Pinkie Pie screws up Rock-A-Doodle!

by Sense of Humor

Bippity

It was a dark and stormy night, for all intents and purposes. To go into the details of it just to set up a scene would probably just be a waste of words in this already insane little one-shot. Anyone can imagine a fairly large thunderstorm in Ponyville, above the heads of all its equestrian citizens. The world had been turned to black and grey by the lack of light to create color, but one little light was on at the top of a notable bakery. Needless to say, the sole employee of sugar cube corner was wide awake in her room.

"No. Not that one. Not that one either! Still not it! No!"

Pinkie Pie, the adorably insane pink mare of Ponyville was rummaging through a giant crate of books. To more accurately describe what she was doing would be to say: Pinkie Pie's top half was swimming in a giant pool of books while her brightly colored bottom was pointed up to the ceiling. With a suspicious snort, she shot up from the book crate and rubbed her chin.

"Hmm. It feels like someone is narrating about my flank in a mildly creepy way..." She shrugged it off. "Oh well. That's nothing compared to the problem I have on my hooves right now!"

Gummy, her probably illegally owned pet alligator, blinked slowly. In response, the pony shot an unamused look at him. "I literally just talked about this a few seconds ago! How can you not know what I'm talking about?!"

Gummy made a strange sound--a cross between a gentle violin and a vulture hacking up a furball.

"The BOOK, you silly goose! The one I borrowed from Twilight! It was about roosters or something! It's the perfect thing to read tonight and--" In the process of rubbing her aching head, she felt something rectangular in her poofy hair. Pinkie pulled out the last thing she was expecting to see tucked away into her rosy locks. "Oh. This is where I put the book? Silly me!"

Like a gorilla choking on golf balls, Gummy chirped at her. Pinkie stuck out her tongue at him childishly. "You're probably the one who put it there, ya big noodle." She held up the book for him to see the cover, literally grinning from ear to ear. "Check it out! Rock-A-Doodle! Twilight said that this book would be perfect for me, so it must be really good."

Scooping up the Everglades denizen with a hoof, she hopped in beneath the blankets of her bed and got herself cozy. Her mane opened the book for her to reveal the first page to the giddy horse. "I hope its got action and adventure and explosions and drama and romance and Henry Cavill! Mmmm~, Henry Cavill...!"

When Gummy attempted to crawl out of her strangling grip, she slapped herself with her free hoof. "Yeah! Sorry! You're right! No distractions...Let's read this. Long before you were born, the sun came up!" Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Well, duh!"

She continued. "Now, I know an everyday sunrise may not seem like such a big deal to some folks. But, imagine for a moment: If instead of rising up...One morning where you lived, she took a look around and decided to go back to sleep?"

Pinkie scoffed and muttered something about Celestia, before getting right back into the story--which presented a picture of a very proud looking rooster. "It happened once to us! This was our rooster, Chanticleer. And though it was true that he liked to horse around some; the fact was that boy could sing! We all had our jobs on the farm, and Chanticleer's was to wake up the sun. And when he crowed, up she came."

When Gummy took a nice long lick at his eyeball, his owner nodded eagerly. "Teeheehee! It does sound like a chicken-Celestia! A Chicklestia, if you will."

Her hair flipped the page automatically. It seemed like the rooster was surrounded by a mob of farm animals, all staring up at him in a stupefied stupor. "He maybe wasn't the smartest bird that ever lived, but when he crowed, there was plenty of peace and harmony...well, plenty of harmonies, anyway--and lot's of sunshine! There was no doubt about it. Old Chanticleer kept us animals up and shining!"

The next page opened with a darker, nighttime setting. Pinkie frowned as she noticed a much darker looking rooster and Chanticleer squaring off. "But all that was about to change. One morning, before Chanticleer was even awake, A really mean meanie-pants snuck onto our farm to stop Chanticleer from crowing! Of course, Chanticleer wouldn't give up without a fight--But what he didn't know was that this stranger had been sent by the Grand Duke of Owls! Nasty fella."

She shared an uncertain cough with Gummy. "I dunno. Maybe he picks his nose and eats it. There's a lot of reasons ponies call you nasty."

