Snowed In- Chapter Seven
“Boo.”
The single word was somehow the most terrifying thing that either Rainbow Dash or Applejack had ever heard in their life. The combination of the blood curdling tone of the word and the sinister, gleeful smile of the man who spoke it sent shivers up both of the girl’s spines, and left them speechless.
The very air itself inside the small cabin had adapted to the situation at hand. The vibrant, delicious scents of the morning’s meal had given way to the lingering odour of blood that hid in the carpets, and the constant shaking of the cabin windows under the pressure of the once again strengthening blizzard was doing little to ease the situation. The voice of the radio man continued to blabber on, but none of the room’s three occupants paid it any mind at all.
Soon the radio man came to a close, and music filtered from the antique box.
“What’s wrong?” the man cooed playfully. As he spoke his boney hand crept across the oak table surface, and around the grip of the hunting knife before him. “Cat got your tongues? Come on. Run, scream, you aren’t making this very fun for me.”
“But…” Applejack’s mind raced, failing to process the rapidly changing situation she was in. Montgomery’s gaze was a piercing knife into her heart. “Your grandson…. I-”
“Wow, are you gullible!” Montgomery stood with a throaty laugh, and spun to face away from the girls.
He was toying with them, not even giving the courtesy to keep eye contact. Both Rainbow and Applejack took the opportunity to stand from their seats, and begin backing away from the table. While Applejack slowly made her way towards the entrance of the family cabin Rainbow crept silently into the kitchen, never turning from the looming threat at hand. Meanwhile, the man continued to laugh.
“Alright,” Montgomery finally stopped his cackling. “Here’s the deal. I’m mad. You see, you’ve gone and ruined my game!”
The man, still facing away from the two friends, chuckled lightly. Rainbow Dash wasted no time though, as she turned to the kitchen counter beside her. There, right where Applejack had left it was one of the knives used to prepare the morning’s meal. However, just as she maneuvered to grab it the murderer began to turn and she pulled her hand away. After all, why do anything to anger an obviously psychotic man?
“And here I was, just getting started,” Montgomery stared Rainbow directly in the eyes as he spoke, causing the athletic girl to freeze. “But it would be no fun at all to just kill you now. How about we make a deal?”
In hopes of drawing the threatening man’s attention Rainbow was quick to respond, keeping their eyes locked.
“What kind of deal?”
Despite her intentions, Montgomery’s gaze shifted over to the golden-haired girl making her way towards the cabin entryway. Rainbow Dash was not willing to miss a chance, and while Applejack held the man’s gaze quickly grabbed the handle of the sharp cooking knife.
“Well,” the murderer’s eyes once again shifted to Rainbow, and then down to the knife in her shaky grip. “Don’t even-”
Before Montgomery had a chance to finish his sentence the knife was flying through the air in a collision course with his head.
“Run!” Rainbow turned to Applejack, darting from the kitchen to the cabin’s already once broken door. Rainbow did not turn to see where the knife struck, but judging by the dull thud from behind her she knew it had missed.
But it had bought them time… hopefully.
Although AJ and Rainbow had done their best to put the door back together, it had been a rushed job, and the thing was clearly lacking in durability. For the sake of saving time, and getting away from possible death as quickly as possible, Rainbow simply piled through the fragile door with her shoulder and into the frigid morning air.
It wasn’t until they were outside that Rainbow and Applejack realized how completely underdressed they were for the weather. The cold hit them like a speeding truck hits a fragile, under-fed squirrel on the highway, practically taking the two off their feet. Their shoeless feet.
Rainbow wore only a pair of baggy blue jeans and her t-shirt, while Aplejack sported a thin pair of plaid pajama pants and a fleece hoodie. It wasn’t until Rainbow took her first breath in that she realized the full effects of the blizzard, filling her lungs with icy air that made her choke violently, while Applejack mirrored a similar response to their new environment.
But there was no time to focus on the knife-like pain in their chests, or the tingling numbing of their toes. They had to run. Wrapping her fingers into Applejack’s own Rainbow began to pull the farm girl along behind her, breaking into a hardy jog through the snow.
