The Wish
“Josh, you coming?” asked a voice.
“Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on, Nick.” I responded.
“Hurry up dude! This is my first ever Brony convention, and I am NOT going to be late for it!” Nick said.
“Will you relax?? You sound like an idiot right now… sheesh you need to ease up on the ponies a little bit.” I said.
“Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re not a fan.” Nick said.
“But it’s your fault for dragging me into this…” I said. “I honestly don’t get what the big deal is about that show… and it’s scary that more guys like it than girls.”
“You think it’s scary, I think it’s awesome.” Nick said.
“Coming from the full on Brony.” I said then I looked at his hat… dear god…
“What?” Nick said.
“Please tell me you’re not going to wear that stupid thing near me.” I said.
“You mean my Rainbow mane?” Nick asked.
“Yes! The Gay pride mane!” I yelled.
“Just because guys watch the show, it doesn’t make them gay! And you know I’m not gay, I have a girlfriend!” Nick said angrily.
“Ugh… whatever… the only reason I’m going with you is because I read one of those fics.” I said.
“Really? Which one?” Nick asked.
“Rainbow Factory, ever heard of it?” I said.
“…Why choose that one of all the others?” Nick asked.
“Because they died… nuff said.” I said.
“You are sick, you know that?” Nick said.
“I’m sick? I’m not the one addicted to ponies.” I said. “I bet you freaking watch porn about it.”
“No! I don’t!” Nick objected.
“You know I can tell when you’re lying, like right now.” I said.
“I’m not lying!” Nick yelled.
“Another lie… you’re not so good at lying to me dude.” I said.
“Okay, forget it! I’m going to the convention alone!” Nick yelled.
“Go ahead! It’s just a stupid convention!” I yelled.
“It’s not stupid to me…! You know… right now I wish that Rainbow Factory fic was true and you were in it!” Nick yelled.
“You would want me to get killed…?” I asked glaring at Nick.
“Well, right now I do!” Nick yelled.
“You know what? Get the fuck out of my face! Go to your damn convention!” I snapped.
“Fine! But I am never speaking to you again!” He yelled going into his car and driving off.
Losing a friend over fuckin’ ponies… Jesus Christ, what is this world coming to…? Well, I guess I was a little bit harsh towards the guy… but come on… he’s getting worked up over ponies! That’s just plain pathetic to me. Whatever… I’m done thinking about this.
When I get back inside I decide to go on the computer; See how my normal friends are doing on Skype. But unfortunately, nobody was online. Then I decided to look up random videos on YouTube. Nothing really interesting right now, So then I thought in my mind… What makes that show so damn obsessive…? Curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to watch one of the episodes… It was the first episode of the series and after I finished it…
“That was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen…” I said to myself leaving the site.
Ok, what the fuck… How can someone actually enjoy this?? How can Nick enjoy this!? Then a thought came to me… I remembered when Nick said that he wished that the rainbow factory fic was real and that I was in it… I still can’t believe he would say something like that… good thing it was only a story. I mean come on… Pegasi killing failed ponies by turning them into rainbows? That’s a little farfetched… I looked at the time… damn, is it that late already…? Time to hit the hay. Before going to bed, I drink some milk… helps me sleep better… But while I’m in bed, I keep trying hard to get some sleep, but I can’t… I still have that wish, which Nick made, in my head… Why am I worrying so much?? It’s not like that wish would actually come true… Finally I was able to sleep. It felt like the night went by in an instant.
It was morning but… something was off… why is it still dark?
“What the heck is it…?” A voice said.
What am I…? What’s he talking about…? Wait… who the hell’s in my room??
“I don’t know, it doesn’t look like a pony…” A female voice said.
…A pony…? Why the hell would I be a pony?? I then opened my eyes and… WHAT THE HELL??? There are freakin’ Pegasi around me??
“W-Where am I?” I said.
“It talks…?” a Pegasus said.
“Of course I can talk! Now can someone tell me where I am??” I said.
