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[1] The Chapter in which Essix Does Things3,156 words
[2] The Chapter in Which Essix Does More Things2,168 words
The Chapter in Which Essix Does Things and Gets Paid for Them.2,366 words

[1] The Chapter in which Essix Does Things

Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan woke to another bright, happy morning in Ponyville.

“Five more minuterzzzz....”

Yes, that’s right. He woke up. And got out of bed.

“Nooo... don’ wan...”

The shade snapped up, released by some unseen force and bathed the room in light. Most of the light was absorbed by the black painted walls, but a particularly bright beam refracted through a conviniently-placed magnifying glass hanging from the ceiling on a string and right into the face of Essix, who immediately got up.

Who Immediately Got Up.

Ok, fine.

He did not get up. He waved his hoof at the sunlight (uselessly, mind you) and rolled over, right into the other sunbeam refracting through the other magnifying glass hanging from the ceiling. Clever, huh?

“Okay okay... I’m getting up.” moaned our dear protagonist, rolling his way out of bed and onto the floor, which was covered in multitudes of dirty black hoodies, and magazines of questionable content. Joining him on the floor was a single black hedgehog who was supposed to be in his tank but had escaped again.

The hedgehog’s name was Dan, and not Shadow, because this is MLP and not Sonic.

Probably.

Essix’s name was Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan, which was stated earlier but I’ll remind you from time to time just in case you forget, and also because I like saying it. Or, in this case, writing it.

Essix was eighteen, all black, and was the only alicorn in Ponyville other than Twilight Sparkle, and sometimes Roseluck from down the street. Anyway, Essix had this nasty looking scar going through one eye, but it was kind of hard to see because, as I said, he’s all black. Well, not all all black- his eyes were not all black, as the irises were a pleasing shade of icy blue, but those were usually hidden behind heavily tinted sunglasses. Anyway (again), the scar was actually just a remnant from a spell gone haywire involving many kitchen utensils. It could've been healed easily by any capable medical pony, but Essix quite liked the look of it.

Essix pulled himself back into bed with his telekinesis, taking a pile of the hoodies with him. "Ugh, Dan... send a letter to Celestia to tell her I’ll be late...” he groaned from the pile of black blankets, black feathers, black pillows and black alicorn OC. He rolled over again and promptly fell out of his bed a second time.

Dan dutifully picked up a nearby pen in his mouth and wrote a quick message to Celestia on a hayburger wrapper before balling it up and eating it. With a tiny burp, the message was on its way.

Finally, Essix extracted himself from the pile on the floor and snagged a not-so-fresh hoodie from a drawer. After using his magic to tug the hoodie over his head and onto his body, he stumbled ungracefully to the door and managed to open it with his hoof on the third try.

Let’s give a round of applause to Essix for getting up!

“...Let’s not, and say we did.” Essix whispered to himself.

Essix almost fell through the doorway and into the hall, but he held himself up and made it into the bathroom.

While our protagonist takes a leak and maybe a shower, I shall tell you, dear reader (yes you), a bit more about him.

Essix was born at a very young age. When he was born, Essix wasn’t actually all black. His coat was this nice cream color and his mane was a light blue that matched his eyes. As he matured, his coat darkened a little bit and the feathers near the tips of his wings turned blue as well.

About a week after Essix moved out from his mother's house, he dyed his entire coat and mane black, and he had kept it that way ever since.

While Essix was an alicorn, he was not a very strong one. Heck, DJ Pon3 was more magical, Pinkie Pie was twice as strong, and since he was kind of afraid of falling, Essix didn't fly much.

One thing Essix was, however, was intelligent. Now I don’t mean Twilight Sparkle intelligent, but maybe three-quarters Twilight intelligent. He loved his magic studies, and “secretly” had a crush on his mentor, Princess Celestia, which she was aware of and thought was “cute.”

“She thinks I’m cute?” said Essix, who was not still in the bathroom. “Today’s the day, then. I’ll make my move.”

And with that, he trotted into the kitchen, looking much less bedraggled and smelling significantly better. He also had a very bad idea in his head, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

Well, there is, but that wouldn’t be any fun, now would it? It would also be a great learning experience.

