A Cynical Pony

by TwiPON3

5: Contacting Home (Counter to 'Clues')

Sunday 25 March 2018 11:45, Hayburger, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

---

Starlight Glimmer had taken me to this place called Hayburger or something.

"When do you think the others should be finished with that doodad to let me call home?"

"Soon," she said, taking another bite of her sandwich, "You haven't even touched yours, yet. Why?"

I held up what were now a pair of hooves and looked at her, "The soda's good, though."

"Don't worry," she said, "most ponies would just go at it with their mouths."

"I'm a human, supposedly."

"Try to get it like you would if you were using your fists."

It actually tasted good. But bland. Starlight Glimmer saw it on my face, so she levitated some ketchup and barbecue sauce over to me, which I half-doused on the sandwich.

"Better?"

"Yeah. It's really hard adjusting to this place."

"It can get under your skin, that's for sure."

I smiled, "Damn sub-dermal irritants."

"Then you've got ponies bugging you."

"Damn pests."

"And lastly, you've got the whole trip to go through."

"Damn trips."

We both just looked at each other for a second before Starlight Glimmer broke the silence.

"I think we'll get along just fine."

"Will you try to hug me anymore?"

"Nuh-uh. I can tell you don't like it."

"I think we'll get along just fine."

"I wonder if turning into a pony... kinda... from a human is like turning from a pony to a human," Starlight Glimmer said, getting my attention as I was finishing the soda.

"What the hell are you getting at, Starlight Glimmer?"

"You can just call me Starlight. And, yeah. I know it sounds weird, but it's actually true."

"After all of the crap I've seen, I'll believe you when you say that magic is something in a literal sense."

"Yeah. That's kinda the way it works around here."

"All of this color scares me."

"What?"

"I'm colorblind, but it's not working here."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't see color as good as everyone else."

"Isn't that depressing?"

"How was it being a human for the first time?" I asked, getting up for a refill.

Why did I bring that up, dammit?

"What was it like for you? Becoming a human."

"There's this really cool high school."

"Mine's a form of hell."

I sat back down.

"The co-principals are really nice and understanding."

"Angela Li bitches about security and does illegal things for money."

She looked very uncomfortable.

"Okay."

"The teachers are nice."

"My English teacher is a sensitive crybaby, my US History teacher hates his life, evident by one of the tests he gave with one of the answer choices being, and I quote, 'God, I hate my life', realizing that the most he can ever hope3 for is a car with a roof that doesn't leak when it rains because of his job, which combines the stress of a neurosurgeon with the pay of a video store clerk, the art teacher is almost a 1960s-style optimist, an Economics teacher who writes everything in the style of football plays, and the Science teacher is an extreme and violent feminist who swore off men after a bitter divorce twenty-two years ago and claims them all as 'inferior specimens' with the exception of Timothy O'Neil, aka 'The Crybaby English teacher'."

She looked like she was going to vomit, "Okay. Let's move on to something else, right?"

Just then, a crazy Pink pony burst into the restaurant with a large confetti cannon, then filled my entire field of vision, "You're Daria, right?" she said, quickly looking at me, "Oh, of course you are, silly! You're wearing big, round glasses! My name's Pinkie Pie! Princess Twilight told me to come get you and Starlight because her, Fluttershy, Applejack, Dash, Sunset, Rarity, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, aka Princess Cadence, and Shining Armor thinks that we have a way where you can talk to where once from you were!" she triggered the confetti cannon, making a big mess.

"Who?"

I'm gonna say what's on my mind to these ponies soon. And my cynicism has no mercy, matching my lack of conscience and ability to give a damn.

---

Twilight's Council Room

---

"You must be Miss Daria Morgendorffer," a tall, white horse with a horn and wings said, "I'm Princess Celestia."

If this goes south, my lack of conscience, brain, and bitter 90s cynicism will help me get through this.

"Wasn't there something about me being able to phone home?"

The pink monstrosity gasped, "You haven't once smiled since you got here!!! I need to know what I'm working with!"

It'll be easier than breathing.

"SHOW ME!!!"

I smiled briefly just like I had done at that idiot's nut stand in the mall, causing Pinkie's mane to deflate somewhat and her to be sad.

"What the hell just happened?"

"Let's... get to that later," Sunset Shimmer said, levitating a plastic slab with Gorilla Glass to me.

"What's this?"

"A phone?" she replied as if I was being an asshole.

"I'm sorry, but phones don't look like a box of cards with glass."

"You... oh, sorry. I forgot that anything like that for you is generally gonna big and bulky."

I sighed, "Hand it over."

She did something to it, then it started making the same sound a phone does when you use the Internet. After a minute, she slid it to me across the table.

While we were waiting, Pinkie Pie took a spot-on "guess" about what my situation was, and then defied the laws of physics by counting off everyone I knew on one hoof. Each.

What the hell?

"Is the damn thing ready?"

I heard people I knew talking through the paperweight.

"Can anyone hear me on this thing?" I said over the noise.

"Daria?" Mom said.

"Will someone get me the hell out of here?"

"Um," Fluttershy, going by the pony that I was barely paying half-attention to earlier, said, "I know they're, um, your friends and all, but, um, maybe you could be a little nicer?"

