Rules To Live By

by gwambat

The Insanity Dilemma

Rules To Live By

The Real Author's note : due to boredom and a want to write fanfiction for MLP FIM (or really contribute to said fandom), I will be writing this (for now) story in the perspective of a pony as a first attempt at fan fic. so bear with me, Thanks!

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The very important note: these rules can NOT always be implemented and should not always be used. furthermore these rules are at best suggestions from my perspective and as such should NOT be trusted to help all or most of the time. Lastly my opinions, advice, views, suggestions, rules, etc. will no doubt contradict some reader views, opinions, advice, suggestions, morals,etc. so read at your own risk of disliking this book or myself.

Enjoy...

Rule #1 : There is no such thing as an original idea.

Ok, Thats a Lie. There is such a thing as an original idea. But in the world of modern pony sciences and innovation, chances are that your brilliant idea has been thought of. I have no doubt in my mind that as I write this at least one pony is contemplating, is doing so, or has done so in writing a book of strikingly similar fashion to this one. So what does one do to get their idea out there and either succeeds or fails? Cheat, lie, steal, research, something radically different,or work really hard.

Then you have ideas that are abstract and are harder to bend and change, those are the ones ponys fight over. and lastly we have remarks, sayings, and general stuff.I should say now that when we steal ideas, it's mainly subconsciously or purely coincidence. The real key to most ideas though is whether it needs to be said.

For example: It hurts to be stabbed in the leg.

No buck it hurts to be stabbed in the leg, one trial and error (or in this case success) will tell you that. there's really no reason to vocalize being stabbed in the leg other than "ow" or maybe a bit of colourful language or the occasional blood curdling scream or cries for help as you realize that the pony presumably in front of you just stabbed you in the leg.

I realize that there are tons of situations that I am not covering in what to say when stabbed in the leg. But like being stabbed in the leg, I don't think there is much to be said other then the obvious. Of which I have listed some already.

Knowing my luck and my lack of social knowledge, there will be a book if there isn't one already, about describing the appropriate things to say when stabbed in the leg and its title will be something along the lines of "What to Say When Stabbed in the Leg, and Appropriate Responses".

(Author) Another note: due to a promise, I can not erase or edit out what i say or ramble on about. So if i get sidetracked or off topic and it becomes hard to understand what i was originally saying, i apologize.

Rule #2 : Be Yourself, but Only Sometimes

Contradictory to what most ponies say, if you be yourself all the time you will get in trouble some way. Or maybe lose an opportunity somehow.

Let me give an example: You are attending a fancy dinner at a noble's country manor In an attempt to impress said noble and have him agree to funding a charity foundation to give orphans advanced technology (you're really just doing this for your brother, who came down with a nasty case of hay fever. You have no idea what orphans need with advanced technology). Arriving early, you immediately take the seat next to the noble at the head of the table in the “grand hall”.

While waiting for the rest of the guests to arrive, you put your plan to action: get him drinking, get him talking. What you weren't expecting was this plan to work so amazingly well. By the 2nd drink he’s already rosy cheeked and talking about his past. if you had any doubts about how long this nite is going to be, they were just smashed. The fact that you're taking pretend sips so your wits are about you, only makes it worse.

You learn that he has been struggling with anger mangement all his life and has been in therapy for the past several years but it has been going badly as his 4th wife mysteriously disappeared several weeks ago. He's been having more frequent bursts of rage. Trying to steer away from this conversation, you ask him about his country manor.

To your dismay, this leads to a discussion about his severe paranoia. How he got attack dogs lately, patrolling the woods surrounding his country manor. He also describes several other "deficiencies against unknown threats" like the buried mines, electric fences, retractable flaming spikes, and the bombs underneath the bridge leading out of the woods. You ask him why you never saw any of these things on your way to the manor to which he replies “It would be dumb to have them in plain sight.”

At one last attempt to change the subject, you blurt out the first thing to come to mind which is "banana". The noble immediately brightens up and discusses his love for bananas as he grabs for his 8th drink. You secretly hate bananas and were mentally scarred by them but chose not to tell him. after listening to him ramble on about bananas (and scolding yourself for bringing them up), he mentions in a much darker tone that before his 4th wife went missing, they had a huge argument about her banana hate in this very house.

To your relief, the 1st course appears in front of you which is...bananas. everypony (you just noticed them) immediately eat up and when you don't follow suit the noble asks you "what's wrong, don't you like a few good bananas?" What do you do?

The obvious answer is: LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH AND EAT THE BANANAS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

... ok, maybe that isn't the best example (Who am I kidding? That was filled with other solutions and was a completely ridiculous premise.) Let's try again...

What I'm really saying is at one point or another you are going to get into a situation where you should not act like yourself. Why do you think curiosity killed the cat? It was because he was acting like himself (...just ignore that terrible example). The times when you shouldn't act like yourself are usually pretty obvious too. Attending a show attempting to impress a friend? But usually really loud and need to move around alot? Shut up, sit still, find a quiet outlet, and wait it out. Or you know...watch the show.

