You’re sitting in a dark room, standing over two large figures, which were lying on the ground, motionless. You cry out in anguish several times, trying to call the figures attention, but to no avail. They remained on the ground, lifeless, showing no expression despite your efforts. Your surroundings were all colored black and white, as if you were on some sort of gray-scale, except for one thing.
The thick, sticky, dark red liquid that formed a puddle underneath the two figures stood out against the light gray floor. The puddle was slowly growing and growing, eventually to the point where you thought you might drown in it, but you were suddenly transported back to the nightmarish, colorless room. You leaned down to one figure and put your hoof on his shoulder. Your father. You then turned to the mare, still sobbing, and rolled her over to see her face. Your mother.
You didn’t know how to react. You simply lie down and sob, your parents dried blood matting your coat, and eventually find solace as sleep crept up on you, taking you by surprise and rendering you unconscious, where you knew you would later wake up in a hospital. Like you always did…
You sit up in bed, gasping for air. You had woken in cold sweat, having had the same dream that you had at least once every week since the incident, when you were a small colt. However, you were never aware that you were dreaming… until you woke up panting, of course. This, your troubled past, was your only weakness.
Yea right! I have no weakness!, you thought cockily.
Celestia’s sun peeked at you though the window, conveniently reminding you that today was the day. Today was the day that you would stake out the royal castle in Canterlot, and then break in when night falls. You wasted no time getting up and out of the house, heading towards Canterlot, which was just northeast of Ponyville. However, Canterlot was high up, built into the side of a cliff, so you made your way there via chariot.
You are now approaching the castle, watching carefully from the outside. The sun was placed directly above you and it beat down hard on your head and back. You walked around to what apparently was the garden, located on the side of the castle. No signs were present that denied admittance inside, but no pony else was in there, so you weren’t sure whether you were allowed there or not. You didn’t care. You could talk your way out of anything, and this is the side of the castle from which you were going to enter that night anyways. You had never been inside, but you’ve studied diagrams, and you knew where the elements were. They are your target.
You continued to walk for a while before looking up at the castle wall. You located the window that you planned on breaking in through. If everything went as planned, no one would know you ever came in the castle in the first place, and judging by how often the elements of harmony were used, you would probably be able to sell them and get rid of anything connecting them to you before anypony even realized they were gone. It was now about five o’clock, and the sun painted streaks of orange and purple as it set, slowly waning out of view. You wait a few minutes as it sets before getting started.
You carefully and quietly ease your way to the window. Once there, you peer through, seeing what appears to be the basement, which means you’re in the right place. From what you’ve seen, the only way to do this is to start at the basement level and work your way up to Celestia’s room in one of the highest towers. It was going to take all night, but it was worth it.
You carefully slide your way through the window, making no noise. You walk towards the door that leads to a staircase leading upwards, but before you could touch the door, it flew open. It caught you off guard, but you managed to put your back up against the wall behind the door, staying just out of view. A guard walked in, pushing a cart of what appeared to be laundry. He was whistling with his eyes closed, paying no attention to your existence.
You crept behind him, making sure his back was still to you, and tip-toed out of the door, making sure to leave it as he did: wide open. You quietly make your way up the stairs and turn into the hallway. From all the preparing you had done, you were pretty familiar with the castle, even though you had never actually been inside. You turn left and head towards the spiral staircase just down the hall. According to the diagrams, you could take this all the way up to the hallway where Celestia’s room was.
You walked up to the lofty staircase. Murals and fancy-looking curtains lined the walls of the hallway, giving it an upscale, ‘royal’ look. Knowing that if someone caught you from behind now there would be no escape, that thrill of stealing that you hadn’t felt in years was coming back. As you approach what seems to be about halfway up the staircase, you hear loud hoofsteps at the top, quickly descending. In a panic, you silently but quickly make your way down the staircase backwards. As you awkwardly backpedaled down the stairs, you glance over your shoulder and then back up to your unknowing pursuer.
Once you reached the bottom, you had no choice but to step back into the basement and let the guard pass. You dive back into the basement and watch as the guard walks in front of the door and passes, not noticing you.
“Are all the guards this stupid?” you whisper to yourself in a mix of frustration and laughter.
“Ahem.”
