Crystal Note IV Memory comes at a cost

by TalkingToMyself

Trust

The room was dimly lit by a few candles spread around the bed and the last rays of the evening sun falling in through the mostly covered window. Luna took the steps inside and closed the door behind her. She remained standing there and waiting for the pony getting up to invite her further inside.

Crystal Note stared at her from spot next to the bed and even in the narrow light, Luna noticed the signs of distress on the crystal pony. Her face featured bloodshot eyes and a nervous expression, her mane hung down in dishevelled strands of brownish yellow. Her coat was dull and grey at the moment and Luna knew this was caused by the state of emotional turmoil the crystal pony found herself in.

Shyly, Crystal Note stepped past the bed and towards Luna. She bowed her head too deep to for greeting a friend but not deep enough for greeting royalty. Her whole posture, the nervous flick of her tail, her low hanging ears, her constantly moving eyes, they all spoke of the insecurity Crystal Note suffered.
Luna offered a nod of understanding, it was a difficult situation to be in for both of them. The crystal unicorn found herself muzzle to muzzle with a pony she only knew of stories, good and bad, and who was also a ruler to the entire nation.

Luna on the other hand faced a pony she barely knew anything past the few pieces of information offered by Cadance and Twilight Sparkle. However, the help she could offer to her demanded a strong foundation of trust from both of them. Luna was well aware that trust, while easily lost, needed a lot of effort and time to build. Right now, the only basis of trust the two of them had was a mutual friendship to Twilight and Cadance. For Crystal Note's sake, she hoped it would suffice.

Finally, Crystal Note managed to speak in a meek voice
"Princess Luna... I'm honoured you'd make your way from Canterlot here just for me. I don't deserve any of this..."
Luna shook her head and tried with a smile
"I can name at least six ponies who think you deserve far more, Crystal Note."
Crystal Note looked up for a moment, but with a frown her eyes returned gazing towards the wooden floor
"Have you ever heard of a pony who had three princesses running to her aid?"
Luna wouldn't let her confusion about such a question take hold of her features, so she just stated in a neutral tone
"I have not."
"Me neither. It sounds too good to be true, right? So how could I believe it's really happening to me right now?"

Luna frowned annoyed
“You perhaps wish I’d take my leave then? Twilight Sparkle and Cadenza asked for our assistance, but if you feel we are not suited for such task, perhaps we should…”
“NO!”
Luna closed her mouth at the sudden outburst that even seemed to surprise Crystal Note herself. The mare blushed and averted her gaze as she returned to her meek whispering
“I don’t want you to leave. It’s just… why? I don’t understand. You don’t know me. Twilight doesn’t know much. Cadance knows a little more now, but…”
Luna’s frown faded and her eyes closed
“But why would ponies reach out for you in such a moment? There are secrets in your past you can barely grasp yourself, but your history is dark enough to expect the worst. Nonetheless, these ponies, these strangers in your eyes, they make an effort. They offer help for you although they have nothing to gain from it. Most likely, they’ll be disappointed when they find their assistance won’t be any helpful either. At worst, they’ll start to fear you and shun you for what you have been, but even then could you blame them? You know what lays in your past, can you really expect them to believe you’re able to change when you can’t believe it yourself?”

A heavy silence filled the room once Luna had finished talking. Her voice had been filled with emotion, but her features showed nothing.
Crystal Note stared at the moon princess with wide eyes and her whispers broke the silence once again
“How do you know all that?”
Luna refocused her attention on the crystal unicorn in front of her, in her blue eyes compassion and guilt seemed to battle for dominance
“I know because I still have trouble believing it myself. When I returned, my darkness was evident. Yet it was to be overcome by the Elements of Harmony and the magic of friendship. I regained my past appearance and I was presented with my sister’s forgiveness. Not only hers, but the forgiveness of countless other ponies, including those who had seen my darkness. And still most nights I lay awake and ask myself ‘Why? What reason could there be?’”

Crystal Note said nothing and her gaze fell back on the floor, but Luna demanded her attention back with a stomp of her hoof
“Doubt is clouding your mind, born out of confusion and guilt. It’s clear to see. You said so yourself, but there is more to it. Everypony has their own darkness, their demons they need to battle. Some more than others, but that is not what makes the difference. Every day, ponies overcome their fears, their confusion and their guilt. And they receive help in doing such.
So here you are, Crystal Note, finding yourself in that position, yet you refuse the help offered to you. You rely on kind words to do so or you try with silence, but you push ponies away from you.”

