An Emo EQG OC Makes Fun of Everything

by Asunyan

Chapter One: I make fun of Sci-Twi

Do people even call her Sci-Twi anymore? Considering she's cemented herself as apart of the mane 7 since Friendship Games, it really makes me wonder if anyone bothers calling her that anymore. Well, who cares, since I'm calling her that, and there's no one who can stop me! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!

"A bonfire?!" Twilight gasped, "For what purpose!?"

"To burn the things we hate," I explained, putting my hands in my jacket pockets, "I figured it'd be good stress relief."

"I don't know about that..." Sci-Twi questioned, "It doesn't sound very safe."

"Says the girl who has a magical amulet around her neck," I quipped, causing Twilight to, once again, gasp.

"H-How did you know that?" the nerd asked, clearly paranoid.

"I watched Legends of Everfree," I explained, "Besides, it's really obvious if you pay attention." We were walking to where Snowflake was hosting his annual 'Burning Bonfire', which was apparently something he did to burn random things he hated. Who knows? He works at a spa after all.

"So what did you bring to burn, Robyn?" Sci-Twi asked, pulling the driver's manual out of her backpack.

"Twilight." The nerd stopped in her tracks and started trembling. There was fear on her face and she looked like she wanted to run away. "The book, you egghead."

Sci-Twi let out a sigh, "Oh, I was worried for a second."

"Why would I burn you in a literal sense?" I asked, confused myself, "I mean, in a figural 'haha' sense then I'm all for it, but I don't want to physically hurt you. The Author can't write a fight scene for shit."

"I...I don't know," Twilight sighed, looking at her feet, "Maybe it's just remnants from my days at Crystal Prep..."

I turned at gazed at her, "Remnants?"

"Well," Sci-Twi looked at the ground and was clearly preparing for a long speech, "Being one of the smartest students at Crystal Prep, a lot of other students were jealous of me. They always threatened me and wanted to hurt me. Sometimes it went so far that they-"

"I'm gonna stop you there, Twi," I put my index finger on her lips to silence her, "No offense, but I'd rather read this long, boring, and insufferable vampire romance novel than listen to your dramatic backstory. Besides, this is supposed to be a comedy, not a drama."

Twilight stood there, shocked and surprised, but gently pushed my finger out of the way, "It's fine, Robyn. I know a lot of people don't want to listen to my backstory. Besides, that's all in the past!"

"Exactly!" I shouted, possibly too loud, "And speaking of the past, why don't we burn these books so we can move on with our lives?"

Sci-Twi seemingly didn't know how to respond to that, which wasn't a problem for me. We walked on for a while before Twilight asked, "Is your hair naturally black?"

I turned to look at her, "Yeah, and your hair's naturally blue with purple highlights. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I also noticed that you cover one of your eyes with your hair," Sci-Twi observed, "I was wondering if you were shy."

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. "Are you kidding?! I am many things, discount Twilight Sparkle, but I am not shy."

The nerd cocked her head to the side, "That's odd."

"Really?" I chuckled, "How so?"

"Well, you never talk to anyone," Sci-Twi began, almost as if she was reading off of a list, "You talk off to teachers, you're always late for class, you don't even eat in the cafeteria!"

I rolled my eyes. Also, anyone else find it weird that Twilight noticed all these things? Did the Author make it this way for convenience's sake, or has she been noticing my every move? Maybe she's stalking me? "Listen Scily-Twily, it's not that I'm shy. I leave that to people who are insecure about themselves and have an inferiority complex. I'm the polar opposite. I love myself (sometimes too much) and have a superiority complex. Here's the difference: Shy people want to talk to people, but don't know how. I just don't want to talk to people. I'm what you would call 'antisocial.'"

Twilight seemed to think about my response for a while. "So if that's the case, why are you talking to me?"

"Plot convenience. Oh, look, we're here." We stopped walking and saw a large pile of wood in a parking lot of an abandoned kilt shop (I don't know why it's a kilt shop, but I think there's one in Mall of America that the Author visited a few weeks ago). And in the middle of this abandoned parking lot was a large pile of wood with a large, blonde, buff Snowflake with a torch (the fire kind, not the flashlight kind) as if we going to start the Olympics.