You whirl around at the sound of a pony clearing his throat ungratefully, only to be face to face with the guard from earlier. He says nothing but growls at you before launching himself in your direction. You barely evade his attack and he belly flops on to the floor with an audible ‘oof.’ You quickly pick up the nearest object, which was a detached pipe on the floor, and bash him over the head with it.
Almost instinctively, you drag his unconscious body across the floor and flip him into the laundry cart, which was now empty. He must’ve completed his task because no laundry was in it any longer. You then mimic your actions from before, once again tackling the long, monotonous, spiral staircase. This time, there was no interruption.
You’re now in a more elegant looking hallway, which seems dimmer, as if it were closer to the heart of the castle, and walk along it close to the wall, your target being at the end of the hallway. You kept your ears perked up and your eyes wide as you walked, getting as close to hypervigilant as you could on purpose, just in case anypony tried to step out of one of the many other rooms in the hallway leading up to Celestia’s room.
You then reached your target room. This was the riskiest part of your heist. You needed to open the door and hope to God that no pony else was in there, especially Celestia, whose room this was. A light sweat breaks on your forehead and you feel the familiar thrill again as you slowly turn the knob and let the door slowly creek open. You peer in and take a deep sigh of relief as you see no pony in the room.
You walk in hastily and shut the door behind you. You spot your sub-target, the safe, which contained your overall target, the elements of harmony. Wasting no time, you take out the stethoscope stashed in your jacket and get to cracking the safe. It didn’t take long. You were surprised at the simplicity of the safe, especially one that was located in the room of the ruler of Equestria, but you weren’t complaining.
You held your breath as the safe opened to reveal six elements of harmony, oddly enough in the form of jewelry and other accessories. Whatever… you began placing them in your saddlebag. You ended with the tiara; it caught your attention as the most beautiful thing in there. You don’t know why, but you picked it up and stared at it for a while.
Stop staring and hurry up! Before somepony-
“What do you think you’re doing?” came the familiar, calm yet demanding voice from behind you.
So bucking close…
Not a big fan of second person, but I'm intrigued.
You really do have a lot of "yous" and not enough dialogue...
But, that's just me.
Intresting so far keep it up
958919 yea... I thought that too, but there weren't many other characters introduced yet. I'll try to fix in next chapter. I'm just kinda experimenting with second person right now.
i like it
great story can't w8 for the next chapter
moar plz
Have you ever haerd of a show called Breaking Bad.
Interesting
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/obama-not-bad-face-288x250.jpg
960023 This is my second story. I didn't bother publishing the first cuz it sucked... and appearently this one does too... I appreciate the constructive part of your rather wordy criticism and I'll try to develop it better as it plays out. But seriously, if you're going to give me that, you better read the next chapter and tell me if it is up to, or how far below your standards it is. But thanks, i guess? and about your first statement. After reading this, everyone can tell that he is from Ponyville just because of that one sentence I had in there. (serious question) Should I have delved deeper into the subject, made it more obvious, or just gone out and said, 'you live in Ponyville'?
959678 no... are there similarities?
Well breaking bad basically about a high school teacher trying to make some money for his family before heroes of cancer, so being a chemist he starts producing meth with one of his former students, his named rising in the drug game. And intro on the show has two elements starting the word breaking is B and bad is Ba.
There are some very minor simalaritie the biggest being the way you did your cover image and your main character being a criminal.
Here's an image of the title, I can't believe you never heard of this show, it's so good and has over 3 seasons.
prettylittlelosers.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/cabecera-breaking-bad.jpg
Your storys really good so far, second person works really good for you.
960653 interesting... I like the use of bromine and barium. The concept seems good, I might have to watch it.
961228 It's perfectly fine. I've had much worse said/written to me anyways. I'm seriously attempting to shape my next chapter with some of the "advice" from your previous comment though. It just kinda caught me off guard because it was so different from the other comments. I'm trying to add more dialogue and less 'yous' as people put it. I might send you chunk of it just to see if it's any better, dat alright?
961491 Sometimes, you just need someone to be an asshole and comment on every little thing you do wrong. If all my comments were "Moar!" and "I like it.", than my writing wouldn't be getting any better. Now I feel stupid for commenting on my own story so many times, so if you have something moderately important to say, just message me.