Princess Celestia doesn't care about the friendship reports anymore

by pasieka17

You don't want to get on Applejack's bad side. No, you don't.

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Dear Princess Luna

Spike is well again and I’m happy to announce that I managed to modify the transportation enchantment. Now the sent items, such as letters or packages will no longer materialize in his stomach, but in the higher parts of his gastrointestinal tract. I call the new enchantement “the deep throat”, although Spike insists on changing that naming. Anyway, feel free to deepthroat us (you see? It’s neat!) anytime you like.

We had a rather long quarrel with Pinkie Pie; well, technically it wasn’t a quarrel since everything she said was a variation of smiles, laughter and “Okie-Dokie-Lokie”. I think that Pinkie Pie has a problem with understanding the idea of anger.
We convinced Pinkie Pie, that she should not send you a thousand gifts in the upcoming thousand days, but rather store them somewhere, and send them to you in two big bulks, five hundred each. This, perhaps, will give us time to put the idea out of her mind completely. If we are not successful though, be sure you have a big garage or a warehouse near the palace (or at least have your ponies build one in the upcoming year and a half).
For the time being, we will store Pinkie’s gifts in her garage, and if it won’t suffice, we will try Fluttershy’s shed. Just don’t tell her about it, she’s kind of reluctant to even allow anypony enter it. But I know that she’ll understand.

I must remind you, that our research on Cutie Marks is far from finished. As you certainly remember, you got just one legitimate report (from me and Rarity), and two half-baked toung-in-cheek pieces from Rainbow (although it is still an astounding amount of work coming from such a... slacker) . At least two reports are in the works, the general report on Unicorn Marks (again, by Rarity and me), and a report on Earth Ponies’ Cutie Marks (Applejack’s task).
Fluttershy will handle the curious Pegasus cases, and after her report we will update our schedule.

As Applejack did her research a while ago, and was quite upset that she did it for nothing, I render it urgent for you to contact her. Applejack is a hardworking pony, and when she heard that she spent all day analysing flanks, and nopony will look at her report for quite a while, she spent a whole evening in her barn, bucking her bucking bag. Well, maybe it’s just her everyday’s workout, but I doubt it - Applejack doesn’t like wasting her energy.

I’m sending Spike to Sweet Apple Acres - I don’t have the nerve to invite Applejack here, to Ponyville as she is nowadays quite busy working in her orchard.

Deepthroat me soon
Twilight Sparkle

PS. Please, be nice and quick with Applejack.

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Dear Twilight

I’m happy to hear about Spike being well again. I think, that the name you came up for the enchantement fits perfectly. I’ll send a nice note back to Applejack, when I get her report on Cutie Marks. I understand, why she can be nervous about it and I’ll try to calm her down if necessary.

Always happy to hear from you
Princess Luna

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Princess Luna

The name sucks big time, and I’d be glad if you didn’t use it, like ever. I’m on my way to Apple Acres already, so Twilight won’t see that you support her craziness and social awkwardness. It’s enough for me, that she had called ME that name once.

Spike

PS. Don’t send any paintings.

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Your Nocturnal Majesty,
Princess Luna

It is a great honor and privilege, that a Mare of Thine status and ancestry delights Her humble subjects with Her invaluable time.

Hereby, I present Thee the work of utmost importance - the report on the Equine Symbols known colloquially as Cutie Marks, regarding Thine most numerous servants - the Earth Ponies.

We, the Earth Ponies, are creatures of hard labor, perseverance and devotion to the cause, and it should come to no surprise that the Equine Symbols we bear with grand pride reflect those treats.

A noticeable number of our kind is bound with edibles production, and I include my humble persona in this category. It does not equal being limited by any means however; I am more than certain that my beloved little sister Apple Bloom will follow any path she desires, even if it means leaving Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight Sparkle informed me that it is not unlikely that Apple Bloom will pursue her future in art - and I already spoke with my friend Octavia to keep a watchful eye on her.

