My name is Robyn. I'm a fanfiction character who goes to Canterlot High. I make fun of everyone and everything. FOR COMEDY!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My name is not Anon. Nor is it 'insert your name here' or whatever. My name is Robyn. I'm a fanfiction character who exists to make fun of literally everything. I go to Canterlot High school with several people. At some point or another, I've met everyone, gone to everyone's house, and made fun of their entire existence. So come one, come all, join me as I make fun of the entire universe! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Canterlot High exists. It's not canon, unfortunately, though that's probably for the best. I mean, after all, the recent YouTube series has all of the mane characters in swimsuits (though no bikinis, unfortunately).
Okay, so, background stuff. I'm not going to go over the entire stuff that's happened in Equestria Girls since I assume you readers have brains and know what happened, so I'm going to give you my background!
Basic Details:
Name: Robyn
Gender: Female
Hair Color/Type: Black Rats Nest (Emo, for the win!)
Skin Color: Pearl White (I really need to get a tan)
Eye Color: Grey
Clothes: None! (I fuckin' wish) I wear a black turtleneck and a black skirt...because every girl in this universe that isn't old wears skirts.
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Body Size: Petite
Chest Size: The Author is a perv.
Bum Size: A Huge perv.
Foot Size: A Frozen joke.
@!$* Size: I'll leave that up to your imagination.
Favorites List:
Favorite Food: Sushi
Favorite Drink: Water
Favorite Color: Black (That's racist!)
Favorite Movie: Excalibur
Favorite Game: Kingdom Hearts II
Favorite TV Series: Game of Thrones (Would you believe the Author hasn't seen a single episode? HBO costs money, after all)
Favorite Song: 'We're Not Gonna Take It' by Twisted Sister.
Favorite Website to Visit: Reddit
Favorite MLP Character: Luna
Favorite MLP Princess: Luna
Favorite MLP Song: This Day Aria
Favorite MLP Episode: Lesson Zero
Favorite EQG Movie: Rainbow Rocks...though I'll get to that later.
I don't live anywhere. I just kinda spawn out of the ether for humors' sake and make fun of things. Today, for instance, I was looking at the Canterlot Statue. You see, it doesn't take a genius to know that there's an interdimensional wormhole that leads to ponyland. One just has to be observant. Or not give a damn about the fourth wall.
So the statue is a horse, right? That means it leads to ponyland and no one has ever thought to just walk into the glass, right? Well, of course. That would ruin everything. We must keep a low profile, dammit! Anywho, the statue was destroyed in the third movie and leaked magic giving our protagonists magical abilities, but you know what? For the sake of this story, the statue's repaired.
And who should happen to walk up to me for a chat but (hang on, rolling a D-6, and....) Applejack! Time to talk Southern, y'all!
"Howdy Robyn," the cereal rip-off said, walking up next to me, "What's shakin'?"
"Hello, Southern Stereotype number three," I groaned, "I'm currently staring at the statue."
"Yeah," Applejack replied, "They did fix it recently, didn't they?" She tilted her hat to better view the horse-shaped rock.
"That they did," I replied, not really paying attention. Applejack looks between my arms and saw a book I was holding.
"I see you got a book there," AJ said, "What is it?"
"Twilight," I answered.
"Isn't that the one with the bats?" Applejack asked.
"Vampires." I corrected.
"Right...is it any good?" The farmer asked.
"No."
"Then..." AJ looked confused, poor soul, "Why do ya have it?"
"It's for a bonfire later," I replied, still looking at the statue, "I was told to bring something I hated, and since I lost my DVD copy of 'A Very Minty Christmas', I went with this instead. Also, it seemed topical given that we know someone named Twilight."
"A...bonfire?" AJ asked, "What for?"
"The hell of it," I explained, albeit poorly, "Y'Know, now that I think about it, I should've saved the Twilight book for the Sci-Twi chapter...any chance I can change this to Bay's Transformers? Or the Star Wars Holiday Special? Or the first Equestria Girls movie?"
"Who set up the bonfire?" Applejack asked, worry developing in her voice.
"Snowflake," I answered, "Wait, that's from 2012, isn't it... Right, his name is Bulk Biceps. Anyway, we're supposed to bring something we despise to it and burn it. Seeing as burns are basically an analogy for this story, I figured it was fitting to start things off this way."
"Right..." Cereal-horse-human seemed properly creeped-out at this point and started to turn away to walk up toward the school.
"Oh, hey Cereal?" I asked, to which Applejack turned around. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Uh...sure," AJ replied.
"Can you tell Twilight I was looking for her?" I asked, "I want her to be my victim of chapter one."
"Uh...yeah, sure...alright." Applejack turned and walked away, possibly to find the nearest bathroom and vomit.
And do you know what the best part is? I never stopped looking at the horse statue.
Continuing my shenanigans, I walked into my school, shoved the annoying vampire novel in my backpack, and since I don't have a locker, I just went to my first class, which was having Cheerilee as my teacher because there are only about three teachers in this school, not including the principals.
So I sat through a lecture about science, then math, etc. Sunset Shimmer and Fluttershy are in my class, and they both sit by the window so you know they're the main protagonists. In class, we were reading this book called 'Speak'. It was actually good. It was about an emo girl who closed herself off from the world after being raped (don't worry, that didn't happen to me). I actually enjoyed the book too, which was rare, since no book required to be read through the school has ever been good.
Class ended, and thus became the lunch hour. Do you like apples? Specifically red delicious? Well, I hope you do! Because at CHS, Granny Smith (which is her actual birth name) serves a red delicious apple with every meal. Personally, I hate red delicious. Not because they're too sweet or anything, but they're so squishy. Like, natural DD breast level of squishy. And that's not good for food. And I'm not including the rest of the schlock that the school serves. So, I do the logical thing.
I bring a cold lunch.
I don't sit in the cafeteria most of the time. Sometimes I do, but considering that I've seen no less than two musical numbers and a lot of shit go down in the cafeteria, I leave the cafeteria and sit in the large entryway of the school. By myself. With no one around to bother me.
...except Principal Celestia.
"Excuse me," the administrator said, walking up to me, "You're Robyn, right?"
"I go by many names,' I replied, "Some call me 'sarcastic eyesore,' others 'little miss whore.' Although my personal favorite is 'Shut the fuck up, you psychotic bitch!' Though yes, Robyn is my True Name."
Celestia stared at me, clearly not mad about my nicknames, more showing concern for my well-being. "Are...are you okay?"
"As peachy as Adagio's ass," I replied, taking a swig of some apple juice, "I mean, seriously, have you taken a look at it? It's quite magnificent."
Celestia continued to just stare at me. She didn't have a comeback to my last comment. "I think you should talk to the counselor."
"We don't have one," I said, shoving a potato chip into my mouth. Sadly, I couldn't slow down time and make this chip-eating the most iconic scene of this entire story.
The principal took a step back. "What are you talking about? Of course, we do. Their name is-"
"I'm gonna cut you off there, Principal," I extended my flat palm forward, "Since no other fanfiction has ever thought about who the CHS counselor is, and since this author is too unoriginal to come up with an idea for it, no, we don't have a counselor. Could I please finish my lunch?"
Celestia looked at me with wide, and thoroughly confused eyes. "Why don't you eat in the cafeteria with your friends?"
"To eat with friends requires friends, Principal," I groaned, taking a bite out of a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, "Besides, I explained the problems with the cafeteria twelve paragraphs ago."
So Celestia did what was asked of her, and awkwardly turned away and walked in the opposite direction to look at CHS's trophies that we've gathered over the years. So, I finished my lunch in peace and went back to class.
Several boring subjects later, class ended, and I started walking out of class. But before I got out of this prison, I heard a voice behind me say, "Robyn, could you stay here for a moment?" It was Cheerilee, and I turned and saw a disappointed look on her face.
"Yes, Ms. Cheerilee?" I asked, trying to make my eyes to a puppy-dog look despite their bland color.
"I got a call from Principal Celestia earlier shortly after lunch about an...encounter you had with her," my teacher explained, "She told me you cursed at her, put yourself down, and made explicit remarks about other classmates."
"Only Adagio," I clarified, "Principal Celestia told me to go to the counselor. I told her the truth: We don't have one."
"Well, that's about to change," Cheerilee said, her voice stern, "By next week, Celestia will have hired a school counselor to help you with your...problems."
"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what?" I stuttered, my mouth and my brain not connecting properly, "B-b-b-b-but the Author was too unoriginal to cast a counselor!"
"We're going to get a counselor whether you like it or not," Cheerilee said, sternly, "You're off the hook for now, but I suggest you keep from causing more problems in the meantime."
"Off the Hook?" I chuckled, "Since when was I an idol group from Splatoon 2?" Cheerilee, unlike Celestia, had a spine and wasn't about to let me go through my sarcastic attitude. Dammit. "Okay, okay, I'll be good until then."
