A Changeling-y Merry Hearth's Warming!

by Meridian Prime

All Day Long, We Will Be Changeling In The Snow

Deep underground, the entire town of Fargoat sat huddled silently in the dark. At first, the assorted ponies had made as much commotion as they could through their slime (ew) bindings, but as more and more of their fellows had joined them they began to realise the hopelessness of their situation. Now, the only sounds to be heard were the occasional sniffle of a frightened foal.

“Oh balls, what happened…”

Up to now, that is.

Flim groaned, the sound of his brothers voice shaking the last of his stupor from him. “Language,” he grumbled, before looking around sleepily—and rapidly looking around again, a lot less sleepily. His brother was lying next to him rubbing his head, and they were in a dark cavern, lit only by dim light filtering through the entrance tunnel, and surrounded by hundreds of ponies. Every single one was bound and gagged by… slime? Memories came flooding back to him, and he groaned again, this time in fear.

“Oh we’ve done it now, brother,” he whispered.

“Definitely doomed,” Flam agreed, also whispering.

“Positively porked.”

“Bountifully buggered.”

“Fantastically fu-”

Flim was cut off, as all of a sudden, loud kitschy music began booming out into the cave. Most of the ponies looked around in confusion, but Flim recognised the music, and by the look on his face his brother did too. It was, after all, one of the many terrible, generic festive songs they had played in their shop—and unless he was much mistaken, played over one of the cheap tapedecks they had sold the crazy-mare-slash-apparent-changeling-queen.

Suddenly, the room burst into light. Blinking away the spots in his vision, Flim could only gape at the utterly ridiculous sight before him.

The entire cavern was covered top to bottom in Hearth’s Warming junk. Every single glitzy piece of crap that the two had been able to get their hooves on, all the true dregs of their stock that not even the most naive of Hearth’s Warming shoppers had bought—all of it was on proud display. From cheerfully offensive sweaters^[1] to neon pink and brown sparkling baubles, the walls of the cave had been transformed into some strange monument to bad decorating. Just as the collected ponies had finished gawking at the bizarre ornamentation, a buzzing came from the doorway—and to Flim’s horror, changelings began pouring into the room.

However, while many of the ponies cowered in fear (and a few fainted again) it soon became clear that the changelings were not quite as intimidating as usual. Every single one was wearing one of the many terrible jumpers that the brothers had had in stock, with one purple-tinged changeling looking particularly grumpy about it, and most of them were wearing Santa hats too—although not all of them were wearing theirs correctly. One had even put one on each hoof, and appeared to have wrapped their head in tinsel. The changelings, instead of attacking as many of the ponies expected, instead lined up in neat little rows opposite, sitting quietly on their haunches.

Finally, Queen Chrysalis herself stepped in. And she was quite the sight to behold. She wore a truly hideous lime-green-and-mustard sweater, multi-coloured tinsel ran around and through the holes in her hooves, and topping it all off was yet another Santa hat. Despite wearing it correctly, it somehow was even more absurd on the feared changeling queen, that had once bested Celestia herself in combat, than it had been on the rank and file changelings. She walked up in front of the ponies, and cleared her throat loudly.

“Ponies of Fargoat!” she began stridently, “You are all hereby invited to the first annual Changeling Hive Hearth’s Warming Party!”

Her words echoed around the cave, ringing through uncomprehending ears.

“Eh?” said Flam.

The Changeling Queen huffed impatiently. “Oh for—BRING THEM IN!”

Immediately, more changelings, equally festive as all the rest, began streaming in through the entrance tunnel. These changelings, however, were a little slower—understandably, given the sheer amount of stuff they were carrying. Presents, chairs, tables, trees—and piles and piles of steaming hot food. Meanwhile, the changelings in front of them had moved towards them to many ‘mmff’s of terror, only to elicit much more confused noises as they began undoing the bindings of every single pony. Flim and Flam gave each other another bewildered look. It appeared to be becoming a trend today, and not a welcome one.

The formerly captive ponies stood up and began talking to one another, only to slowly quiet down as they realised what their captors had been doing. Before them, a truly magnificent feast had been spread out. Carrots, yam, Brussel sprouts, broccoli, alfafa, hay, roasted aubergines, more Brussel sprouts—every kind of vegetable one could imagine, and more gravy and potato than Flim had ever seen in his life. He could feel his mouth begin to water just looking at it. But his gaze was torn away from the food as the changeling queen cleared her throat once more.

