Letting Go

by RoccoRoccs

Chapter 11: Whistles In The Wind, A Caskade Of Thoughts

Letting Go
Chapter 11: Whistles In The Wind, A Caskade Of Thoughts
Rocco Rocccs
{Pre-Edit}

If you had told me a few months ago that I would not only meet a buck who really really gets me, but be on a train bound for Manehatten to start a new life... I would have told you that you are crazy! It seems like yesterday that I was hiding from everypony and trying my best to not be seen, now look at me! Heh, here I am, face in the wind coming from the train car window, smiling! I'm actually smiling! I still can't get passed the way it feels to just... smile! This must be what other ponies feel all the time!

I can't believe that I ever took it for granted and didn't just smile more! Then again, before I met Cask... I guess I never really had a reason to smile very much. At the best I would get a sigh of relief If dad wasn't home. I'm so glad I took the chance and flew down to see him that day, otherwise Celestia only knows where I would be now. Sure I saw him in class all the time, and flying home from school and sometimes when he would sit on that cloud outside of Cloudsdale... But I'm so glad I finally worked up the courage to talk to him!

I remember it like it just happened. Me, terrified, wings trembling... I had never talked to another buck before... well, not like THIS anyway. Not to mention that he had my attention from the very first day he had moved to the same school I was going to. Ok, Ok... I had a crush, kill me. But Just thinking about how scared I was then, right before I tapped his shoulder... Heh, I just fill silly now. Ok, maybe a little embarrassed too... also still scared. I guess somethings about me will just never change. But now look at us! He's right here! Right beside me!

Sometimes I worry that he doesn't know how I truly feel, like, how much he actually really means to me. Every time I get close to actually showing him or telling him... I see those golden orange eyes of his and I just... OH! I just can't believe this happened! He's mine! He's actually mine! I had always wanted something like this and now here I am! Goodness I'm gushing to myself again. This has to be something that comes from having no pony to talk to by myself for the last few years. I feel so silly doing it, but I can't help myself.

I can't wait to see what awaits us in Manehatten! A new life, a real chance to start over and just be somepony I always wanted to be! It's a dream come true! I know Cask is a little... worried, but if he only knew how scared I was right now. Well, he would probably say something like 'Damn it! Why did you make us leave then' and give me that look he does when he confused. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I do confuse him on purpose, I can't help it. He's just so damn cute with his wide puppy eyes and his drooping ears! Ugh! I just can't stand it! He would never understand just how bad I need for us to leave or just how bad WE need to leave. I couldn't even begin to tell him why.

It would... hurt too much. As much as I love him, there are still somethings I can't force myself to tell him, as bad as I know he needs to know. I could only imagine what he would try to do to my dad if he ever found out about... that. Just thinking about it hurts. More than the screaming at me, the beatings or feeling like he never wanted me around. Why did he have to do THAT to me too!? Wasn't everything else enough? Why did it have to be me? It took me so long to trust anypony again after that night. Thank goodness mommy heard me screaming, otherwise... Don't Whistles... Don't let him make you cry again, he can't get you now.

If Cask ever found out I'm sure he would try to kill him. But how do you tell somepony you love that you were nearly raped by your own father? If I ever did and Cask tried to take revenge like I know he would... I could lose Cask forever. I know he would never think about that, he would just see rage and do the only thing that came natural to him. He's a sweet buck... but he is still a buck, a stubborn, protective buck and dear Luna do I ever love him for it. I needed somepony like him to show me that life was still ok, that I could be happy again, that I could feel safe.

But even after all these years after, I still have nightmares about that night. What if mom had not been home? What if he had hurt her and kept her away from me? They all end the same, with me waking up and crying myself back to sleep. It wasn't until I had Cask laying beside me that I had a real night's sleep. I could just reach for him and he would wrap me up in a hug and hold me tight. He made the screaming stop and the bad dreams go away. He will never know just how much I will always love him for that. I can't even begin to think of a way to repay him.