"You'd better be good from here on out," Cheerilee cautioned, "You have a track record for being a troublemaker. You're overly sarcastic, you never participate in class, you never go to school functions, your grades are horrible and you have no friends! Not to mention you're considered extremely perverted by your classmates."
"I'm not perverted!" I defended, crossing my arms, "I'm just sexually curious!"
"You touched no less than twenty students in areas that should not be touched by anyone but their lover," Cheerilee groaned.
"Of which you don't have," I jabbed.
Cheerilee's eyes widened, but it was clear that she didn't appreciate my sense of humor. "According to reports, you touched Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Sunset Shimmer, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Flash Sentry-"
"He was boring," I commented, "Smaller than you'd think."
"-Aria Blaze, Sonata Dusk, Photo Finish, Cloud Kicker, Muffins, Bon-Bon, and even Vice-Principal Luna!"
"She's not as soft as you'd think," I sighed, "I'm pretty sure she had enhancement surgery done. Also, why am I only getting in trouble now?"
"That's what I want to know!" Cheerilee shouted, before sighing and rubbing her eyes with her fingers. "Look, if you're willing to put all of this in the past, the staff will turn a blind eye, but only if you go to the counselors' office every day for the next two weeks following their arrival."
"Two weeks?!" I whined, "That's ten chapters, at least! I was hoping we could get all this done in a fun interlude, but you're saying I need to talk to this person for ten days?!"
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Cheerilee replied, smirking as she did so. She was taking pleasure in this.
"What are my alternatives?" I asked, seeing if there was another way out, which, of course, there wasn't.
"Considering everything you've done, and with your grades where they are," Cheerilee rubbed her chin, "Expulsion."
"That doesn't sound appealing..." I groaned.
"It shouldn't," Cheerilee smiled, "There are also two other conditions to this agreement."
"Which are?" I asked.
"You must get your grades up to passing in every class, no exceptions," my teacher explained, "and you have to make at least one friend before your meeting with the counselor next week."
"I have to make a friend?" I gasped, "Just because 'Friendship is Magic' is the title of the show doesn't mean I should have friends!"
"No exceptions, Robyn," Cheerilee said, sternly, "You have to do this, or you will be expelled."
"If I'm expelled the entire purpose of this story falls apart like a rubber chicken that's been shot by a shotgun," I groaned, "And the Author needs people to notice her." I straightened my back, and put on my most confident face, despite the bags under my eyes. "Very well, Ms. Cheerilee. Seeing as I have no choice in the matter, I will take you up on your offer."
"I thought you might," Cheerilee smiled, though it was a cocky smile, and returned to her desk,"Good luck, Robyn. And remember, you have the rest of this week to find a friend."
"That's two days," I replied, "Four if you include the weekend."
"As I said," my teacher grinned, "Good luck."
I hate the Author. She ruined this perfectly humorous story and gave it conflict. What a load of garbage. Though I'm glad I arranged my first victim earlier today, because as I walked out of the school, who else should I see sitting by the statue but Sci-Twi, who looked up and waved at me as I exited the building.
"Robyn," Twilight said, skipping up to me, "Applejack said you wanted to talk to me?"
"I did, actually," I smiled, "Quite conveniently. Do you happen to have anything you hate on you by chance?"
Twilight cocked her head to the side. "I have a book on the state driving laws that's been driving me crazy."
"Perfect!" I gushed, and grabbed the nerd's hand, dragging her along with me as I walked, "Come with me!"
"W-wait!" Sci-Twi said, confused, "Where are we going!?"
"Where else, Sci-Twi?" I replied, my excitement brewing, "Chapter One!"
Do people even call her Sci-Twi anymore? Considering she's cemented herself as apart of the mane 7 since Friendship Games, it really makes me wonder if anyone bothers calling her that anymore. Well, who cares, since I'm calling her that, and there's no one who can stop me! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!
"A bonfire?!" Twilight gasped, "For what purpose!?"
"To burn the things we hate," I explained, putting my hands in my jacket pockets, "I figured it'd be good stress relief."
"I don't know about that..." Sci-Twi questioned, "It doesn't sound very safe."
"Says the girl who has a magical amulet around her neck," I quipped, causing Twilight to, once again, gasp.
"H-How did you know that?" the nerd asked, clearly paranoid.
"I watched Legends of Everfree," I explained, "Besides, it's really obvious if you pay attention." We were walking to where Snowflake was hosting his annual 'Burning Bonfire', which was apparently something he did to burn random things he hated. Who knows? He works at a spa after all.
"So what did you bring to burn, Robyn?" Sci-Twi asked, pulling the driver's manual out of her backpack.
"Twilight." The nerd stopped in her tracks and started trembling. There was fear on her face and she looked like she wanted to run away. "The book, you egghead."
Sci-Twi let out a sigh, "Oh, I was worried for a second."
"Why would I burn you in a literal sense?" I asked, confused myself, "I mean, in a figural 'haha' sense then I'm all for it, but I don't want to physically hurt you. The Author can't write a fight scene for shit."
"I...I don't know," Twilight sighed, looking at her feet, "Maybe it's just remnants from my days at Crystal Prep..."
I turned at gazed at her, "Remnants?"
"Well," Sci-Twi looked at the ground and was clearly preparing for a long speech, "Being one of the smartest students at Crystal Prep, a lot of other students were jealous of me. They always threatened me and wanted to hurt me. Sometimes it went so far that they-"
"I'm gonna stop you there, Twi," I put my index finger on her lips to silence her, "No offense, but I'd rather read this long, boring, and insufferable vampire romance novel than listen to your dramatic backstory. Besides, this is supposed to be a comedy, not a drama."
Twilight stood there, shocked and surprised, but gently pushed my finger out of the way, "It's fine, Robyn. I know a lot of people don't want to listen to my backstory. Besides, that's all in the past!"
"Exactly!" I shouted, possibly too loud, "And speaking of the past, why don't we burn these books so we can move on with our lives?"
Sci-Twi seemingly didn't know how to respond to that, which wasn't a problem for me. We walked on for a while before Twilight asked, "Is your hair naturally black?"
I turned to look at her, "Yeah, and your hair's naturally blue with purple highlights. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I also noticed that you cover one of your eyes with your hair," Sci-Twi observed, "I was wondering if you were shy."
I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. "Are you kidding?! I am many things, discount Twilight Sparkle, but I am not shy."
The nerd cocked her head to the side, "That's odd."
"Really?" I chuckled, "How so?"
"Well, you never talk to anyone," Sci-Twi began, almost as if she was reading off of a list, "You talk off to teachers, you're always late for class, you don't even eat in the cafeteria!"
I rolled my eyes. Also, anyone else find it weird that Twilight noticed all these things? Did the Author make it this way for convenience's sake, or has she been noticing my every move? Maybe she's stalking me? "Listen Scily-Twily, it's not that I'm shy. I leave that to people who are insecure about themselves and have an inferiority complex. I'm the polar opposite. I love myself (sometimes too much) and have a superiority complex. Here's the difference: Shy people want to talk to people, but don't know how. I just don't want to talk to people. I'm what you would call 'antisocial.'"
Twilight seemed to think about my response for a while. "So if that's the case, why are you talking to me?"
"Plot convenience. Oh, look, we're here." We stopped walking and saw a large pile of wood in a parking lot of an abandoned kilt shop (I don't know why it's a kilt shop, but I think there's one in Mall of America that the Author visited a few weeks ago). And in the middle of this abandoned parking lot was a large pile of wood with a large, blonde, buff Snowflake with a torch (the fire kind, not the flashlight kind) as if we going to start the Olympics.
Twilight and I walked toward the pile of wood, expecting Bulk to be giving an inspiring speech about burning our problems or some shit, but instead, all we got was a nice, hearty "YEAH!!!!"
How inspiring.
Snowflake then proceeded to throw the torch onto the pile of wood, causing the timber to be set ablaze. The surrounding students cheered and began throwing various things into the burning pile. Twilight took a step back, while I actually saw someone I recognized.
It was a girl (because guys are boring) with lime skin, blue eyes and dark pink hair put up into two separate buns. She was the lead conductor of the CHS marching band and was holding an instrument at that very moment. She was in the Pep Rally scene of Friendship Games singing alongside Rainbow Dash.
"Hey, you're Majorette, right?" I asked, walking up towards her.
She nodded, smiling as she did so.
"Is that a flugelhorn?"
She nodded.
"You're going to burn a flugelhorn?"
She nodded.
"Why?"
Majorette opened her mouth, pointed inside it, and shook her head.
I cocked my head to the side. "You can't talk?"
She nodded.
"But didn't you sing in the movie?"
She nodded.
"Let me guess, the Author was a bitch, and didn't give you a speaking role," I replied, raising an eyebrow.
She nodded.
