• Member Since 25th Feb, 2018
  • offline last seen Nov 5th, 2018

Phoenix-Flame-Feather-24


Hello! I am a extroverted person who has a passion for both writing and art ... Also Sunset is my fav... So if you are looking for a story with her you've come to the right place!...

T

After one-night Sunset's memory is erased completely. After not going to school for over a week, everyone is worried. Her friends need to try and do whatever they can to help her... but will they have time before it is too late? And wasn't the memory stone broken too right? (Story set after the Forgotten Friendship)

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 65 )

Okay, I took a look at this story, and I can offer some advice right off the bat. As far as POV goes, you don't need to label whose POV it is. Just do regular scene transitions.

Second, there is no such thing as the "Rainboom's POV". What I mean is, you can't have a point of view for multiple characters. Even if they're in a group, you need to pick one to focus on.

Third, I noticed that you mixed first and third person point of view. Do not do that. Most times it seems weird and clashes. I've only heard of one author that was able to pull off using first and third in a novel and not make it seem weird. In a story like this, I think multiple third person would serve you the best.

8758619
Thank you for the advice, I'll follow it while editing it. And yes I wasn't quite sure if I should have added the point of views but added them just in case, so I won't add them if they are unnecessary. With the 3rd and 1st person, I will also fix that in the edited version ๐Ÿ˜„ Anyway, thanks for the feedback

8758642
EDIT: You're welcome. At this point the premise does seem interesting. I am wondering why Sunset's memory is completely gone. Though you definitely need some proofreading as well, and there are some paragraphs without spaces between them.

I'd also suggest doing something more with that last "POV"/scene change, as that's basically nothing. Every scene in a story has a function and a purpose. That thing is so brief it really adds nothing as it stands right now.

Oh, and to improve readability, I'd alternate the length of your paragraphs between large and small.

8758653
Again, thanks for the advice, I'll try to make it interesting. I think I rushed a bit too much with the ending I suppose, but I'll try to make it better soon and proofread it more, then I won't have to make too many edits in a row ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ™‚I hope you will enjoy the story more as it progresses!๐Ÿ˜„

8758668
Yeah, don't I know it. Lots of editing in a row is... well, if you've identified every point and know how you're going to change it, you can just go down a list, so it's not that hard in a sense, but at the same time, doing that can be very tedious and surprisingly tiring.

Good luck with your story and re-writes though.

8758676
Yeah, editing always takes a while, but it is always worth it. I apologize for any mistakes I may make, and I will gladly take any help and correct anything that may be wrong, thank you again ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜…

Hmm...you've got an interesting premise, not sure about the way it's presented, though.

Yeah, the whole point of view thing is a bit odd and jarring, especially when switching mid-chapter. Pick a character and stick with them.

There are a couple ways you can write this story, but you seem to struggle to decide which one to use.

My suggestion would be to rewrite this with the following: 1) make the chapter strictly about Sunset or the Rainbooms; 2) decide of you're going to do first person (POV), or third person.

For future chapters: If you choose to write POV, pick which characters you want to write (I would do no more than three, but that's up to you).

Hope this helps, and good luck!

8758823
Yes, I think I was just struggling a bit as I don't have too many experiences with writing stories like this, so I will try to make it more 'smooth' in a way in my next edit. I have noticed now that I do indeed have to try focus on just one character, I was experimenting a bit with the different point of views but yeah it didn't quite work the way I planned so I'll just stick with one or two main ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜‚Thank you for the feedback!

love the story and concept. I can't wait for the next update


Greetings from Colombia

8762059
I'm glad you like it! I will try and update the story at least once a week (that is a minimum if I won't have much time), so look out for that ๐Ÿ˜„

Good start and interested in more!

Great story. I would like to see more when you get the chance.

Little known fact: serial killers are like vampires, they canโ€™t come in without being invited. They also hate garlic but thatโ€™s another matter entirely.

I will be keeping an eye on this very intriguing and very interesting story

Feedback you say? As you wish...
This is very good. While the 'ooh I can't remember anything' is pretty over used, this story is really shaping up to be something special. But I must say, I came down with a severe case of memory loss (lucky me!), but I still knew how to walk and stuff. You don't forget stuff you normally do on a day to day basis, that comes naturally to someone, like eating. Though it could be reasoned with that since Sunset didn't always walk on two hooves legs, she would have difficulty walking properly.
If I may make a suggestion to the future of the story, it would be nice for her to slowly regain memories, but the older ones first, leaving her confused as to why her first memory appears to be her as a coloured horse.
But if she is going to regain memories, do it later. Her with no memories at all is too interesting.