Crystal Note stared at Luna, not daring to look away again. The blue eyes bore into gem-shaped ones, demanding a response, so the crystal pony complied
“I don’t want to become a burden. All those new friendships are so… new. I don’t want to risk to losing them. I haven’t told them all I learned in the Crystal Empire and if they find out…”
“They might abandon you?”
Luna gave a laugh at the blush she called forth on the crystal pony
“We are well aware of Sombra’s crystal unicorns, still sister and I did not hesitate to help. Why else would I stand here before you now?”

Crystal Note’s eyes opened wide once more, then her hoof flew to her forehead
“Of course, you were there. How could I forget that?”
Luna laughed softly with a nod of understanding
“Confusion and doubts, as stated earlier. Yes, I saw them with my own eyes, as clear as I see you. And I fully agree with my niece, to answer your next question.”
The pony blinked once and tilted her head to her left
“Your niece?”
Another nod, this time accompanied with a loving smile
“My sister took the title of Cadenza’s aunt when she arrived in Canterlot. I was happy to adopt the same title after my return.”
Crystal Note’s head tilted to the other side as she tried to make sense to all, then a smile of relief brightened her features
“So you don’t think… you mean I’m different from… them?”
A final nod, quick and determined, followed by a sigh of relief.
“Nothing you show speaks of Sombra’s presence to me.”

Crystal Note all but collapsed at those words, sinking to the ground as her body lost its tension, part of the unhealthy glow around her eyes dissolving like morning fog under the rays of sister’s sun.
Luna gave the pony her moment of relief, then decided it’d be time to press on
“You heard such words from other ponies before, yet you refused to believe. You could have realized the truth yourself, but you did not allow yourself to see clearly.”
Crystal Note’s head sunk into her forehooves with a weak nod, but this time her eyes rose up again to meet Luna
“I know you’re right. But it’s so easy to get lost in my own head right now. It’s like every clear thought I have is drowned out by three others that make no sense and it all blurs together…”

Luna nodded, impressed by the precise description that summed up how she saw the pony’s mind at the moment
“I know how you must feel right now. The inner workings of the mind are clearer to me than most other ponies, hence why sister and I decided it’d be me to offer help to you. That is, if you agree, Crystal Note.”
The pony looked up at her own name, unsure how to react. Luna could read every thought going through her mind on her features at the moment. Insecurity whether Luna would really understand her. Doubt that she was not worth such help as offered. Guilt for having to ask another princess to fix those things she believed she failed on. Fear of the unknown truth that lay inside her, buried under mountains of confusion.
Luna remained silent and waited. She knew this was the moment for Crystal Note to decide if Luna was worthy of her trust. She’d opened herself and showed her own struggle, her own emotion to a degree far passing of what she let most ponies see. She’d show as compassion as she was able to, along with understanding, may it be more analytical and sharp than what her niece or her sister would offer.
Minutes passed before the decision came with a single nod, slow and uncertain, but an agreement nonetheless.

Luna bowed her head in a grateful nod and only now took the steps inside the room and closer to the crystal unicorn. She sat down on the floor in front of her and waited with her eyes staying on those gem-shaped orbs of Crystal Note.
The crystal pony looked into those blue eyes as if for the first time or maybe she just really saw them clearly for the first time, without fear or intimidation for once.
In a soft voice, she whispered
“Are you going to cast a spell to fix me?”
Luna rose a brow and shook her head
“I will not. I could try such, but I doubt it would succeed.”
Crystal Note blushed and nodded with sudden sadness that surprised Luna, so she added
“The mind is complex, Crystal Note. There is no easy way to just ‘fix you’ as you call it. I wish to give you the help you truly need, not just patch you up into a representable state and then take my leave.”

The crystal pony nodded again with the same sadness Luna now began to identify as guilt. Crystal Note did not deem herself worthy of receiving such help as offered. It was worrying she'd think so little of herself that even accepting the help of a willing pony seemed too much. Thinking for a moment, Luna tried for a different approach
“Think of it as our way to contribute to the protection of Equestria.”
Crystal Note blinked back into awareness and stared at the now grinning princess
“If we search through your diffused memory, we might find hints on Sombra’s past deeds. To find such hints would mean a great deal, should it be necessary to prepare for the dark king’s return. Therefore it is essential we put utmost care and attention on healing your troubles, Crystal Note.”
Luna let go of the faux regal voice she’d been using and winked. Crystal Note’s head tilted towards the other side, then a small smile crept onto her lips. She quickly rose to her hooves and performed a deep bow, her forehead and the tip of her horn touching the floor in front of Luna and her voice matching Luna’s royal behaviour
“At your command, your Highness.”