I shook my head. "Jesus... and no, I'm not saying 'Sweet Celestia' or whatever the hell you shmucks say in this world."
Majorette shrugged. She pointed at her flugelhorn, then at me, and finally at the bonfire.
"What am I burning?" I asked.
She nodded, smiling too.
"Twilight," I replied. She looked behind me and pointed at Sci-Twi with a confused expression. I sighed, "Oh, come on! That joke wasn't funny the first time! No, I'm burning the vampire romance novel."
Majorette smiled and nodded, giving me a thumbs up. She turned toward the fire, and tossed the flugelhorn into it, watching as it became consumed by flames, though it didn't melt because of y'know...brass.
Twilight, the human, not the book nor the horse, nor the town in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, or even the one in Kingdom Hearts 2, seemed to be slowing backing away from the giant bonfire for some reason.
"Hey, Scily-Twily!" I shouted, walking toward the awkward nerd who didn't seem to want to be here anymore, "Where are you going?"
"I'm...uh..." Twilight mumbled, "Going to...I have a...thing..."
I rubbed my forehead, "Twi, I think you have a problem. What's the matter? Are you afraid of fire or something?" Unsurprisingly, the nerd nodded. "Wait...are you serious?" She nodded again. "Then why did you come with me to a bonfire?"
"I..." Sci-Twi began, "I thought that I could not be afraid of it, but...with it right there...I..."
"You found yourself paralyzed with fear?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. Twilight nodded. "Wait, but aren't you a scientist? Haven't you ever worked with chemistry? Hell, there was an explosion in the 'Mad Twience' music video! How the hell are you afraid of fire?"
"I...don't know..." Twilight replied, clearly unsure. I knew why, of course. Plot convenience.
"Okay then," I said, and grabbed Twilight's wrist, hauling her toward's the fire.
"W-Wait, what're you doing?" The nerd stuttered, trying to resist me.
"Either you're getting over your fear of fire," I groaned, "Or I'm going to throw not only the shitty Twilight novel into this fire, but I'll throw you into this fire too! To hell with the consequences! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Never give up, never surrender! Ride for wrath, ride for ruin and the world's ending! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Twilight threw the driver's manual in the fire, and I let her go. A few seconds later, I tossed the vampire novel into the flames too. "Well, it's about time I did that. I got tired of the 'Twilight confusion statement'. See Scily-Twily? Now wasn't that easy?"
Twilight, however, was shaking. Furiously. It's like shivering, but not out of cold, more out of fear. "What have I done...?" She mumbled, staring at the fire reflecting on her glasses.
"You...threw a driver's manual into a bonfire?" I explained though I felt I didn't need to.
"Exactly!" Twilight expressed, "I've burned a book! How could I?! What's wrong with me?! This is terrible! This is awful! This is a...a...a..."
"Travesty?" I groaned.
"A travesty!" Twilight shouted, "I've committed a mortal sin! Books are for reading, not for burning! Oh, this is like the fourth-grade nazi reenactment all over again!"
"Fourth grade...what?" My face had contorted into all sorts of confused expressions at this point.
"I...I...I have to get it back!" Twilight decided, jabbing her finger in the air.
"You what?"
"I have to get the driver's manual back!" With that, Twilight rushed toward the bonfire, desperately trying to get the book back, which at this point had all but burned to cinders.
I grabbed the collar of her shirt and held her in position, "No, Twilight! It's not worth it!" I shouted, trying to stop the nerd from turning herself into Smoked Twily, "This is only the first chapter of the story! You can't die yet! I still need to make fun of you more! TWILIGHT!!!"
So Twilight didn't die, and I convinced her that she could just buy another driver's manual. Turns out she actually has three extras at home. And I thought the Author was a packrat.
As the two of us walked back to Canterlot High, Twilight turned to look at me. "Um...Robyn?"
"Yes, Scily-Twily?" I replied, not bothering to return the look she was giving me. It was late, and I was sleepy.
"I just wanted to say thank you," Twilight explained, "You made me not afraid of fire."
"I did?" I raised an eyebrow, "How?"
"You made me want that book back so much that I wasn't afraid to get burned to do it," Twilight smiled.
"I think that was just you going losing your head," I commented, holding my backpack straps.
"Nevertheless," Twilight shook her head, "Thank you. And thanks for, y'know, not letting me get killed in a bonfire because of my own strangeness."
Is that what she calls it? "Y-Yeah, no problem? I think?" That was...weird.
We walked in silence till we reached the school, which by this time the sun was setting. "Well, I guess this is where we depart, Swi-Twi. See ya."
"Wait," Twilight said, walking up behind me, "Do you like animals?"
"Animals?" I mused, "I...think so? Probably? It depends, why are you asking?"
"Well," Twilight began, "My friend Fluttershy needs some help at the animal shelter tomorrow after school. All of us are busy with our own jobs, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to help her since you helped me today."
"The animal shelter?" I whined, and believe me it was an 'oh, come on' kind of tone, "I was hoping for something original, like how I took you to a bonfire. Hasn't the animal shelter appeared in one of the animated shorts too?"
"Uh, well she does work there if that's what you mean," Twilight replied.
"Well...shit," I groaned, "Tell Fluttershy that I'll meet her in front of the horse statue after school tomorrow. I need a segway into chapter two anyway."
"Really?" Twilight beamed, "You'll do it?"
"Sure," I shrugged, "Who knows; I might find a cute pet or something. As long as there's not a musical number about it."
"Brilliant!" Sci-Twi exclaimed, "I'll let her know. And thanks, Robyn! I'm glad we're friends now!" With that, the ambitious nerd who tried to burn herself to recover a driver's manual walked away, pulling out her friend to obviously text Fluttershy. And I started walking home, wherever that was.
Well, at least I have something ready for chapter two. And here I was worried that it'd be a filler chapter. I suppose there are seven main cast members to go through before that happens. Also, just like in the show, there's a moral to the story here!
If your friend is afraid of something, shove them close to whatever they're afraid of until they have a breakdown and try to kill themselves into whatever they're afraid of!
Remember how in the prologue I mentioned I was in the same class as Fluttershy? Apparently, the Author forgot that last chapter and didn't realize I could've just talked to her today (being Friday) rather than go through Twilight. At least he remembered that today.
As the bell rang for lunch, I was in my usual position: Hunched over my desk, half asleep with drool coming out of my mouth, listening to heavy metal hoping that no one would notice me. Cheerilee has already left, rather than trying to wake me up like normal, so I was probably going to have to lay here, allowing my saliva to slowly drip away on the desk and gather in a puddle that made it's way up to my eyes. Cute, right? Well, that was the plan, at least until I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I wonder who it could be...
I looked up from my desk and saw (surprise, surprise) Fluttershy standing above me, her hand extended to my shoulder. I must've looked great. Half asleep, massive bags under my eyes, hair that resembled a birds nest dipped in tar, and a face covered in drool. If Fluttershy liked animals, then she might've thought I looked like a dog.
"Um...excuse me?" The obligatory shy one asked, "I didn't mean to wake you, but you have something on your face."
"If you didn't mean to wake me," I asked, allowing the slobber on my face to stay there, "Then why'd you tap my shoulder? Oh, never mind, we needed to jump-start the plot anyway. Whaddaya want, Fluttershee?"
"Flutter...what?" She asked, not understanding the joke. Hell, I don't understand the joke.
"Some guy (or girl) said I should call you that in the comments on the last chapter," I explained, "A reference to some YouTuber."
"Um...okay," Fluttershy replied. Her hands were folded in front of her dress, prim and proper as she should be. "Anyway, I have a question to ask you."
"Ooooh, a question!" I gushed, "What could it be, I wonder? If it's anything about having sex, I'm out. I'm waiting for one person, and even then, this story has a 'teen' rating, so it won't happen. I'm happy to make innuendos though!"
"Oh no, nothing like that!" Fluttershy babbled, "It's just that...Twilight told me that you agreed to help me at the animal shelter today after school, and I was wondering if you going to do that, or if you were going to stand me up."
"Why would I stand you up?" I asked, "That would ruin the plot of the chapter."
"Oh, um...no reason!" Fluttershy tried to laugh her way out, but she was a horrible liar. But, I didn't care so, I didn't press further.
"Don't worry, Fluttershy," I replied, trying to sound reassuring. I probably just sounded annoyed. "I'll meet you at the statue after school."
"Really?" Fluttershy's face widened into a smile, "Thank you, Robyn!" Her face was in such an expression that it would make anyone's heart melt. Fortunately, I don't have a heart, just a black void of 'fuck this.'
After she stood there for a few moments, I gently asked, "Can I get back to my nap now?"
"Oh, um...I'm sorry!" Fluttershy ran off, probably to lunch, while I face-planted back into the saliva puddle, put my earbuds in and pressed play, gently falling asleep to intense heavy metal.