The other common motif among the Earth Ponies are tools of wide variety, however they were more spread in the early days of Ponyville, during the times of early settlements. I believe, that the Equine Symbols adjust themselves to our community’s current needs - which would partially justify the widly spread weather-related motifs among the Pegasus kind.

Your humble servant

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Dear Applejack

I really appreciate your report on Cutie Marks, and methinks, there's more to explore in that area. I also thoroughly enjoyed the Canterlotian style of your letter; I certainly didn't expect to see it.

I'd like to take an advantage of the moment, and apologize you for having to wait that much time for your work to become relevant.

Thank you again, and I'm eagerly awaiting your future reports.

Princess of the Night
Luna

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Dear Princess

What exactly did you have in mind, when you wrote "I certainly didn't expect to see it" ?

Applejack

DONT GO THERE, JUST LET IT GO - Spike

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Dear Applejack

What I was trying to say, is that seeing your report written with such eloquence and in such an excellent manner, was something I didn't expect. It's been ages since I read a letter like this, not even mentioning your muzzlewriting worthy of the Canterlot's nobles. Seeing that such elegant skills still persist in this land pleases my mind and heart, and coming from Sweet Apple Acres it means even more. Who would have thought, that behind the crudely crafted hat and lovely, thick southern accent, a true gem lies.

Your friend
Princess Luna

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Princess

Okay, I've had enough of this. You'd better keep your royal muzzle shut, or I'll shut it myself. Well, what do you think? Does it sound peasant enough? Oh, wait, maybe I should write IN ACCENT. Well, what'ya think o'that? Is mah writin' meetin' yer expah'tations now? Well, maybe I'm to harsh. Actually, I should be thankful that you even considered myself literate! Really, you're way too kind.

Applejack

PS. If I were you, I wouldn't count on hearing from me for some time.

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Dear Applejack

I really didn't mean to offend you. I consider you being my friend and, as I mentioned earlier, a true gem. However, as a Princess, I can't let my subjects threaten me. I find it sad, that a mare capable of such exquisite writing lacks discipline.

With no hard feelings
Princess Luna

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Warned ya.

AJ

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Oh boy

I don't even where to start, this is so rich.
So I was napping on a cloud near the orchard when I overheard Applejack speaking to herself. And when I say "speak" I mean a giant litany of curses. I mean, I've seen some shit in my life. I've been to places where a one-eyed mule calls you a whore and spits in your face, and you thank him for being such a gentlecolt. But enough talking about Rarity's neighborhood. What I'm trying to say, is that I never suspected that I could be scared with threats directed at somepony else. Well, maybe a direct quote would be in place here, just to give ya the outline of the situation.

"This *********** ***t, I'll break this fu******** di******s legs and spine, I'll rip the ******** off ****** her wings and feed them to her, she'll eat her *********** wings that ****** ************ while I'll screw her with her own horn". Well, there were also some really harsh words, which a self-respecting lady such as myself would never even try to say.

So, when I finally had the guts to get off that cloud, I noticed our lil' pal Spike chasing Applejack, so I stopped him, and he told me everything.

So, apparently, you messed with the wrong mofo. AJ may not look like a short fused type, but if there's one goddamn thing in Equestria she hates, it's stereotypes. Did you know that she went to college in Manehattan? Bachelor's degree in economics? Nah, didn't think so. But I guess it only takes a hat, rodeo hobby and an accent for you to pigeonhole somepony. Way to go, princess, way to go. I still think that it was the "lack of discipline" part that crossed the freaking line.

And honestly, you should really take some classes in Equestrian economics. You called Applejack a "gem" twice. You know, how AJ calls gems? Hard potatoes. They're pretty much worthless here, you know. Applejack dislikes gems, they just make the plowing a pain. Geez, I knew that your current affairs awareness was a little rusty, but you really outdid yourself with this one.

Anyway, with Applejack on her way to Canterlot, I'd be pretty wet down there right now, even if I was over 25 (if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge) . Applejack is the Honesty, so I'm sure she meant every word. Ha. Your funeral.