Luna stood up as well, tall and regal and ordered Crystal Note to rise with a motion of her hoof, then chuckled at their silliness. The melodious laugh she received as response showed her it’d served its cause though, another wave of relaxation easing the crystal pony.

Luna saw Crystal Note take a deep, cleansing breath, just as she had upon entering, then focus back on her. She did not speak but the question she wanted to ask was clear in her eyes to see for Luna
“When you’re ready, we will begin by relaxing.”
Crystal Note blinked surprised and blushed as she mumbled
“I’m not sure I get what you mean…”
Luna nodded and motioned for the bed
“That is part of the problem. Questions cloud your mind and make you worry. You need to learn not to let them overwhelm you. If they do, you won’t get the rest your body and your mind desperately need. Also sleep tends to elude you if all you know is tension and worry, which is not considered healthy at all.”

Crystal Note climbed onto the bed but remained sitting upright, unsure of how to proceed
“So you want to put me asleep and take a look at my memories while I’m sleeping?”
“No. None of such. Your mind, anypony’s mind, is sacred to me. I will never intrude or spy, unless there is great danger or I receive allowance from said pony.”
Crystal Note stared at her, sensing the deep severity of the words and accepting them as truth with a nod. Luna, once sure the crystal pony understood, continued
“Think of it as breathing exercises, designed to help you achieve some peace of mind. If you fall asleep during those, it will be perfectly fine. Once you manage to relax, you will also find that the ‘other voices’ you mentioned lose much of their strength. Clarity will help you break the grip confusion has over your thoughts at this moment. These are my goals, the things I want to help you learn and understand, as your health and well-being will profit greatly from those.
Anything further than that, we will decide together once you’re ready.”

Crystal Note nodded and lay down on the bed, shifting her legs into a comfortable position. Luna nodded affirmatively and stepped next to the bed
“Are you ready to begin?”
The pony nodded and Luna took a deep breath which Crystal Note mimicked momentarily. Luna started to talk, putting as much calmness into her voice as she could
“Try taking slow and deep breaths from now on. Focus on the way your body moves with each breath and try to let go of distractions. Close your eyes if it helps.”
Crystal Note nodded and let her eyes close and her head sank down on the bed. The next few breaths came forcibly slow but after half a dozen breaths, Luna saw the pony’s shoulders sag down a little when she exhaled, so she continued
“I’m going to mention some parts of your body and if you can you shall try to focus on those parts along breathing. Know that while relaxing, you might lose track of the words I use. Do not feel alarmed if such happens, it’s fine, expected even.”

Crystal Note nodded slightly again, trying to keep her body to hold still, but her ears stayed perked up and turned towards Luna’s direction.
The princess slowed down as she talked
“First, notice how your body moves when you inhale. Feel your muscles tense up each time you draw in air from around you. It’s only a slight increase of tension, but once you focus on it, you can feel it clearly at every single inhaling.

When you exhale, the air flows out of you and as it does, notice the tensed muscles relax again. Notice how you can increase this relaxation with each breath as each time you exhale, you let the air flow out of you very slowly. Just as slowly as your muscles loosen up.”

Luna kept close watch as the breathing slowed down further and further, then continued in her calm voice
“Realize that parts of your body are more ready to relax, coming more at ease with each breath. Your chest only tenses up ever so slightly when you inhale, but relaxes immensely when you exhale, making the relaxation grow further and further as you breathe. Feel the relaxation spread from your chest down your body, into your rump. Down each of your legs, passing your shoulders, your flanks.
Like your chest, you notice the tension only slightly each time you inhale, but your muscles relaxing more and more as you exhale.”

As she talked, Luna saw Crystal Notes shoulders sink down onto the bed, her legs stretching out a little as she rolled slightly to her side
“And as your body keeps on relaxing, feel the air flow into your body with each breath, the tension almost gone now, each breath slow and deep, without any effort at all. Notice now how your body transforms the air inside you, creating a source of warmth in your chest. Each breath you take adds a little more warmth to you, gently and slowly.
And as you exhale and your body relaxes, feel the warmth spread out as slowly. The warmth follows the trail of your muscles and helps them relax further. Let it flow down your body, into your legs, helping you relax more and more.
It’s easy to just breathe and relax, you barely have to think about it anymore. You can focus on the warmth instead and how it spreads and relaxes you. Each time you breathe in, you feel warm. Each time you exhale, you relax. Warmth and relaxation, blending into each other, your warm muscles easy to relax further, your relaxed limps readily accepting the warmth.”