“Well, you are in the Rainbow Factory. My name is Dr. Atmosphere.” He said.
Rainbow Factory… Dr. Atmosphere…
“Wait, I get it…” I said.
“Excuse me?” Dr. Atmosphere said confused.
“I’m dreaming right now… I had too many drinks and I felt guilty about yelling at my friend Nick. That’s the only possible reason…” I said.
“Well, why don’t we test that theory of yours…”Dr. Atmosphere said taking out a sharp needle.
“Watch, as soon as you stick me with that thing, I’ll wake up in my bed.” I said.
He then stuck the needle in my arm and…
“AH!” I yelled pulling the needle out.
“There, you’re not dreaming.” Dr. Atmosphere said with a chuckle.
“Why am I here?? Where’s my home!?” I yelled.
“To be honest, we’re not sure, and another thing to think about is we’re not sure what to do with you…” Atmosphere said.
“So… what? I just randomly popped up here??” I said.
“That’s all we know…” Atmosphere said.
Wait a second… What if I’m here because of Nick’s wish!? Oh man... this could be very bad… wait… maybe they won’t kill me if I pretend that I don’t know what they do here.
“M-my name’s Josh by the way…” I said hesitantly.
“Is something wrong?” Atmosphere asked.
“N-no… it’s just that… I’ve never seen a talking pony before… see, in my world, ponies can’t talk, fly or use magic…” I said.
“Your world…?” Atmosphere said in shock.
“Yeah…there are others on my world that are like me…” I said. “Others never even knew that Equestria existed, and before today, neither did I…” I said.
“Hmm… well there still lies another question… what to do with you…” Dr. Atmosphere said.
My heart just sank, I was about to try to make a break for it… but then…
“Let him stay…” A voice called out.
“Ma’am…?” Dr. Atmosphere questioned.
“I said… let him stay…” the covered Pegasus said. “I’m very interested in learning more about this guy’s world…” the Pegasus said.
She then took her mask off, and I stood in horror at what I saw… a cyan colored Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane…
“Name’s Rainbow Dash.” She said. “I pretty much run this whole place.”
“And… what do you do here…?” I asked.
“Oh, this is where the rainbows are made. We use the spectra from other ponies; not all the ponies, just Pegasi who failed their flight tests…” Rainbow said. “Come on, I’ll show you how it’s done…” she said putting a hoof on me and then brought me into another room… that room…
“This is where we put our failed Pegasi…” rainbow said. “That machine is how we get the spectra out of them.”
I stared at the machine with worry and disbelief… this doesn’t make any sense… why did I have to be sent here, of all people!? But then Rainbow Dash saw the look of worry on my face.
“Hey, relax. It’s not like I’m gonna throw you in there.” She said. “First, I’m going to show you a demonstration.”
Oh shit…
She walked up to one of the failed Pegasi and put her in shackles. This is not going to end well for that Pegasus… I then see tears of fear and horror in the Pegasus’ face. I wish I could do something to help. After a few minutes, Rainbow started the machine… and what I saw scared the living shit out of me. The Pegasus’ limbs were being stretched up and down.
“We think that the machine works better if the ribs are broken.” Rainbow said.
The chains were then spinning around in opposite directions twisting the helpless Pegasus. Her screaming just gave me constant chills down my spine... until the screams finally stopped… and then being dropped in the machine below her.
“So, what did you think of the demonstration, Josh?” Rainbow asked, but I was too terrified to even answer. “…Well get used to it… because you are not allowed to leave this place.”
“Wait, what!?” I yelled. “I thought you said you weren’t going to kill me!”
“I’m not! Nopony is allowed to leave here. Once somepony enters this factory, there’s no going back!” Rainbow said.
“So, you just expect me to sit and watch this??” I ask.
“No, I expect you to work here… starting tomorrow.” Rainbow said.
“What!?” I yell.
“Look, you either work here, or you become PART of a rainbow! Your choice!” Rainbow yelled.
“…*sigh*… I guess I don’t have any other choice then…” I said.
“Good… like I said, you start tomorrow.” Rainbow said.