Rainbow Dash, we're done here.

PS. But seriously dude, warn your guards, or at least buy a dog. I'm going to a PAAARTEEE with Pinkie Pie, so I'm not anwering any letters.

PS 2. Probably, we'll both be out for a day or two, just for different reasons. Again, sucks to be thee. Booya!

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Dear Princess Luna

I finally have a chance to write to you, as Spike came here, saying that he is "too old for these leavings", but he didn't say 'leavings'. He used a less nice synonym. I strongly doubt his statement. After all, he is just a baby dragon.
Well, I gave him some oatmeal. I think he needs magnesium to calm his nerves.
Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to write to you about the Cutie Marks, because the girls asked me to do some... research. Today I finally managed to speak to some pegasi with unusual Cutie Marks. Well, maybe I wasn't using much words while talking to them, Okay, I wasn't talking, I was just looking at the ponies I met with. Uh, maybe I did not actually meet with anypony, I just observed them with my binoculars. And maybe I saw more than I wanted to. So you know, if it is not an inconvinience, just write me back. But you don't have to.

I'm sorry
Fluttershy

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Dear Fluttershy

Now is really not the time. Your friend Applejack is right here, in Canterlot, and I believe she want's to duel me. Seriously, I could really use a hoof right now. She just stands there under the palace and calls me to "mare up and face her". The hell I will.

Seriously worried
Princess Luna

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Yo Luna

Well Flutsie flew up here to our little rave here in Cloudsdale and she told us you have some conflict with AJ. Geez dude, just chill out. What's the worst that can happen, she'll just yell a bit and leave you. But don't leave your house, she's probably had drunk some cider while being on the train, and she can mess you up pretty badly. If you can understand what she says to you - that's good, because it means she probably doesn't have a broken bottle with her. Anyway I think you should totally come here. That blue stuff Pinkie brought with her is the bomb. Anyway I

Hi there Princess!

Well, Dashie fell asleep when she was writing the letter to you so I thought I can finish it. Currently, we're painting Rainbow's mane black, one time we painted it white, but then it turned out that it is really easy to recolor something white, so we are not making the same mistake twice.

Your lucky that our mailmare is at the party, I'm sending her and the rubber snakes right now.

XOXO
Pinkie Pie

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Dear Princess Celestia

Yesterday I learned amazing things about friendship. For example, I learned that friendship is an ongoing journey, often leading us to mysterious places, such as backalleys in Canterlot, where my friend Applejack was found last night, or the drainage ditches, where our local mailmare was found sleeping with a letter in her mouth, and a few rubber snakes in her saddlebag. Don't ask.

Friendship is all about communication. Without it, there's place only for unfortunate misunderstandings where insurance companies and health care plans are involved.

I hope that your sister and our friend Luna is well, although I think that we will be contacting your niece, Princess Cadance, for the upcoming week, until the Luna situation becomes less awkward. Please, teach her the transportation spell if she doesn't know it yet. I'm sure that her insight on the Friendship's close relative, Love, will add to our overall research. We all are about to enter a stage in everypony's life, when certain questions arise. It was Fluttershy's suggestion, by the way.

Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle

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To be continued.

Comments

[UnweptSchlipps]

Aww yeah, Princess Cadance is getting in on the action! I sure she can handle those "certain questions", right?

[TheRealRainbowDash]

This just gets better and better! Seriously, though, I loved AJ's letter. Can someone please invent a way for me to favorite this over and over again?

All of my likes!

[Seether00]

Luna should have said, 'Hey AJ I didn't mean to get on your bad side, I meant to get on your back side!'

YEAHHHHH!!!

[butboifranko]

Shed.Mov reference, awesome!

Love Fluttershy's letter, "Oatmeal, are you crazy?" and, I guess you do see more then you want when you use binoculars. Also, this chapter taught me something, don't mess with Applejack.

[MrWhatnow]

...i dont even...

[Valikdu]

Hey hey hey, stay out of her shed!