Falling Down

by RoccoRoccs

Chapter 9: Time Hides All Wounds

Time, that universal constant that we all live by. For some of us it moves too slow to even comprehend, for other there is never enough of it. A priceless, invaluable asset we are all given freely at birth that is paid out with every breath and heart beat. Try as we might, we all try to cheat for more of it, bargaining with our creators with outlandish promises of gold and loyalty for just a few more moments. In vain we scream to the heavens that what we have left is never enough and that we just need a little more. No drug could ever come close to its intoxication or addiction because as little as ponies know it, the mere act of breathing is euphoria.

But for some, enough is too much. When you have been beaten and broken to the point of no return, when you have seen the gates of hell from your front porch and when the mere act of breathing becomes agony, time is endless. I know, I was there once myself. I bargained for less and traded my only soul off for a quick ticket back in the middle of the night more times than I can remember. I screamed to the heavens for them to take me back, just let me live in that moment for a little longer, give my life to somepony who wants it. Was it so much to ask? Would it not balance out?

Far greater ponies than I have trotted across this land who were cut short on time, seemingly by random circumstance. But no one sacrifice could pay the toll of time, no gift, no pledge or stack of bits. Our days are truly numbered from the start and out destinies finite in their plan, few if anypony can change them even slightly without consequence. There is not much that any of us can do about it short of force of will and making the most of it.

I was once told that suicide doesn't remove the chance of things getting worse, it erases the any chances of it ever getting better. Maybe I'm still here because I have a purpose, maybe I just knew deep down that I didn't want to truly die or maybe the universe is cruel in it's fairness. Everypony gets the same shot, everypony has the chance to make the most of their lives if they try and nopony is too low to be picked up with enough effort.

I woke up today in a bed in a new home. It feels like years ago, but it was at the most a few months since I had stood on those tracks. I had found that spark inside me that I missed all these years, better yet, other ponies had found it too. I had not recovered on my own and in many ways I never will. The damage that I had done to myself is ever lasting, but it's meaning has changed. The scars I saw as failed attempts were a road map of where I came from and how hard the road I trotted was. The darkness of my past wasn't a constant reminder of my loss, it was the void I climbed out of that showed me just how much I could take.

But now, laying here next to rose in the outskirts of Ponyville, I didn't feel sad about any of it. I couldn't laugh it off either. It was something else entirely, something that felt like it was always nipping at my hooves, digging for a chance to dig its claws in. It should scare the hell out of me that with a slip I could end up right back in that dark place. But it doesn't, if anything I look back on all that jagged road I crossed and see how strong I was to take it on the chin. I'm proud of what I made it through, something I never thought I would be.

I looked over my shoulder to see Rose's sleeping form. If I had anything to claim as a prize for what all I had endured, Rose's love for me was too much of a gift. I doubt I will ever feel I deserve it, but it's mine and I will protect it with my life. Speaking of, her love tends to wain without coffee and some jam toast when she wakes up. She's worth it, but Luna save me if we are out of caffeine in this house... Celestia send it to the sun.

I chanced a peak out the door to check for the paper. Oh thank goodness, it looked like rain, that meant a lazy Saturday in bed with my mare. Rain meant I could turn her alarm off and let her sleep in while I made breakfast. Maybe I could clean a bit too, do some chores maybe? Oh the never ending pursuit to trick her into staying in bed so we could snuggle the day away.

Sure enough, just like clockwork, the little buck that delivers my paper every morning had again dropped it off on time... in the mud... under the shrubs. He keeps this up and he will have a job in the government in no time, I swear. I shook what I could of the muck and mire from the pages and trotted back inside. Well, I guess it was still legible, if nothing else I could use it for mulch in the flower beds. I saw that Golden Blood had found his way onto the front page yet again, I guess not everypony can stay hid forever, not even him.

I ventured a guess that he had been brought up on charges yet again for something his creepy ass did and tossed it aside in my never ending quest for coffee. I poured the water in the brewer and looked out the window. The Castle just wasn't the same with that giant bubble around it, it ruined the aesthetic of a once beautiful city that I had always loved. I knew that it was necessary given everything that was going on, but I wish it wasn't.

Everything has gone so well for me and Rose since I left the OIA, but I have had yet another demon on my back that has been growing heavier by the day. We had undermined Fluttershy's reckless attempt to stop the war in a way that would have ended in flames, hadn't we? I had found my own information through a few sources that the OIA had intercepted a one way communication stating that 'the plans were ready'. Even sitting here with not direct link to anything creditable, the words felt ominous to say the least.