Essix used his magic to prepare some eggs and toast, and then mulphed it down quickly. After cleaning up from breakfast, Essix headed for the door. The one that goes outside, I mean. He paused by the door for a second to allow Dan to climb into a custom-made pocket on the back of his hoodie. And with that, Essix opened the door and was off to the train station.

••• ••• •••

Essix entered the train station, with his headphones on. He was listening-

Hold on a second. Essix isn't here. He’s supposed to be here. At the train station. Mmmm... nope. Must’ve left him at the house.

One second...

••• ••• •••

Yes, here he is, talking with a demon. Let’s listen in.

“...seriously don’t know who the heck you are.” said Essix, trying to step around the large red blob of tentacles and eyes and tentacle eyes and eye tentacles and eye tentacles with eyes on them and so on and so forth.

The blob moved to block his way. “I come all thith way to thee you, no, to fight you, and you hath the nervth to thhhay you don’t know who I am?”

“Yes,” replied Essix, obviously annoyed. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for an important meeting with the princess.”

“Oh come ON Ethhithhhks, wow your name ith a mouthfull, just a quick little fight? I’ll thend you to Printheth Thelethtia right after.” The tentacles wiggled in hope. The eyes did not wiggle.

How the heck was this demon talking anyway? It didn’t have a mouth.

“How are you talking?” asked Essix, echoing your dear narrator's own question.

“You know...” replied the demon.

“I don’t, actually.” rereplied our protagonist.

The thing continued, “I don’t acthually know. I jutht kind of am, I gueth?”

Meanwhile, the denizens of Ponyville carried on with their daily lives, while making sure to give Essix and the demon plenty of space. Stuff like this was pretty common. Actually, there were a number of ponies throughout Equestria that had a theory that their whole world was just a silly cartoon, but you and I both know that (at least in this case) the whole world is extremely well-written fanfiction about a cartoon.

“So,” started the tentacle-eye demon, “Fight me or be a wuthhh?”

“Don’t call me a wuss.” replied Essix, his fur bristling. “Don’t start with me.”

A start button appeared in midair right in front of the demon, and the demon reached out with a tentacle to press the button, stopping just in front of it.

“I’m warning you.” growled Essy-bessy. "And don't call me Essy-bessy."

The demon ignored him and pressed the button anyway.

Essix muttered a final word, “Fine.” before lighting his horn and sending a beam of black straight through the tentacle thing. Except the beam was not black. It was pink. It was such a shade of pink that it really did not go well with Essix's black black on black with black black and blackity black look. This is because Essix’s magic, whether he liked it or not, was pink. It was so pink it even rivaled the pinkness of Princess Cadence, and her pinkness is not a pinkness to be trifled with.

Anyway, the beam pierced the demon, who was not prepared for an attack, and as a result lost about twenty-seven percent of its mass, which did not include its weak point, which was the tentacle that did not have eyes all over it. The start button also demanifested somewhere in there, but heck if I know when that happened. I can't keep track of everything.

“Aim for the no-eyed tentacle. Got it.” said Essix to no one in particular. Especially not the narrator.

Before our hero could shoot another blast of magic, the tentacle-eye demon lashed out with, well, a tentacle with a dozen eyes on it, and slapped Essix on the cheek, like, really hard.

Hard enough to send our hero flying through the wall of his own house. The wall slowed him enough that when he hit the kitchen table, it didn’t break the table. The table was pretty sturdy. A nice table. I wish I had a table like that. Anyway, Essix slid across the table and off the other side.

Now on the ground, Essix groaned, and tried to push himself back to his hooves. Somepony else grabbed one of his legs and helped him get up.

The pony was a green earth pony stallion with a messy black mane. His cutie marks were hidden behind some saddlebags.

“Need some help, neighbor?” asked Spades Duck with a smile. If you don't know who Spades is, that's okay. Just read Pickles & Milk. Or don't. I'm not your parental figure.

“Thanks, Spades.” replied Essix, giving his neighbor a quick smile.

“You can thank me later.” replied Spades before pulling his ACME Husbando Sword (Only four easy payments of $19.95! Buy yours today!) from his saddlebags.