She resumed intensely as the next displayed an image of Chanticleer staring at the horizon, shocked by the sight of a rising sun. " The good news here was that Chanticleer had won the fight. The bad news was the Grand Duke's bully had done his dirty deed, for, in all the commotion, Chanticleer had plum forgot to crow. And the sun was comin' up without him! When Chanticleer saw this...it broke his heart. He reckoned...maybe his crow never did raise the sun. " The salmon narrator paused to hug the book tearfully. "Poor Elvis Presley Rooster! "

The following page pictured a disgraced rooster walking away from scornful animals. "The Grand Duke's evil plan had worked. He had turned us against our very best friend. And without a reason to crow, poor Chanticleer left the farm to look for work in the...Cartoon Network city, with Samurai Jack, Powerpuff Girls, and all the other big shot names."

"...Then came the rain, and our troubles ...with the Duke." Pinkie Pie snorted at the image of the roly-poly owl, her hoof poking him right in his smug looking face. She flipped the page and gasped at seeing nothing more. "Whaaaaat?! This can't be the end of the book!"

And yet it was. She scanned over the book every way that she could possibly think of and found nothing more after the image of the villainous owl. There wasn't even an ambiguous end credits scene to tease the next book!

Gummy nuzzled the pony as she slumped and whimpered to herself. "Oh no! This is worse than Infinity War! Well...maybe not worse, but really close to it! Poor Chanticleer."

Pinkie was far too engrossed in figuring out why her voice sounded so loud and echoic on that last part to notice the tree until it was crashing right through her window. She scooted back against the headrest of her bed and blinked with wide-eyes at the damage to her room.

“I...I don’t get it! There isn’t a single tree within miles of Sugarcube Corner!”

Her befuddled musings were once again interrupted, this time by the looming silhouette of a giant figure beyond the hole in the wall. The tree creaked as the heavy set figure walked forward on the thick trunk. The Element of Laughter inhaled the most air she’d ever inhaled in her life and grinned tearfully. “SANDY CLAWS! I knew you were real!”

“...No. It's not Santa Claus.”

The figure stepped out from the smoking haze, revealing an impossibly sized owl in a vampire cape. Like, the dude must have been about a pony taller than Discord, and maybe fifty ponies rounder than him too. His chubby face was wrinkled with age and contained anger, while a cracked monocle sat before his right eye. Both beady eyes were glaring down at her.

“Wait, you’re NOT Tim Allen?! Gummy, he’s not Tim Allen!” Huffing in disappointment, Pinkie Pie crossed her arms and pouted. “Who are you, Mr.Not-Tim-Allen?!”

Ignoring her unbelievably strange rambling, the old bird of prey pointed a feathery finger at her snout. “You...put your hoof in the Duke's face, remember?” He tossed his monocle at her hooves, where they broke into little pieces. “These are expensive, little brat!”

Pinkie calmly pulled a broom out of her hair, much to his surprise. She swept the glass remains into a dustpan and Gummy dutifully carried the dustpan off. “Well, they looked pretty old to me. Maybe you should have sold them for a treadmill or something.”

The owl gave an offended snort. “Wha--?! A treadmill--?!”

“Yeah, or maybe some dumbbells. Nah, scratch that. A chin-up bar would get rid of all the fat for ya.”

“Insolent, trash-talking...thing! I am not fat, you utterly miserable Equine! I am big boned! Why back in my day, I could lift a quarter ton with no--Hey!” He shooed her away as she poked his stomach. “Stop that! Stop that, I say!”

“Your belly’s full of jelly!” The pony giggled like a little girl and poked her own furry midriff. “It’s okay! Jelly is yummy and comes in all these wonderful flavors! There’s Banana, Orange, Strawberry, Kiwi, Apple, watermelon, Pizza, Taco, Alfredo and Jalapeno Red Velvet Jello!”

The Duke gagged a little, turning more green with each passing flavor. “That sounds ridiculously, preposterously, horrifically disgusting.”

“Well, I think you’re ridiculously, preposterously, horrifically AND stupendously mean. And all because of a broken magnifying glass! Hmmph! Ever heard of a pawn shop?”

“IT IS A MONOCLE YOU--” The mammoth-bellied owl breathed to calm himself, drawing his cape around him to arouse a dramatic flair. “My monocle...is not why I’m going to eat you, my little pony.”

Pinkie shrank back, staring with wide orbs of blue. “Eat me?”

“Oh, did I say that too soon--Oh! I’m sorry, I’ve gone and spoiled the surprise! Always doing that,” Seeing an opportunity to drive fear into his newest entree, The Grand Duke began his traditional yet unnecessarily long monologue, staring off with a villainous grin. “You see, we creatures of the night have worked very hard to make absolutely sure that...that bird does not return! The task was very harrowing, with backbreaking procedures and tedious little habits that have worked to keep him away!”

