Well this tale is a tale about a group of ponies who find themselves in the wake of a war outside their safe haven, how they got there, well this will take some time to explain. You can't just leave the safety of Cloudsdale's rainbows and expect a short story about a group of ponies traveling across the the vast land of Equestria you know.
The name's Sketch-it, I was born and raised in Galloport, a nice little settlement just across the sea from the main empire, nestled around the Pride Savannah and the coastline. I suffered GrayFoal's syndrome as a foal, my memory of my family was gone and replaced with harsh reminders of being an orphaned street wanderer. My luck though changed when a rich stallion seen me in the streets and took me back to his mansion. His name was Goodwill MareWeather, him and Lady MareWeather were kind ponyfolk who would find orphans or less fortunate ponies and care for them. They provided everything from food and shelter to education and other necessities for a pony to grow fruitful. All they wanted in return though was to see their hard work pay off with successful ponies leaving out in the world.
My Cutie mark is an Artist cap with a pencil and paintbrush crossing one another, so obviously my expertise was in arts like paintings and sketches. My art is more or less part of the breakfast conversations among many ponies across Equestria, they're not really amazing, or so I think anyway.
One day Mr. Mareweather gave me news that nearly had me fainting from excitement, he received a letter from my brother who I thought never existed. He had seen my art work back at the war front in Athenus, remembering my name he contacted Mareweather and offered me to live at his home in Ponyville for when he returned from the war.
Oh did I mention there was a war... well I did but you see, twenty or so years ago the Elements of Harmony went missing, and the princess herself disappeared strangely without warning, leaving Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance in command. This led to Shining Armor increasing a notice to militant power, as any land that did not have the fail safe of Cloudsdale's weather stability, disharmony would run rampant. Without the princess' power to control the celestial bodies of the sun and moon the responsibility was put in the hands of the royal family. Taking her place was a tremendous strain for the royal family to do the job of Celestia, though ultimately something had to be done about raising and lowering the celestial bodies.
So now with the new coming age, new technology was being used for purposes darker than what most could understand. Of the few ponies who live in the shelter of Cloudsdale's watch, they have no idea what is going on outside their backyard.
So this is my story, in a world of Equestria twenty or so years in the making. Starting from quaint little Ponyville to the beyond of the Great Harmonious Barrier. I never thought that my simple pony life, would turn into a grand adventure filled with terror and excitement, maybe they'll write novel stories of me, my friends, and our epic adventure, who knows.
Holy wordcount, Batmare.
It would certainly seem that, at this point, the story has pretty immense potential. However, almost from the beginning of this chapter (the 500-odd word Prologue, of all things), I was almost turned off from the story on the grounds of syntax.
This is not to say that your spelling and grammar is terrible and you should go back to school or anything, but there are certainly varying points of interest that require a good edit or two.
Now, there's nothing wrong with this in terms of spelling - in fact, I don't recall seeing any spelling errors as of yet -, there is an issue of comma placement. It should be:
I'm not going to lecture you on the proper usage of commas and punctuation, as I'm sure you're well aware of at least the obvious basics. However, I would definitely advise you either acquire an editor or proofread your own work, as if you don't then mistakes like that quote appear. These make it much, much harder for your reader to enjoy your work properly, and discourage the flow of the narrative and dialogue.
I can't say that I feel justified in judging your story from the prologue alone, and until I read on I won't even know if the rest of the story has the same issues, so I will make sure to read some of the later chapters. The premise seems quite good, but, again, the incorrect syntax just ruins it for me.
That being said, I hope you take what I've said into account. I know it's asking a lot to go over the massive chapters you've already published, but without it the quality your writing will suffer greatly.
(Again, assuming that this applies to the rest of the story. If it doesn't, make sure to at least fix the prologue. It'll discourage potential readers if you don't.)
I like it! Lots of potential in this story and I can't wait to read the rest!
Tracked. (\ ^3^ /)