Princess Celestia doesn't care about the friendship reports anymore

by pasieka17

And now I want to study something completely different.

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Dear Princess Celestia

It’s been two years since I was delegated to Ponyville to study the Magic of Friendship and I’m slowly coming to conclusion, that there’s not much more for me or my friends to learn on the subject. To be honest, our latest friendship reports were written in an assembly with my friends because nopony on her own learned enough to write a letter all by herself. We pulled straws to determine who writes this letter after Applejack learned that the story in the last letter we sent you was all a lie. I pulled the short one. So, just to clear the air, there was NO incident involving the Everfree’s timber wolves assaulting bunnies (Fluttershy’s idea), and we did NOT give them pretty gems and dresses (Rarity’s idea) and they did NOT settle their differences while watching me doing magic tricks and Rainbow Dash doing aerial stunts (Rainbow’s idea). The only true thing about the story was the party (Pinkie’s idea), where we drank a little bit too much hard apple cider (Applejack’s idea) and after that we wrote the letter (shamefully, my idea).
I sincerely apologize for our behavior and I promise it won’t happen again. With that in mind, I think we can count on your indulgence, as not holding grudges is certainly a lesson in friendship we all want to learn.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

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My Dear Student

I thank you for your last report on your research about the Magic of Friendship. Indeed, it was a valuable lesson to learn, and I shall include that report in the archives. I’m waiting for your next report with great eagerness.

Your Friend and Ruler
Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia

We were all extremely relieved to get your last letter. Knowing that you forgive our moments of weakness warmed our hearts and we love you even more.
That being said, I noticed that you didn’t make any statement about my concerns regarding our research. We all agree here that our work on the Magic of Friendship can be wrapped up, with occasional reports sent to you if we learn anything more anytime in the future.
As your student, I don’t want to return to Canterlot though, as I’m quite rooted here just as the library I live in. I believe, that there are numerous areas of study where we, the Elements of Harmony, can be of assistance to explore.
If I may, I’d like to suggest an area of knowledge that we are particularilly interested in researching. We mean the Cutie Marks. Through the last couple of years, we developed some doubts about the exact meanings of the marks present on one’s flank. Why some ponies, like my friends’ sisters don’t get their cutie marks despite excelling in some activities such as singing or comedy? Why some cutie marks are basically just a reflection of a pony’s name (to be specific, I’m talking about a filly known as Silver Spoon. Did her parents somehow know what will be her talent, and name her appropriately? What is her talent anyway?) ? Why some of them have nothing to do with one’s job or occupation, and seem so random?
I think there are many questions to answer here, and we would be glad if you assigned us to this project.

Your thankful friend and protégée
Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Twilight

Thank you for your latest report on the Magic of Friendship. I’m happily surprised, that your reports appear at increased frequency in the last few days. I’m sure that your’s and your companions’ contribution to pony science is invaluable, and adds further to your legend.
It is vital to all Equestria that you continue your studies on the matter.

Your loving teacher
Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia

Did you even read the last letter? If so, please, check again if you didn’t make a mistake. I’m pretty sure the last thing I sent you was NOT a friendship report. Please, assure yourself if you did not accidentally respond to an older letter. If not, I attach a soup recipe with the letter, by my friend Fluttershy. She says it has a lot of zinc in it.

Your worried student
Twilight Sparkle

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My Dearest Student

The rate you are sending me your friendship reports lately exceeds my wildest expectations. Now I’m sure that I didn’t make a slightest mistake by choosing you as my personal protégée. The Equestrians will likely laud you and your friends in many songs, and will never forget your names - you have my word on that.
However, I think that your friendship reports are at their best when you give them a little more time and thought. I won’t mind if the letters are lengthy; they are never too long for me, as I pay equal attention to every word you write. I’d appreciate it, if you send me letters once in a week, even if it means sending a few of them at once.

Your Princess
Celestia

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“Are you sure you want to send it, Rainbow Dash?”
“Of course I’m sure. Now blow, Spike!”

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Hi Celly

Rainbow Dash here. I’m writing to tell you, that you are a complete disaster, speaking of ruling Equestria and stuff. Folks say that I may not be a sharpest tool in the shed (screw them by the way), but it doesn’t take a masters degree to notice how incompetent you are. I mean, I expected you to literally destroy that black pony-insect. She didn’t even have fully developed legs, as I recall it, so it means, that you lost to a handicapped, right?
I guess we, as the bearers of the Elements, are destined to do the dirty job for you for the rest of our lives. Well, better this than letting you do it, I say. Just don’t be surprised if we get bored one day and shoot that rainbow laser cannon at your flank.

Anyway, I’m not writing just to bitch about you being unable or too lazy to get rid of a sleeping dragon. I wanted to share my thoughts about my friends as well. Fluttershy, to be specific. I mean, she practically never leaves her shack in the woods, other than to go to the market or hang out with Rarity to slap some mud and vegetables on her face. As if she didn’t have enough mud out there, in the forest. But I’ll cut to the chase. I think that Shy can have a problem with bestiality. What do you think?

Thanks Princess, I’m glad that I finally got it out of my system. You still have a cool mane though.

Rainbow Manes For The Win
Rainbow Dash

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Dear Princess Celestia

Unfortunately, we came to a conclusion, that for quite a while you haven’t been reading the reports we sent you. I carefully analysed your responses to the letters and for last six months or so, they are all practically the same. That one day, when Applejack wrote that she didn’t learn anything, you still thanked her for her `valuable insight`.
I understand that you can be busy ruling Equestria, but I think it is not too much to ask you to at least glance through all the letters you didn’t read, and at least somehow prove that you read them.

