The Longest Day

by NanashiSaito

Spike, the Brave and Glorious

" 'The Limit of One Over X as X Approaches Zero Sack'. So... the Infin--"

A giant foam finger instantiated over Spike's lips, forcibly preventing him from speaking, as Discord looked around conspiratorially.

"Shhh. We don't want to be using the I-Word. Or the A-Word or the M-Acronym. And we certainly don't want to draw any parallels between our protagonist and the T-word. The Mouse, he's always listening."

"Who?"

"Never you mind. Listen, for this next step, we're going to need to give you a little makeover," at this, Discord produced a measuring tape and an oversized pair of scissors and began to snip at imaginary spots in the air. As he did so, a flickering form began to build itself up around Spike. It started as a purple robe, fringed with black, and built itself up until it became man-shaped.

"What are you doing?" Spike asked, in a voice that was suddenly aged, gravelly and wizened.

"Hush, I'm concentrating." Discord instantiated a photograph and a pen and began sketching a face in midair above the neckline of the robes that had built up around Spike, looking to the photograph for reference.

As Spike moved his paws, the arms of the simulacrum that had built up around him moved as well. Discord nodded in approval and clapped his paw and claw together to finalize the illusion. Spike worked his jaw up and down and tested out his new voice.

"I am old and wise. You must listen to me because I am old." Spike let out an awkward laugh as he lifted his arms up and down, oblivious to the fact that Madam Pomfrey, the hospital matron, had just walked in through the entryway.

"Professor Dumbledore, Madame Maxime... What are you-- I mean, hello, good evening to you. Did you need something?"

Spike put his arms down quickly, and Discord, who had seamlessly transitioned himself into the form of Madame Maxime, replied in a flawless, if not over-the-top French accent, "Ah, yes, but zee 'Eadmaster was just about to show me zee trinkets in 'is office. Weren't you now, Dumbly-dore?"

"Um... Yes. Yes I was," Spike spoke in the voice of Albus Dumbledore. "Let's, um, let's go."

Poppy Pomfrey narrowed her eyes skeptically for a moment, but then they widened in shock as she came to an embarrassing realization. Poppy had always assumed that Dumbledore was just a touch mancy, what with the way he always carried on with the young boys. But here she was, interrupting a soon-to-be tryst. She wasn't exactly sure how old the Headmaster was, but he was certain to be at least a few decades older than Madame Maxime.

Good for him, he deserves it, what with all the work he does around here... even if she is a bit long through the bone... Madame Pomfrey thought to herself.

"You two have fun!" she intoned out loud, waving in a stilted fashion with an awkward smile on her face.

"Oh yes, we will 'ave oodles of it!" Discord-Maxime tittered, giving Madame Pomfrey an exaggerated wink. "You know what zey say about zee wizards with large wands?"

Madame Pomfrey blinked a few times. "No...? What do they say?"

Discord-Maxime rolled her eyes as they left the hospital wing.

---

"Look at him, he's just like Philomena!" Spike was scratching the Phoenix in Dumbledore's office underneath its beak. At first, it eyed him skeptically but upon sensing his good, if not different nature than his true master, he quickly warmed up. "But what exactly are we waiting for?"

Discord hummed a little tune and drummed his paw on the desk. "Oh, you'll know it when you see it. Or, feel it."

Fawkes suddenly began to retch, as if he were a cat coughing up a hairball.

"No, no, little guy, it's alright!"

But despite Spike's reassurances, Fawkes opened its mouth wide and vomited forth a stream of liquid Phoenix-fire all over the false Dumbledore. He coughed up a few more times and then belched out a pair of objects: a long, dark-grey wand and a short rod of dark stone, which promptly arced through the air towards Spike's not-face, passing through the spectral form and clattering to the floor of the office.

"That," Discord cackled, "is what we were waiting for. Now, remember, the second Mirror is hidden inside the first Mirror, which normally shows you your deepest desire, which should be the second Mirror because the only way for you to rescue Rarity is by retrieving the second Mirror from inside the first Mirror, but the first Mirror will only show the second Mirror to someone who knows the second Mirror is there but no one alive knows the second Mirror is inside the first Mirror, except now for you. You got it?"

"I... I don't know?"

"Third base!"

"What?"

"Third... Oh, come on! I'm getting tired of no one understanding my little references."

"Uh, okay? So... I go down to the third-floor corridor, sing a little song to the three-headed dog, then follow the rooms until I reach the Mirror. The first Mirror. Right?"

"Yep." Discord pouted, moodily.

"And this rod here will transform the Mirrors into their true form..."

"Yep."

"And you promise I get to eat them when all is said and done?"

"Naturally."

"And then how will I find my way to Rarity?"

"Oh, I'm sure some ridiculous trope will apply. Just follow your heart or something like that. Or maybe a good Deus Ex Machina will fly out of the air like a Phoenix that can teleport people to arbitrary locations."

"Are you serious?"

"You know, I really have to restrain myself from making that 'Peter Pettigrew' joke for the third time."

Spike rolled Dumbledore's eyes and grabbed the wand and rod off the ground with his mouth, which also served as Dumbledore's right hand.

"So, how exactly do you know so much about all of this?" Spike asked, suddenly curious.

"The truth is, I cheated a bit. I read the plot summary on Discordpedia."

"You what?"

Discord produced his copy of Discordpedia and began leafing through the pages, "Here, let's see... The Moon's Apprentice... Friendship is Optimal... All American Girl... Ah, yes, here we are. The Longest Day. See, right here. Chapter 21: 'Spike, the Brave and Glorious'."

Discord began to read from the entry, " 'Spike, disguised as Albus Dumbledore (courtesy of Discord), travels to the Headmaster's office to retrieve the Elder Wand and the Line of Merlin, an artifact that was brought to Earth by none other than Princess Celestia--"

"Princess Celestial was here?!" Spike interrupted.

"Patience, patience, little dear. Ahem, as I was saying. '...by none other than Princess Celestia, the true identity of the wizard known on Earth-616 as Merlin, as a tool to strip away the vessels that contain the various Elements of Harmony. Spike travels to the third-floor corridor and removes the Mirror of Erised from inside the Mirror of Noitilov, and then uses the Line of Merlin to extract the Space and Time Stones, respectively. Fawkes then appears, and in a burst of Phoenix-fire, transports them both to the graveyard where Harry and the ponies are currently being held hostage by Lord Voldemort.' See? Clear as crystal."

"What even is this thing? I have a whole chapter named after me? What else does it say about me? Gimme, gimme!" Spike's hands shot outward to try to grab the book, but the illusory hands of Albus Dumbledore passed through the illusory form of Discord and his book.

"Get away, this is my private diary! You don't want to upset me, I might just change the ending so that Harry just does something crazy like snapping his fingers and wiping out half the universe."

Spike took a step back, "Could... could you actually do something like that?"

"Oh, silly dragon, I can do whatever I want! Or at least, I can say that I can."

Spike paced back and forth, nervously. "Ok, well this is starting to make my head hurt. So just to make totally certain, once I show up, this wand will do all the fighting for me? And then that will make sure Rarity is safe?"

Discord shrugged. "That's what the book says!"

And at that, with a deep breath, Spike prepared himself for the next steps he needed to take.