A/N
I hoped you liked this chapter everypony! Just an F.Y.I. The Idea for this fic was not mine… the inspiration comes from someone else on the site… and if you liked this chapter, than I plan on continuing.
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That was pretty interesting. I can't wait to see the next chapter!
1004304
[strike]fuck you[/strike]dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png
[strike]Have a nice day, poster just before mine[/strike]
So he deleted his post.....and I still missed dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
WOOW VERY AWESOME WRITTEN !!!
Pls write another chapter it's awesome !
You know... using... excessive ellipsis... does not make for a good narrative... If anything... it interrupts your flow... and handicaps the atmosphere in favor of using a tired cliche... to... show a mental pause...
It's generally acceptable to use it once or twice in dialogue, but NEVER a good idea to put in your actual prose, regardless of the perspective that you chose. Instead of resorting to the dreaded three dots, try using creative imagery and diction to get the character's reluctant thoughts across. You have so many dots in here that it nearly makes this story unreadable.
Secondly, you need to devote some more time to these two characters. I know absolutely nothing about them apart from their names and the fact that they're bronies. I don't know about their families. I don't even know what their personalities really are other than that they act like backstabbing children and that they use the word 'gay' as a derogatory insult.
Because of this, I don't care about them, and the emotional attachment that you want your readers to feel for them is completely lost.
freaking awesome man love it seems like its going to be better than the original "Rainbow Factory" fanfic
Oh boy, he's in for it now. Wait'll his friend finds him, he'll be broken and crying, and more than likely apologize. Then he'll have to apologize again to Princess Celestia, who'll probably lock him up anyway.
Step 1, Grab a machine gun.
Step 2, Kill every last one of the f**kers
Step 3, leave the factory.
That's what I would do.
I want to like this story, but there are so many flaws. Dialogue is important to any story, that's how character's communicate with each other of course. But you can communicate beyond just speech. Like for example:
“So, you just expect me to sit and watch this??” I ask.
“No, I expect you to work here… starting tomorrow.” Rainbow said.
“What!?” I yell.
“Look, you either work here, or you become PART of a rainbow! Your choice!” Rainbow yelled.
“…*sigh*… I guess I don’t have any other choice then…” I said.
“Good… like I said, you start tomorrow.” Rainbow said.
This is just straight dialogue, it might as well be a script. Here is how I would write it:
“So, you just expect me to sit and watch this??” I ask, my eyes widen in shock and my mouth in an O of shock.
“No, I expect you to work here… starting tomorrow.” Rainbow said while rolling her eyes.
“What!?” I yell so hard it hurt my throat.
“Look, you either work here, or you become PART of a rainbow! Your choice!” Rainbow yelled, the threat apparent in her face and body as she leveled her eyes at me with an intensity of a super nova.
"I guess I don’t have any other choice then…” I sighed, closing my eyes as I resigned myself to a horrible fate.
“Good… like I said, you start tomorrow.” Rainbow said as she nodded her head satisfied.
See, communication isn't just through speech, but through body language. You have to visualize the the characters talking. Watch an episode of my little pony. They don't just stand there talking with just their mouths moving. They are either looking away, rolling their eyes, waving their hooves, or pointing.
If I'm honest, I didn't like it that much. Everything just happened so quickly and some of the dialogue just sounded really unnatural. Also, I agree with all the things that 1004420 said.
There's a really good story somewhere in here, but in my opinion, you're just not quite there yet. Keep at it though, and I'm sure you'll get better.
Then again, I did't even like 'The Rainbow Factory' that much either, so I guess my opinion of this was kinda to be expected.
i think he needs to blow it up
I can tell this won't end well. And by this, I mean Josh.
You fucking shit of nothing!, i wish that the song Awake took him to leave that place of shit!
Finally someone smart most story her suck so much
Most people here suck (squeeze da thorch hound)
1005313
Where would you get a machine gun from if the factory doesn't have it?
WHAT THE HELL MAKES IT GAY!!!!?