Later when class resumed, Cheerilee gave me the 'deadly stare of death' that could rival Fluttershy's as I loudly ate my lunch in the middle of class while she was giving a lecture on the human reproductive system. Good times.
I was right where Fluttershy expected me to be after school, give or take an action or two. After all, I seriously doubt she expected me to be repeatedly banging my head into the mirror below the statue.
"Robyn?" She asked, walking up to me.
"Yes, Fluttershee?" I replied, bonking my head into the mirror once again.
"W-What're you doing?" Fluttershy asked.
"Repeatedly bonking my head into the mirror," I answered, "Didn't I say that already in the exposition segment following the page break?"
"But why are you doing it?" Fluttershy urged.
"One of two reasons," I explained, "The Author couldn't decide which to use. I'm either desperately trying to go to ponyland for a sequel/spin-off story, or I'm trying to break the mirror. Either way, I'm hoping the spin-off story wins the 'longest title on FiMFic' award, for being called 'An Emo EQG OC goes to ponyland and makes fun of everything for a second goddamn time'."
"Either way, you really should stop," Fluttershy warned, "You're going to give yourself a headache and a nasty bump if you keep doing it."
"You're probably right," I nodded, stopping and resting my head on the mirror, "But you're a little late. I already have the bump."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Fluttershy replied, "I have a band-aid and some anti-itch spray in my backpack if that'll help." She began searching through her bag to try and find the items in question.
"Well, I really don't need them," I groaned, leaning upward only to get dizzy and fall on my ass.
"Oh, are you okay, Robyn?" Fluttershy gasped, kneeling down to look at me at eye level.
"I've been bonking my head against a mirror since school ended, and my ass just impacted on the concrete," I snapped, "Not to mention, my ass doesn't have much meat on it, and is pretty much bone with skin hanging off. So, no, I'm not okay."
"I should call Nurse Redheart," Fluttershy stood up, and prepared to jog back to the school, but I grabbed her lower leg before she got the chance.
"Relax, Fluttershy," I said, stopping her, "I only fell down and have a headache. Don't worry about it." To reinforce my words, I stood up, using the pink-haired girl for support, and got back on my feet. "See?"
"But you still have that bump on your head," Fluttershy noted, and without warning, she sprayed the top on my head with anti-itch spray, and gently pressed the band-aid to the bump on my scalp.
"Um...thanks?" I said, rubbing the area of my head where a band-aid now was.
"You're very welcome," Fluttershy replied, nodding, "But it's no trouble. I like helping people who are hurt. That's partially why I work at the animal shelter."
"Speaking of the animal shelter," I said, pointing away from the school, "We should get going."
"Oh, you're right," Fluttershy agreed, checking her phone for the time before putting it back into her bag, "My shift starts soon." And, off we were like a herd of turtles! We walked in silence for a while (anyone else getting déjà vu from the last chapter?) before Fluttershy spoke up. "I've noticed you don't talk to anyone. And that you don't have any friends. I was surprised when Twilight told me you volunteered to help me. Do you like animals?"
"Um...kinda?" I shrugged, "It depends on the animal. I know the Author has like...eight cats or something. She even trained one to climb her shoulder. But for me...meh. I don't like cats that much. They're either really touchy-feely or extremely hissy. There's a reason people use 'pussy' as an insult."
"Do you have any pets, Robyn?" Fluttershy asked, causing me to stop in my tracks.
"Not to my knowledge," I replied, gazing at the concrete, "The Author didn't think it was important enough to write me one."
"Well, maybe I can help you find a pet," Fluttershy smiled, "I helped Rainbow Dash find her pet tortoise."
"Maybe," I shrugged, starting to walk again, "I could always use some company at home. If the Author feels like writing me a house."
"Really?" Fluttershy's smile turned into a grin and her eyes widened, "You'll actually let me help you find a pet?!"
Whaddaya know, the girl was excited. "Sure, whatever."
"Oh, thank you, Robyn!" Fluttershy reached her arms around me and hugged me tightly.
"Ah, she's hugging me!" I squealed, "Why's she hugging me!?"
The 'shy' one let go of me, "Oh, sorry, I got a little carried away." She touched her grin in embarrassment.
"'A little'?" I groaned, stretching my compressed joints.
"Sorry, I just am so happy when someone tells me they want me to help them find a pet," Fluttershy explained, looking at her feet and twiddling her thumbs, "I sometimes find it hard to contain my excitement."
"Well, I suppose it could've been worse," I sighed, "You could've had the strength of Snowflake. I think if he hugged me I'd snap like a Kit-Kat."
"Come on," Fluttershy grabbed my hand and started walking faster towards the animal shelter, "The sooner we get there, the sooner we can help you find a pet!"
"Just don't sing a musical number about it!" I shouted, "They don't translate well to text!"
When we reached the animal shelter, which only took us one-thousand, four hundred and ninety-five letters and fifty-three paragraphs to do, Fluttershy wasted no time introducing me to the various residents of the animals shelter. On a side note, have you ever noticed that the animal shelter is in the mall? Isn't that extremely impractical?
I suppose it doesn't matter anyway, so let's move on. You know what the animal shelter looks like if you've watched the YouTube shorts, so I'm not going to bother detailing the interior, and just continue with the 'I'ma gonna get a pet' plotline. Almost immediately after we entered the shelter for animals, Fluttershy wasted no time pulling me towards the various locations where pets are.
"Look at this little kitty," Fluttershy cooed, petting an orange tabby cat, "Isn't he cute?"
"Too much fur," I groaned, crossing my arms, "The Author has enough cats. She doesn't need her fanfiction character to have them too."
"Okay," Fluttershy gently put the kitten down and quickly skipped over to another part of the store, coming back with a fish in a bowl. "How about a beta fish? They don't have any fur and are easy to take care of."
"You went through this same routine with Sunset Shimmer, Fluttershee," I rubbed my eyes, "If you take me to look at the lizards next, I'm going to take all the kittens in this store and turn them into handwear they rhyme with. Try something new."
"Well, it would help if you had something in mind," Fluttershy's voice began to show agitation. And no one likes the agitated Fluttershy.
"How about something...uncommon? Unique? That would make most people freak the hell out." I explained, looking around the shelter for something that might work.
Fluttershy thought for a moment, and then perked back up, "Come with me, I think I have an idea for you!" She grabbed my hand, and pulled me over to an area labeled 'reptiles.'
In front of me were several lizards. "Fluttershy...I told you no lizards."
"Not the lizards, Robyn," Fluttershy chuckled, and I turned to see she was looking at something else, 'I'm looking at these." She pointed in front of her Can you guess what she was looking at...? Roll a perception check and add your wisdom bonus. If you rolled above eleven, you can continue reading. If not, you can click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fU3Vn3xI-kA
"Snakes..." I grunted, "Why'd it have to be snakes?"
"Do you not want snakes either?" Fluttershy asked, her shoulders starting to droop.
"Oh fine, I'll take a look at them," I walked up next to Fluttershy and stared at several slithering serpents. They were one snake, two snakes, red snakes, blue snakes! So many snakes! Wait a second... rewind eight words ago...red snakes? Red snakes are cool. "What's that red one?"
"Oh, that's a Rosy Boa," Fluttershy explained, "They want to frequently escape their cages, so we leave them in their own pen. This one is a female. You have a good eye, Robyn. Rosy Boas are good snakes for beginners."
"Well, this chapter just went past two thousand words, so I'll take her!" I shouted, pointing at the snake.
Fluttershy's eyes lit up. "Wait...really?!" She gushed, her hands coming up to cup her face.
"Sure," I replied, "This chapter's getting long, so we need to get rolling to the end segment. We don't want to bore the readers with pointless pet talk. So, yes, I'll take the Rosy Boa."
"Oh, that's wonderful!" Fluttershy wrapped her arms around me and squeezed.
"GAH! HUGGING AGAIN!" I shouted, likely loud enough to where anyone in the entire mall could hear me.
Fluttershy let go of me and walked over to the counter. "I'm glad you're getting a pet, Robyn. They can really enrich your life."
"So, how much is this gonna cost me?" I asked, leaning on the counter.
"Well, the Boa costs forty dollars," Fluttershy began, ringing up the totals on the cash register, "And you don't need to buy a huge tank at the moment. A shoebox will work for a hatchling for now, and you should lay down substrate for her to move around in, such as newspaper or paper towel. You should also seal up any large holes in the shoebox because she'll try to escape. Also, I should warn you, they can get up to four feet in length, so you'll eventually want to buy a twenty-gallon snake tank, which is about sixty dollars. As far as food, the animal shelter will supply you with a free two weeks worth of food to get you started. Once she gets bigger, you can feed her bigger meals, mainly thawed frozen mice, though you'll only have to do it at most four times per season. While special lighting is not necessary, a heat source is. The best heat source is an under tank heat pad or tape on one side of the enclosure so the snake can thermoregulate. This also aids in digestion. Are you sure you want to buy her?"