As the days drug on, I felt that weight on my shoulders growing as I got lost in my own happy little life. There had to be something that I missed otherwise I wouldn't be picking myself apart like this in my free time. Rose says it's just another scar that will have to heal in its own time. A deep fear that now that everything is going so well that I was just worried it would all fall down again. Maybe it was my learned behavioral pessimism, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe Fluttershy had found a way to get the message through. Maybe she had already done it by the time we found her out and carried through to martyr herself.

I mean if the war ended, why would you bring up the one mare who ended it on charges? The public out cry for the sweet, shy mare would be unheard of, she wouldn't spend a moment in the papers under slander. But if it failed, then we would all be dead anyway. Seemed like a nihilist win win if I had ever heard one. I guess that when your whole concept is kindness, war can go a long way to eroding and blurring the lines of your own morals.

Even If I was just reasoning with insanity at this point, I could not ignore the logic. I had even contacted the OIA with my very own profile that I had worked up on her, marking her as a textbook example of moral breakdown. I'm sure that my letter found it's way to the OIA screening room and right into the trash. Had it not, we all would have seen the difference it would have made. Had kindness found its way to harm and betrayal or was I just pissing in the wind at ghost from my past?

With a fresh plate and two cups of coffee, I carefully trotted up the stairs and to the master bedroom.

"Rose? Honey? I made coffee." I said softly, trying to rouse her from her sleep.

"Hm? What time is it?"

"About eleven A.M."

"Eleven!? I'm late!" She said with a start. A Very, very sleepy start at that.

"Babe... It's ok. It's going to pour soon. It's been looking terrible all morning."

"Terrible you say. What a tragedy that the Pegasi picked today of all days to schedule rain." She said with a smile.

"Isn't it though? But seriously, the rain is a tactical move, I promise that my fellow Pegasi are not conspiring to help me keep you in this bed." I said as I crawled back under the sheets and wiggled myself behind her.

"That's a good thing, I would hate to think that all of Cloudsdale would know about our love life."

"Not saying I wouldn't do that." That remark earned me a elbow to the ribs. "Hey! Can you blame me?"

"Stop! You are going to make me blush!"

"Oh? Are Rose's cheeks turning all... Rosie?" I said in my best dad voice.

"Not a... Chance."

"Crap, I forgot that my name has far more puns tied to it."

"Yeah well, at least you are cute..." She said as she snuggled into me.

"I wish we could just lay here forever and listen to the rain."

"Me too honey. But don't you have to meet Cherry today? I thought you two were going shopping for the rehearsal dinner?"

"Yeah... But trust me, I much rather stay right here in bed than take a long trot to Fetlock in the rain."

"You know..." Rose started.

"You know better than suggest the train there."

"I'm just saying that the train is much warmer than trotting for an hour."

"I know, but when have I ever complained about a long walk in the rain... Except when it takes me away from you?"

"Speaking of Cherry, when am I going to get to meet her? We have been together for nearly a year now and I have yet to even see the girl?"

"That's all her. She very... private as best as I can describe her. Sweet mare, but she had this strange hang up about being seen together with me, especially in front of you. To tell you the truth, I honestly couldn't tell you why she agree'd to come out in public with me today. Usually she just wants to hang out in private."

"Chance? Should I be... Worried about her?" Rose said over her shoulder. It was rare that she showed any signs of jealousy, even more rare that she showed signs of insecurity, but i could tell this whole 'secret friend' thing was starting to ware on her.

"Of course not. First of all, she is way too young for me. Second she is way too energetic. Third..." I said as I grabbed a hoof full of her flank. "Her booty could never come close to your's, babe." The squeeze earned me a hoof to the ribs, a light hoof but still, a hoof none the less.

"Stop! You have to be going soon. Do you really want to leave the house all 'hot and bothered'?"

"I suppose you are right." I said as I sat up.

"Just... Don't be gone too long, the bed gets cold without you." Rose said, giving me a peck on the cheek as I started for the door.

"I won't dear. I promise."

Rose was one of those almost supernatural forces in my life, like a goddess in her own way. She was the anchor that was keeping my sanity ashore in a hurricane. I know for somepony looking from the outside in, all the lovey-dovey stuff has to be near sickening, but for us it was something more. It was, in words, ironically romantic. It was a sign that the two of us were comfortable around one another enough to let go of fear of ridicule for saying something silly or foalish.

In its own way, it was just another showing of love we have for one another, just one more step closer to each other we had taken. I think every relationship has the cutesy phase followed by a longer, more interesting ironic cutesy phase. Lolly and I used the same pet names for years come to think of it and my dad had called my mother 'sugar bottom' until the day he died. I guess it was a constant in relationships, but a well marked one nonetheless.