“Come on,” Rainbow encouraged Applejack with a tug, and took a quick glance over her shoulder just in time to see Montgomery appearing in the doorway. “We-”
Rainbow cut herself off short as she watched the man lift his arm, and throw a knife in their direction. She followed it’s movements with horror as it spiraled through the snowfall and straight into Applejack’s leg closest to Rainbow.
AJ Screamed, let go of Rainbow’s hand, and fell into the icy embrace of the snow.
“Applejack!” Rainbow was quick to react, leaning down and pulling the kitchen knife from her friend’s leg while pulling the farm girl from the ground, and ducking under her arm to support her weight. “Come on, Applejack, we have to go!”
Rainbow half helped, half pulled Applejack forward with her.
Another quick glance behind Rainbow’s shoulder revealed Montgomery following, at a slower pace, hunting knife in hand and wicked smile plastered across his thin face.
. . . . .
Rarity’s jeep piled through the blizzard, tossing and turning down the narrow road, barely visible under the heavy snow fall.
“Are we there yet?” Fluttershy spoke timidly, eyes focussed on the road ahead.
“For the last time,” Rarity spoke, aggravated and trying to concentrate on her driving. “We are not there yet! However, we are getting close.”
Twilight’s grip on the gun in her hand tightened. “How close?”
Before Rarity could answer, however, a faint scream echoed in the distance.
“What-” Fluttershy muttered, horrified. “What was that!?”
Rarity began to accelerate. “Hold on tight!”
The Jeep thundered forward faster than could be considered safe.
“Fluttershy,” Twilight spoke as comfortingly as possible as she turned to face the girl behind her. “I’m sure they are fine. We’ll get there, and then we will all hug, and laugh this whole thing over!” She turned to Pinkie. “Right, Pinkie?”
Instead of responding the party girl simply stared straight ahead, her eyes hollow and scared.
Following Pinkie’s distant gaze, Twilight turned to see a sign. Inscribed on it was ‘Apple Family Cabin’.
As the situation began to take its toll on Twilight’s sanity, she started running through possible outcomes in her head. After all, was it not more likely that the gang would walk in on Applejack and Rainbow Dash happily enjoying their breakfasts, or playing a game of Monopoly, over being murdered by a wanted criminal. Twilight thought so. As the vehicle made the final turn before reaching the cabin, and the old thing came into view, Twilight realized how impossible her hopes were.
The cabin was a perfect picture from a horror movie. The front door had been smashed clean apart, splinters of wood littering the snow outside. The storm had taken its toll on the structure, forcing the roof to bend in most worryingly, and from what she could see from Rarity’s vehicle the interior of the cabin was worse off than the exterior.
Before the vehicle even came to a full stop both Pinkie and twilight were out and running towards the broken open front door, Twilight holding her recently acquired weapon close to her chest.
“Careful, Pinkie,” the librarian uttered as they neared the cabin. “We don’t want to-”
Before she had a chance to finish Pinkie Pie had already disappeared into the entranceway. Twilight followed quick behind her. Upon walking into the front room, however, she was not sure she totally believed what she was seeing.
The first thing the lavender haired girl noticed was the carpet beneath her feet, stained crimson with what she full heartedly hoped was not blood. Next, to confirm her fears were the red-stained rags and murky bowl of water that rested on the kitchen counter top. As if the first two irregularities weren’t enough to leave a dozen unanswered questions in her head Twilight next noticed three full breakfast meals on the table, still steaming and untouched.
“What the…” Twilight was stunned. “What happened here?”
She had not a single explanation. Her first guess would have been that their suspicions were true, and that the murderer had indeed attacked the cabin, but why then were there freshly cooked meals, and no sign of whoever made them. And why was there so much blood?
Then, from the bedroom closest to the entrance way, called Pinkie Pie. “Come quick!”