Your apparently ignored student
Twilight Sparkle

PS. As I can’t rely on the dragon fax anymore, I’m sending this letter via regular pegasus post, to your hooves only. Maybe this way you will actually read it, rather than throwing it in the trash.

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Hey, Sunny Flank

It’s ya fellow prismatic penfriend Dash. I don’t wanna be mean (well, maybe I do), but recently I’ve been WONDERing. See, what I did there? Right. Let’s face it, I’m the best AND the coolest looking flyer out there. I’ve been to more Wonderbolts shows than I can count on my hooves, so that means more than four. And these guys? I belong there. So, they can leave a trail of smoke and lighting. Puh-lease, I leave smoke, lightning and RAINBOWS. I’m the only one who can break the speed of sound. Right now, I can do it without any effort, like on that wedding day (Oh yes, the day when you were outclassed by Twilight’s FOALSITTER. Princess, my ass).

So, why I’m not a Wonderbolt yet? Hell, why I don’t freaking LEAD them? A mare? Nah, Spitfire is a girl (by the way, an extremely lazy one. When we did that hurricane thing, and Fluttershy saved the day, I heard that our little Spitfire just STOOD STILL. Talking about giving a hoof!)
Questioning my loyalty? Nah, I guess not. Although I would move my ass if I was standing in Spitfire’s horseshoes that day. So, maybe it is my age? No, I don’t blame you. If I was such an old fart, probably devouring fillies’ souls to keep my ass delicious, I’d be a little prejudiced too.

Anyway, I was thinking about getting a theme song for my future shows. Right now it’s a work in progress, and it goes like this:

Duh-duh Duh-duh-duh-DASH-DASH! Duh-duh-dun-DASH-DASH-DAAAASH!

Yeah, I know it sucks when you read it. When I read it, I imagine trumpets playing, and it’s freaking rad.

Keep it real
RD

PS. Joking about Fluttershy in the last letter. She’s cool.

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"WHAT???" Rainbow's jaw dropped to the ground.

"Just as I said, " Twilight explained. "I sent a letter different way. There's better chance she will read it, and at least take a look at the few last ones. For crying out loud, I think we earned ourselves some respect."

Rainbow Dash ran out of the room. "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHI-"

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Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned a valuable lesson about friendship. For example, friendship is closely related to trust. So, when I say to you, that I ventured to Everfree forest a couple of days ago, and got poisoned by some mysterious plant which, according to Zecora, may cause writing some lunatic letters to authorities, you know that I'm telling the truth. If, by any chance, you DID receive any letters by me in the last few days, please, keep in mind that they weren't written really by me. If I was in your place, I'd burn them without reading.

Your loyal subject
Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty.

PS. Technically, I'm necessary to fight any evil that appears in Equestria, right?

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My Little Ponies

I read your registered letter, and after that, I went through the latest friendship reports you sent. Indeed, they were not friendship reports. Not at all.
Twilight Sparkle, if you really think, that there's not much more that you can learn about friendship, that's fine. You are still free to use the dragon fax to send the friendship reports. As for the area that caught your attention - I'm not condemning your lust for knowledge about the Cutie Marks. But I think that we should establish a second channel for communication, so the mail will be sorted properly. I guess that the pegasus mail will be fine, although the mailmare was quite exhausted this time.
Now on to you, Rainbow Dash. As the creator of Everfree Forest I know that a plant you described does not exist, so drop the act. I would admire your courage if it wasn't born out of the sense of impunity. No matter what, you should pay some respect to your superiors. Other than that, I think you raised some valid points, however I strongly doubt that Fluttershy's relations with woodland creatures cross the boundaries of good taste. You always struck me as a leader type, and an excellent flyer - you should now it from our first encounter - so I perfectly understand that you're annoyed with leading a weather team instead of the Wonderbolts.
As the Princess of the Night, I know the best how my sister's rule can be at times frustrating. I won't be showing her your critique, for I empirically know that she can be overreactive about it.
Last time I enquired my dear sister, about the pile of friendship reports lying in the corner of her chamber, she, being quite straightforward, said that she "does not give a shit". I wouldn't take it personally - she really can be very busy. But, if by any chance, you do have some critical comments on our rule, feel free to send it the regular way. I'll try to translate it to her as discretely as I can.

Your's sincerely
Princess Luna

PS. As for the Cutie Marks, I'm quite puzzled too. The mailmare that delivered the letter didn't strike me as if it was her primary talent, as she confused me with my sister. I don't think we are that similar.

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Comments

[The PatioHeater]

Overuse of commas. Other than that, I LIKE!!!!!

[pasieka17]

1010249
thanks for reminding me about the punctuation. I'm looking back at the story and "'m trying to reduce the number of redundant commas.

Be sure to check out my other stories, and let me know if you'd like to read a chapter 2, if you liked the story!

[TheRealRainbowDash]

I am intrigued with where this might be going. It was also funny. I shall to my watch and we shall see.

[The PatioHeater]

1010384 A second sounds intriguing.

[insightguy]

my small intestines are now on the opposite wall.

[Seether00]

Really funny, but I am not sure where you can take this. It feels more like a one shot. I wonder if Twilight and Celestia had text messaging whether Twilight would be constantly bothering her.

[pasieka17]

1010991

I can take this fic to other, funny places, which have no other purpose than being funny.

I had an idea for another chapter before posting this one anyway.

[butboifranko]

So much laughter, so much pain in my sides...that was just too awesome! I haven't laughed that much in a while. Great job, and I hope there will be more. If there isn't more, I will be very sad.