“All of you have been invited here to our party. Along with your food. And presents.” She looked at the ponies expectantly. For some reason, she seemed inordinately pleased with herself.

“Errr, but I didn’t want to come?” One very brave stallion spoke up. But instead of the violence that might reasonably be expected as a consequence of talking back to one of Equestria’s greatest enemies, Chrysalis instead looked triumphant.

“Ahah! But you’re already here! Surely you can’t leave now? It would be terribly rude after all…” The coaxing smile she began the sentence with had turned decidedly sinister by the last line. Flim wasn’t sure whether to be impressed by her audacity, or to facehoof at how dumb it was.

She must realise that that’s not going to wor-

“Oh, well, I suppose you’re right...” The stallion from before said hesitantly. Flim’s jaw dropped as he snapped his head around to stare at the offending pony, only for it to drop further as a general murmur of assent spread throughout the crowd.

“Eh??” said Flam.

“It can’t hurt to try, can it?” one mare suggested.

“I mean, it’s Hearth’s Warming! Spirit of the season, and all that,” an elderly stallion next to her agreed.

That’s quite enough of this for me. Flim thought. “Welllll,” he began, yanking on Flam’s stunned forehoof, “that sounds awfully amusing, but my brother and I have a most urgent appointment that we simply must keep, so I think we’ll just be going no-”

“WE HAVE THE EGGNOG!”

Silence descended. Two changelings, apparently latecomers, had appeared at the entrance triumphantly, a large cauldron carried between them in their magic. Suddenly, Flim felt his brother’s hoof slip from his own, and to his shock, Flam stepped cautiously forward towards the two. “Eggnog, you say?”

Flim knew his brother had a taste for local spirits, but this was ridiculous. “Is this really the time for thi-” he hissed, only to cut himself off as Flam held up a silencing hoof.

All eyes were watching the exchange now. A change had come over Flam, and they could all sense it—gone was the confused conpony. In his place, a seasoned connoisseur. Slowly, he walked towards the table, picking up a glass in his magic, and then just as slowly, he walked over to the Eggnog changelings. He stopped. Both shapeshifters were now visibly nervous. The one on the right fidgeted as he lowered the glass in to the creamy liquid. Everyone in the room watched, riveted, as he slowly lifted the glass to his lips, and took a sip.

“Well,” the changeling on the left asked anxiously after a moment, “how is it?”

Flam closed his eyes, and exhaled slowly through his nose. “Exquisite,” he whispered.

The entire room, changeling and pony alike, broke out into cheers. “Come on everypony!” the stallion from before shouted, “I’m starving!” With a chorus of enthusiastic agreements, the crowd of ponies practically mobbed the table, and the changelings found themselves quickly dragged in as well. Desperately, a purple-finned changeling wrenched himself away from the crowd and pushed his way over to Chrysalis.

“Your majesty!” he shouted over the din, “your majesty please, this is our chance!”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Oh, lighten up Fanfic. Take a break for once!” Ignoring the despair on his face, she skipped over to where Flim was now trying the eggnog, looking for all the world as if he were having a religious experience.

“It seems you have helped make this party a success twice over!” she said, beaming down at the two once again nervous ponies,^[2] “I guess there might be something you ponies are good for after all. Sit with me! You are guests of honour for the night, and we can have all the eggnog we like!”

The brothers perked up again. “Now that, your majesty,” Flim began with a grin.

“Is an idea we can get behind,” Flam finished.

---

In the corner, far out of reach of the cross-species revelry that most of the hive had descended into, a lone changeling sat, nursing a single glass of eggnog. He stared into its depths with the air of a ling who had been beaten down one too many times for the day, and had simply decided that life could take a hike until tomorrow. Even as someone else walked over, and sat down beside him, he didn’t look up. For a while the two just sat there, an almost companionable silence settling in the air around them. Finally, the first ling spoke up.

“She’s just… so stupid.”

His words had the ring of revelation to them. A truth that had been known, before, but never truly understood.

The second ling shifted over to pat him gently on the back, looking down at him commiseratingly. “I know, brother.”

“She’s just so stupid Thorax.”

“I know, brother.”

“Why is she so stupid?”

“I wish I knew, Pharynx. I wish I knew.”

---

The party was in full swing.

