True To Form

by Wild Wire

Chapter 1

"FUCK FUCK FUCK!" I swore repeatedly, running through the thick forest from the fucking MANTICORE that was chasing me. A FUCKING MANTICORE I SAY! I was so fucking terrified of this thing behind me, I barely even registered how fast I was running. All I knew was that it was fast enough. I frequently looked behind me to see if it was gaining, but it seemed to be at the same distance every time I checked. About a few more seconds later, I realized that it was just now starting to slow down.

"Hah HAH! No one's eating my ass today! FUCK you, for my name is Alexander Blumiere!" I shout, flipping him off with both hands as I run.

When I turned forward it was already too late. I had just ran off a cliff.

"DAMN IT!" I shout as I started to descend into what seemed to be a ravine. I've played Minecraft, I know what these look like. I still had a lot of forward velocity from running though, and at my speed, I was basically flying towards the other wall of the ravine. Slamming into the wall and leaving a large crack, I bounce back a slight bit and continue to fall to the bottom. My legs were the first to touch the ground, hitting hard at a bad angle. Next was my back, which completely knocked the wind out of me. Last was my head, which felt like it hit the hardest, disorienting me at an alarming degree.

After my vision un-blurred from the probable head trauma, I quickly used my hands to lift myself up a bit, into a sitting position on my knee pit. Why was I sitting on the back side of my knee joint? Because past that point, my legs were facing the WRONG FUCKING WAY, facing upward in the air.

"Oh shit." I started to hyperventilate, my quiet voice echoing slightly in the dark ravine. I was in an unknown forest, with dangerous mythological creatures, at the bottom of a ravine with two broken legs, at night. Even though I wasn't dead, I would never be found. Stranded, barely alive in a fucking cave. I couldn't even feel any pain.

Wait.

I couldn't feel any pain, just mild discomfort. I look at my legs and lean to the side a bit and I see no blood at all. Just the back of my knee, which, while very fucking disturbing to look at while it's bending this way, meant I seemed to me less injured than I thought I was. I've never dislocated anything before, nor have I seen anyone dislocate anything. Is this what it was like?

Of course not Alexander, don't be stupid, you just survived falling down a damn ravine!

How was I alive? I outran a literal beast, slammed my face into a wall at high speeds, and fell the rest of the way down, I should be more than dead. I should be mega dead! I continued to stare at my legs, thinking on what to do now. I know that in stories, whenever the main character dislocated their arm, they just pop it back into place, but it can't be that easy, right?

With nothing else to try, I put both my hands on the ends of my legs, and leaned forward quickly, pushing my legs down in the process. It felt very strange, but it didn't hurt at all. Isn't this supposed to hurt a lot? Maybe make me hiss in pain or something? My legs just fell down into a natural position, and that was it. Then I lifted myself up.

"What the hell?" I whispered, standing completely fine. I walk forward a few steps, no pain or anything. Even the discomfort went away. I was completely amazed, despite my ever growing confusion. Then I tripped on a rock, and landed on my face again. I pulled myself up, and felt my face with my hand, revealing nothing once again. I was grinning now.

"Oh ho ho, am I invincible now?" I asked myself, standing once again. I was reveling in my newfound power of indestructibility. But I had another problem now.

I was still in a giant fucking pit.

"Right, focus Blumiere! I need to get out of here before I starve." I looked up, and saw one edge of the ravine lit up by the moonlight. I could tell that it only recently became night, as the moonlight was very, VERY slowly increasing.

"Well, looks like I have the time." I say, walking around the perimeter of the ravine for a way out. After walking for ten minutes, I reached the edge of the ravine, and had to turn around at a lack of exits. I walked back, passed where I started, and five minutes later I reached the other edge. It really was just a gigantic pit.

I grumble to myself, realizing I had completely wasted my time. It a fit of frustration, I kicked the wall with the bottom of my shoe. Retracting my foot from the newly formed hole, I stare for just a moment, before I get the perfect idea. Moving to the side, I slam my foot into the wall again, but instead of retracting it, I try to lift my body as if my leg was a lever attached to the wall. I raise my other foot, and slam it forward as well, creating another hole to lift myself from.

I slowly repeated this process, the largest shit-eating grin, and lean back with my legs still in the wall.

I was walking up the wall, scaling it, with my body completely horizontal.

"Here I come, JoJo!" I say, trying to imitate Dio's voice. The impression came out perfect, surprising me enough to lose focus and fall to the bottom again. With a slight groan of of annoyance. I start trying to do random impressions, just to see if whatever effected me fucked with my vocal cords too.

"Nice of the princess to invite us for a picnic, ay Luigi?" I start, doing Mario's voice from Hotel Mario while I continue my wall climb. Switching to Luigi's voice I continue the next line. "I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!" I say, the voices perfectly matching up. I decide to try different voices.

"No one can just deflect the emerald splash!"

"Pikachu, use quick attack!"

"Buzz look an alien!"

"Wryyyyyyyyyyyyy! Shit, I can do Dio's wry too?" I asked myself, every voice coming out perfectly. I stopped my thought as I finally reached the top of the wall. Walking over the edge of the cliff, I land myself upright, back on solid ground, amazed by all my new abilities. I look towards the sky, wondering where these powers came from, when I see something that I thought I would never see in real life.

The mare in the moon.

I was in Equestria.

"...Honestly the manticore should have given that away."

Comments

[Shattered_Moon]

I have the strange gut feeling that you're going to cancel this after five to six chapters but I'll track it anyways.

[quakeSanchez]

So, he has the power of cartoon physics?

[Spark Plug]

Nice chapter 1 punchline. Tracking.

[Wild Wire]

9735105
It's not cartoon physics, but I'm not telling what it is yet.