Confused But Not Alone
Drip. Drip. Drip. What's that sound? I opened my eyes to see where that sound was coming from. The bright sunlight blinded my eyes for a few seconds before they adjusted revealing to me a bright large room. I looked around confused, I was in a room with a large window in front of me with rain being the sound I was looking out from. 'Why am I here?' I thought to myself while sitting up on my bed using my... Arms? I was compelled to use that word but I was not sure if it was the right term to use. But why would I think it is not?
Ringing. Where was that sound coming from? I turned my head looking towards a bedside table with a flat black glassy-thing on top of it. It was flashing and it was slightly vibrating. It read 'Pinkie'. That name sounded familiar for some reason but I wasn't sure where I may have seen or heard it before. There was a large green circle displayed on the left of it, saying 'answer'. I reached out my hoof... or hand... or whatever you called it, towards the green circle and tapped it.
"OOOOOOH SUNSET! WE WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU FOR NOT GOING TO SCHOOL FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS!" A loud and overly happy voice called out. It did make me jump at first. I didn't know what I was doing, but I decided to play along, for now, maybe I can get my memory freshened up in some way?
"Oh... yeah um sorry about that"
"Oh don't worry about it and wait are you okay, you sound a bit like not yourself today". Wow, what gave you that idea.
"Oh yeah, I'm good... yeah absolutely fine, haha," I said trying to sound positive, but it didn't quite seem to work, it sounded super unnatural.
"Oki Doki! Anyway, the girls and I are going to check up on you today after school". Oh no. What am I going to do if they show up? What was my name again, did she mention something like Sunrise or Sunset?.... Ok don't panic, you can still say something against this, and work out everything by yourself. Just breath. "So are you okay with that Sunset?" the girl said again startling me from my thoughts.
"Oh yeah um, I guess yeah" Okay, I think my name IS Sunset then?
"Great! We'll see you soon!". The name 'Pinkie' vanished from my weird-glassy-thingy. Did I just agree? Oh no, oh no, OH NO!!! For all, I know these people could be serial killers that are ready to kill me! Although I do suppose that girl 'Pinkie' did seem nice. Or maybe they mistook me for someone else? Oh no I have to say something!
"Pinkie, are you still there... Yeah, actually I CHANGED my mind soo please-don't-come-to-my-house-I-don't-know-who-you-are!" I cried, but no response came back from the black glass that lay on the table. I sighed knowing that I will have to 'face the music' now.
~~~~~~
"Ughrrr! Why is she not picking UP???" Pinkie cried with a slightly irritated voice, while repeatedly dialing Sunset's number.
"We should really check up on her" Rarity said with clear worry.
"Oh, what if something happened to her?" Fluttershy whispered in an unsteady voice.
"Well, duh, Sunset is fine, she literally saved us last week and helped out battle monsters like 24/7! She probs has a cold or something Flutters" said Dash confidently trying her best to comfort Fluttershy.
"I'm sure Sunset is fine, but I agree with Rarity here, she would have at least texted ONE of us by now, so I think checking up on her won't do us any harm" Twilight evaluated.
"Yeah Ah say we should all' go to 'er after school, I think Big Mac can give us a ride" suggested Applejack.
"Guys! I think she's picking up this time!!!" yelled Pinkie in excitement.
"Pinkie, you said that the last 50 times you dialed her" Rainbow said rolling her eyes. And then the phone was actually answered.
"OOOOOOH SUNSET! WE WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU FOR NOT GOING TO SCHOOL FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS!" Pinkie yelled into the speaker of her phone.
"Pinkie, give her a break she probably has a cold, don't also make her deaf" joked Rainbow.
"Oh... yeah um sorry about that," said Sunset replying to Pinkie.
"Oh don't worry about it and wait are you okay, you sound a bit like not yourself today," said Pinkie through the phone, others patiently waiting for Sunset's reply.
"Oh yeah, I'm good... yeah absolutely fine, haha,"
"Oki Doki! Anyway, the girls and I are going to check up on you today after school" Pinkie said. They waited for the reply for a few moments before Pinkie spoke up again. "So are you okay with that Sunset?"
"Oh yeah um, I guess yeah"
"Great! We'll see you soon!" Pinkie said happily then hanging up. Everyone sat there in silence for a few minutes, processing what just happened.