A smile entered Luna’s features when she heard a small but happy sigh from the pony on the bed. Encouraged, she kept going gently
“As your body grows relaxed and pleasantly warm, even the tension in your neck melts away. The warmth follows and flows up, to your head. Feel as your neck, your throat and soon after all the muscles in your face relax. The bed beneath you is soft, let yourself sink down as the warmth spreads out all over your body now.
With each breath, the warmth washes over your body, from the tip of your horn all the way to the sole of your hooves.”

Luna watched the crystal pony as she sprawled out on the bed and kept silent for a few minutes. Crystal Note was not yet asleep, but the pony had entered a meditative state of deep relaxation and a smile was permanent on her features. As Luna had expected, the crystal mare had carried far too much stress and tension inside her for the better of three days now. Hence why the mare accepted each of her words and suggestions so readily, her body was simply aching to relax.
So far, so good. Now, they would reach the hard part.

Luna granted her a few more minutes of silent relaxation before she started to speak again
“You’re doing very well, Crystal Note. Keep taking these slow and deep breaths and let your body relax even further. You deserve this relaxation and warmth, you’re allowed to enjoy them to the fullest.
With your body relaxed, it’s now your mind that wishes to follow. Take a deep breath and slowly focus on your mind now.”
The deep breath came, but it turned into a gasp and a shiver running over the pony's body. Luna had anticipated something like this and carefully put her hoof on Crystal Note's shoulder
"There is nothing to fear. You're safe and your friends are near to come to your aid. Keep breathing and relaxing like you learned to do."

After a few more shuddering breaths, Crystal Note calmed back down visibly and returned to the slow and even rhythm of breathing. Luna kept her hoof on her shoulder with a gentle pressure and went on
"As you breathe, feel the warmth spread out further. Your body all relaxed now, let it seep into your mind as well, just a little with each breath."
Again Luna waited for a couple more breaths, then continued talking to the crystal pony in her soft voice.

---

Crystal Note was floating on a cloud. It was strange since she wasn't a pegasus, but Luna's voice told her it was fine so she didn't mind. It had been so long since she felt this safe. It felt good to be here, she didn't want to leave.
Then Luna told her to look and everything changed.

She peeked open her eyes and saw she was surrounded by a thick, grey smoke, unable to see through. Her head turned but there was no way out, only more grey. The wisps of smoke trailed closer and they almost locked out the light and the warmth and the voice all together. Crystal Note shivered and curled up, fear rising up inside her and paralysing her.
Breathe.
A single word made through the fog and Crystal Note trusted the voice. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She felt the warmth come back to her, so she did again. Then, the fog pulled back. She smiled and kept breathing like she learned.

She let her breath flow out slowly and another wisp of smoke vanished. Then another and another. A little bit more fog blown away with each breath.
The voice was back but the words didn't reach her. She was not concerned, she felt warm again and the voice meant she was safe. The fog cleared out more and more and Crystal Note started to see shapes behind it.

She didn't really care how long she stood there just breathing and clearing out the fog. She saw a nice field of soft grass around her. It would feel nice to lie down here for a nap, but she didn't feel that tired. She looked up and saw the prettiest sky of stars she'd ever seen. She couldn't see the moon which made her sad. Why was it missing?

Then she heard something other than the voice. She heard it very clearly all around her. It was music, beautiful music played by an entire orchestra it seemed. She looked around but didn’t see anypony beside herself. The music was wonderful, so pretty and very soothing in a way she never heard before. Out of instinct, she hummed along and smiled. Somehow it felt right to do so. The music grew into a wonderful symphony and soon she sang with all her voice. The music had no words for her voice to follow but still she found the right notes to sing, almost like the music was made for her.

With the music, the world surrounding her seemed to grow as well. She could soon see trees in some distance, maybe a forest. Flowers sprouted out of the grassy field and added a sweet and soothing scent to the scenery. She felt a nice breeze blowing through the nightly fields and setting the grass into a lazy sway. It was almost perfect. She looked back up at the sky and added a few notes to the song. Finally, the full moon appeared in the sky of stars. With the biggest smile she had in a long time, Crystal Note sat down in the soft grass and sung the song around her once more.

---

Luna smiled pleased at the dreamscape she was able to call forth with the assistance of Crystal Note. In all honesty, she was surprised how easy it had actually happened. The level of trust of the crystal unicorn had proven profound and resulted in a very quick disentangling of her confusion. While not gone entirely, Luna and Crystal Note were able to reach the core of the mare's mind and mute most of the noisy distraction which had been polluting her thoughts. In essence, the goals set earlier had been reached.