He keeps saying that I was the one that made his life better, if only he knew. Heh, if only he knew I had a crush on him all that time too. I bet he would go beet red! I have got to remember to tell him that one day, I bet he will be so confused too! All those evenings of staring at him just sitting there on that cloud, trying not to fall asleep in class and that one time he crashed head on into the janitor. I bet he never even saw me back then.

I still remember the first time we truly talked to one another. He looked so sad when he came into the library that day. Dad had spent the morning screaming at me for not cleaning me room the night before, even though I always kept it spotless so he wouldn't. As I always did, I faked that I needed to study and flew to the library for nothing more than to get away for a little while where it was quiet. Had I known that Cask would fly past me and nearly throw me off the walk way in his haste to get to class that didn't exist, I would have dressed better.

When he came into the library though, my heart skipped a beat! It was like fate or something else more powerful had brought us together. The fact that I hid under the desk I was sitting at was embarrassing but not nearly as embarrassing as the little squeak I made when I saw him sleeping right across from me. He was shivering so bad that I have no idea how he managed to sleep through it! As I often did, I had my blanket with me that I used to take small naps in the back of the rows of books and I saw my chance to be nice to him.

I was so scared that he would wake up that I was trembling! Oh goodness I'm getting all nervous just thinking about how awkward I was! If he had woke up... I bet he would have never talked to me again and thought that I was a creep! I just couldn't bare to think of it! But I wanted to help him, I wanted him to be warm and not so cold anymore so I took the chance and covered him up. I then sat and waited for him to wake for what felt like forever! But his cute little sniffs in his sleep kept me entertained well enough.

When he finally started to wake, oh... I got so scared that I was doing the wrong thing! I was violating his space! Me, a pony he probably never knew existed was just putting blankets on him and sitting there waiting for him to wake up, watching him sleep all creepy like. I never wanted to inconvenience anypony and this was so far out of my comfort zone that I was trembling! Would he be mad? Scared? Freaked out that I so willingly broke his trust barrier? I was just so nervous!

I remember lifting the blanket ever so gentle with a hoof and biting my lip in preparation for the worst. But even with all the fear in the world around me, it could not even begin to think of it when his sleepy orange eyes peeked back at me. I wanted so bad to talk to him but... I couldn't chance it. Oh! Why did I have to freak out and go mute on the cloud!? I wanted so badly to talk to him, to let him hear my voice, just for a moment.

I never showed it the whole time I was writing our little notes, but I was crying on the inside but my face bore a smile all the same. It hurt so damn bad that my fears kept my silent those first few days. It felt like I was lying to him the whole time we were together but, I couldn't. Every time I would open my mouth, my heart would clinch and my stomach would start doing little back flips. There was something deep within me that screamed at me to keep my mouth shut, run, hide myself away from him or anypony. It wouldn't let me trust anypony near me. It told me if I stayed quiet, then the screaming would stop.

I wanted so much more from life that I felt guilty for it, and that just made it all so much worse. The harder I tried to break my silence around Caskade, the worse it would get. Even When I chased him back to his house, I lied to him then too. I had not been searching for him, I knew right where he went. But that little voice kept me from knocking on his door, it kept me outside in the bitter cold staring at his freezing hoodie.

I remember squeezing my head to make it stop, crying to myself that I was too worthless to even try and talk to another pony. I forced myself to raise my hoof to knock, the pain was deafening in my mind, begging me to run and hide and that this was not what I deserved. I deserved to be alone, nopony should have to deal with me, especially a buck as sweet as he was. By the time he answered the door, I was shivering more in pain and fear than the cold.

I couldn't relax in his home, despite how sweet he was being to me. But something started to happen within me, the more time I was near him, the more he spoke to me as if I were just like him, that... screaming began to slowly go away. With every touch of him near me, with his very presence it was like he found a way to calm my shaking. When I rested my chin on his head, it was like there was something that connected us. It was like it dealt a final blow to my fears.