"I... already thanked you?" Essix said questioningly, giving Spades a side-eye.

The tentacle-eye demon schlopped itself through the hole in the wall and into Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan’s house. “I thhheeee you!” it screamed, whipping eyed-tentacles and tentacle eyes at Spades and Essix both.

Spades effortlessly blocked each strike with his sword, but the demon attacked so fast he couldn’t attack it himself. Essix used a multi-beam magical burst spell to keep the tentacles with eyes at bay while franticly searching the tentacle-eye-eye-tentacle-tentacle demon for the tentacle with no eyes.

The demon itself was growing horribly frustrated. “Why... won’t... you... DIE ALREADY YOU OVERPOWERED GARY THTU OF AN OH-THHHEEE!” More tentacles went after Spades, which gave Essix the chance he needed to launch a powerful pink blast that was perfectly aimed at the demon’s eyeless tentacle.

Immediately, the demon exploded into grey goop that got everywhere. Before either Spades or Essix could really react, the demon’s voice came from the ground.

“Ath I promithed, I will thend you to the printheth thinth you have done battle with me. And altho my name ith... Thenthixthtickarrrrrrr.”

“What?” asked Spades and Essix both.

“Thenthixthtickar.”

There was silence for a few moments before Essix spoke up. “Yeah, I can’t tell where the esses and the tee-ayches are in your name.”

“Thhhhhhen. Thix. Thhhhtick. Arrr.”

Spades sighed. “That didn’t help.”

“Howth about... Thhhen with an ethhhh, Thix altho with an ethhh, Thhhhtick with a theeee-aych, and Arrr.”

“Sensixthtickar?”

“Yeth, thathh correct. Now, I, Thenthixthtickar, will thend you to the cathle!”

And with a plorp, Essix disappeared, leaving Spades in the kitchen and grey goop all over the damn place. Spades left, probably to take a shower.

••• ••• •••

Essix was moderately late for his magic lesson thingamajig, but Celestia wasn’t worried. Essix was usually late to his lessons, but he always sent a letter ahead to let her know. This time was no different, and she had already received and read the letter written by Dan the hedgehog. So, Celestia waited in the library, sipping her tea. She was unaware that Essix had just battled a demon (and gained a level, but we’ll get to that later). Thus, she was not expecting a warp tunnel to open in the floor and definitely wasn’t expecting Essix to be spat out of it.

“Hey Princess.” said Essy-bessy from his spot where he was spat. "Don't call me that!"

“Good morning... Essix. I did not know you were practicing warp spells. They are much more draining than teleportation. And don't call you what?"

“Nevermind. Wasn’t me that did the warp-whatever. I fought a demon named Sensixthtickar and because I won, he... warped me here?”

“Well, that explains the grey goop.”

“Should I... like wash it off?”

“Try using your magic. It’s always good to practice.” Celestia said before taking another sip of her tea.

Essix lit his horn and began to peel away layers of grey goopy gunk with his telekinesis. Dan crawled out from the pocket on the hoodie and waved with his tiny paw to Celestia, who smiled at the hedgehog.

“So, if you haven’t been practicing warp tunnels, what have you been practicing?” asked Celestia after taking a sip of her tea.

“I’ve been practicing using multiple spells at the same time.” said Essix, flipping his mane back as he continued removing grey goop from his wings. This motion flicked grey goop from his mane all over the place.

Celestia sighed at the fresh mess and then said “Show me.”

Essix didn’t reply with words. Instead, he cast another spell that made an illusionary fire appear on the floor in front of him, while continuing to use his telekinesis on the grey goop. While holding the illusion, he cast another spell which animated a broom so that it swept over to him and began to clean grey goop off of the floor.

“Three at once. Very good. Do you want to try four?” said Celestia, watching Essix closely for any signs of magical fatigue.

Essix cast another spell that froze a circle on the ground with ice from the water vapor in the air, and then animated some of the ice into a bass guitar, which began to play on its own. It wasn't really playing anything, as Essix wasn't the best at music. He began to sweat.

“You’re doing much better than yesterday. Try to hold all four for as long as you can.”