More than a few ponies and lings were passed out on the floor of the cavern, fallen haphazardly over each other, the sound of snores both insectile and equine filling the air. Those that remained were very, very drunk.^[3] Herself included.

“Heyyyyy, Chrysssie!” a voice called from behind her. Swinging round, she beamed down at the pony behind her.

“Flaaaaan!” she said, “Where’d you go? I mi-*hic*-misshed you.” She pouted, squinting slightly to steady her image of him.

Flam grinned at her, and held up a rather hefty bag of bits. “Swiped this off some ol’ geezer,” he slurred, “ponies are so-” he swayed a little, “so dumb.” He snickered to himself.

Chrysalis couldn’t help but join in. “You got that right!” she cackled. She threw a hoof around the mustachioed stallion, pulling him up against her side. “Where’s your bro-*hic*-brother?”

“Right here, milady!” Flim called out cheerfully. He was (rather precariously) balancing three glasses of eggnog in his magic as he weaved his way drunkenly over to them. He was rewarded with two enthusiastic cheers at his arrival, as he carefully handed two of the glasses over. “Sh-some party you got going!”

Chrysalis giggled. A few metres away, a slightly less drunk changeling looked over in alarm, before his new pony friend’s enthusiastic explanation of a toasters use and function distracted him. She pulled in the other brother with her free forehoof, squeezing the two in a tight hug.

“Y-y’know,” she slurred happily, “I thought this whole Hearth’s Warming Eve thing was just more pony nonshense,” she took another swig of eggnog, “but I’m starting to think there might be something to it! Look at all these ponies we duped!” she gestured vaguely out at the cavern, “Together! That’sh-*hic*-the TRUE meaning of friendship!”

“That’s right!” cheered Flim.

“Haha, yeah money!” Flam yelled happily.

Chrysalis hugged them again. “I love you guys!” she said happily, “I’m going to eat you last!”

---

Very slowly, Chrysalis came back to consciousness. She immediately regretted this decision, and tried to return to the sweet embrace of sleep, but someling was making a very loud banging noise. Some very dead ling.

With a moan, she pushed herself upright. Her skull felt a little like the rest of the hive had tapdanced across it while she slept, but she cracked one bleary eye open to see who was making the racket.

Strangely enough, everyling—and everypony—else appeared to either be asleep, or looking for the source of the sound too. Just as she began to wonder what in her name was going on, it suddenly became very apparent, as with a loud crash the entire eastern wall caved in.^[4] Obnoxiously bright sunlight streamed into the room, eliciting pained groans from all those who were awake, blocked out only by the silhouette of a lone figure standing in the ruins of the wall. A very familiar silhouette.

She groaned again. “For the last time, Shining Armour,” she said, raising her voice so it carried across the cave, “I am not paying child-support for that hellspawn you call a foal!”

With a mighty bound, the figure leapt into the cave. Shining Armour—for it indeed was him—soared gracefully through the air, flipping twice, before landing on his hind hooves with a solid crack in the most bizarre pose Chrysalis had ever seen. Both his front hooves were contorted around his torso, one wrapping around to his opposite elbow and the other somehow covering its opposite eye. His hips too, jutted out at an unnatural angle—were it not for look of deadly seriousness that he possessed (and his irritatingly good^[5] looks), Chrysalis might have been tempted to laugh at him.

“I,” he began, gravitas suffusing every word, “am not here for that, Chrysalis. I know now that I was deceived—the doctors have shown me that Flurry Heart is indeed my daughter. Your trickery shall work on me no more!”

A loud sigh echoed through the chamber. “I think she gets it, sweetie.”

Princess Cadance slowly picked her way over the rubble of Shining Armour’s entrance, making her way slowly into the cave to stand next to her husband. To Chrysalis’ surprise, the Princess looked significantly worse than the last time she had seen her—given that had been when she was her prisoner in the caves under Canterlot, that was saying something. Her mane looked vaguely like somepony had put it through a blender and then tried to stick it back on her head as if nothing had happened, and her coat was dulled and unkempt. But the true horror was her eyes. Quite aside from the massive bags coiled underneath them, they bore the look of a mare old before her time, who had seen one horror too many and was just so very done with it all. She suspected this might be in no small part due to the babbling ball of fur and evil that the Princess had strapped to her back by harness—also known as her daughter.^[6]

“You can’t keep blaming your completely irrational fear of Flurry on the changeling queen, dear.” The last time Chrysalis had seen her, Cadance’s voice had been filled with a righteous fury, and a passionate belief in the ability of her loved ones to recognise her absence that had been irritatingly accurate. Now, it was a dull monotone that sent a sliver of something resembling pity down the changeling queen’s spine. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know what had happened to Cadance in the last few years.