I was taking a risk by kissing him, but I didn't care, I just wanted it to stop and he was the only pony who could. I know we were moving too fast, but I didn't care, I just wanted more of him. I still don't know if that is what love is, maybe puppy love? He relaxed me so much, I broke my silence. Nopony has ever done that with me! He was shocked to say the least, honestly, so was I but in my panic I forced another kiss from him. Thankfully he didn't kill me for lying, although he wasn't happy that I was 'hiding myself away' as he put it.

We have come so far since that day, we have trotted together through my worst fears together. I never could have done it without him. I could have never stood up to my dad without him by myside. I could have never even have put my mane back in a ponytail for Celestia's sake, but he told me that he loves seeing my eyes and... I guess that he was the water that put the fire of fear within me out. Everyday was one more step away from who I was and one step closer to who I wanted to be.

As the days passed I started to realize that I wanted to worry less and see him more. I wanted to just be near him, know that he was ok and that he was not mad at me. Oh Luna that day... I still start to cry when I close my eyes and see him being beaten. My stomach still ties in knots and my heart still breaks. I-I couldn't help him! I was watching my dad... no, he's no dad. I watched as that-that... bastard beat him. Every hit I felt, every pull of his wings I felt and every second I couldn't help him My heart broke more. I was back to feeling worthless and helpless to the one pony who had showed me that I could be so much more. Watching them take him away was the worst part, I screamed for him, I begged to go I fought with everything I had until they forced me back home.

I have never cried so hard in my life that first night of waiting. I wanted to run out of that damn house and find him, but I was told if I did, I would never see him again. Cask likes that buck 'Back Track', I would never tell him, but I hate him. He may have done what I never could have, but he pushed us apart with so much ease that it hurt. I will never forgive myself for what I couldn't do, But Caskade... He never blinked.

I took one look at me and it was as if I never did anything wrong. He has told me I could never do wrong in his eyes, but I so have. I failed him so many times but he just keeps forgiving me as if it were as easy as breathing. But I guess it is two fold, he has also told me that he has failed me over and over and I brush it off. That's because in my eyes, after everything he has done for me, he can not do wrong by me.

We are a strange couple, sure, but he loves me. That much he has proven time and time again. He looked passed that quiet mare in the corner and saw... me. Just me. He took hold of my heart and never let it go. I owe him so much, through the pain and the crying, he was the one that stopped it all. He keeps saying that I walked through his fire for him to save him, but I feel the same. Truth is, we walked through the fire together, holding hooves, willingly, because we knew we wanted to save each other. If for some reason one day it consumes us, then together we will burn, holding hooves and smiling.

I can't believe this is happening... Why did I agree to do this? I looked to the mare sitting beside me who seemed to be going through every emotion in the book, using the wind to hide it all away. One second she would smile, then frown then I swear she would start crying but some how find a way to stop it all over again. She had to be feeling so much right now, anger, fear, sadness but at the same time, happiness. It was as though she was torturing herself without knowing it. She always does this when she is forcing change in herself. I would know, I have seen it first hoof.

It seems like just yesterday I was looking into those sky blue eyes for the first time, never knowing that one day I would get to see them all the time. I never even saw her love coming, hitting me like the very train we were riding and taking me by surprise. I remember thinking the first time I saw her that I could never hope to have somepony as beautiful as her in my life of any amount of time. My heart was hopeful, but I knew it was going to just hurt me later to think even for a moment she would want to be with me.

Everyday with her after that night at my dad's house was like another dream come true. It felt more surreal than anything, like I had fallen asleep only to wake up to a world were everything was right. It was a world were my mother and father were still here, where we all still lived in Cloudsdale, where we didn't have to worry about anything . Then again, something so whimsical was merely a dream, yet the feeling still remained.

That feeling was the one that she gave me when she would do nothing more than smile in my direction, relaxing those beautiful eyes of her's. She gave me something nopony else could, she made the pain stop and showed me that not all clouds were gray. She did all of this, healed my broken heart and gave me the love I had been missing, all without so much as trying. She just... did it.

