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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'll be honest, I do not like the development of the protagonist so far, you're putting together the story of two completely different characters in another with a personality that does not correspond to either of the two and many people who like these characters (me included) do not he's going to like you to use his stories to create your character, I understand that this is your first story, but using the stories of other characters to make the protagonist will make people who know the characters you used do not like yours
I would recommend you redo the prologue and create a story for your character, for example, that Simba is an evolution created by Mercer that crosses with Celestia, rescues it and transports it to Equestria
...no offense, but do you meet the recommended minimum age for M-rated games? I seriously can’t tell if this is the work of a child or not. Just read the prologue (or is protologe intentional? Attempt at wit, perchance?) and I already get the feeling of an attempt at a narrative that doesn’t know what it wants to be.
You mention the name Simba, the idea of being a king, and the usurping uncle and I’m thinking ‘okay, how is this writer going to get blacklight into the MC of The Lion King without causing an outbreak among a pride of anthropomorphic lions’, and I’m interested. Then I see Hope, Idaho, and I’m lost. If this is supposed to start in ground zero of redlight, then what’s the king stuff about? How do you justify a character (who I’m guessing is human at the start since you mentioned the US and Idaho and never mentioned any non-human traits anywhere) being in the US and having the story of a fictional character as a part of his own backstory?
Even if this story will never be in Hope, Idaho again after this, these problems exist with the character, not the location. The location just makes it worse. There’re certain boundaries that need to be monitored carefully when writing in order to ensure that suspension of disbelief is properly maintained where needed. If you write without care for these boundaries, stuff gets too weird too easily in too many ways, and you wind up lacking a target audience.
-This concludes the section with which I in no way mean any offense. From here on I make no promises. RANT HO!-
Ultimately what finalized my questioning of your age was the author’s note. If complaints about problems with your writing are going to hurt your feelings and you can’t deal with that, perhaps your work needs to stay in the safe little bubble of your local computer until you work up the nerve to take criticism as it was meant to be taken instead of (apparently) as a personal offense.
Managed to begin reading this.
Hopefully I can catch up soon