A demon is banished from the depths of Hell, and is deposited into the magical place known as Equestria. At first, he's not happy crashing through someone's roof. Then, he meets a certain pony... (REWRITING)
This was fine. Sometimes you just gotta follow an episode closely to set up your own story's world. I've seen a lot of stories that just follow the regular story of Friendship is Magic that just have an added character making color commentary without even trying to change the events that happen at all.
Really, you handled this chapter pretty tastefully, and set up events to take the story in your own direction, so I'm not expecting you to have too much more trouble with this particular problem.
Starlight: Let's put them in the shack for five weeks. If they aren't brainwashed yet, I'll go back in time four or five days until they are.
Alvar: You can go back in time?
Starlight: I am known to do that on occasion, yes.
I took lines from the show and put them into this chapter, but it kinda messed up my writing. Sorry about that...
9690045
This was fine. Sometimes you just gotta follow an episode closely to set up your own story's world. I've seen a lot of stories that just follow the regular story of Friendship is Magic that just have an added character making color commentary without even trying to change the events that happen at all.
Really, you handled this chapter pretty tastefully, and set up events to take the story in your own direction, so I'm not expecting you to have too much more trouble with this particular problem.
9690112
Thank you. I needed someone to say that. Now I don't need to have a panic attack!
Nothing like some good old-fashioned demonic reflexes.