I trotted down the old town road towards Fetlock, splashing in the puddles made by the ensuing down pour. The last time I had seen rain like this was when they held Big Mac's funeral. The sky's were meant weep as we all did on that day, by the looks of it, a similar tragedy had befallen our country once more. I just wish I had read the paper before I had left to know what it was I was meant to morn today.

With nothing but rain behind me, I found myself at the familiar cross roads I had seen so many times before. Even with my new state of vigor and my new outlook on life, I could still smell the burning fuel and hear the screams. I guess what they say is true, pain fades but scars linger on. As much as I wanted to see myself passed this even, I was doomed to feel it for years to come. Staring out at the foggy grey tracks, the feeling was faint but still all too real even now.

"HEY! DON'T DO IT!" Cherry shouted from behind me.

"What!? I wasn't... I mean I couldn't!" I stammered.

"Whoa now, take a chill pill, Chance. I was just messing with you." She said, trotting to my side.

"Do you think... it will ever go away?" I asked.

"No... I don't think love like that fades."

"No-no. The... feeling, I get when I pass by here?"

"Chance, you big dumb pony. You loved you family, it stands to reason that losing them took a toll, but to think that the pain will go away is... is just foolish."

"Wow, way to put it softly." I said sarcastically. Given where I was standing, I would have thought I would have been afforded a little tender love. But not from Cherry.

"Chance. When you close your eyes, can you see them?"

"Every night." I said with a sigh. "But I also see Rose and you too! I see our futures as bright as day, just like I saw with Lolly and the kids."

"Exactly! You loved Lolly and the kids. You still do! You always will. That love is stronger than anything else in this world, so seeing what took it all away will always hurt you, but you have to push passed it. If you don't then you will fall back into that same dark place you always talked about. You wouldn't want them to see you like that, would you?"

"No... Never." As strange as her words were to me, they made sense, perfect sense in fact. Forgetting the love I have for my family would be just so wrong. Forgetting what took them from me also felt wrong, as if it was a constant reminder of how precious life is and how it all can end in a moment. I will miss them like crazy for the rest of my days, but to live my life in a hole of self pity and regret would just tarnish their memory. I had done that for long enough.

"So... How is Rose? She still keeping you up at night?" Cherry said with a nudge.

"And the wee hours of the morning. Things are great. So, are we going to stand here in the rain or..."

"Yeah, here's the thing. My little sister came down with the flu the other day and I can't really trot about town."

"Why is it always something? Why is it you won't meet Rose or just eat a simple meal in public with me. It's not like we are having an affair, if anything all this sneaking around makes it look like you and I are having one!"

"Chance... I can't explain it now. But you have to understand that I don't want it to be this way! I want nothing more than to eat a nice dinner in a restaurant or just... trot through town. But I can't!"

"WHY!? Cherry, I don't mean to get cross with you, but this is ridiculous! You know everything about me! My darkest fears, the number of times I have tried to... you know, you even know exactly what happened the day of the crash! Not eve Rose knows the things you do. But I have no clue who you even are outside of a friend!"

"You know who I am! Just because I haven't taken your hoof and showed you every little detail of my life doesn't mean you don't know me! Chance, I'm dealing with my own problems, much smaller than your's. I put other ponies first and deal with myself second, I was raised that way. Right now I'm helping you get passed this and move on with your life. I can't say why or how, but just know that I made a promise to somepony that I would help and that is what I'm doing. Please don't take that away from me."

"Take what away!? I'm great now because of you! I'm engaged, I'm actually happy for the first time in a long time and I actually see a future ahead of me that does not involve whiskey and train tracks."

"Please Chance? Please?" Cherry looked up to me with those big stupid eyes of her's and gave me an actual pout. Call me old fashioned, but I'm a sucker for it.

"Ok, Cherry... But you have to promise me that you will let me help you, some day."

"Ok. But Chance, you might not like the price of that. You may have to pay it sooner than you think."

"For what all you did for me, there isn't one I'm not willing to pay." I said, giving her a hug.

"Chance, I'm scared."

"About what?" I said, perplexed.

"Something big is coming. I know it. I mean I don't feel it, I know it is." She said as the two of us trotted to the barn near by.

"Like what, exactly?"

"I'm not sure but nothing has felt the same since you got let go from the OIA. It's like the skies stay cloudy now and even the thunder has a tone about it. It's like something up above is trying to warn me that something is coming."

"Cherry, that's weird even for you."

"No-no! I mean, it's a feeling, but I can't shake it. Every time I think that the skies are going to open up, they just get darker. I really wish you and Rose would reconsider my offer to move closer to Fetlock."

"Nothing doing, we just moved! Moving again would be a nightmare for us, plus we have the wedding to plan still, Rose even has me out shopping for the rehearsal dinner months in advance!" I said jokingly, hoping to get a smile out of Cherry. But there was no clearing the grey skies that were her face. It was like every time we saw each other, she grew more and more drained of life.