Twilight and I walked toward the pile of wood, expecting Bulk to be giving an inspiring speech about burning our problems or some shit, but instead, all we got was a nice, hearty "YEAH!!!!"

How inspiring.

Snowflake then proceeded to throw the torch onto the pile of wood, causing the timber to be set ablaze. The surrounding students cheered and began throwing various things into the burning pile. Twilight took a step back, while I actually saw someone I recognized.

It was a girl (because guys are boring) with lime skin, blue eyes and dark pink hair put up into two separate buns. She was the lead conductor of the CHS marching band and was holding an instrument at that very moment. She was in the Pep Rally scene of Friendship Games singing alongside Rainbow Dash.

"Hey, you're Majorette, right?" I asked, walking up towards her.

She nodded, smiling as she did so.

"Is that a flugelhorn?"

She nodded.

"You're going to burn a flugelhorn?"

She nodded.

"Why?"

Majorette opened her mouth, pointed inside it, and shook her head.

I cocked my head to the side. "You can't talk?"

She nodded.

"But didn't you sing in the movie?"

She nodded.

"Let me guess, the Author was a bitch, and didn't give you a speaking role," I replied, raising an eyebrow.

She nodded.

I shook my head. "Jesus... and no, I'm not saying 'Sweet Celestia' or whatever the hell you shmucks say in this world."

Majorette shrugged. She pointed at her flugelhorn, then at me, and finally at the bonfire.

"What am I burning?" I asked.

She nodded, smiling too.

"Twilight," I replied. She looked behind me and pointed at Sci-Twi with a confused expression. I sighed, "Oh, come on! That joke wasn't funny the first time! No, I'm burning the vampire romance novel."

Majorette smiled and nodded, giving me a thumbs up. She turned toward the fire, and tossed the flugelhorn into it, watching as it became consumed by flames, though it didn't melt because of y'know...brass.

Twilight, the human, not the book nor the horse, nor the town in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, or even the one in Kingdom Hearts 2, seemed to be slowing backing away from the giant bonfire for some reason.

"Hey, Scily-Twily!" I shouted, walking toward the awkward nerd who didn't seem to want to be here anymore, "Where are you going?"

"I'm...uh..." Twilight mumbled, "Going to...I have a...thing..."

I rubbed my forehead, "Twi, I think you have a problem. What's the matter? Are you afraid of fire or something?" Unsurprisingly, the nerd nodded. "Wait...are you serious?" She nodded again. "Then why did you come with me to a bonfire?"

"I..." Sci-Twi began, "I thought that I could not be afraid of it, but...with it right there...I..."

"You found yourself paralyzed with fear?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. Twilight nodded. "Wait, but aren't you a scientist? Haven't you ever worked with chemistry? Hell, there was an explosion in the 'Mad Twience' music video! How the hell are you afraid of fire?"

"I...don't know..." Twilight replied, clearly unsure. I knew why, of course. Plot convenience.

"Okay then," I said, and grabbed Twilight's wrist, hauling her toward's the fire.

"W-Wait, what're you doing?" The nerd stuttered, trying to resist me.

"Either you're getting over your fear of fire," I groaned, "Or I'm going to throw not only the shitty Twilight novel into this fire, but I'll throw you into this fire too! To hell with the consequences! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Never give up, never surrender! Ride for wrath, ride for ruin and the world's ending! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Twilight threw the driver's manual in the fire, and I let her go. A few seconds later, I tossed the vampire novel into the flames too. "Well, it's about time I did that. I got tired of the 'Twilight confusion statement'. See Scily-Twily? Now wasn't that easy?"

Twilight, however, was shaking. Furiously. It's like shivering, but not out of cold, more out of fear. "What have I done...?" She mumbled, staring at the fire reflecting on her glasses.

"You...threw a driver's manual into a bonfire?" I explained though I felt I didn't need to.