Really basic stuff like that. Don't get me wrong being your own pony is awesome. But when a stallion has you cornered and there's no way your body would be found in the forest, LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH AND EAT THE BANANAS. From what i've seen and heard when acting like yourself all the time you usually become a revolutionary leader, dead, or somewhere in between.

The Insanity Dilemma

What? Did you think this was just an advice book? No, this is an advice book written by an insane pony. which means stories from my retelling of days events in which I hope to convey important information and lessons at my expense. For all of you who thinks this is funny...well I really have no comeback for that...

The 3rd note : I really hope this note thing doesn't become a regular thing. Regardless, in an attempt to hide my identity from the masses I will be using a cover name for myself in these stories. Although if you know anything about me then it will be relatively glaringly obvious what my real name is...

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Ditzy Doo was a mare with a problem: she thought too much. And with much thinking, thinking led to more thinking. So much thinking that it was troublesome. But when thinking is what you do, can you call it trouble? Ditzy looked at her clock by the door and realized she was going to be late for work. Which also answered her question, yes it’s trouble.

With one last look at her front room (pretty plain, nothing special. Only one piece of furniture, a wood table with a clock and a key bowl on it by the door.) Ditzy closed her front door and was off. Only problem about flying to work though was it was rather dull and tedious. Which meant thinking was a rather plausible option of entertainment. It’s not like there weren't other forms of entertainment, she could talk to ponies who got up early to go to work like she did. Or play I Spy with herself, or just stare into the sunrise (that one wasn't one of Ditzy’s favorites). But like most mornings, Ditzy was pressed for time. Talking to ponies involved stopping and saying something interesting or something to not waste their time. It was impossible to keep score in I spy if no one kept score. And watching the sunrise always lead to disaster....Always.

So without much thought, it was time for thinking. As it was something one didn't have to think of clever topics, keep score in, or explain to other ponies why for the 11th time that month Ditzy had crashed into their wagon, stall, house, pony, barrel, etc. Thinking could incorporate all those things, but it was a relief that it didn't have to (to Ditzy at least). That was the wonderful thing about thinking, it was about anything you wanted and incorporated anything you wanted...unless you didn't want to think then you passively thought.

Wait a minute...Ditzy stopped flying and landed in the middle of town square. Is it possible to get sidetracked about thinking with thinking? Ditzy was now in full ponder mode. It's not every day you realized something interesting and pulled out the ponder mode. Ditzy finally came to the conclusion that: yes you can get sidetracked about thinking with thinking, as she had just done so. Now that is some pretty serious thinking.

The music started playing again, as Ditzy headed to the post office now on hoof. The post office was just around the corner and there was really no need to fly there as it was just around the cor-

Hold up....Music? Ditzy stooped again, then looked around. Nopony was there. In fact the scene in front of Ditzy was one of those tumbleweed nopony was there moments. Which means...

Ditzy was now in ponder mode again. The only pony around was Ditzy, so the music was in Ditzy’s head? Had she been imaging travel music on her way to work? That...she supposed was possible. What would travel music sound like? Probably busy, as she was in a hurry and such tas-

Hey!... wasn't town square always busy in the mornings? Ditzy looked around the town square again and was confronted with eerie silence once more. Not even the sleazy pony who sold “exotic” goods from his coat was in his usual corner (though Ditzy did like his top hat). Something was up...something that Ditzy would investigate after wor-

work, Ditzy had forgotten she was going to be late for work. Ditzy flew as fast as she could around the corner straight for the door of the post offi-

*SLAM*

The post offices door was shut and locked. Ditzy finally put the pieces together. It was Sunday and Ditzy had woken up at the crack of dawn to go to work...on her day off. Not only that but she had put a dent in the post offices new reinforced door. The new door was replacing the one Ditzy sent flying off its hinges last time she was late.

Ditzy picked herself up and wobbled to the nearest bench (quite a feat considering that the nearest bench wasn't that close). This was a common enough occurrence for ditzy and this time was saved the humiliation and embarrassment as nopony was around. Odd considering you still had a few ponies around town square Sunday mornings.

Rule #3 : Life is going to slap you right across the face from time to time.

When life is making lemonade, it makes sure to squirt you in the eyes with lemon juice as well. Everypony has their bad days. Granted some have it a lot worse then others, but the same crappy feeling of a horrible day is still there. I find it refreshing in a sense. To be pulled down from my mental high straight back down to the cold, hard floor. Don’t get me wrong, I don't enjoy slamming head first into a reinforced heavy wooden door. But I have come to expect that things like this happen. Whether it be daily or yearly, it will happen... eventually.

What differs between most ponies though is how much you complain about it . If you constantly complain about it, it only gets worse. I’m (theoretically) LOOKING at YOU. YOU know who you are, SO knock it off. Not EVERYPONY wants to hear about it, in fact very few ponies want to hear about it. It's fine if you want to complain about it a little, BUT NO PONY WANTS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR ABO-

Sorry about that, where was I?

