Why so Serious?

by Gnarl

Behind the mask she wore

Looking at the outside of the 'establishment' Twilight was having second thoughts about the whole 'make new friends' thing. It wasn't to say the place was bad looking but, it had a certain acquired taste to it.

The front of the building was clean and well cared for, the walls painted deep earth brown with dark green and blue highlighted trim. The sign above the door was what grabbed her attention the most and if she was being honest, kind of scared her a little. Hanging from the metal bar was a square sign with a pair of wide, unblinking, piercing eyes. The left pupil was slit like a cat and the right a horizontal bar like a toad. The name of the pub 'The Other Side' was written in bright orange letters underneath them.

The front windows were frosted so she couldn't sneak a peek inside before going in. As her brain started spouting 'what ifs' at her she took a few long deep breaths doing her best to corral her errant thoughts.

"I really need to stop jumping to conclusions and judging things out of hoof. I'd thought I'd learned my lesson when I first met Zecora. And why am I so nervous about this? I've faced beings like Discord and I wasn't this nervous." Twilight mentally berated/psyched herself up, letting out an annoyed snort.

With a determined glare, she marched her way right up to the door and pushed it open... quite a bit harder then she meant to. The door swung open fast and hard before slamming into the wall with a loud bang, drawing every pair of eyes inside the building toward it and by extension the now extremely nervous and quite sheepish prodigy of Celestia standing in the doorway.

"Heh heh, sorry. Didn't expect it to be that easy." She said while rubbing the back of her head in embarrassment. There was a grunt of understanding from some of the pub goers and the gazes went back to whatever they were doing before the dramatic door opening.

Letting out a small sigh of relief Twilight slowly made her way over to the bar while taking in as much of the pub as possible. It wasn't the darkly lit, slightly dirty, gritty place where everypony had a knife and every other table was a fight waiting to break out like the novels she'd read. It was dim lighting, yes, but not overly so giving it that evening relaxation vibe that one gets when at home.

The tables and booths looked quite clean, the bar was orderly and well stocked with multiple brands and bottles of different drinks, there were even a few wall taps. Overall the place had a cool and calm feeling to it that help ease Twilight's nerves a bit.

Not really sure where to sit she noticed a lone mare sitting at the bar. Twilight made note of how all the others in the pub had at least another pony to talk to if not a few more. So, seeing somepony who might like some company she quickly made her way over and sat down on the bar stool next to the mare.

As she was sitting down, she picked up a few more details about the mare next to her. Her fur was a soft, cream color and her mane and tail were a very dark brown that one might have mistaken it for black. Twilight also noticed her cutie mark was a pony face with a massive smile that reminded her of Pinkie with one her near face-splitting smiles.

The mare turning towards her quickly pulled her from her observations as her purple eyes met soft gold.

"Any reason you sat next to me?" The mare asked, though her voice was slightly muffled due to a medical mask he was wearing over her mouth and nose.

Even though she had the best intentions Twilight still felt like a filly who got caught with her hoof in the cookie jar.

"W-well I saw that everypony else here had somepony else to talk to, if not a group." She explained gaining more and more confidence as she went on.

"Then I saw that you were sitting all alone here and thought you wouldn't mind some company and here we are." Twilight gave her best smile, hoping she would be able to make a new friend right away. The silence that passed between them was defining and ate away at Twilight's confidence steadily.

"Did I do it wrong? Was I too pushy? OH NO! She's going to hate me now! Twilight's thoughts raced a mile a second. She opened her mouth to apologize her coming on too strong but was cut off by the mare chuckling.

"Well, that was kind of you, thanks. I do hate to drink alone so I wouldn't mind the company." The mare's eyes closed and curved upwards in a kind of eye-smile, making Twilight feel a world's weight of worry lift from her shoulders. She sent a warm smile back at her new friend.

"I'm glad. I'm Twilight sparkle by the way." She said holding a hoof out towards the mare. The mare thumped her own against Twilights in greeting.

"Split Mane, nice to meet ya Twilight." They both relaxed against the bar and Split jerked her head in the direction of the wall of drinks.

"What ya planning on drinking?" She asked. Twilight scanned the rows and rows of bottles with an unsure look plastered on her face. She'd had drinks before, sure, but she'd never gone out drinking so she wasn't sure what was good or not. Not wanting to look silly she decided on what to do.

"hmmm, I think I'll keep it simple and have what you're drinking." She said as she waved a hoof in the air and flagged down the bartender. Split eyebrow cocked upward at that and amusement sparkled in her eyes.