"Yeah, okay something is definitely up" declared Rainbow.
"Maybe, but darling let's not go into conclusion, the poor dear might have been just asleep a minute ago, maybe she was just a little bit sleepy" Rarity suggested politely.
"Yeah, yeah, but I think we need to get to the bottom of things, like literally, she sounded so 'zombie' you know?" Rainbow responded.
"Well okay, she did sound a bit off, I must admit, but it doesn't mean we have to be invading her personal life," Rarity said ignoring the last part of what Rainbow said. The school bell rang signalizing the end of lunch. "I'll see you girls in a bit then," Rarity told them. They all gathered their own things from the music room and packed them quickly to not be late to tutor.
"I'll text all of you when my brother can get us to Sunset's" Applejack quickly added before hurrying off.
~~~~~~
2 hours later
Ding Dong "Sunset open the door it's us!"
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Okay, I took a look at this story, and I can offer some advice right off the bat. As far as POV goes, you don't need to label whose POV it is. Just do regular scene transitions.
Second, there is no such thing as the "Rainboom's POV". What I mean is, you can't have a point of view for multiple characters. Even if they're in a group, you need to pick one to focus on.
Third, I noticed that you mixed first and third person point of view. Do not do that. Most times it seems weird and clashes. I've only heard of one author that was able to pull off using first and third in a novel and not make it seem weird. In a story like this, I think multiple third person would serve you the best.
8758619
Thank you for the advice, I'll follow it while editing it. And yes I wasn't quite sure if I should have added the point of views but added them just in case, so I won't add them if they are unnecessary. With the 3rd and 1st person, I will also fix that in the edited version 😄 Anyway, thanks for the feedback
8758642
EDIT: You're welcome. At this point the premise does seem interesting. I am wondering why Sunset's memory is completely gone. Though you definitely need some proofreading as well, and there are some paragraphs without spaces between them.
I'd also suggest doing something more with that last "POV"/scene change, as that's basically nothing. Every scene in a story has a function and a purpose. That thing is so brief it really adds nothing as it stands right now.
Oh, and to improve readability, I'd alternate the length of your paragraphs between large and small.
8758653
Again, thanks for the advice, I'll try to make it interesting. I think I rushed a bit too much with the ending I suppose, but I'll try to make it better soon and proofread it more, then I won't have to make too many edits in a row 😂🙂I hope you will enjoy the story more as it progresses!😄
8758668
Yeah, don't I know it. Lots of editing in a row is... well, if you've identified every point and know how you're going to change it, you can just go down a list, so it's not that hard in a sense, but at the same time, doing that can be very tedious and surprisingly tiring.
Good luck with your story and re-writes though.
8758676
Yeah, editing always takes a while, but it is always worth it. I apologize for any mistakes I may make, and I will gladly take any help and correct anything that may be wrong, thank you again 😄😅
Hmm...you've got an interesting premise, not sure about the way it's presented, though.
Yeah, the whole point of view thing is a bit odd and jarring, especially when switching mid-chapter. Pick a character and stick with them.
There are a couple ways you can write this story, but you seem to struggle to decide which one to use.
My suggestion would be to rewrite this with the following: 1) make the chapter strictly about Sunset or the Rainbooms; 2) decide of you're going to do first person (POV), or third person.
For future chapters: If you choose to write POV, pick which characters you want to write (I would do no more than three, but that's up to you).
Hope this helps, and good luck!
8758823
Yes, I think I was just struggling a bit as I don't have too many experiences with writing stories like this, so I will try to make it more 'smooth' in a way in my next edit. I have noticed now that I do indeed have to try focus on just one character, I was experimenting a bit with the different point of views but yeah it didn't quite work the way I planned so I'll just stick with one or two main 😄😅😂Thank you for the feedback!
love the story and concept. I can't wait for the next update
Greetings from Colombia
8762059
I'm glad you like it! I will try and update the story at least once a week (that is a minimum if I won't have much time), so look out for that 😄
Good start and interested in more!
Great story. I would like to see more when you get the chance.
Little known fact: serial killers are like vampires, they can’t come in without being invited. They also hate garlic but that’s another matter entirely.
Nice Story!
Keep it up!
I loved it!