Ditzy had been sitting on that bench for several hours now, watching the town slowly come to life, her headache finally disappearing. But the fight in her head was worse then ever. It started out with “You're a klutz.” which then went to “Are banana peels actually slippery?” which lead into “Is lemon juice sticky? Or slippery?” which was followed by the inquiry “I wonder if there are bands who would try scientific experiments live on stage?” which went to “Their remix album would suck.” quickly followed by “Definitely sticky.” and now “You think to much.” Both Ditzys in Ditzy’s head were now on the verge of a screaming match. one was valiantly defending her and the other assaulting the castle. It was clear that that Ditzy had the upper hand.

After 3 days siege, the draw bridge was blown up. Now allowing the assaulters build their own bridge, but the defenders weren't about to give up. they expected this and now we're preparing a counter bomb. The haze of battle was thic-

Wait a minute...this started out as a screaming match and was now a full blown storm the castle scenario. Well now there was no doubt left, even Ditzy’s mental arguments about overthinking were over thought. So how does that tie in to the storming the castle?

Err...

After a few moments pause, Ditzy slammed one hoof on the bench and proudly proclaimed “ I’ve got it!” The attackers realized that they were in fact...storming the wrong castle. After a few quick apologies to the defenders and showing them where they could improve their structure, they set about regrouping and set off to the much larger and imposing castle in the distance.

So back to the problem. “You think too much...” Right. So how do you fix thinking to much? Distractions? That could work. What's the biggest distraction you know? Ponies. Among ponies what are the biggest distractions? Friends, acquaintances, lovers. Ditzy had too many acquaintances and was no way ready for a romantic relationship, which left....friends. Ditzy was now worried. She had practically gone her whole life without friends. The only friends she had were from very young ages and she could not remember them now. This was going to be difficult. It’s not like she hadn't been trying to make friends, she really had. Ponies just thought she was insane (the bad kind, not the good kind of insane).

So this is it. This is do or die. Ditzy Doo was going to make a friend, even if its the last thing she did... on her day off. They all thought she was insane... and they’re probably right. BUT they're wrong on the bad part. She was going to prove that she was the good kind of insane even if it killed her. The kind of insane pony that you enjoy tea with on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Who’s making a friend today?

“I am...”

I can't hear you.

“I am.” Ditzy said louder.

What was that?

“I AM!”

Sorry? I swore you said something.

“I AM!” DItzy was now yelling, standing high and proud on that bench.

Allright! Now go get ‘em!

Still oblivious to all the ponies staring at her, Ditzy was now doing some stretches and grunting exercises. This was the big one, the one she had been training for. D-day of friend making. THE cat's pajamas.

“OH, IT. IS. ON.”

Ditzy suddenly pointed at a staring pony. “YOU, WHAT'S MY NAME!?”

“D-Ditzy doo...”

“THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'M GOING TO MAKE A FRIEND.”

A very audible grumble came from Ditzy’s stomach.

“AFTER BREAKFAST.”

“It’s noon...”

“AFTER LUNCH.”

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Ditzy doo was now in the hospital. She had managed to get food poisoning from bad muffin “spectacular” from sugar cube corner. Or was it spectacle? either case she was now in a lot of pain.

“Patient 32, I regret to say this but we're going to have to pump your stomach.” The nurse sounded anything but regretting.

Jurnexsuss: A event or series of events were the main character dosent do much but other characters may or may not do things.

Comments

[SlipperPutty]

Just want to say that this is THE best Ditzy Doo story I have read in quite a while. You have a very interesting perspective on Ditzy's thinking process, and her yelling conversation at the near end was hilarious. I really do like this, and if you fixed some minor grammar errors scattered throughout, I would like it even more. Keep up the good work!

[gwambat]

946234

I just want to say thank you. This type of comment really makes my day. Not only do you like this story to some extent, but you tell me partly (or completely, I cant speak for you) why. You even point out flaws as well, granted very generally. You sir are awesome.

I shod mention now that my grammar and spelling are...atrocious. This story has been through several spell checks and way to meany proof readings by myself and others (friends,brother). Writing is fun, spell checking is not. I will be trying my hardest to make sure anything I write though is solid. If there is one thing I cant stand: if its hard to read. few hiccups? fine. but full blown bad writing? ugh. full blown bad writing written by YOURSELF!? despicable.

Wow I've been writing this comment for over an hour. that's usually a clue that your trying to hard, thinking about it too much, or really slow. that and you should stop. Sorry for getting a little rant-ish. thanks again.

[SlipperPutty]

950296 No prob. You know, one way to help grammar/spelling errors is to read the whole thing aloud. Yeah, it takes a while, but usually you only have to do it once because you'll most likely find everything the first time. Just my two cents.

And yes, I'm not going to dislike/complain about a story just because of a few slip-ups here and there. If it's through the whole story, then I will