Maybe it was both of our problems helping each other so well, maybe we were both broken in just the right way that what remained of us could make us whole. Whatever it was, I would do it over in a heart beat and I wouldn't change a thing. Even through the fear I had about leaving home, I knew that this was something that she wanted, needed even. If this was the last piece of the puzzle to help her find peace, then there was never any question. I didn't have to agree with her, all i needed was to know she would be happy.

So, here I am, a love struck fool uprooting my life for the sake of her's. Then again, maybe it was more for the both of us. She had said before we left that she had something that she wanted to protect, something that she never knew she wanted until she got it. Well, whatever that was to her, I'm sure it was a great reason to leave. Me on the other hoof... I had what I had always wanted and just like her, I too had no clue it was what I needed until I go it.

For me it was the simple reward to get to be near her, to get to be the one holding her at night and the one that got to see that special little smile she would only show to me. Simply knowing that I was the buck that she trusted enough to give those things too was all I needed to give her my world. Whistles is... Special. Her parents said that time and time again to me, but I doubt that they knew just how special she truly was to me.

I know about the screaming she had to go through, I know how painful making that first move had to have been and I know that she had to be braver than I to do so. I know because I was going through my own war of emotions. I told myself day in and day out that I never deserved somepony like her and that I should just keep to myself. But what makes me truly think she is so special is that I know she went through so much more than I ever had and still found the courage to step forward.

Such a thing had to have taken everything she had and been akin to torture. I didn't know what it was at the time and in a lot of ways, I still don't really know how to put it into words. But as best as I can think of it, I feel like it was sacrifice. She went through hell just to talk to me that night. I know she had to be terrified, because I was too. Neither of us wanted to let anypony near us for fear of rejection.

I knew that if I had messed up that night that i would relive everything I did wrong until another mare stumbled into my pity filled life to try again. But for her... I doubt she would ever try again. Whisper said to me that her and Whistles were a lot alike, they both hang their star on somepony, even if it is a falling one. So for her, this WAS all or nothing. She simply closed her eyes and dealt the cards, I'm just luck that they came up blackjack.

I know that back then I could feel something between us, I'm just thankful that I didn't ignore it when I had the chance. I could have done things so wrong if I had not decided to go with the feeling I was clinging to. I could have lost her forever and never knew what I was missing out on. Sure you never miss what you never had, but in the grant scheme of things, i would like to think that this was the best case ending for the both of us.

Rain is gone from her life, we got word that his trial was being expedited and that his chances of serving anything less that twenty years was slim to none. My heart ached for Whisper, but it was hard to hold any pity for her after she so willingly gave her daughter up for a chance to be with Rain one more time. The part of me that knew that she and Whistles were just alike told me to forgive her for it. After all I was on the receiving end of such a powerful love and I could vouch for how intoxicating it was, I would do anything for it.

But the other part of me, the logical part that is was screaming that she was a moron. She could have so much more if she wanted it, all she had to do is do what her daughter did and take that first step. Maybe she lacked something that Whistles had, maybe she had been in too deep for too long with Rain. But whatever it was, it was infuriating! But nevertheless, one thing in my brain overshadowed all else.

As I said before, Whistles love was intoxicating to me. Her mother was no different in the way she gave it freely. That meant that Rain, even with his constant hang ups on my family and his anger, was given this and threw it all away for spite. This made me truly hate him as a pony. But even still, I pitied him more than anything. Here was a buck with everything, two loving mares that would have moved the stars for him if he so much as asked and paid them the respect they both deserved. Yet he spent his life beating them down and forcing his own daughter to hide herself away from the world.

He was a weak, shriveled excuse for a spirit and would get everything what was coming to him in that prison. It's my sincere hope that he one day realizes what he did to them both and what he lost. Not for closer and not for retribution for his family. No, I want him to know what he lost so it will torment him until the day he dies. He deserves to know that he was his own undoing, not his family.