"Exactly!" Twilight expressed, "I've burned a book! How could I?! What's wrong with me?! This is terrible! This is awful! This is a...a...a..."

"Travesty?" I groaned.

"A travesty!" Twilight shouted, "I've committed a mortal sin! Books are for reading, not for burning! Oh, this is like the fourth-grade nazi reenactment all over again!"

"Fourth grade...what?" My face had contorted into all sorts of confused expressions at this point.

"I...I...I have to get it back!" Twilight decided, jabbing her finger in the air.

"You what?"

"I have to get the driver's manual back!" With that, Twilight rushed toward the bonfire, desperately trying to get the book back, which at this point had all but burned to cinders.

I grabbed the collar of her shirt and held her in position, "No, Twilight! It's not worth it!" I shouted, trying to stop the nerd from turning herself into Smoked Twily, "This is only the first chapter of the story! You can't die yet! I still need to make fun of you more! TWILIGHT!!!"

---

So Twilight didn't die, and I convinced her that she could just buy another driver's manual. Turns out she actually has three extras at home. And I thought the Author was a packrat.

As the two of us walked back to Canterlot High, Twilight turned to look at me. "Um...Robyn?"

"Yes, Scily-Twily?" I replied, not bothering to return the look she was giving me. It was late, and I was sleepy.

"I just wanted to say thank you," Twilight explained, "You made me not afraid of fire."

"I did?" I raised an eyebrow, "How?"

"You made me want that book back so much that I wasn't afraid to get burned to do it," Twilight smiled.

"I think that was just you going losing your head," I commented, holding my backpack straps.

"Nevertheless," Twilight shook her head, "Thank you. And thanks for, y'know, not letting me get killed in a bonfire because of my own strangeness."

Is that what she calls it? "Y-Yeah, no problem? I think?" That was...weird.

We walked in silence till we reached the school, which by this time the sun was setting. "Well, I guess this is where we depart, Swi-Twi. See ya."

"Wait," Twilight said, walking up behind me, "Do you like animals?"

"Animals?" I mused, "I...think so? Probably? It depends, why are you asking?"

"Well," Twilight began, "My friend Fluttershy needs some help at the animal shelter tomorrow after school. All of us are busy with our own jobs, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to help her since you helped me today."

"The animal shelter?" I whined, and believe me it was an 'oh, come on' kind of tone, "I was hoping for something original, like how I took you to a bonfire. Hasn't the animal shelter appeared in one of the animated shorts too?"

"Uh, well she does work there if that's what you mean," Twilight replied.

"Well...shit," I groaned, "Tell Fluttershy that I'll meet her in front of the horse statue after school tomorrow. I need a segway into chapter two anyway."

"Really?" Twilight beamed, "You'll do it?"

"Sure," I shrugged, "Who knows; I might find a cute pet or something. As long as there's not a musical number about it."

"Brilliant!" Sci-Twi exclaimed, "I'll let her know. And thanks, Robyn! I'm glad we're friends now!" With that, the ambitious nerd who tried to burn herself to recover a driver's manual walked away, pulling out her friend to obviously text Fluttershy. And I started walking home, wherever that was.

Well, at least I have something ready for chapter two. And here I was worried that it'd be a filler chapter. I suppose there are seven main cast members to go through before that happens. Also, just like in the show, there's a moral to the story here!

If your friend is afraid of something, shove them close to whatever they're afraid of until they have a breakdown and try to kill themselves into whatever they're afraid of!

Comments

[Soufriere]

Okay, after reading the prologue and 1st chapter, I can say I genuinely am enjoying this story. It's pretty strong for a first fic. What can I say? I like surrealist (and/or stupid) humor.

I noticed some word-swap typos here and there, but all in all pretty good. I look forward to more.

[Asunyan]

9010297
I don't know who that is, but I'll give 'em a shot!

[Asunyan]

9010306
I'm glad you're enjoying it!

[Geeknerd]

Glad I finally took the time to read this. Going emo was probably the best way to make fun of this colorful world