Hope the story is enjoyable!

This is...relevant to my occupation.

1186689 REALLY!? that interesting

1186699 It's just a joke relating to my avatar.

1186702 I know thats funny

1186723 Because there may be a romance origin story later in the chapters...

1186729

Its strange that i was listening to 50 Cent P.I.M.P while reading this story

if u have not heard of the song look it up on youtube

1186835 Okay I'll take a look

I know of a man more pimpin
THE BLACK MUTHAFUCKIN BARON! stop starrin

Gah, formatting. Line breaks or indents or both for each new paragraph.

Good god, my mind flashed to a picture of Twilight dressed like the Blacker Baron from Max Anarchy with various ponies surrounding her, dood.
Man, do I wish that picture exists, dood.

I know I shouldn't take this seriously....BUT formating is a issue here and Rarity's use of Darling is almost more annoying then me using the word "dood", dood.

Cheers, I'll keep a eye on this, cause Pimp-light Sparkle is something that was going to happen eventually.

HA! Put this on read later....got to many stories going at once....but this has got to to funny NOT to read.

Will post my thoughts when done.

I have seen pimp spike,pinkie pimp even derpy pimp but have never even seen pimp twilight but by celestia it works.

Hello good sir, my name is Quick Fix. Writer, editor, and slightly out there.
I first saw your work 'And I'm gonna set the world on fire' and then this and got curious about the sudden flip from negatives to positives. So let's see what I can't breakdown here...

- It's not whose, its whores or are you talkin' 'bout them hoes? Either way, it was something I noticed in both the starting description and in your story.
- Indent with every new break or paragraph, it's hard to continually read a wall of text so something I do is I also add a space between each paragraph as well.
- Anytime someone talks there needs to be some sort of break. "It kinda looks like you forget to put a comma at the end of certain pieces of conversation," Quick Fix explained. "There needs to be one if you plan to explain who was talking, unless you've already explained it."
- "Twilight Sparkle, darling,what are you doing darling saying such ghetto words darling?" asked The Rarity. Ow, ow, ow. That's too much darling for one sentence, especially for Rarity. I recommend removing the ones I crossed out and it'd not be as annoying. Also, Rarity's name is Rarity, not The Rarity.
- There are a few places that still require work and whoever 'meenster' is, is not doing a well enough job.

HOWEVER! I will declare that this is a good idea. Twilight using her own intelligence to set up the hoes in the right places all 'round Ponyville for maximum money.

I'll be keeping a slight eye on this one.

1189734 thanks that was descriptive of you and helped me alot, next time ill get a better editor and make less mistakes

Haha, this is a fun idea. Kinda up there with the "I'm a chair in Equestria" story.

anyway, your friendly neighborhood Church is here to help you out with some things.

A lot of what Quick Fix said up there. Read that, learn from that. "Indent. You did a good job of starting a new line for each new speaker, but take that next step in putting a space between speakers as well." all that jazz.

You start new paragraphs when you don't need to. For instance-

"She put the card in the saddlebag and went on her way to Rarity's Carousel Boutique.
She arrived on the doorstep and knocked the door twice."

First off, "knocked on the door twice". But that was just a silly mistake. Anyway, just make that one para. Anything like that, really. Otherwise, it just makes the format look like one massive wall of text.

I'm going to say one thing. READ OTHER FICS! SPECIFICALLY GOOD ONES! But don't just read them. LEARN FROM THEM. SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING. CATCH HOW THEY SET UP THE FIC. Seriously. That is important, and is how I learned to better myself.

Keep on keepin' on! PM me if you ever need any help

1186860

Whoa, fellow Madworld player! Awesome Game, that one is.

*fistbump for being hard, homie*

i like it because its original keep it up

>edited by meenster
meenster fails at editing