"That was a lot of exposition..." I gasped, my mouth agape, "But sure, I'll take her. Can her take her out of the shoebox?" I handed Fluttershy my debit card.
"Of course," Fluttershy replied, swiping the card, "But keep her on you or around you. Don't let her escape. Think you can handle her?"
"For the sake of our friendship, I sure as hell hope so." I took back my card and Fluttershy walked over to the tank, and carefully extracted the Boa. She put her into a small tank with tiny air holes, and handed her to me, along with a bag of food.
"Here you go, Robyn," Fluttershy put her folded hands in front of her, "I'm glad you decided to get a pet."
"Yeah, well...we needed a plotline," I replied, looking at the mistake purchase I just made. Seriously, was this necessary?
"Have you thought of a name for her?" Fluttershy beamed.
"Wait, I need to name her too?" I whined, "You honestly expect me to name her after I just bought her? Do you know how long it took the Author to come up with Robyn? Not to mention, it was originally spelled 'Robin' with an 'i' like the bird! Or the Boy Wonder!"
"But if you don't think of a name for her, then you'll never get attached to her," Fluttershy warned.
"A name, huh?" I rubbed my chin and thought for as long as it took the Author to get up, eat dinner, check the grammar on this chapter and count the number of paragraphs ago the last reference was, "I got it!" I shouted, finally thinking of something. "Suessette."
Fluttershy cocked her head to the side. "Suessette?"
"As in Dr. Suess," I explained, "Nineteen paragraphs ago I made a Dr. Suess reference before finding this snake. Therefore, from this point on, this snake shall be known as Suessette, and there's no one who can change my mind!"
Fluttershy chuckled, "Well, I'm glad. Just be sure to take care of her and to clean her tank. Snakes don't require as much emotional attention as other animals, but they do require standard maintenance. If you want me to, I could always come over to your home and help you take care of her. And if all else fails, I can always petsit for you." She closed her eyes and grinned. Y'know, for someone who always claims to be shy, she's not all that shy. If anything, she's just really timid. Must be post-season four Fluttershy.
"I might take you up on that offer, too," I replied, and turned to the exit of the shelter, "This chapter's pushing three thousand words, so I don't have much time to say bye."
"Well, I understand if you need to leave," Fluttershy nodded, "I'm still just so happy you decided to get a pet."
"It was required by the Author," I groaned, and walked out of the store.
"Oh, Robyn!" Fluttershy called, jogging up to me, "Do you have any plans for the weekend?"
"Wait, I have to deal with a weekend?" I stopped, turning to face the pink-haired girl, "Why? What's the point of that? I was hoping we'd just skip directly to Monday, not cover two separate days! Do you know how long of a chapter that'll be?! Grr..." I stomped away, leaving Fluttershy there. "The Author better write me a fucking house!"
"Um...bye," I heard Fluttershy mumble behind me. I was busy grunting and groaning as I stomped away to care. Do I have to deal with a weekend next chapter? Nothing interesting happens during a weekend! And I can't just sit around playing video games and watching anime! I have to actually do something. Dammit...but as I walked away from the mall, and into the night outside, I had one final question.
What was I supposed to help Fluttershy with at the animal shelter again?
Chapter Three: I make fun of GOD, WHY ARE THERE WEEKENDS!?!?!?
I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is, I have a home! Or at least an apartment. It's a one bedroom, one bath, with basic accommodations, being a kitchen, living room and dining area. The bad news is....it's a weekend.
Ninety percent of all sane students collectively agree that weekends are the best thing ever, since they get time off from school, get to sit around and do nothing, etc. Basically, if you've been to school, and you're not a complete nerd, you like weekends.
Now, it's not that I don't like weekends, it's more that...they're boring. I just do the same thing over and over which makes for very boring reading. Seriously, imagine if your entire life was written as a published story. Wouldn't it be boring? I mean, you're taking your time to read about a crumby OC who exists for the sole purpose to make fun of the humanized versions of pastel horses. On the upside, at least you're not the one writing said crumby OC.
But, seeing as the Author very much wanted to have a weekend chapter, we're doing a weekend chapter. Fucking yay.
So I did what ninety-nine percent of the population did on Saturday morning: I woke up. Following that, I peed. After that, I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bowl, and some cinnamon-apple oatmeal mix. I filled the bowl with some water and added the mix before putting it into the microwave for two minutes. Once it finished, I let it cool for a while and then started consuming it. It should be noted that during this time period, I was wearing my pajamas the whole time, which are bright pink because why the hell not?
After I finished my oatmeal, I rinsed the bowl out and put it in the dishwasher. I then proceeded to brush my teeth, take a shower, dry off, gaze at my horrible bony physique in the mirror, put some clothes on, not bothering with a bra, because I really didn't need it. Earth-chan may not be flat, but I sure am! With my hair a damp mess, I walked over to the shoebox that I was keeping Suessette the Rosy Boa in to check on her. Unsurprisingly, she hadn't gotten any bigger overnight.
I decided to turn on the TV to see if anything was on, which of course there wasn't since Discovery Family aired the most recent episode of MLP earlier this morning. Seeing as that didn't work, I fired up my PS3, since I can't afford a PS4, and my character's supposed to be emo, so a Nintendo Switch is out of the question too. I played something, it doesn't really matter, got bored and then proceeded to slam my forehead onto a wooden plank.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER OF THIS BULLSHIT!!?!!?!?!?!??!?! Seriously, we haven't even hit the five-hundred-word mark, and I'm supposed to go on with this?! How do you people handle weekends!? I don't care if this chapter's being written at one o'clock AM in a hotel room after the Author just went to a four-hour long rock concert which required her to be outside for eighteen hours, I need something to do, dammit!
Let's think for a moment... the mall? Oh yes, the one true stereotypical place for teenagers to hang out. Ah, fuck it. To the mall! Insert creative segway here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyAD87_zfek
The mall feels like a lame addition to the EQG universe, y'know? Like the writer's went 'Teenagers go to malls, right? Let's throw in a mall!' And thus, we were gifted with a mall, where all of the main protagonists (except for Pinkie Pie) just so happen to work. Yay...
So I changed into more presentable clothes and was off to the mall. But, figuring that I would be there all day, I decided to stop at Sugar Cube Corner. I walked into the cafe and waited in line. While I did so, someone walked up to me. Let's take a vote on who it'll be: https://www.strawpoll.me/15998557
"Good morning, Robyn. What brings you here today?" Cheerilee asked, walking up to me after leaving the counter.
"I don't know," I shrugged, "What're you doing here?"
"I'm going to a faculty meeting, and I wanted coffee," She held up a travel mug.
"To keep you awake, or to simply enjoy?" I asked, to which Cheerilee sighed.
"A little of both," She nodded. "It's nice to see you out though. I've heard that you've been spending time with some other girls lately."
"In the first two chapters, yeah," I confirmed, "But this chapter is where things go haywire and I'm stuck with going to the mall for a day."
"The mall?" Cheerilee raised an eyebrow, "I never considered you to be the kind of girl to go the mall."
"I'm not," I groaned, "But if I didn't do anything this chapter, I'd be explaining everything in my life in an over-descriptive way. And I'm pretty sure the readers don't want all the specific details about how I use the bathroom. Besides, the Author's forte is in dialogue, not details."
"Um..okay..." Cheerilee moved her eyes in different directions awkwardly, "I think I'm going to go now."
"Yeah, have fun with the faculty meeting," I shouted as she walked away, "Make sure Celestia doesn't fall asleep while eating again!" I turned and waited in line until I got the counter, where Mrs. Cake was standing taking orders.
"Good morning, dear. What would you like to start off your day?" She asked, smiling as well as she could, considering that this was the busy morning where everyone would want a simple coffee to start off the day, right? So, I shouldn't add to her troubles by getting a complex order, right? Right?
"I'd like one Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha please," I requested, while Mrs. Cake nodded and walked away to get my order ready. So, here's a lesson for you people, which is one of the only ones I'll teach. When ordering an item, it's okay to get a complex order. It's their fault if they screw it up since they're there to provide you with food. But never, ever start off your order by saying 'I need.' It's rude, and it basically says that you're a massive asshole, and you don't care about the little guy who gets by working at a place that serves food. Because here's the thing: You don't need a Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha to survive the day. You want a Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha. It'd be nice to have one, but it's a privilege. You don't need it.
Why am I bringing this up since it seems to go against the fact that I'm a massive bitch? Simple: The Author works at a fast-food joint and gets really peeved when people who say 'I need'. Basically, be nice to people who handle your food, because they're probably having a worse day than you are, and you don't need to add onto it.
"Here you are, dear," Mrs. Cake handed me my drink, "One Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha. That'll be seven-fifty."
"That's a little steep for coffee," I replied, pulling out my debit card from my jacket pockets. Purses are dumb.