He sneered at her. “And you, you, with no regard for the feelings of others,have the nerve to call him back here by name!”

“Aaaww, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Mr.Fat Owl.” Pinkie crawled forward and gave his giant belly a hug, staring with puppy dog eyes for the desired effect. “Even though I zoned out of everything you just said. What was that last part again? I called Michael Bay?”

“His name.” The bird pinched the bridge of his beak. Why hadn't he become a doctor, like Mother wanted? “You called for Chanticleer, right?”

The pony scratched her head in confusion. “Nope. All I said was: Poor Chanticleer. I mean…” She leaned way, way out to the side to look around his legs. “Did he hear me or something? Is he here?”

“No, but hearing you is not the point--”

“It’s not?! You mean to tell me that I'm going to be eaten simply because I said the name of a fictional rooster who didn't even hear me?!”

“Well...granted, he couldn’t have possibly heard you and he probably...Wait! You think this is all fiction?!”

“Yep! What are the chances of a talking pony and a talking owl talking about a talking rooster, am I right?”

“...Girl, are you really that insane?”

“Why yes! Yes, sir, I am! Thank you!”

“Well, as long as you know, I suppose.” After a long moment of awkward silence, the Duke reached down and picked her up by the scruff of her neck. “Right then! I suppose I’m going to eat you now.”

“Oh, you were serious? Okay, if you insist.” Pinkie asked, sounded more confused than scared of her slow descent into his open beak. “I’d be careful. I didn't let my friends know I’d be getting eaten tonight, so they’re probably gonna try to kill you after this. Especially my one friend Rainbow Dash, who totally…”

“Likely story.” The Duke said above her ranting. He lowered her slowly into his open jaw…

...only for her to shove a giant cork in his beak. The Duke gave a muffled shout of surprise, and instantly dropped the pony to try and pry the cork out. Distantly, he could hear Pinkie Pie talking. “Did anypony ever tell you that you have really bad breath? It reminds me of this one time back when I was still an itty bitty filly on a rock farm, and my sister Limestone swallowed a really bad onion and she…”

The villainous owl tuned her out and finally removed the cork from his mouth. Just as he’d inhaled to give her a hearty scolding, something chomped down on his left leg with a mouthful of teeth. The owl hopped around on one leg in complete agony, pulling and yanking on the dog that was suddenly attached to his leg.

“No, Mr.Fat Owl, you have to spray it with water to get it off!” Pinkie Pie declared, before looming up in thought. “Then again, there was that one time where…”

The Duke finally yanked the dog off his leg and wrapped his feathery hands around his neck. His grip tightened as he instantly recognized the pants clad canine. “Patou! You'll pay for that, Mutt! This does not concern you!”

“It does if its about Chant--”

The dog couldn't say more with the grip getting tighter. The Duke chuckled nefariously until a tiny, familiar sound got his attention. He sighed and glanced down at the rambling pony, who was casually leaning back against her bed. He strangled the mutt with one hand and placed the other hand on his hip. “Do you even care what’s going on right now?”

“Nnnno, Not really! Maybe I’ll care when I finish up this story.” The mare suddenly whipped out a flashlight from her mane, aiming straight at the tall bird of prey. “So anyway, The Crimson Dagger was backed up against the wall, and his only hope was the lightsaber! So he flicked it on and--”

The Duke of Owls shrieked like a little chipmunk as the beam of light blasted him right out of the hole he’d made in her room. The only sounds left were the rain, angry flapping in the distance and the coughing of the dog. Oh...and Pinkie Pie finishing. “Then the mean squid monster went poof and everyone lived happily ever after, The End!”

She noticed the dog struggling for breath and held out a hoof. “Hi, talking dog! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Ugh...We were this close. Oh, that flashlight biz was quick thinkin' on your part.” Patou sighed tiredly and leaned back. “He's gone...but he'll be back, and he won't be alone...the coward.I woulda whopped him if I'd had my shoes tied. But you know something: tying shoes is harder than dry dog food."

Pinkie took a look at his old, worn footwear and instantly rushed to her closet. In a flash of pink, she had his shoes off and had replaced them with brand new sandals. “There! That should be much better!”

“Huh. I...guess so. Never worn these before. Hope they help with bunions.” An indescribable squeak got his attention from the hole in the wall. “Yeah, you can come on in, Peepers.”