"Chance, promise me something, ok?"

"Anything."

"Promise me that you won't go back to the tracks?"

"Cherry, your house is by the tracks. How am I going to..." I wanted to believe it as a joke, maybe some crazy stunt she was pulling, but her eyes said it all. She was crying, even more so she had been crying for quite some time now, I just hadn't noticed. "What's wrong?"

"Please, just don't come back here. Not until it's safe for all of us. I don't want something to happen to you or to Rose. Please, just... wait this whole thing out... for me."

"I wish I knew what had you so shook up..."

"Just promise me. You said you would." She said, throwing her hooves around me.

"Ok... If it means that much to you. I will stay away. But I expect you to keep that lunch date you set."

"I promise. You will see me again."

"You better, Rose is heading out of town tonight to that place you told me about to reserve a spot to have our cake made. I'm going to be bored as all get out without her to play with." I said with a sly grin.

"Gross!" Cherry spat out between whimpers. I had to admit, she was cute as she could be when she was crying. Reminded me of my own kids when they would get scared. A little weird but still very cute.

The two of us held one another for longer than I thought was acceptable for two friends before finally parting ways. Off in the distance I could see the faint silhouette of a young pony in the window of the old farm house at the end of the road. Cherry made tracks in the rain towards it as if it were on fire. No doubt it was her little sister waiting up for her to come in from the rain. Before she made it to the porch, the fog rolled in, leaving nothing but a amber glow of the lantern by the door.

Cherry, the mare who had saved me from myself had turned out to be more than one layer deep. If anything thing she was just like a cherry, sweet as can be, until you find the pit in the middle. She had gave up so much to help me, skipped work, stayed over at my house, she even helped me with... that problem before I went to see Rose.

Part of me wondered if not pursuing her romantically had been a mistake, but a bigger part of me knew that there was something that that would doom it from the start. I had no clue as to what that something was, but I just knew it deep down. Maybe it was her rubbing off on me, maybe she had given part of herself to save me that night and the part I got gave me her senses for these things. But regardless, her and I had a special bond together, almost like brother and sister but... deeper.

It felt like we were cut from the same cloth. I knew I had to get her to open up somehow, I had to help her through whatever it was she was dealing with in the same way she had helped me. It felt wrong to feel as good as I did now without her feeling the same way. But even I had to agree with her that something just felt wrong with the world.

Nevermind the war, the politics or even the constant shortages. Something was just off. Like the grass and the flowers had lost their color. It has to be the lack of sun... but what if it wasn't what if it was something more insidious waiting around the bend for us all? Whatever it was, it was making me feel anxious to get back home to Rose. I need to see her before she left for Hope over night.

Author's Note:

One minute till midnight...

Comments

[Idoubledareyou]

For a second I considered the possibility of Cherry being some sort of ghost, helping ponies in need or something like that but nah it can't be.... right?

It definitively feels like something is about to happen, something BIG, rainy days can be scary sometimes (though I normally like them).
Anyway, great chapter as always.

P.S: If Chance can't flight cause he has a bad wing , can't he get a prosthesis? I remember Rainbow Dash having one in one of those alternative timelines Twilight visited.

[RoccoRoccs]

9542395
Cherry is just... weird. I actually modeled her after a friend I had in high school back in the day. She would only hang out with me if we were alone, at first I just thought I was a potato but it turned out she had social anxiety and didn't want the attention of being with someone in public. So Overall, she was just an awkward potato like me that she felt comfortable around.
Chance is in fact missing his right wing, the only thing he has on his right side is a nub of where his wig used to be. I toy'd with the idea of a prosthesis quite a bit actually, but it doesn't fit his character at the moment. With him lying in a pool of depression for so long, I envisioned him in such a way that he would not do anything to change his position in life. So getting his wing fixed to me would go against the self harm thing, it would also go against letting go of what happened by taking that important step forward.
I do plan for this to be more than one 'book' so to speak, so I have not ruled it off the table just yet. This being 'technically' the Fallout Equestria universe, such prosthesis do in fact exist and I am not against them in the slightest. But writing them in could be a little lengthy, it would mean longer chapters. Again, not against that either, I'm used to writing 25k chapters for FoE already. I just have to wait and see if folks want to see that sort of thing.
That all being said, let's talk about that something big... All I can say is that it is going to be one hell of a chapter (ironically it's actually the next one). Lots of things are going to happen very soon to Chance. He will be left with a decision that will change his life forever and with any luck, the ponies around him as well.
Just stay tuned, I promise I am giving this my all!