"Normal coffee is only a dollar-fifty," Mrs. Cake explained, taking my card, "But your order was more...complex, so it costs more."
"It makes sense," I agreed, "I'm not saying that it's wrong, it's just...annoying, from a customer financial standpoint."
"We have to make a profit somehow," Mrs. Cake groaned, swiping my card.
"Hence why I'm still buying the coffee," I smiled, and took my card back.
"As long as you enjoy it, we're happy," Mrs. Cake handed me my receipt.
"And as long as you get a profit," I grinned slyly and shoved my receipt into my jacket pocket.
"Have a good day, dear," Mrs. Cake said as I walked away.
"You too," I replied, and walked out of the shop. I took a sip of my drink.
They used milk chocolate instead of white chocolate...
I got to the mall shortly after noon and had absolutely no idea where to go. It's a mall...yay? So I wandered for a while and realized I was hungry. So I went to the food court. Let's see...where could I eat? Applejack worked at a drink place but seeing as my last drink was wrong and was thrown into the nearest face of Flash Sentry, plus I interacted with AJ in the prelude, and I don't want to talk to her again until her chapter, so who haven't I talked to that works at a food area of the mall...?
Do you like sushi? I like sushi. So how about some sushi? And Sunset Shimmer works there, so it'll give me a good way to introduce her chapter later on.
I found the place she works and walked inside. It had the generic Japanese decor you'd expect at a mall, and I was seated at a booth, and I was told a server would be there shortly. And guess who that server was!
"Hello, and welcome to Chef Shimi's Sushi. My name is Sunset and I will be your waitress today. Could I start you off with something to drink?" She set a menu down in front of me and had a friendly smile on her face. Let's face it, Sunset possibly represents the element of kindness better than Fluttershy.
"Why, hello, Sunny-Sunny Shim-Shim!" I replied, trying to be emotional without being obnoxious, "Fancy meeting you here!"
Sunset's smiled faded momentarily as she thought for a moment. "I know you, don't I? From school?"
"Maybe," I nodded, "I'm Robyn. I touched your boobs once. And might I say, you have a nice pair up there."
Sunset blushed. D'aww, the Sunset was turning into a red giant. "I'm not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out..."
"How about a little of both, huh?" I suggested and opened my menu. "What kind of pop products do you have?"
"Pepsi," Sunset replied quickly. Clearly, she knew the menu.
"I'll take the strawberry lemonade," I said, catching Sunset by surprise.
"Oh, um...okay," Sunset nodded, "I'll be right back with your food."
So while we patiently wait for Sunny to return, here's a fun fact: The Author has never had sushi! Seriously! It's not that she doesn't want any, it's that she has no idea what to get. Basically, she has nowhere locally to get sushi. It's terrible, and really sad too. Hopefully, we can remedy this by the time we reach Sunset's chapter.
"Here's your strawberry lemonade," Sunset set the drink on the table, and pulled out a notepad and a pen. "Are you ready to order?"
"Not really, mostly because the Author knows nothing about sushi, and therefore I have no idea what to get," I looked up. Any suggestions?"
"Well, it depends," Sunset stroked her chin, "What're you in the mood for? A full meal, or a snack?"
"More of a snack, really," I replied.
"Well, then a Makizushi roll would work better, though how much flavor do you want?" Sunset asked, "A large amount of flavor, or just a little?"
"Is there an in-between?" I asked, tapping the wooden table I was sitting at.
"There is actually," Sunset nodded, "You'd like a Chumaki roll. Any idea what you want for filling? I'd personally recommend Anakyu, which is water eel and cucumber."
"I'll go with that then," I confirmed.
"So," Sunset began writing on her notepad, "One order of Chumaki Anakyu, right?"
"That's right," I confirmed.
"Great," Sunset smiled, "We'll have that out for you as soon as possible." She walked away, and I gazed at her as she did so. Now that I think about it, if there was one word that described Sunset Shimmer perfectly, following her reformation and the fact that she's wearing a discount kimono, 'cute' would definitely be a contender. 'Hot' would be good too, but only since it's a pun.
I waited for a while, twiddling my thumbs, trying to think of what to do my sushi. After all, I still wanted to do more today.
When Sunset returned with my order, she gave me a happy 'Enjoy!' and proceeded to take the order of another customer. I began eating my sushi, and I can't tell you how it tasted since the Author's never had sushi! I eventually paid for my meal and left the sushi joint to...go do something else.
Let's see...who's important enough to notice in a chapter of this story, but not important enough to get their own chapter dedicated to them...
"Come one, come all, to the greatest magic ever seen by human eyes!" Gee, it would be her, wouldn't it? "Come and witness the glorious magic performed by The Great and Powerful Trixie!"
Trixie, the resident quack magician, was standing on the fountain in the middle of the mall with a box of props next to her. A small crowd had gathered around her, and she had put on her trademark magician's hat and cloak. I joined the crowd and looked onward.
"For my first trick," Trixie began, pulling off her hat, "I shall pull a rabbit out of my hat!" The audience groaned, and sighed, "Sigh not, my audience, for this is no ordinary rabbit!" The audience's interest perked back up. "For it is...a stuffed rabbit!" Trixie pulled out a rabbit plushie will all of the pride she could muster, before getting booed by the audience. "No...wait, please, Trixie isn't finished!" She pleaded, but the audience had all but dispersed. Everyone except me that is.
Trixie stood there with her head hung down, and she sighed. She tossed the plushie into her box, along with her hat, before looking up and noticing me. "What're you still doing here? Going to make fun of my tricks some more?"
"You said you weren't done," I replied, and Trixie tilted her head in confusions.
"I beg your pardon?" She asked.
"When everybody was walking away from your lame trick, you pleaded 'Trixie isn't finished!' before feeling defeated," I shrugged, "I just thought it was an opener. After all, nobody's ever pulled a stuffed rabbit out of a hat before."
"I know, right?" Trixie exclaimed, "People only pull real animals out of hats. No one expects fake ones. I mean-" She cut herself off and narrowed her eyes. "Wait...who are you again?"
"Robyn," I said, "We go to the same school. I'm in your P.E. class. I also licked your face once."
"Oh, we do go to the same school!" Trixie nodded, "I thought there was WAIT, YOU LICKED MY FACE!?!?"
"I thought about your hair," I confessed, "But I thought your face might taste like marshmallows. It did too."
"B-b-b-b-b-b-but why would you do that!? I mean," Trixie regained her composure and jabbed her finger out at me, "How dare you lick the face of the Great and Powerful Trixie!?"
"Easily, like this," I walked up, stuck out my tongue and licked Trixie across the face.
She pushed me back, and let out a sound of disgust, "Eww....that's disgusting!" She bellowed, "Why did you do that?!"
"Because I thought it'd be funny," I smirked, "Besides, the readers probably weren't expecting it."
"I wasn't expecting it!" Trixie shouted, taking a threatening step toward me.
"Like you weren't expecting this?" Without any semblance of warning, and with my hands still in my jacket pockets, I leaned forward and kissed her full on the mouth. She still tasted like marshmallows. I wonder if she ate any before the show. Better question though: Did I taste like sushi?
"Well... this was fun," I pursed my lips and nodded. "If you ever want to get together or something, just let me know!" I turned around and started walking away. "You're actually really cute! The bronies think so too!"
I know what you're wondering, dear reader. Why the ever-loving hell did I kiss Trixie? It's simple: I would've fucked her, but this is a rated teen fic.
Also, I was curious is her mouth tasted like marshmallows too.
I wandered around the mall some more, waved at Fluttershy, who was working at the animal shelter, waved at Twilight, who was working at discount Radioshack and went to theaters to watch a movie. It was called 'Power Ponies' or something. It sucked. Horrendously.
After the movie, I realized it was around dinner time, so I went back to the food court. I walked past the fountain and saw that Trixie was still standing there. So I licked her on the cheek again. By the time I got to the food court, it was pretty busy. Have you ever seen a mall's food court during the dinner hour? It's horrible. I swear you wait longer for a smoothie than you do for a tiny meal at a five-star restaurant.
Speaking of smoothie's Applejack's store wasn't busy! Guess where I'm going!
Is it:
A. Home, B. Applejack's Store C: The Sushi Store Sunset works at, D: I'm going to kiss Trixie again
I feel like the answer should be obvious. So much for not talking to her today, huh? I walked up to AJ's store where she was cutting up apples with a dismal expression on her face. "Evening, Cereal. I see you're currently lacking customer's."
"Oh, howdy Robyn," Applejack replied, "I guess we're just not as liked as we used to be."
"Well, I just want something tasty, edible, and doesn't contain anything from that plant over there," I pointed to a grass display behind her, "I know you used it in the 'Shake Things Up' music video, which is one, gross, and B, just plain weird. I'd rather have something off the menu."