“We--we can’t stay here for too long, Patou! By my calculations, this can't possibly be the City. Let's see… 367 southeast...or is it 676--” A tiny mouse in a dress and large glasses waltzed without looking up from her notes, which caused her to run smack dab into Gummy’s snout. “Eek! An alligator!”

Pinkie waved her off with a scoff. “Silly Twilight ripoff! Gummy’s a toothless gator! He couldn’t bite a butterfly.” She giggled stupidly. “Well, I mean--obviously he could bite a butterfly, but he couldn't bite anything mouse sized. Now a shrew is a different story entirely, because baby gators are known for--”

“Wowie, wow, wow, wow, wow! Are we close? Are we near the City?” The equestrian horse gasped in surprise when a large bundle of farm animals suddenly poured into her severely damaged room, with a zany looking Magpie leading the charge. “ Us magpies are just made for the city! Come on already--hurry up, Peepers!”

Peepers fixed him with an unhappy stare. “We are not looking for the City! We are looking for Chanticleer!”

The party pony bounced onto the tree, looking up and down its length. Trees don’t normal appear where they don’t normally live,so this had to be the work of magic. She glanced over the animals in deep thought.

“Well, he’s in the city, isn't he?” She watched the Magpie snap.“Girls; they think they know everything! Why don't you run home-- be a mousewife--make cheese."

"Snipes, you think you're so superior!"

"Thuperior. Nice lisp."

"My lisp isolates and elevates me and makes me a rare specimen."

"Ah, this is flippin' garbage!"

Pinkie marched back into the room after actually trotting down the tree and looking around. “Okay, is it just me, or did all of this just happen without waking anypony up? Like, not a single light is on outside!”

“My point exactly!” The Magpie sneered. “We gotta get outta this dead joint! The city is where its at!”

Pinkie shook her head. “Silly Daffy Duck rip-off! Penywise is in Derry, not the city!”

“What..?”

Patou sighed and spoke up. “Okay, we gotta focus! We all done wrong, and that's why we're searchin' for the City. We gotta find Chanti and apologize."

"Then he'll forgive us! Come home! And raise the sun!” A trio of chicks cooed aloud.

“...Okay,” Pinkie agreed reluctantly. “I have a feeling we’re all going to ignore that one time it rose without him.”

“What time?”

“It literally says in the book that it rose up without him. Why’d it do it then, and not now?”

When all the animals shrugged at her, she shrugged right back. “Okay. I can live with that answer.” Like an army general, she marched back and forth alongside them. “Alright, fellow barn animals! The time of kicking back and relaxing is past! Your Elvis-Presley-Princess-Celestia-Rooster has vanished! And I shall lead half of you to retrieve him no matter the cost! I will be frank: some of you may not survive.”

Everyone exchanged glances when she suddenly burst into laughter. “I’m just kidding! Everyone is gonna live through this! You three who actually have names, come with me!” She started to lead Patou, Snipes and Peepers down the tree trunk. “ The rest will follow Gummy’s command while I’m gone. Any questions?”

A pig raised his hand sheepishly. “What if the owls come back? We have no lights to protect us!”

Pinkie gave him an impish smirk over her shoulder. “Oh, I have specific light who’s on her way over right now! I paused time and sent her a text message! Give her a few minutes!”

“Ah, geez!” Snipes exclaimed when they got to the base of the trunk. Water flooded through most of the town, sloshing like black ink under the torrential downpour. “We’re not going anywhere in this!”

“Nope! But we are going anywhere in this!”

The trio of animals watched with shock as she vomited a raft, which instantly inflated to a decent size and swayed steadily on the choppy waters. “All aboard the Pinkie Pie Express! If we hit an iceberg, exits are on the left.”

“She is one strange pony,” Peepers whispered to Patou, but boarded nonetheless.

Patou climbed on next, hoping his new sandals didn't get wet. “I’ve decided not to question it, for my own sake.”

Comments

[Blank Paper]

The tree creaked as the heavy set figure walked forward on the thick trunk. The Element of Laughter inhaled the most air she’d ever inhaled in her life and grinned tearfully. “SANDY CLAWS! I knew you were real!”

That got a giggle out of me.

“

My point exactly!” The Magpie sneered. “We gotta get outta this dead joint! The city is where its at!”

Pinkie shook her head. “Silly Daffy Duck rip-off! Penywise is in Derry, not the city!”

“What..?”

That was also hilarious.