"Daria, because you make me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates, I'll kill those imbeciles who kidnapped you!!"

You go, Mr DeMartino.

"Eep!"

"What Anthony means is- Whoa!"

"OUT!!! NOW!!!"

"What's going on?" the cerulean winged-horse-pegasus said.

"Who's that?" Mom asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Jane replied, "Daria, what's it like in there?"

"I wish I was still blind in both ways."

"You don't need your glasses?"

"No. Everything is colorful. It scares me."

"And you're there without a Polaroid?"

"Don't threaten to take its life. It never did anything to you."

"What's a 'Polaroid', Darling?"

"It must be a living hell in there."

"I would read you my notes," I looked at what used to be my hands, "but considering the fact that I don't have damn fingers anymore, I couldn't get any."

"What would you say describes it?"

"What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me. I hope this is a really bad nightmare brought on by my dad's Kitchen Sink Stew. I'm slowly losing my mind, and my humanity."

"Come on. It can't be that bad!"

"He forgot the number for 911."

I heard our call-waiting, "This may be Amy. She's worried, too."

"Lovely. I'm talking to my friend, teacher, principal, and earlier, my mom and sister from a different reality over a plastic slab with Gorilla Glass across realities, I have a growth out my ass, I'm losing everything that makes me exist, and I'm stuck in Happy Land with no way of getting home. Not to mention that it's almost two decades in the future here, and yet they don't have TV. Not to mention something I can't say the name of, let alone describe. They say they're ponies."

"Daria?" Aunt Amy said, "Quinn called me at 01:30, and I figured that I'd come in from Delaware and help out with this."

"Aunt Amy?"

Twilight Sparkle moved me out of the way some, then began talking.

"Hi, this is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship-"

"Oh God," Jane said.

This'll be great.

"There's a portal that opens to a city called 'Canterlot' in your world. The link is down right now, but I estimate that within two weeks, I can have her back."

"I live in Lawndale, Maryland."

"Twilight?" Sunset Shimmer said, "Canterlot is in California."

"So? I'm sure that it's not that far to walk. I mean, we can both go with her!"

"No!" I snapped

"Twilight, California is 2700 miles away from Maryland."

"Daria, I'm going to go ahead and go to your house. I'll be there at around 10:30. Is it okay if I get your friend from school?"

"Please do," Mom, Quinn, myself, Mr O'Neil, Mr DeMartino, and Jane said, essentially at the same time.

The phone started making the same sound that mine does at home when Wind comes over and uses the Internet as a marriage-fixing guide for a minute.

"Daria," Quinn said, "Can you hear me? Are you alright?"

"Judging by what color my arms are, based solely around the normally unusually-weak cone cells in my eyes that are actually working for once, I'd say I'm getting hypothermia."

"What!?"

"Hy-po-ther-mi-a."

"What's that?"

"I'm blue."

"I'll have some cocoa steaming hot for when you get back! Or if we find you first, I should probably have a thermos or two with me," Quinn said as the Fashion Club came in the already-packed room.

"Quinn," Sandi said, "Why are you at your house moping? She wasn't even popular."

"Go away. She's my sister."

This is getting interesting.

Her statement was met with Sandi's laughter.

"I'm sorry, Quinn!" Stacy said, beginning to cry.

"It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. It was Sandi that was a heartless bitch. Can you and Tiffany come over?"

"Tell the heartless, self-absorbed bitch off, Quinn," I said to myself, smiling briefly.

My statement was met by shocked expressions.

"Sure, Quinn," the third member replied, slowly.

"I'm going to regret going, but I'll do it," Jane said, referring to the fact she'd be around the fashion club, "Amy, I'll wait for you at Daria's."

"Alright," Aunt Amy said, before hanging up, "I'm leaving my house now."

"Now to get Mom and Aunt Rita to quit fighting for twenty-five minutes," I said into the hunk of plastic.

"What?" someone whispered.

The brick made a series of beeps that started at a high pitch, then became lower for about a second.

"Jane? Hello?"

"I think the connection just dropped," Sunset Shimmer explained.

"Oh, God," I said, stumbling and getting lightheaded, "Wake me up when this dream is over."

I fell onto the floor, asleep.

Comments

[Corn]

Is there anything in this chapter?

[sterling arrow]

?

[TwiPON3]

8827156
When I make a new chapter, I hit the publish button then so I don't forget it. Sorry for keeping you for over half an hour. The reason it was blank was because I had writer's block, so I couldn't figure out where to start. I think I've finally settled on something.

[TwiPON3]

8827147
When I make a new chapter, I hit the publish button then so I don't forget it. Sorry for keeping you for over half an hour. The reason it was blank was because I had writer's block, so I couldn't figure out where to start. I think I've finally settled on something.

[Dash_lover]

Is the main character anthro while the others are normal or are they all anthro?

[TwiPON3]

8827249
Yes. I don't know how to indicate that in the story. The native Equestrians (including Sunset Shimmer from MLPEG) are all normal ponies, while Daria is anthro. If I end up taking some characters from Lawndale (slim chance at best) and putting them in Equestria, they'll be anthro, too.

[FTR2017]

Huh, so this chapter clarifies my question that happened in the previous one.

I'd still like to re-read it when fixed. Pls do.