Without a moment’s hesitation Twilight turned on her ankle, momentarily forgetting the strange scene before her and bee lining for the bedroom in hope of answers. She received none. Upon entering the room she immediately judged that it belonged to their friend, Applejack, based on the orange decorations and general appeal. What confused her was why the room was in such disarray, clothing and bedding thrown about as if a tornado had hit.
“Called it!” Pinkie smiled victoriously. “They were totally-”
The familiar horrified scream of Fluttershy from outside the cabin cut Pinkie off before she could finish her train of thought, though Twilight feared where it was going. Pinkie and Twilight met gazes for a split second before turning towards the door.
“Girls!” Rarity called, still outside the cabin. “Come quick!”
Twilight and Pinkie rushed into the cold once again to see Rarity and Fluttershy standing side by side, quite a ways from the house, in the direction three sets of fresh footprints in the snow led. As she stepped from the mild warmth of the cabin and into the morning once again Twilight realized that the front door had not been broken in, but out. They were trying to run away from something.
“Is…” Fluttershy spoke as Pinkie and Twilight approached, backing away and pointing at the snow before her. “Is that blood!?”
Following Fluttershy’s gaze the two saw it. A thick trail of red leading into the forest. Despite how fresh the blood looked it was already mostly covered by a layer of recently fallen snow.
“There is even more inside,” Twilight expressed greviously. “Lots more.” Her heart beat threateningly against her chest as she regretted speaking her next words. “Alright, let’s go!”
“Go?” Rarity was taken back. “Go where?”
“We have to follow the yellow brick road!” chimed Pinkie, much too excited considering the circumstances, before continuing in a much more depressing tone. “Or, in this case, the crimson trail of fresh blood…”
“Oh.”
Twilight’s grip on the pistol in her hands tightened as she realized how real the possibility of having to fire it was becoming. With a heavy, icy breath the gang rushed forward into the blizzard, with only a trail of blood to guide them.
. . . . .
Rainbow had been in more favourable situations.
She had lost all feeling in her feet several minutes ago, after falling into a hiding place behind a rather large pine tree, and her fingers were on a quick path to join in said numbness. Only a light tingling remained to remind the athlete that they were still there at all. Slumped in the snow she sat, awaiting whatever hellish curve ball her life decided to throw at her next. Without the adrenaline pumping through her veins Rainbow was sure she would have been out cold already.
Before her, in the snow, was a bloody kitchen knife pulled from the leg of her closest friend. To her right said mentioned friend had fallen weakly into the snow, unable to support her weight any longer and instead had her back resting against Rainbow’s shoulder. Oh, all the things that had gone wrong, and it couldn’t yet have been ten in the morning.
On the bright side, the man hunting them down for fun was nowhere to be seen.
“R-Rainbow?”
Rainbow looked over to AJ, who despite her tough girl façade was in very poor condition. The large gash on the farm girl’s left thigh had been covered and wrapped tight by one of Rainbow’s pant legs, cut off just below her hip with the help of the very tool that had inflicted the injury. Rainbow’s right leg was also a might bit chilly, to say the least.
“I’m here, Apples,” Rainbow spoke in a tone as to say ‘everything will be alright’, but she knew it was a lie; it was just a matter of time. “How badly does it hurt?”
“That’s the thing…” Applejack muttered, her voice giving away her fear. “It- it doesn’t hurt at all. I don’t feel a thing.”
“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” fighting back tears Rainbow pulled the girl into her lap, close to her chest, and used an arm to support her golden haired head. Maybe Rainbow still had some warmth in her to give, but she doubted it. “I think we lost him. I’ll keep you safe, okay?”
No response.
“Applejack?” Rainbow placed a hand on the farm girl’s cheek, forcing AJ to look at her. Applejack did not look like she was in pain; instead she looked frighteningly tired.
The wounded girl nuzzled into the warm hand on her cheek. “Uhh… mhmm? Did you say something, Dashie?”
“Please,” Rainbow’s battle not to cry was a lousy one. “Stay with me, AJ…. You can’t leave me now, not after I’ve just fallen in love with you!”
Rainbow pressed her lips against those of the girl beneath her, but couldn’t tell if Applejack was kissing back because she returned the feeling or because Rainbow’s tongue was warm.