Luna initially decided to give Crystal Note some time to rest now that her mind and body were back in tune and mutually relaxed. However, as soon as the dreamscape was stable, Luna had felt the familiar pull of an invitation into the mare's dream. Her eyes closed as she let herself slip into the other plane and entered the dreamscape.
As soon as she saw inside, her eyes opened wide and her ears perked up surprised. She was welcomed by a very much more detailed version of the dreamscape that she had thought of. Naturally, since they were technically inside Crystal Note's mind at least to some degree, Luna had expected a few personal influences, however she did not assume for the crystal pony to have such control of this creation.

Following her invitation, she materialized herself in some distance of the mare and now also had a chance to appreciate the song of Crystal Note. Luna had heard about the mare's affinity to music, yet now that she could witness her voice with her own ears, she found the words of both young princesses failing to describe it properly. The singing that welcomed her was beyond pleasant. The song struck a cord deep inside her and seemed to resonated through her entire being. She simply felt good listening without being able to point out why exactly. To Luna, it seemed the music was entirely created solely to delight her.

Luna made the short distance to the songstress who upon noticing her gave a beaming smile. The song finally faded but Luna wouldn't let her mood get dampened by it
"It is good to see you smiling again, Crystal Note. How do you feel?"
"Much better. Thank you so much Princess Luna!"
Luna smiled and shook her head
"All I did was show you the way. Everything else you achieved by your own effort."
Crystal Note looked around, taking in the details of her surroundings
"Is this a dream?"
"No. At least, not entirely. It's not easy to explain, this place is very in between. Passage might be an appropriate term to describe."
Crystal Note looked back at Luna, a little hopeful
"So, I won't just wake up and be back like I was before?"
At this, Luna rose her brow
"Like you were before? That's not easy to answer, Crystal Note. Hopefully, your anxiety and fear will be lessened. But you'll still be a crystal unicorn upon awakening and mysteries will shroud your past as long as you not face your memories."

Crystal Note turned her eyes back to the sky, watching the stars and the moon. Luna waited in silence for a decision, then the crystal unicorn stared back at her
"You'd help me explore those memories?"
Luna nodded
"As I said I would."
"Even if..."
Crystal Note wouldn't finish her question but Luna nodded anyways
"Even if you'd turn out to be a villain."
Crystal Note shuddered at the thought and her coat took an darker tone of grey, but she nodded and got on her hooves
"Could we do it now? If we keep waiting, I fear I'll just back out again..."

Instead of answering Luna stomped her hoof on the ground once. In front of them, seemingly out of nowhere, a wooden door appeared. Crystal Note stared at it with a mixture of fear and curiosity, but then reached out for the handle
"A word of warning, Crystal Note. This is not the realm of dreams, but a manifestation of your own mind. I cannot dispel a painful memory like I could with a nightmare. I will do my most to prevent it, but there might be some moments of fear and pain."
Crystal Note hesitated, but only for a few beats, before she pushed open the door
"It can't hurt more than seeing my sister back away because she's afraid of me."
Luna nodded, and together they stepped through the door.

The world around them changed as soon as their hooves touched the ground again. The nightly field of grass and flowers vanished, as did the sky and the stars and any lights
Crystal Note blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to the sudden darkness, but Luna walked on unconcerned.
They walked slowly through what seemed like a long hallway but it was too dark to see any details. Their hooves barely made any sound as they touched the floor. Crystal Note could make out more and more details with each step. For some reason, this hallways didn't have any walls, but there was still only one direction to go.

After a while she saw something glowing faintly in the distance. Luna had seen it far earlier and headed directly towards it. The faint glow turned out to be a smallish ball of light that floated around the edges of the hallway.
Curious and fascinated, Crystal Note only managed to whisper
"What is this?"
Luna took a moment to answer, finding the right words to explain without worrying the mare
"We are travelling through your mind, as stated. This is the oldest part of your mind, your early foalhood. And those lights you see are events your memories of this part of your life."
The mare nodded and looked around the hallways, dark except those distance lights
"But... there's barely anything."
Luna just nodded but remained silent. Crystal Note noticed and whispered
"This is not normal, right? You're worried."
Luna sighed and shook her head
"It's not unusual to forget memories of your earliest years. However, I've never witnessed it to this degree. Whether this is caused naturally or by magic, I'm not able to tell yet."
Crystal Note frowned at this and returned her gaze to ball of light, now almost in her reach
"What kind of memory is this?"
"Only you can tell this. When you're ready, just touch it and we shall see."
Crystal Note stared through the darkness around her once again, before she reached out with her hoof. As soon as she touched the ball, the light glowed brighter until it filled all their vision for a moment, just to fade and allow them to see.