Essix held, but only barely. With one final sweep of his magic, he dropped all four spells and fell into a heap on the floor, panting heavily. The broom fell over, leaving the grey goop in a single pile. The guitar sublimated back into water vapor, and the illusionary fire disappeared.

“Princess?” panted Essix, who had decided to do the thing that I said he shouldn’t do near the start of the story.

“Yes, Essix? What is it?” asked Celestia worriedly. It was nothing, and Essix got up and left without a word.

Except he didn’t. Instead, he continued to do the thing he really really shouldn’t do. He asked “Do you like me?”

“Essix...” started Celestia, but she didn’t continue immediately. She sighed. “Essix, you’re a good pony. You’re just... misguided at times. And to be frank, the all-black look doesn’t suit you at all.”

“That’s... very honest of you, but not what I meant. Do you, like, like like me?”

“Like like like?”

“You know, like me in, like, that way.”

“In what way? I’m not sure I follow.”

It was at this moment that Essix remembered that he had leveled up after defeating the tentacle eye demon and he put a point into charisma, and added the skill “way with words,” which introduced extra dialogue options in certain situations. Honestly, in my opinion, he shoulda gone for arcana and gained more magic skills, ‘cuz beam attacks and telekinesis can only do so much.

“Princess Celestia, would you date me?” asked Essix, choosing the very not recommended dialogue option.

Celestia dropped her teacup, spilling tea on the rug. “Oh dear.”

“I’ll take that as a “no.” "

“Essix, my most unusual student, you are far too young. You have way too much life ahead of you. Perhaps when you’re older. A lot older. Have you heard of the age gap creepiness factor?”

“Oof.” said Essix, leaning on his black sword that he has and I just forgot to mention earlier. He impaled the carpet as he leaned on it.

“Essix, what did I say about swords in the castle?”

Yeah, Essix. What did she say about swords in the castle?

Essix sighed. “No leaning on swords in the castle.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at him. “...And?”

Essix frowned, and Celestia stared at the sword that was sunk several inches into the carpeted floor.

“...No destruction of Crown property? C’mon Princess, I told you that this sword is cursed! I can’t leave it behind, even if I wanted to!”

Celestia snorted. “That doesn’t mean you had to unsheathe it, Essix.”

“This is true.” he replied, nodding twice and resheathing his cursed blade.

It was at this moment that a member of the royal guard opened the library door and looked in. She spotted Celestia, and then Essix, just as Essix and Celestia spotted her peeking in. They stared at each other for a few moments until Celestia spoke up.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked, concern rising on her face.

The guard’s eyes widened before she opened the door a bit farther and smiled sheepishly. “Nothing out of the ordinary, my Princess. I was just... ah... seeing what was going on in here. That was all.” The guard stared at Essix for a few seconds before ducking back out and quietly shutting the door.

“Who was that?” asked Essix, who was leaning on his sword again, creating another cut in the carpet. And the floor beneath.

“Your sword.”

“Ah.” Essix resheathed his sword again. “Sorry.”

“Mmmm. That was... Sunrise Shields. If I am to be correct, and that usually is the case,” Celestia paused to chuckle, “She guards the Royal Archives, which are right across from the library. She seemed oddly excited.” Celestia decided not to mention the thing, because Essix’s ego was already huge.

“What thing?” Essix asked to the air.

“Hmm?” Celestia frowned at Essix, not understanding.

“Sorry. Not talking to you. What thing?” Essix asked again, but received no answer as whoever he was asking the question to would get in trouble for answering and he knew this.

“Essix? I think we should cut today’s lesson short.”

“Huh? Why?”

“You seem to be a bit... out of it today. We’ll still meet on Thursday, like usual. Maybe get some rest-“

Essix stood up and interrupted Celestia. “I’m gonna go to the roof to sit for a while. I’ll... see you on Thursday.”

As he headed for the door, Celestia stood, but didn’t say anything until right before he left. “Please try not to be-“ The door closed with a click. “-late.”

She looked down at her spilled teacup and the fresh stain on the carpet. “Yes, I think it’s for the best that he doesn’t know about his fan club."

Author's Note:

I listened to Bring Me To Life on a loop while writing this.

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