“You- you can’t do that to me!” the first tears finally broke across her face. “It’s not fair!”
Just then, as Rainbow knew was eventually coming, she heard a voice that belonged to neither her nor Applejack.
“Peek-a-boo.”
Rainbow Dash’s spine shook at the blood curdling delight in Montgomery’s introduction. Applejack seemed to barely notice the foreboding threat as her eyelids threatened to slide closed for good.
“Where aaaaare yoooouuuu?”
“Rainbow?” Applejack whispered, clinging onto consciousness with all her will power. “I’m scared.”
“Don’t’ worry,” Rainbow slowly ran her fingers through AJ’s hair one last time before lowering the girl from her lap and onto the bloody snow. She reached forward and wrapped her numbing fingers around the kitchen knife’s handle as tight as she could. “I’ll protect you.”
The crunching of snow behind them grew louder as Montgomery approached.
"I'll..." Rainbow searched for the right words. I'll be right back, Okay?"
Gripping the knife tighter, Rainbow could only hope that Applejack was too out of it to realize what she was planning. Of course, she would not be so fortunate.
“What!?” Applejack’s whisper demanded attention. “No, you can’t-”
Rainbow did the only thing she could do. She silenced the blonde girl with a kiss.
And if it was going to be Rainbow’s last kiss, she was glad it would be Applejack. After a moment of holding her lips against the farm girl’s Dash pulled away and offered a quick wink.
“I have to try.”
Standing was more difficult than Rainbow thought it would be. Her legs begged to give out beneath her, but no matter how much her body complained Rainbow refused to let it have its way; if not for herself, then for Applejack.
“Well!” Montgomery’s voice cut through the crisp morning air. He had finally reached the end of the trail of blood, where it made one final turn before disappearing behind the tree. “Looks like my trail ends here! You made it quite far, considering. Now, why don’t you come out come out wherever you are!”
With a final deep, painful icy breath, Rainbow stepped out from behind her cover and into the open. Montgomery stood several meters away, hunting knife in hand, and his gaze piercing straight through her.
“Well well,” the murderer laughed. “Looky here. ‘Bout time you showed your pretty face.” He bagan stepping forward whilst speaking. “Oh, and before I stab you to death, allow me to thank you kindly for running! Made this whole adventure much more… satisfying.”
Although he was trying to hide it, Rainbow quickly took notice of how the man’s arms and legs severely shook with each step he took. Montgomery had made the same mistake Rainbow did, in his hurry to catch them, and was not prepared for the cold. The icy wind cut through his snow-white t-shirt and cargo pants like a hot knife through butter.
“You’re sick.” Rainbow slowly began side stepping away from her hiding spot, in hopes of drawing attention from her wounded friend.
“Maybe a little,” Montgomery continued his forward approach. “But the best of us usually are.”
And then life finally threw another curve ball Rainbow’s way, which in most cases meant something very bad, if not life threatening. However, this time it was in the form of a blessing, or more specifically, a muffled shout in the distance.
“What was that?” Montgomery spun his attention around to where the voice had come from, his wicked smile showing signs of falter.
“Well,” Rainbow smiled at her sudden turn of luck, all the while struggling just to stay standing. “They were talking about you quite a lot on the radio. Maybe the search team has finally caught up!” Without skipping a beat the athlete cupped her hands over her mouth and shouted. “Help! Over here!”
She quickly regretted her decision as Montgomery’s expression turned sour, and hateful, returning his attention to the girl standing in his way.
“No matter,” the man tried to hide the fear in his voice. “All they will find is two bloody corpses.”
And suddenly he was running, full speed towards Rainbow, knife at the ready.
It was luck alone that allowed Rainbow to dodge the first thrust of the serrated knife towards her chest. As the murderer charged the uneven forest terrain, mixed with the snow beneath his feat, caused him to momentarily swing off balance and stumble to his right, giving Rainbow the time she needed to dodge away from the fast approaching instrument of death. Quick to react under pressure, Rainbow Dash lashed out with her fist, managing to make hard contact with the wanted man’s jaw and sending him back stumbling.