If I have to spend my last bit to do so, I will see to it that he will never come close to either of us again. So in a lot of ways, I was happy that we were leaving this place for good. Sure I had memories tied to everything that we were putting behind us. But those memories were all nothing more than heartache the more I thought about it. Everything in front of us was bright and promising and with this mare by my side, I know it will all work out. We had proven as much by making it this far.

Really and truly, the only pony I was leaving behind was my old high school friend Skyler. But whose to say that he wouldn't come visit now that we had started talking again. Hell, even Sneaks was working his flank off before we had left at being my friend. But apart from those two ponies, I really didn't have anything holding me back from just leaving that place for good and starting over.

Whistles was once again smiling out the window, I think I even saw her crack up at one point. What on Eqquis was going on in that mares head. Sometimes I worry about her, maybe she's really a lunatic and I was just under some love spell in an overly elaborate scheme to trick me into helping her escape.

"Babe? Are you ok?" I asked, giving her back a light rub.

"Huh!?" She shouted as she nearly climbed out the window in fear.

"Easy now... Just breath."

"Oh! Heh... Sorry hunny. I was just thinking of... everything."

"Yeah? What all?"

"Well..." She started as she snuggled up to me. "For one thing, we never gave Skyler back that Wonderbolts outfit back."

"To be fair, I don't think he would want that thing back..."

"We did make a mess of it, didn't we."

"Babe, we make a mess of everything when we do... THAT." I said with a smile.

"Are you sure you are ok with this? I don't want to force you to leave." She said in a worried tone. I sat thinking for a moment, wanting to ask so many questions to better understand why we were leaving. But in the end, my heart won out and I I caved.

"Are you sure this is what you want, that this is what you need to be truly happy?" I asked hurting for details.

"Yes. I need this. We both need this."

"Can I ask why? I think it would help me with all... this." I asked meekly, hoping I was not about to open a can of worms I knew nothing about.

"I need to... not be there. Cask, so many bad things happened there and I don't think I could stand to stay. I always wanted to run away, just... fly off. But I was scared, I never could have made it on my own. Not after... everything..." Whistles tone broke down into tears mid sentence.

"Hey-Hey! It's ok. He will never hurt you again, I wont let it happen, I swear!" Crap. This is why I never ask the details with her. She starts crying and I become a puddle of mush who will do anything to stop it. But despite the tears, I was gathering that she had been hurt far worse that I could have imagined by Rain.

"I know it's just... Cask you have to promise me that we let it all go!" She said with tear filled eyes.

"What do you mean 'let it all go'? We are leaving, we are never coming back. The worst is over now."

"No, hunny... It so isn't. I-I... He..." I had never heard her cry like this before. It was like she was having to rip something out of her just to tell me.

"Babe... It's ok. Whatever it is, it is in the past and we are going to move on, together." I said as I held her close to me. Whistles was holding back tears to the point of giving herself the hiccups. I was hurting for her, but it was hard to show it with her cute little squeaks she was making.

"He... He... T-tried..." She squeaked out as she scrunched her face together. He tried to what? Run her off? Break her down? Send her to a home? My mind raced for answers as if it were running from a fire.

"Whistles... He failed." I said trying to stop her. This was already going to hell before it ever began. Why did I half to ask her.

"He... Tried... to... ra... ra... rape..." Her words were muddy and thick with tears. But My mind was already putting the pieces together long before she said it. All at once, my racing thoughts ground to a halt and my heart sank. If you had told me without Whistles being here crying in front of me that Rain had tried to do THAT to her, I would have never said a word. I would have been so angry that nothing would have stopped me from trying to kill him.

But this was different. I looked down into those eyes, the same ones I had come to love and saw pain, true pain. It was as if I could see her broken heart through them, knowing exactly what had caused it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to tear this train apart from the floors down and go find him. But seeing her like this did something different, something I never in a million years thought I would do. I started crying with her.