"You sure about that? This is some good stuff here and I'm not sure a lightweight like you can handle it." She teased the purple unicorn. Twilight, not understanding what Split meant, channeled a bit of her inner Rainbow dash.

"I'll have you know I'm a respectable weight for my height and age. And I've drunk before so I'll be just fine." She said firmly right before the Bartender set her drink down in front of her. Split had to hold in her laughter as her new friend tossed back the drink in one swallow.

"Oh this is going to be a fun night with her around." She thought happily as she watched Twilight's cheeks turn a nice rosy red as the alcohol hit her hard. It would be a fun night, she was certain of it.

---

"... And then Fluttershy just trots along this massive dragon's snout like she owns it and starts scolding him like a naughty foal." Twilight was regaling her new friend Split about the dragon incident with her friends. Split had a decent pile of napkins near her from wiping away her tears of laughter.

"After she's done with her 'Mama bear' moment the dragons start bawling like a baby. I will admit I was a bit jealous of her at that moment. She was able to make the dragons leave while the rest of us weren't able to do anything about it." Twilight sighed with a smile as she took a swig from her drink.

Split's laughter died down to chuckles as she got it under control.

"Dang Twilight, These adventures you guys get tangled up are a riot. You should consider writing these down and publishing these as a series, you'd make millions. They'd be like the next Daring do series" Twilight giggled at that, drinking with friends was fun.

Split couldn't help but smile at this mare she'd befriended tonight. She'd been perfectly content to spend the night drinking alone and here comes this complete stranger that just plops down next to her and offers to keep her company. And what company she was. She was right that Twilight was a lightweight. They'd been here for a few hours and she was on her sixth drink and had a pleasant buzz but Twilight had only just started her third and looked like she'd have trouble walking in a straight line.

Her fun musings were cut short by a new voice joining their conversation.

"What's a beauty like your self doing in a dump like this?" A stallion said as he saddled up to Splits right side, leaning on the bar. She gave an internal scream of anger as this was the same stallion that'd hit on her in the last two bars she'd gone to. Not only was it creepy, but it was also getting really old, really fast. He just wouldn't take a hint.

"look..." Her eyes turned flinty and her glare could have melted stone, "I've told you this the last two times you asked me, I'm not interested. I've tried to be nice but you don't seem to get the hint so I'll just say it clearly so even you can understand. Buck off." The last part of the sentence sounded quite a bit like the growl of a large animal.

Twilight, while she was drunk, had to agree with her new friend. If she told him no more then once and he didn't listen, he had a problem.

"Hey, when a mare says no, it means no," Twilight said, barely holding back slurring her words. The stallion ignored Twilight completely.

"Oh come on sexy, give me a chance and you'll see I'm worth your time." The colt just didn't seem to get the hint. Now even Twilight was mad but more from being ignored, though his thick headedness was very annoying too.

"Hey, when a mare says no, she means no," Twilight growled out again, her horn igniting with magic and yanking the stallion to facing her. What she didn't expect was a wing to collide with the left side of Split's face, knocking her off the stool and onto the floor.

Twilight blinked and her mind tried to process what her eyes were seeing. She now saw that the stallion in question was a pegasus and it had been his wing that had hit Split in the head. So her alcohol muddled mind came to the most logical conclusion she could at that time. Her face twisted into an ugly scowl and lifting the now very scared stallion off the floor, shaking him violently in the air.

"THAT'S MY FRIEND PLOTHOLE!" Twilight screamed and without a second thought sent him careening through the solid brick wall of the pub. And the one after that. And the one after that. (Later she would find out he'd gone through no less than six walls and was embedded into the seventh. She never felt sorry for it though, just embarrassed.) Glaring at the new 'Twilight made' door in the pub for a few seconds she snorted and stumbled over to where Split sat wide eyes on the floor, her mask hanging on by just a single ear.

As Twilight leaned down to see if Split was okay she saw a rather large gash along her right cheek, almost to her ear. Twilight's brain, filled with alcohol and pumped with adrenaline saw it and went into full panic mode.

"SPILT! oh no, don't worry, I'll get you to the hospital and we'll get this fixed. I promise I'll make this better." Twilight picked The extremely confused mare up off the floor in her telekinesis and rushed out the door barely staying upright all the way. The cold night air snapped Split out of whatever funk she was in and she tried to get Twilight's attention.

"Twilight I..."

"Don't worry Split, I'll make sure the medical bills are paid for. Better yet, I'll make sure that Stallion pays for them."

"Twilight!"