On her back, Flurry Heart giggled happily, before sending a searing blast of arcane force straight at the ceiling, vapourising a solid three feet of rock. Cadance gave a brief glance upwards. “Mostly irrational,” she amended tonelessly.

Shining Armour faltered slightly. “No no, my darling, that’s not it at all!” he said, dropping his pose to turn beseechingly towards his wife, “I’m bringing her to justice for you! For us, for our family!”

Princess Cadance sighed once again. “Shining, I’d honestly almost forgotten about her.” Chrysalis could not help but be a little insulted by this, despite her still pounding headache and the instinctive gratitude it gave her towards anyone willing to take the noise away. “I think,” she continued with the patient air of one who had long given up hope of being listened to, “that this might be a problem you have with her.”

Shining Armour gave a full body twitch. To an outside observer, it looked a little like he’d just tried to start dancing a jig, and immediately thought better of it. He hunched in on himself. “I,” he said waveringly, “I…” He trailed off, before whatever madness had seized him before seemed to return in full force.

He whirled around again, settling once more into his strange battle pose. “I will avenge my wife, you foul creature!” he cried, “your vile deeds-”

“Shiny, I really don’t care that much about her any more.”

“Your vile deeds,”, he repeated more forcefully, “will not be forgotten!”

“Shiny please go see a therapist.”

“Not ever!” he shouted, before leaping forward in a spinning whirl of limbs straight at Chrysalis. With an undignified yelp, she scrambled backwards, narrowly dodging the equine bullet. He landed instead on the unfortunate sleeping form of one Flim Skim of the Flim Flam brothers, who could only let out a wheeze of pure pain as he was awoken by 250 pounds of pure equine hunk.

“Gah!” Shining Armour scrambled up in horror, “Using hostages as equine shields! You are truly the epitome of all evil!”

“What?!” she said, “I didn’t do anything, he was just sleeping there!”

“I shall avenge my fallen comrade!” Shining Armour howled, throwing himself at her once more.

“Oh come on!” she said, dodging out of the way again.

“Avenge!”

“This is stupid!”

“AVENG-”

“Oh, go boil your head you humongous Malpighian tubule!”^[7] she snapped, and with one swift movement snatched a Santa hat off of the nearest lings head, and shoved it over Shining Armour’s face.

Instantly, the stallions composure shattered. Hooves flailing, he fell to the floor, panicked yells muffled by the soft fluffy fabric. The stare that Princess Cadance gave her husband might have been called disbelieving on someone else, but on her it just looked a little more resigned. Chrysalis, on the other hoof, could not afford to waste time.

“CHANGELINGS!” she bellowed, wincing as her head throbbed loudly in protest, “FLEE!”

At once, the many lings that had been lying sleeping peacefully, or painfully awake, sprang into action. A loud buzzing filled the hall as the entire hive rose up into the air and streamed out of the tunnel—something that may have been more impressive without the loud chorus of pained groans and multiple variations of “Oh, my head,” that filled the air. Chrysalis stopped only to give one last wistful glance at the still sleeping Flam, before throwing herself into the air after her subjects.

It seemed she had not been a moment too soon either, as just as she took off a single, dishevelled guard burst in through the broken wall. “Commander, we’ve seen no sight of the changel-” He stopped, staring at the scene in front of him.

The guard looked between the fleeing changelings, his commander screaming through a Santa hat on the floor, his commander’s daughter giggling happily on her mother’s back, and the dead-eyed stare of the Princess of Love.

“Well that didn’t work.”

Princess Cadance sighed, very, very deeply.

---

[1] Not to be confused with offensively cheerful sweaters. The former comprised any jumpers that a given racist old aunt/uncle might wear, whereas the latter was the sole domain of Ms. P D Pie.
[2] You’d be nervous too if a changeling queen was beaming at you.
[3] For the most part. She wasn’t sure about the pair in the corner.
[4] A feat possible this deep underground only due to the use of an extremely powerful excavating tool.
[5] Read: drop-dead handsome.
[6] And also known as ‘an extremely powerful excavating tool’.
[7] The very end of an insects excretory system. Not to be confused with an aperture belonging to a donkey.