Ok, good start up to this with the reactions bound to happen now. Things are about to get very interesting and I KNOW Wallflower is in it big time now. Hmm, hoping for more Trixie as friend help too.

8848853
Thank you for the feedback, I will consider it:twilightsmile: The 'unable to walk part' is from her being a pony as I believe she doesn't have the muscle memory as a human to do so (at least not yet). I feel sorry for you for having the case with the memory loss, is everything okay now? Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the story as it progresses!:pinkiehappy:

8848863
Hmmm, maybe have her walk on all fours then? Better muscle memory in that case. It does make more sense though.
Memory loss is fine now, even though I might be inflicted with monochromia as a result of the same incident. I'm over it though. If you need some help with the kind of beheaviour Sunset would display as a result of the memory loss, feel free to message me!
Oh, and are you going to include Wallflower in this? I don't particularly dispise her, but I would like to see her confronted (perhaps punished) with all this.

Oh that's good that you are better now!:twilightsmile: Hmm, yeah, I did also consider that, but to be fair she doesn't have many Pony memories either so I just stuck with this for now:twilightblush: Oh and thank you for the offer :pinkiehappy:

8848884
Thought I'd let you know on account of my memory loss - when you regain your memories, you basically have a mental breakdown - a bit too much stress, too much strangeness to be in different habits, et cetera.
Also, you are soooo lucky (smart rather) you don't have Sunset staying with anyone. Seeing my family at the hospital sucked, when I think back about it.
Though I can't get too much in depth about this stuff - I was too much thinking about trying to live in a black and white world. (That's not that bad btw, if you exclude the 276358 people who ask you what colour is the nearest object.)
Anyway, my offer stands, but do be careful about how you make Sunset act. There are a suprising amount of people who will just stumble upon this and act offended, claiming to 'know someone who knows someone who lost 0.00000000001% of their memory and they don't appriciate that you are making fun of the disabled community!'
Those people, however, are pricks.

8848906
Yeah, I can see how distressing a situation as such may have been. To be honest, I did think something like a breakdown would happen in a case like that, considering the changes and all, so to be fair Sunset may experience a few stages of that. I have never had something like severe memory loss, but because I'm bilingual, and English is not my first language, I did actually experience forgetting my first language or forgetting both sometimes at a certain time and just overall I think my brain couldn't adjust to it sometimes. It would always come back to me in the end but, it still happens sometimes. Yeah... It was really embarring for me whenever I couldn't reply to someone or just replied... But in the wrong language๐Ÿ˜… So I can understand how forgetting something may be really annoying tbh, but I know my example isn't really anything to compare to what you had.๐Ÿ˜…

8848964
You know, I can relate to you so much. You know the first thing someone asked me when I got out of hospital? "Is this dress blue and black or white and gold." didn't even know I was colourblind. Anyway, this is not the place for me to rant about my disabilities.
But seriously? Don't just base this off of real life rules. Magic did cause this after all. And magic can do anything! Abraca-bloody-dabra.

8848971
Yeah, that must have been awkward, I have a friend who is colorblind and I witnessed other people do such things by accident like that too. If you don't mind me asking, how severe is your colorblindness? (can you see certain colors?) But yeah you're right, with any story that is written no logic has to apply... like magic:rainbowlaugh::twilightsmile: That is what makes an unpredictable story after all, and that makes it interesting๐Ÿ˜„

8849252
Completely black and white. Look up monochromia (don't say that's bad or anything. I get it enough). I like how we've turned these comments into our little messaging system.
And I suppose I must ask: you have any schedule for this story? Whenever I read a story and it's not complete, I always want to do it myself. Already started on three. (Don't check them out. They're currently at the status of confusing trash.)

8849272
Oh okay, yeah I just wasn't sure with the term sorry๐Ÿ˜… And with the schedule... I don't really have any specific one. I am still in school, so that is always a first for me before I do something like this. Although, each time when I have free time, I come back to this. Yes, that may seem slightly unorganized, but I am planning to do this as this is basically a way of developing a hobby of mine (and art - but I may include that later). I enjoy writing, and I won't stop until I finish this story. :twilightsheepish: Plus, I am planning to write a book of my own in the future, but there is no point if my writing is uninteresting, or grammatically incorrect. This is also a way to see if other people indeed do like the stories I make. I am aware, that I am still learning how to be good at writing, but it's always worth a try!:twilightsmile:

8849298
Don't worry, I know the feeling. Currently on Easter break, as soon as it ends, I won't be able to write at all. Or it will take several months for me to get back to it. That or I completely flop my exams.
Keep up the good work, regardless if you get hate or not.
Don't worry if your grammer isn't perfect. There are more and more programs out there that help with that, and most authors use them. It seems like you simply have to have a good story. That's my problem. Don't get me wrong, I can think up good stories (even though so far I've ripped off of dead ones), I just can't put them into a proper order.