Her victory was short lived.
“You’ll regret that,” Montgomery spat into the snow.
“You know,” Rainbow prepared for another strike. “I don’t think I will.”
Without further delay he charged again. The distant voices were growing louder, and this only served to rile the man up further. Montgomery knew he was fighting at a disadvantage, between the cold and his recent loss of blood, and his head was spinning violently. His steps began to miss their mark, and he was troubled to run in a straight line.
This time, as he charged passed Rainbow, she managed to slice her kitchen knife across his face. If it were similar to the man’s own weapon perhaps that would have been the end of the confrontation, but the dulled blade managed only to gash open his cheek as he stumbled.
For a moment Rainbow took pause to celebrate her victory, believing herself to finally have the advantage. Her opponent, who a moment ago seemed angry enough to cut open a bear with his bare hands, was now hunched over in the snow dripping blood. With a new found surge of bravery she advanced forward, preparing for the final blow.
That was her first mistake.
As she neared the pathetic looking man she realized this. His cackling laugh was a giveaway that she had already made a bad move, but before Rainbow cold react Montgomery turned, and with a powerful kick from his legs shot his shoulder into Rainbow Dash’s gut.
For a moment time seemed to stop as the icy air that had invaded Rainbow’s lungs was forced out in a single burst of pain. Then that moment ended, and the girl found herself falling helplessly backwards into an icy embrace. At least the landing was soft.
Before Rainbow could react the man was standing high above her, his signature sadistic smile once again dominating his face. In a single, lightning quick thrust, the hunting knife arched down towards Rainbow’s chest. Without thinking the girl moved her hand to intercept the incoming death, shutting her eyes tight in fear.
But nothing happened. She never felt the knife dive thirstily into her flesh, or make the final blow to end her life. Then again, maybe she had died and it was simply too quick to notice. If only she were so lucky.
A warm sensation dripped onto her cheek, like a drop of sunlight falling from the sky. Then another. Bewildered, Rainbow’s eyes slid open. She immediately regretted the decision. It wasn’t that Montgomery had failed to stab her, or that he simply decided not to, no. The hunting knife had passed straight through the palm of Rainbow’s hand, but she had not felt a thing. Her hand had lost all feeling, and she could only watch in horror as more drops of her own blood fell from her palm and across her cheeks.
She tried to scream- really, she did- but nothing came out. Only her final breath as she watched her last moment playing out before her.
This was not how she had foreseen her weekend going. It was going to be a simple trip into the mountains with her closest friends, for the weekend of their lives. It was never supposed to be the last weekend of her life, and yet here she was, watching as the hunting knife tore free of its fleshy sheath and prepared to dive in for the second course.
“Time to end this.”
And with that, the knife began to fall, like a pendulum towards the girl’s heart.
Then something caught Rainbow’s attention, out of the corner of her eye. In a sudden blur of movement the form of Applejack threw itself across the snow, stumbling clumsily into Montgomery before the knife made it to its mark and throwing the man into the snow. Applejack tumbled down on top of him.
“Applejack!” Rainbow attempted to move to her aid, but her body didn’t budge; not a single muscle.
Montgomery, quicker than Applejack to react, kicked the farm girl’s body off of him forcefully.
Rainbow believed once that the cynical smile the man performed so well was the most terrifying thing she would ever see. She was wrong. The expression the man boasted now, one bred of pure hate and bloodlust, was by far the most terrifying.
“Stay down!” Montgomery screamed into the morning air, before plunging the knife into Applejack’s body. “Just die already!”
Rainbow dearly hoped that Applejack too was too numb to feel the blade in her flesh, but the whimpered groans of pain emitting from the girl put her hopes to rest.
Rainbow watched in horror as Montgomery raised the knife again, preparing for another strike on the very lifeless looking Applejack below him. The blade began it’s descent.
BANG!
Montgomery’s hand exploded, the hunting knife flying into the distance, and Rainbow’s vision began to ebb and flow. Was it finally over? Had the police arrived?