Just knowing that somepony could hurt another pony on that level, to hurt them like this was bad enough. But seeing that it was the very reason that had nearly ruined somepony I loved... It was killing me. It was like I could feel the pain she was in, my heart broke to see somepony as sweet and kind as her painted in such a light. How... could he. How evil do you have to be to hurt such a fragile creature like Whistles like that.

Even with my want to fly off and end his life, even I knew that what he was about to get a shattered hoof was more than enough pay back, if he lived. No, I had to stay right here and help pick up the pieces and show her that the clouds were not all gray. Everything that she had showed me, everything odd that she had done suddenly had meaning behind it. All the pieces fell into place, but now I wish they hadn't.

"Please! Promise me Caskade. Promise you won't leave me." She said just above a whisper in my ear as I held her tight.

"I can't. I need you too much." I whispered back.

The train bounced and shifted as it carried us further from what I was now considering hell on Eqquis. Knowing what I know now, this train could not move fast enough. I wanted as far from that place as she did now and I will be damned if I ever take her back. Damn him. DAMN him for doing this to her! Damn her mother for hiding it, Damn him from trying and to hell with everything behind us, it can burn for all I care.

When the two of us made love for the first time, what had she had to go through for that!? What torment was she dealing with back then? It was no wonder she had woke up screaming that night. Such a thing must have brought back all those nightmares... all because she wanted to show me how much she loved me. It wasn't fair, but life never is. Suddenly all of my problems seemed so small and pointless. All I wanted now was for her to be happy again.

But how do you fix something you can never see. How can you replace someponies innocence? You can't do something like that over night, even if i killed the buck who did it, the wound would still be there. The only thing that would help, was time. Time away, time together and just... time.

"W-Whistles?" I asked as I sat upright and stood up next to the bench seat we were on. She said nothing but looked up to me with fearful eyes as though I were about to leave her. "I can't fix what's broken. I can't even begin to stop the pain." I said fighting back my own tears.

"C-Cask... No..." She said in a whimper. I looked around the train car at all the ponies who were now staring at me, including the two angry mares that had surely heard everything we had said, sitting right behind us.

"But I can try. I can be there every morning and every night. I can be the one who helps you pick up the pieces and move on. And I promise that no matter what happens, I will help you carry the pain, even if it kills me." Whistles broke her frown for just a moment, showing me that she knew what I was saying was the truth. "Whistles? Will you marry me?" I asked as I fell to my haunches.

The train car stood silent as I sat there waiting for the answer that was going to change my life. The collective gasps of the other patrons filled the air amidst the clacking of train tracks and roar of the engine ahead of us. I could only imagine what everypony thought when the sniveling and crying mare lurched forwards and landed atop me, knocking me to my back with a very much so needed kiss.

All around us the air filled with cheers and congratulations, but we heard none of them in our moment together. It wasn't a fix, but it was all I could give her. She already had my heart, what was my time in comparison, she would have got that anyways. But the one thing I had that I could give her that nopony else could, was the rest of my life.

My dad was right. We are just kids, thinking we are grown, who would have thought that one night together would have lead to so much more. Who would have known that we loved each other more than either of us could have ever imagined. But it wasn't until today that I finally realized what he meant. Until you know just how bad you can hurt without somepony, you will never know how much you love them.

Author's Note:

This chapter is dedicated to my family and was written to Ed Sheeran's "I see Fire". Without them I'm nothing more than some guy who loves ponies, but with them I am so much more. They are the ones that keep me working to do better and to be the man I know I can be. i didn't always used to be this way, I was a real asshole in my past. But when I met my wife, Brittany, she was the one that showed me that I could be so much more.

She is the reason I wake up in the morning and work my butt off to give her a life she deserves, even if she can do it all on her own. Truth is, she doesn't even need me, she has a masters degree and runs a company. But she is still here with me, by my side day in and day out, dealing with all my problems as if they meant the world to her. She doesn't need me, but she wants me still. If that isn't love, nothing is.