"Well, what would ya like, Robyn?" AJ asked, pointing up at the menu.
I scanned over the items for a few moments, before shrugging and saying 'I'd like an Orange Julius. Oh, and if you start singing a crumby, poppy, modern-y song about mixing smoothies, I'm going to climb over this counter, and punch you in the face. I don't care if you're ten times stronger than me. This is fanfiction territory, and I'll do whatever I damn well please!"
Applejack sighed, "Well, so much for somethin' interestin'. One Orange Julius coming right up." The Cereal human prepared my beverage within a couple of minutes and handed it to me. "That'll be three-fifty."
I handed her my debit card. "Everything costs so much these days..."
Applejack rang up my drink and gave my card back. "Have a good evenin'." She smiled.
"Go suck an apple," I replied, and walked away. At this point, I decided to leave the mall. I passed by the fountain again and licked Trixie again. I walked out of the mall and while walking in the parking lot under the stars, I stopped and took I sip of my Orange Julius.
"Dammit, she put the grass in it!"
It was around eight o'clock by the time I got home. I was hungry, seeing as I hadn't eaten since lunch. I was thirsty, seeing as I ran across town just so I could throw my Orange Julius into Flash Sentry's face. And finally, I was tired, since I actually had to go out and do something today.
I got out of my clothes, leaving myself in just my panties and put on a sweatshirt to cover my torso, and walked into the kitchen. I got a bowl of ramen ready, and a glass of water. I sat down on my sofa and accessed Netflix. I put on some bullshit show and ate my instant noodles. Truly, the meal of kings.
Upon my belly being full, and the show over, I walked back into the kitchen, rinsed my bowl and glass, and put them in the dishwasher. Seeing as it was mostly full, I added soap and started a cycle. I walked back into my bathroom, peed, brush my teeth and put in my retainer (I had braces a few years ago.) I returned to the living room, and lowered the temperature on the thermostat by about three degrees, and turned off all the lights. I went into my room, took off the sweatshirt, and climbed into bed. I stared at my rotating ceiling fan for about ten minutes, and then I realized something.
Almost thirty-five hundred words, over one hundred paragraphs, and three Trixie lickings had happened this chapter, and do you know what the worst part it?
So you might be wondering 'Why did she skip Sunday?' Well, to put it simply...
WEEKENDS SUCK!!!!
In case you hadn't figured that out yet, there you go, in large font, italics and bolded for your reading pleasure. If you have any complaints, please send all hate mail to this address: Westminster, London SW1A 1AA, UK.
Ignoring the existence of the previous day, I woke up Monday morning thinking one thing: I want oatmeal. So, after a shower and not bothering to comb my hair or apply any makeup (the purple bags under my eyes are all the color I need), I walked into my kitchen and looked into the cupboard.
No oatmeal. Well, there goes breakfast... I checked on Suessette. She was doing okay. I put some clothes on and walked outside. And at that point, I realized I should've packed an umbrella. But that would make sense, so I walked into a large amount of water falling from the sky with no reservations and proceeded to school.
Once again stopping at Sugar Cube Corner, I walked up to Mrs. Cake, soaking wet, and asked, "Can I have a Salted Caramel White Chocolate Mocha, please?" Mrs. Cake nodded and got my drink ready.
"Anything else, dear?" She asked.
"Do you guys have any oatmeal?" I pondered.
Mrs. Cake stopped and looked at me curiously. "Why would we have oatmeal?"
"Plot convenience, maybe?" I sighed, "I'm hungry, okay? You guys have anything fresh and cheap?"
"We have some strawberry muffins," Mrs. Cake rubbed her chin, "And some bagels."
"I'll take a strawberry muffin," I said, pulling out my debit card.
"Would you like any butter or jelly?" Mrs. Cake asked.
"Butter, please." I nodded. I handed Mrs. Cake my card, and she swiped it and gave me it back, as well as my order.
"Have a good day!" She replied, jovially.
"Yeah, that'd be nice..." I groaned and walked out of the cafe in the rain. I shoved the bag containing the muffin into my coat to protect it from the rain and took a sip of my mocha. This time, they actually used white chocolate. But there was just normal caramel... dammit.
By the time I got to school, there were about thirteen minutes until homeroom, so I decided to go to my locker (I have a locker now!) I put on my code, 10-42-32, and opened my locker. Inside was absolutely nothing because I don't understand personalizing something that you'll lose next year. And can you guess who I have a locker next to? (Let's see...rolling a D20, adding dexterity bonus, and...)
"Hi, Robyn!" Pinkie Pie shouted, popping up next to me.
"Oh, hi, Pinkie Pie," I yawned, and proceeded to vigorously shake my head back and forth like a dog to get all of the water off of me, making my already frizzy and gross hair even frizzier and grosser!
"Whatcha doin'?" Pinkie Pie asked, bobbing up and down on her feet.
"Currently, standing in front of my locker waiting for the point of this chapter to kick in," I said, "And some oatmeal."
"Oatmeal?!" Pinkie gasped, "Are you crazy?!"
"Season one, episode three," I replied. "What was it called again? 'The Ticket Winner'?"
"Master," Pinkie corrected, "But you can't have oatmeal for breakfast silly! You need something scrumptious!"
"Did you really just say 'scrumptious'?" I asked, "The Author had to use autocorrect to figure out how to spell that!"
"Don't you mean 'Grammarly'?" Pinkie asked, putting her hands behind her back and bobbing on her ankles.
"Same difference," I rolled my eyes, "What do you want?"
"Oh, I have a message!" The mass of pink positrons reached into her hair and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. I unfolded it and read it in my head:
Robyn,
Good Morning! I'm your new school counselor, and I'm sending you a note to let you know that our appointment is set to right after lunch. If you miss it, I promise that you'll have more problems than you'd like. I hope you're smarter than your grades would make it seem. Also, I thought I'd bring some snacks. What do you prefer: Butterscotch or cinnamon? Please let Ms. Pie know so that she can tell me when she returns. I'll see you later!
P.S. You don't dislike either butterscotch or cinnamon, do you? Again, please let Ms. Pie know. I'll see you after lunch. Toodleloo!
I looked up from the note to the brink blue orbs that were Pinkie Pie's eyeballs. "So, which is it? Butterscotch or cinnamon?" Clearly, the pink positron had read the note.
"Caramel," I replied, handing the note back to her.
Pinkie smiled and shoved the slip of paper back in her hair. "Caramel it is then!" She grinned and proceeded to skip down the hallway. I closed my locked door and proceeded to the library. After all, it was the only place the term 'peace and quiet' existed.
I plopped down in one of the bookshelves and pulled out a book from the shelf I was leaning against, opening it to a random page. I read the first passage of the page:
As usual, Charlotte was trying to control the situation with gentle skill, Brad thought. She wanted Cam to leave and she didn't want him to talk to Brad until she could find a discreet way to ease Brad out on his ass. Well, he couldn't blame her. She valued Cam's career more than his brother did and was always on guard to protect it.
"I'm not going anywhere until you make me a promise." Cam stared Brad in the eye. "Will you be here?"
Brad glanced at the faint frown between Charlotte's eyes and then smiled slyly. "You couldn't budge me."
"Great." Cam slapped him on the shoulder before turning away. "Come on, Charlotte. Let's get this thing over with." He strode out of the library.
I closed the book and dropped it on the floor. I didn't care about it, and it seemed dumb. Probably a shitty romance novel. Although the last line stuck with me, so I strode out of the library.
Have you ever wondered what if feels like to walk for an eternity? Well, seeing as I recently finished Babylon 5, I can imagine that walking across the 5-mile long space station would feel like an eternity. However, walking from lunch to the counselor's office felt like that 5-mile long space station. Forget the walk for eternity part, it's kinda dumb.
We're cutting out my school day, as that's about as interesting as burnt toast with cottage cheese dumped on it. Sure, it sounds interesting in theory, but it's not really something you'd consume unless you're crazy or just have really fucked up taste buds.
Anyway, with lunch slowly beginning to make its long journey through my intestinal tract, I found my way to the counselor's office, which oddly looked like the same office Vice Principal Luna used. Coincidence? Well, since every hallway in this school looks the same, I'm going to say yes. But, this is what happens when 90% of the budget goes to the pony show as opposed to the high school show.
I grasped the doorknob, twisted it clockwise, and entered the counselor's office. It was actually different from the rest of the school, with most of the area being constructed of dark wood, with bookshelves lining either side of the small room. And rather than school pictures and doctorate degrees lining the walls, there were posters. I saw a Star Wars one, a Doctor Who one, hell I'm pretty sure there was a Babylon 5 one. There was a decently sized wooden desk near the window, and standing behind it was a tall man in a four-buttoned brown pinstripe suit, with a light blue dress shirt and brown tie. His face kinda reminded me of a weasel and his hair was slightly longer on top and spike upwards. His brown eyes shown with life and he grinned. "Hello! You must be Robyn, right?"
"OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD." I groaned upon realizing who this guy was. "You gotta be kidding me."
"Nice to meet you," the man said, walking around his desk and towards me, "My name is Time Turner, er, Doctor Time Turner, actually, but I don't like flaunting it. I gotta admit, I'm actually pretty surprised you showed up. Considering your track record, I expected to have to employ Pinkie Pie to track you down."
"Pinkie Pie?" I questioned.
"Oh, yes," Turner replied, going back to his desk. "She's a bit enthusiastic, but she's a fantastic baker and overall just a massive sweetheart. She's the kind of person who would never leave you once you became friends, and would always offer a helping hand. There aren't many people like that in this world, unfortunately, which is what makes people like Pinkie Pie so rare and so special. We must learn to cherish people like that."
"Wow," I chuckled, "Not even thirty seconds in your office and you're already lecturing me."
"Call it a hobby," Turner replied and gestured to the simple chair in front of his desk, "Have a seat, Miss...um...what's your last name? It's not listed in your file for some reason."
"My...last name?" This honestly caught me off guard. I was not expecting this schmuck to be so friendly. Honestly, I was more expecting someone along the lines of the principal from The Breakfast Club. "My last name... Well, let's go with Anarchy."
Turner genuinely raised an eyebrow and stared at me with skepticism. "Anarchy? Really? T-That's your last name?"
"Sure, why not?" I shrugged, "Maybe this will add fuel to fan theory that I'm actually the long-lost sister of two fallen angels who are from a weird anime that has a 90s Cartoon Network aesthetic."
"Riiiiiiight..." Turner trailed off, glancing around the room, before breaking out into a small chuckle. "So...you're my first student."
"Yep," I acknowledged, "Apparently touching another girl's butt is wrong, so here I am."
"Yeeaah, about that," Turner said, sitting down behind his desk and looking through a folder, "It says that you touched twenty students in their nether regions."
"Is that really what it says?" I asked, genuinely curious, "Because I was just kinda running by and slapped them on their butts. Y'know, as a sign of affection or something. I called it 'My Raunchy Run'. It's funny because it's a sex joke."
"Oh dear..." Turner stroked his chin, "So...what made you do these actions?"
"Hormones, probably," I answered, sitting down across from him, "Either that or I'm fueling the author's perverted fantasies."
Turner stroke his chin and signed. "Well, this is going to be tricky...so have you made a friend?"
I raised a finger immediately only lower it again. "Yeah...a...friend...um...does Pinkie Pie count?"
"No," Turner groaned, "Pinkie Pie is everyone's friend." Turner was then cut off by a knock on his door. "Speak of the devil, come in!"
The door was slammed open by one perky party human carrying a pan of freshly baked cupcakes. "Hello, Mr. Turner!" She walked up behind me and pushed the pan in front of my face, with her fluffy pink hair plopping down in front of my nose and mouth. "I wasn't sure which flavor you wanted, so I made a few of each! These ones are caramel, these ones are cinnamon, and these ones are butterscotch!"
I wanted to pay attention, I really did, but I can honestly say that I was completely overtaken by the smell and feel of Pinkie Pie. Her hair smelled like fresh baked goods (though that could be the muffins) and her chest was pressed against my shoulder. She leaned forward and looked at me with her big, blue eyes, a smile plastered on her face. I'd never really considered Pinkie Pie as a romantic partner, but now...
"...you think?" She asked, and I realized that I'd been busy fantasizing rather than paying attention to her words.
"Huh?" I groaned, pulling myself back into existence.
"What do you think?" Pinkie reiterated, her cute face looking a little more desperate.
"Oh, um...they're...cute?" I stuttered, trying to find any words that I could speak that didn't make me seem like a maniac.
"How could you know without tasting them?" She asked, being surprisingly blunt. Noting her words, I grabbed one of the caramel muffins and took a deep bite out of it. I was suddenly overcome with an intense amount of flavor. It was really sweet, but it wasn't too much. It made me salivate with hunger, though maybe the baker who made them also had something to do with it.
"W-wow..." I gasped, "It's really good."
"Yay!" Pinkie cheered, jumping to her feet, "I'm glad you like them! I don't know what I'd do if someone didn't like my sweets."
"Oh, you're sweet alright..." I said under my breath, though it seems the pink one heard me.
"Aw, thanks!" Pinkie grinned, putting her hands behind her back.
"Thank you, Pinkie," Dr. Turner interrupted, who was peeling the foil off of one of the cinnamon muffins, "You can go."
"Glad I could help!" Pinkie shouted back, and skipped out of the office, closing the door behind her.
Turner sighed, "Well, I see the rumors are true."
"Which ones?" I asked, taking another bite out of my muffin.
"The ones of you being perverted," Turner replied, looking at a certain piece of paper. "According to an online Twitter survey, Pinkie Pie is considered to be the fifth most attractive woman in this school, behind Adagio Dazzle in fourth, Twilight Sparkle in third, Rarity in second and Sunset Shimmer in first. Considering your track record, I also believed that food would help sway you. And I was right. You were practically drooling over the poor girl."
"Well, she is a little cute, but-" my mind suddenly made a realization over a couple of things, "Wait a minute, Adagio is only fourth?! This is a mistake! This has to be an editing error! Where's the proofreader?!"
"Excuse me, Ms. Anarchy, but that isn't the main issues here-"
"Also," I continued, "How'd you get this info, huh? Aren't you a teacher? Couldn't you be fired for sexual harassment?"
Turner chuckled, "No, as I merely discovered this survey whilst browsing the web. The survey is was actually formed by a 'Savage Smash Boi @boiwhosmashesdempantsu'."
I couldn't help but chuckle. If Turner was reading this aloud, he either didn't know what he was talking about, or he was actually a really cool guy who didn't care about appearances. Considering the character he's based on, I'd say it was the former.
"Anyway, Ms. Anarchy," Turner continued, "I think you and I need to find a simple way to fix this problem. So, let's make a plan."
"No, not a plan," I said, completely deadpan.
"Yes, well," Turner glanced at a calendar, "I'm suggesting you see me every Monday and Friday. On Friday's we can talk about how your week went, and on Monday's we can set a goal for the week. Sound good?"
"Do I have a choice?" I asked, twirling a lock of my hair.
"No," Turner smiled, and stood from his desk. "Your goal this week is simple: Make at least two new friends."
"Two?" I gasped, "C'mon, Turner! I'm extremely socially awkward! How the hell am I, a socially awkward emo reflection of the Author supposed to make two friends in one week?! That's like asking Stephen Hawking to get into voice acting! It's just not gonna happen! Why? One, because he's dead, and two, because he couldn't speak properly."
"Oh, you can do it Robyn Anarchy," Dr. Turner warned, "Or else you won't be here for the rest of the school year. And I have a feeling expulsion won't work well for your narrative."
"Hm..." I rubbed my chin, "You got a point there...but who to befriend...wait a minute! I got it!" I jumped to my feet and slammed my fist down on the desk for emphasis. "I'LL FUCK RAINBOW DASH!!!"
Turner's eyes widened. "I'm sorry?"
"FRIEND!" I corrected, hopefully, "Friend Rainbow Dash! She's a nice person, right? She'll befriend me, right?"
"Well, it's up to you." Turner shrugged.
"Yes," I agreed, "yes it is. I have P.E. with Dash after this, so this will be a perfect time to T-pose and assert my dominance! There's no way she can resist my feminine charms! I mean, she's gay, right?!"
"Uh..." Turner lacked a response, which was perfect, "I...uh...don't know..."
"So here's the deal, Doc," I stood up, putting my hands on my hips, "I've already made friends with Sci-Twi and Fluttershee, right? So, now I have to make friends with two more people, right? And since everybody and their dog is already friends with Pinkie Pie, so I need to find two other people and become friends with them. And if I can become friends with Rainbow Dash, I can become friends with anybody!"
"Well, uh..." Dr. Turner stuttered, looking through his notes, "My research says that Rainbow is one of the more stubborn students, and often considers physical ability above other things, so... I suppose that would work. But you have to be careful. If you do anything that could be considered inappropriate, you'll be facing Principal Celestia."
"Don't worry, Doc," I crossed my arms with confidence, "I'd never do anything like that!" Turner simply stared at me, calling my bluff, "Okay, I would, but not right now. I'm not really attracted to Rainbow Dash. She's too fit for me."
"Uh-huh," Turner stood up, now asserting his dominance being nearly a foot taller than me, "Listen, Robyn. You have to be very careful. Otherwise, you'll find yourself in more trouble than you were before."
"Yeah...anyway, can I get to class?" I asked, groaning.
Turner sighed and waved off his hand. I happily skipped out of his office, cracking my knuckles. I already had my next scheme in the works, and it involved taking the girl with the rainbow hair bringing out her inner gayness.