To Dash’s disbelief, Montgomery turned towards his attacker, and stood. It was like he hadn’t even felt the bullet rip through his hand, which Rainbow quickly realized he probably hadn’t. He took one weak, wobbly step forward. Then another.
BANG!
Montgomery stumbled back. From where Rainbow lay motionless Montgomery was between her and the rescue forces. She desperately wished she could see the faces of her saviours. A small hint of relief filled Rainbow as she watched her attacker’s white shirt become red. And then he took another step forward.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
At long last, Montgomery fell.
He fell back, the snow welcoming him into its embrace.
Without the man obstructing her vision Rainbow could finally see her saviours. There, staring wide eyed in fear towards Rainbow, was Twilight, gun raised, and the rest of the gang rushing forward into the blizzard.
They were shouting things, but Rainbow could not make them out. She heard only the echo of gun shots. A strange, warm sensation coursed through the fingertips of the hand Montgomery had stabbed. Her head fell to the side, glancing to where Applejack was lying motionless. With a final icy breath, Rainbow’s eyes slid closed.
The End.
You and your genius writing skills........drag me into read a story even when Im in a hurry,,,,,,,
BUT I REGRET NOTHING!
This chapter was just another example that showed me that this story MUST be reread at some point of my life.
Maybe just one day until the next chapter? Totally will make my day tomorrow
1909448
Just updated :D
1913780
Well then I'll be glad to make your day tomorrow ;)
You know, I wouldn't mind seeing more stories like this, not the whole murderer aspect, but this is one of the few Humanized stories that is actually good and well written. If you write more of them, preferably romance, than I will read them .
1913970
I'll tell ya what... you tell me your favorite pairing, and give me a good critique on this or one of my other already written stories, and I'll write ya a humanized story for that pairing :) I'm feeling generous right now :)
Also, why is there an icon for photo finish, but not vinyl :(
1913984
A critique huh? Let's see...... Alright:
Over all the story is good. And I don't mean that just to be nice, I sincerely enjoyed it. It took an interesting turn that I did not see coming with Montgomery, and the believability of how and why they where stuck in the cabin was good. However it was a bit odd to have the whole murderer aspect. I know that psychopaths tend to kill for some sick and twisted reason, however you never give any form of foreshadowing as to why this guy chose them. Psychotics do actually have reasons for choosing their victims, it's not completely random. So when this guy showed up I thought he was just going to be some traveler who needed aid, not a killer. Next up we have the romance side of the story. If a ship fic is written well enough than I don't mind the pairing, and you do make good points as to why these two characters shack up, as the young people call it, however it still falls into the bad habit of "hey I just realized I like you let's start dating". It's never that simple, especially with same sex love interests. There can be some unsuredness from either or even both characters. Because these two aspects of this story, the murderer and the shipping, both seem like they where.... "compressed" is the word that comes to mind. But because of this it feels as though you wanted to do one story and than thought about changing it but didn't want start over so you just said BAM! two halves make a whole.
Now again I would like to reiterate; This is a good story and I liked it a lot, however this story should be returned to and fleshed out in certain areas. The overall story could be expanded greatly by fleshing out more of the characters. Lengthen the time for their "true feelings" to really settle in and come to terms with them. Why did Montgomery choose them.
I know I am critiquing a story that still has a chapter left but you did ask me so here you go.
(p.s. if you don't hate me at the end of that I wouldn't mind seeing a humanized Twilight Applejack ship fic )
1914043
Hate you? Please! I feed off criticism... I write so that I can become better, not so I can be told how good I am over and over again, cause that would just get old fast :P Thank you so much for your insightful advice, I really appreciate it! I am definitely going to be doing a massive edit of this story for several reasons, including;
-I really like where this story went, and how I developed as a writer writing it!
-You were bang on when you said I changed my mind halfway... but I'll explain that in a bit.
-I've gotten a lot of good critique on this story, and I want to see just how much of it I can use to make this as good as I can!
