his body, waiting for the exact moment when she let go. Surprisingly, she did not let go. Instead punching his horn, causing him to pass out from the pain. His wings going back to the sad blue feathery Phoenix style ones they were before.

His last thought before passing out, Aedra...

Author's Note:

My first ever chapter on this site. I hope you like it.

This has become relatively short compared to what I plan on doing. I will try and go for around about five to ten thousand words. I will likely not usually reach those goals. I can't give you a schedule, because I really don't want to give you a time and then not make that time.

Goodbye for now. From Perceiver. Or Midnight, if you wish to call me by my Equestrian name. Or Blue. Only Icy is allowed to call me Mid. You could also call me Night.

Farewell. From Ian, Dimension Shift, Shift, or Dimension. I prefer Ian or Shift, however.

See ya. From Polaris.

I bid thee farewell. Kidding. Seriously though, goodbye. From Icy Creation. You could call me Creation or Icy. One of my friends calls me Ice. I only tolerate it because he is Polaris, and I cannot physically do anything about it.

(Those were just introductions for possible characters that possibly will be coming into the story.)

Comments

[TundraofTime]

Dont you dare quit a story with as much promise as this

[The Terror of Dimensions]

From the first chapter and synopsis alone, I can tell that this story needs a lot of work. There's plenty to critique here.

You're cramming too much into too little paragraphs, without going into any real detail on much of the situation. Try describing the scenery more, his bewilderment and difficulty adjusting to a new environment. Take time in developing what's being described, and don't glaze over things. If you rush a story, it becomes uninteresting.

Becoming an alicorn off the bat, personally I feel is overrated and way too common, but it's a minor concern. I'm not feeling much empathy for Ian, especially with the way he decides to be "creepy and stalk her". Like, WTF?! That just screams perverted creep or rapist. If you want people to relate with him, try letting them get to know a bit more about his personality through the tests he's put up against. And don't make him seem like a rapist by saying something like the above example. No one in their right mind likes those kind of people. It's okay to say that he's spying on them from a distance, because he's unsure if they're hostile or not, but it's never okay to say that he's "deciding" to be "creepy".

The synopsis is more of an expedition than what it is intended to be; a synopsis. This makes it boring for many who'd read it. A synopsis is supposed to act like a hook the readers are drawn to. Gives only so much information, baits it to catch their attention, and then leaves them with a lingering feeling to figure out what's going on.

Saying that someone's too emotional to really be kind and too different to understand makes very little sense; being different especially would make them understand the most on plenty of matters that count. Fluttershy gets plenty emotional, and she's vastly different from the majority of other ponies she lives around. Yet, she's still very kind and understanding to those around her.

And (minor detail) horns aren't sensitive enough to cause someone to pass out by getting hit or torn off (even in real life), though it does undoubtedly hurt a lot.

With all that being said, this story does have potential to it, and if you work hard enough and use some of the tips provided to improve your writing, I believe you could turn it into something great.

[Icy Creation]

9922806
For the Alicorn part, youll see why hes not actually an alicorn later.
For the creepy part, he is sort of like Discord, although less in the extreme. He does alot of the stuff he does to entertain himself.
As for the adjusting part, he doesnt have to. He's been doing stuff like this (Interuniversal travel) for millenia. He's used to it by now. The only real difference is this time he's alone so far.

As for your other critiques, I'll try and do those things differently, try and fix some of the mistakes in format and speed and stuff. Thank you for critiquing my story, by the way.

And as for the too emotional to be truly kind, she was kind because she was emotional, not because she was kind. She physically couldn't stand others being sad or dissapointed or distressed. It physically hurt her because she would feel those emotions and due to how her emotions worked, it would amplify them to the point of an emotional overload. She was kind, but not because she was kind. Because of how her emotions worked, she had to be kind. And being too kind would cause an emotional overload in the opposite direction.