8849305
To be honest, I also have an Easter Break right now, so I did have time to write finally, and I also have a test week right after... Yay:ajsleepy::fluttercry: Oh! Have you tried writing some beats for your story? (writing out your story in a very simple form only with bullet points on what that chapter would be about, and then expanding it - you just need bullet points for the key events that happen, I usually use about 10 for each chapter) It's a great way to structure a story without having the trouble of having a writer block, it keeps it simple, and they can really give you an aim at what you want to write about, and when you have one, it is easier to achieve that next point to tick off, than thinking of something on the spot to write. That will help you with writing out your stories with some originality, way faster, without having too much trouble with it :twilightsmile:

8849322
I do that, but I get distracted, and next thing you know someone is ressurected before they even die in the first place. This is why I want to stick to short stories, but my wild imagination will not allow it!
That and I always write when I'm tired. It's past midnight where I'm from and I haven't slept for....too damn long.
But I shall take your advice and cherish it. I just get carried away with what I'm doin all the time.
Oh, and another excuse: I can type 2,000 words in less than an hour with minimal mistakes, but I also do not put enough thought into the writing as a result. Honestly, I might try to take up editing.
If you ever need an editor come to me!
/end shameless_plug.exe

8849272
If you donโ€™t mind a question, do you have an easier time spotting minor color descrepancys like a near white toothpaste stain on a white shirt?

Yay! Another chapter!

Still don't know about the POV changes. If it was tension and suspense you were going for, you should have just stuck with Sunset. But that's more of a nitpick.

I'm also interested on what you plan to do with Ray. It seems odd that he didn't say anything to Fluttershy as to what is going on or alert them that Sunset is hiding in the kitchen with a freaking knife. Just seems like, out of anyone, he knows the most about the situation.

8849660
Depends. If it is the exact same shade, then it is impossible. If they are very slightly different shades, then I will be able to tell the difference, but it would still take a little bit of thinking to know for sure. So yes, it is slightly easier to tell colour differences.

8850375
Interesting. I only ask because I read a book once where the forward was concerning an Air Force pilot with monochromia who had lied his way through the standard vision tests. Apparently when flying in enemy territory he saw a large camouflaged area that was clear as day to him but anyone else who looked at the later photos could only spot it if it was pointed out to them. I was curious if there was any truth to the story.

8849252
Oh boy, this is going to be interesting.

New chapter!
Thanks so much and keep going!
Always a pleasure to wait worthy chapters and a great story ^^

That's a good drawing! Wow! There aren't enough stories on this site that have pictures to go with them. Original stories, anyway.

I hate to admit it though, but I think I know the picture that you got Ray's positioning from. Aaaand now it's ruined forever. Noooo!

8853927
Thanks! :twilightsmile: And with Ray.... Well yeah I did need a refrence, (like most people do), overwise Ray would most likely look like a splodge of goo, if I didn't get the facial features right:rainbowlaugh::twilightsheepish:

8855059
Eh, it's fine. It's just that whenever I see a drawing and recognise it from another image, it always downsizes the quality. There's nothing wrong with it, just me being... I dunno. Picky?

8855082
Nah it's not picky. Most people like original pieces of work, but it's not always so easy to do so. Tbh, most people just use refrences just in case the character they are trying to draw doesn't look 'right'. Because I am not sure what kind of art style I'm going for yet, it looks more identicle to the actual picture I used rather than its own 'self' per say. So yeah I do get what you mean, I am still getting used to digital art so, right now , these are just tests so I don't mind the feedback:twilightsmile:

8855097
Nonnonnono, I still like it, there's nothing wrong with it. Also, I am still expecting a picture of Sunset under the table. That has been in my mind for weeks, and I want it on my screen, and out of my head.
Don't do it if you don't want to though. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm just saying that's all I can think about when I see this story.

8855106
:rainbowlaugh: Nah, don't worry I didn't take it in a bad way. I am planning to draw the picture of sunset under the table, but I have to be careful with time management, (considering I have test week, next week that depend on my final grades for the end of the year) so it might take me a bit longer with this one. :twilightsmile:

Will Wallflower Blush be playing a big role in this story?

Thank you for this new chapter :3

Yikes, emotions still raw and probably going to get crispy here.

Rainbooms take such things in stride I suppose.

8927736
Yes, she will, but the story will focus more on Sunset and the rest of the main 6. :twilightsmile:

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