-To be honest, I prefer re-writing a story more then the first draft, cause I improve a lot more when revising the when creating.
-Reading over the story again, I've seen a lot of places that I've made mistakes in the story, or that I just think I could have done better!
Anyways, that's just my personal opinion. I know a lot of writers hate being told when they are wrong, but I freaking love it! (So long as it is constructive criticism) Anyways, as to expand on the point I made earlier, this story was not exactly the most thought out...
It started out as a simple shipping idea; Rainbow and AJ get stuck together in a cabin. Romance ensues. However, after I posted the first two chapter, and was well into writing the third, I realized that the story was going NOWHERE! It was just going to be another shit Shipping fic! So at that point I just kinda said screw it, through in a random bloody body, and improvised from there... to be honest I'm amazed by how well it turned out!
However, now that I've seen this story's potential, and the attention it's gotten, I can't help but want to flush it out, and make it all it can be! So, thank you for your criticism, as I can add it to my list o things to consider, and look out for when I really turn this story into a piece of work that I, as a writer who aspires to be better, can be proud of!!!!
...and on a totaly different note, I'd be happy to try writing a... Applelight? Twijack? Whatever the hell it's called humanized story for ya :) Again, thank you, it really is for great critiques that I write, otherwise I wouldn't bother posting my stuff online!
1913970 I agree this is by far the most well written humanized story that I have read and I hope that you wright more. Oh and by the way I love writing cliff hangers as well but. just thought you should know how I fell about that.
1914072
That's what this site is for
1914107
But... But... I have to fight for my title of the 'Cliffhanger King', givin to me by my readers over on DeviantART :) Oh, and thanks... that actually means a whole lot to me :)
1914115
I agree completely :D
*Takes deep breath* I love the smell of a new "snowed in" chapter in the morning. Smells like win....what?...Yes, i know it's like 2pm. It's Sunday, gimme a break.
1914142
Dude, I totally understand... I'm addicted to this damn story.... I spent like 6 hours getting this chapter written and posted, and once it was finally done at like two in the morning did I sleep?
No.
I was curious as to where it would go next, remembered that I was the writer, and started working on the next (and last) chapter because I was curious as to how it would end XD
1914144
Good boy ^^
1914170
XD
1914117 Well I would say that you definitely earned that title, post the next chapter as soon as you can.
1914256
Will do :)
Ooooh, a comparatively long chapter
That was pretty good. I think this has been the most immersive/tense chapter yet. There are a few random typos and an extra comma or two, but I didn't make notes of them while reading, sorry.
(Edit: Oh lord, I only had one note but still wrote a goddamn book about it )
I actually don't have many notes at all. It's always nice when an artist appreciates constructive criticism, especially as much as you do, haha. I know how valuable honest feedback is as well, so I'll always try to give it to you straight. It's a critical part of improving as an artist.
Main thing that stuck out to me is when they've run off into the woods and have that brief respite.
"not after I've just fallen in love with you" - This line right here. I read another fic last night that I had a very similar 'complaint' about.
It just lacks impact. Maybe because we already know Dash had a crush on her for a long time (I looked back at Ch. 5 to make sure). I feel that it would be more effective if it referenced where AJ said "When this is all over, if I still want to give us a shot, can I?", or if she said something about how much they still have to do, you know?
"love" is a word that is often used, but it can easily fall flat. I feel like it really needs some build up to it for there to be any impact- Like you really need to feel that love between them and anticipate it. Otherwise it just feels like highschoolers saying how much they love each other after a week of dating. One thing that my professor said to me about one of my assigned pieces during a composition lesson seems applicable here: I had written a highpoint/small climax into the piece, but he said "I don't think you've really done enough to build to that high point. You've got to earn it." That's how I feel like 'love' needs to be handled. There are plenty of great ways to express it without saying 'love' or without having spoken word at all. Sometimes those are more apt because it lets you feel that love without having to spell it out (which can also build up to an 'I love you' later in the story. Like earning the high point, it's got to be anticipated).