"If I ever see that colt again I'm gonna shove my hoof so far up is plot he'll be eating from it!" Twilight growled and Split could have sworn she saw them ignite like a fire.

"TWILIGHT!" Split screamed making said mare stumble and trip as her attention was torn from her plans of pain. Luckily Twilight's magic didn't sputter out so Split didn't take a tumble with her.

"What Spilt?! We need to get you to the hospital." Twilight complained from the ground, which oddly enough she found was surprisingly comfortable. Split just sighed and wiggled in the air.

"You can put me down Twilight, I'm not injured." Split said making Twilight blink in confusion.

"But I saw the huge cut he gave you on your cheek! How is that not injured?" Twilight asked, genuinely confused though she didn't let Split down yet which Split was a bit annoyed by.

"I was born like this Twilight, now please let me down so we can go our separate ways." Twilight may have been drunk but could hear the anger in Split's voice mixed with a deep sadness.

"Why would we go separate ways? That stallion was a jerk, sure, but that shouldn't ruin the night." Twilight still hadn't let Split down and she was now becoming visibly angry.

"Just put me down so I can leave Twilight. Your fun to be around but no one sticks around for seconds with me, ever. So it's best to just get it over with quickly and be done with it." The bitter anger in her voice only made Twilight more worried for her than anything else.

"I'm your friend Split, why would I just up and leave you?" That seemed to be the trigger that made Split explode in anger.
She opened her mouth and the edges of her lips kept going farther and farther back. Opening her mouth wide enough that it could engulf the entire front half of a pony and was filled with quite a few pointy teeth she roared in anger at Twilight. A wide-eyed Twilight just stood there as her mane flapped like a flag from the force of Splits roar.

Splits roar tapered off and she growled at Twilight, tears threatening to sill out from the edges of her eyes.

"Would you really be friends with a monster like me, Twilight?" Splits voice was quiet but in the dead silence of the empty street, it may as well have been a shout. Twilight blinked a few times to wet her eyes... then coughed as she waved a hoof in front of her nose.

"You didn't brush your teeth today did you?" She asked. Split jaw hit the ground in shock, literally. Twilight just stuck her head into Split's mouth to see for herself if she had. Split was in such shock she couldn't react properly to somepony just shoving their head in her mouth.

"Nope." Twilight's voice echoed as she drew her head back, a small giggle escaping her. Split snapped out of her shock. Her mouth snapped shut and she just stared at Twilight in confusion. Trying her best to form questions that made some sort of sense for this situation.

"W-why?" Was the only word she was able to stutter out. Twilight just giggled at her and pulled her into a warm hug, her magic releasing her as she held her.

"You really think that being different would make me want to be your friend any less? That's just silly talk." Split was actually shocked. Everypony she'd met, every... sing...one had abandoned her after they had found out what she was. But here was this drunken mare, hugging her, giggling and calling her a friend. Even after she should have been running for the hills screaming her head off from Splits temper tantrum she just made a comment about her having bad breath.

The craziness of the situation just shattered the walls built up from being rejected over and over again in one fell swoop. After hesitating only once Split wrapped her hooves around Twilight and hugged her back.

"I do not." Split mumbled into Twilight neck after a few minutes of the hug making Twilight blink in confusion and pull away.

"Huh?" she asked. Split couldn't help a small smile forming, well small for Split was a big grin for normal ponies.

"We've been drinking for most of the night so I do not have bad breath." She glared at Twilight but with no heat behind it. Twilight just giggled. Split was still a bit in shock at being excepted just like that so she needed to make sure it was real.

"So, me being... well, like this..." She motioned to the large gashes on her cheeks, now known to be lips. "Really doesn't bother you?" She wasn't truly convinced that it wasn't the alcohol telling her that. Something in her voice must have tipped Twilight off because the stern look she sent Split made her gulp.

"Buck no. You nice and fun to talk to, I don't care if you had three head five legs and only one eye, I'd still be friends with you." Twilight said with a look of complete seriousness on her face that soothed Split's nerves. Twilight then gave a bright smile.

"Besides, I've got another friend that can smile that big. If I didn't already know she didn't have lips on her cheeks I'd have thought you two would have been related in some way with how she eats." She explained through snickers. Split cocked an eyebrow interest but lost that train of thought as she was once again lifted off the ground by Twilight's magic.

"Well since that stallion ruined that last pub for us lets go find another one! I want another one of those drink with the little umbrellas!" She yelled as she galloped/stumbled down the street with Split floating behind her. Split just laughed. Even though she knew this might end badly, she was going to see this through to the end. It was too interesting not to.