Just a random example for what I'm talking about:
[“Please,” Rainbow’s battle not to cry was a lousy one. “Stay with me, AJ…. You can’t leave me now. You said that once this was all over, we could... You promised!”
Rainbow pressed her lips against those of the girl beneath her, but couldn’t tell if Applejack was kissing back because she returned the feeling or because Rainbow’s tongue was warm.
“You- you can’t do that to me!” her tears finally broke, burning holes through the snow as they dripped from her face. “It’s not fair!”]
I'm no writer, so it could obviously be more eloquent, but I think something like that would depict the love that's there effectively without having to say it. Hell, even if 'love' is just used differently than the original line there- In a more subtle way maybe. Well, I've written more than enough about this. It's all just my opinion anyhow. It might be perfectly fine as it is and just be me
I really like these lines: "You'll regret that". "I don't think I will".
"cut open a bear with his bare hands" I don't know why I found this as funny as I did.
Take it easy and have a nice day~
Should be an opening quote mark before I'll.
This sentence as is, is slightly painful to read and could use a rewrite. Or just slap an it before caused and call it a day, I'm not picky.
Should be could.
And yes, we need more humanized romance! With RariLight! Or FlutterPie! Or more AppleDash! Or all three!
1914875
Thank you again very kindly for the kind critique!! I'm about to run off to work, so I can't say too much as I lack the time, but I gotta say I think what you said is dead on! I know for a lot of my critiques that I receive I am waiting for the big edit of the story to incorporate them, but I think I'm going to fix that scene right when I get home tonight! Very insightful advice, and much appreciated!
1915714
Thank you for pointing all of those out to me :D I'm always amazed by how much I miss... and yes, I agree!
This update made my day...You have no idea!
1916260
Glad to hear it :D And just so ya know, the final chapter will be up within 8ish hours!
1916303
Yes! SCORE!!
oh... you better finish this.... im gonna freak if this isnt finished soon. im going crazy!!!
Screw you and your friggin' cliffhanging trolling! I almost thought you were going to end it there!
1913970
So... we meet again//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Derpy_dealwithit.png
Congratulations, this is the first fanfiction ever that made me legitimately scared for a main character. Spelling errors, and missed quotation marks aside, this is literally the only humanized fanfic I have actually liked. You... I like you
But, like my friend 1914043 said, the romance department, and Montgomery's backstory needed some serious work.
In any case, I very much liked it.
I
WANT
MOAR
1919479
Like I said its kinda creepy
1919546
You better get used to it, I'm going to check the comments of every story I read from now on. Every. Single. Story
And you should know by now I read a metric shit-ton of stories every night
Let the games begin!
1919556
So you're saying this is going to be us?
[youtube=P7VgNQbZdaw]
1919576
The only thing I saw in that video was a missing apostrophe on the "DONT WALK" sign
*re-watches video*
Yep
1919595
Yeah but did you read?
1916856
I'm working on the last chapter :)
1919482
Wow, well, thank you very kindly! Thank you so much for the kind words, and I'm really glad that you like the story so much! I hope you continue to follow my works, and I can't wait to see whatchia think of the final chapter!
PSH! It better not be the end! I nearly yelled "WHAT?!" until I read the author's notes Clever, clever... Can't wait for the next chapter~!
Her opponent, who momenta ago seemed angry... I think you meant "...who a moment ago..."
1923328
Haha, yeah, I was quite happy that I thought to write 'The End' at the end of that chapter XD
1924767 You're such a tease Also, are you still going to correct that misspelling?
Why you no update super speedy?!
1926956
Soon XD I promise! also, I love your avatar :)
1926186
Thanks ;) and indeed I am!
Good! That's all I ask Haha why thank you!
1927137
No problemo :D I'm working on the chapter now but it is turning out to be a lot longer than planned XD
1927595
Haha well in that case I absolutely can't complain
1927610
Woot! It's done!
1927916 But the thing says "Incomplete"
What. The. Tartarus.
Damn. I was really hoping Pinkamena would be the one shooting.
Man...
This is literally one of the BEST Appledash fanfics i've everrrrr read!!!!