Out of the blue, a unicorn stallion falls from the sky through a crack in time and space ending up in a world that very much surprises him making new friends. Unfortunately, the dark past that he meant to leave behind follows him into the next world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ok, my two biggest complaints so far is that you really haven't added anything significant to this story and you have a real bad habit of glazing over things.
What I mean by the first thing is that even though you've added the whole Hades thing, everything else is happening exactly the same way. A way to kinda show that is the fact that you can glaze over a lot of things. As of this far in the story, you might as well have just written a story for shadow without him interacting with the rest of the main 6. Things would turn out the same. This is a huge issue because the fact that nothing has really changed other than a new character being there, it's not interesting. Fanfictions are what-if scenarios. The big question you should have in mind when writing every chapter of this is "What would happen differently if Shadow was there?" If the answer doesn't involve any major changes to any plot points, you haven't done enough.
8663066
I appreciate the post screamindivr! I'll definitely keep that in mind next chapter.
Umm, fuck off. You just got FORCEFULLY DRAFTED AND YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK? WHERE IS YOUR SPINE BITCH BOY?
Yeah, no shit.
I don't either- that's the problem. I have no clue what is happening. If this continues more than 3 chapters I'm going to have to put this down. The plot just kind of jumps to random points. If I didn't have EXTENSIVE knowledge of the MLP universe I wouldn't know Who the Mane 6 are, who the Princesses are, who Discord is, know what the Elements of harmony are, ETC...
Let me write up know so far, with inferences based on this knowledge..
Main character is Shadow Faze, he as some entity in his head called Atone who is an annoyance that seems to throw old memories at MC without context to mess with MC. MC was teleported to Equestria through unknown means, and began to do battle with Timberwolves and teleport nearly an eighth of the way across the country to the capital, with no signs of fatigue. This means that he has magical reserves on par or greater that Twilight Sparkle. Immediately after he ran from The Ruler of the Nation with ease. Showing that he has a reaction time greater than Princess Celestia.
Time passes and he does direct battle with Nightmare Moon who is the transformation of Princess Luna.---
Let's stop here, Luna is the one who went to war more often than not so she had SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS to polish her fighting technique--- She WAS STOMPED INTO THE GROUND BY OUR UNKNOWN MC with an UNKNOWN sword that is very powerful. The sword clearly has abilities that are unknown and unexplained.
--- Continuing, Luna returns, MC gets Blasted by a pissed off Celestia and ends up in a hospital.
MC awakens gets an apology and all is well. MC becomes friends with all known characters up to this point--- for unknown reasons--- and gets a Golden ticket to go to a Ball. At said ball MC fights and kills denizens of Hell who are equipped with Alicorn slaying gear With no effort.
---Keep in mind my first comment on Luna, because the Hell minions wold have to be strong enough to kill Luna easily, as can be seen by her struggle before MC steps in with his still unknown sword.(we know a name but that is all)---
Ball continues as if nothing happens...
MC sleeps in Twi's tree, time passes and MC is summoned to the Capital be the Rulers (Because there are 2 now) and it is promptly revealed that Hades wants to resume his Alicorn murder plan. Celestia tells MC to deal with it, MC says "I'm not in your army." And Tia responds with "You are now." MC hops to it like the beta male he is and sits in a park only to realize the weather is wonky. He goes back to the castle in time to hear about Discord being free, instantly solves a riddle, and gets fucked right outside a hedge maze. MC wakes up, beats the hell out of Dissy, Dissy tells them that 2 more powerful saiyans will arrive wi--- I mean that there will be more enemies to come.
10309728
Without Knowing the MLP-Verse it looks like this
Main character is Shadow Faze, he as some entity in his head called Atone who is an annoyance that seems to throw old memories at MC without context to mess with MC. MC was teleported to Equestria through unknown means, and began to do battle with some Timberwolves--- what are timberwolves?--- beats them and teleports into some womans house and realises that he is in trouble and runs after seeing her naked.
Shit happens and he follows these weird chicks who are messing with manticores--- What is a manticore?--- He fights some clearly evil chick called Nightmare Moon--- Who the fuck is NM?--- Wins and gets blasted by the previously naked woman.
MC wakes up gets an apology followed by a bunch of names with no context, and becomes friends with these people for no apparent reason. MC gets a Golden ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and goes to a boring ball.--- Where is it being held?--- MC fights a bunch of hell denizens who are going to kill Luna and promptly kills them instead.
MC gets summoned to the capital to talk with Tia and Lulu and basically told to go do my dirty work now by Tia.More shit happens and MC fight Dissy Kicks his ass and realizes that there will be more enemies to come.
Here's the worst part.... This ALL HAPPENS IN 3 CHAPTERS.... 1st chapter was 4k words, 2nd chapter was about 3k, and 3rd chapter was about 3k words too.
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I get it, It is hard to write a story. I do, I tried. However it seems that you had an idea of what you were going to do, and went for it without the big picture in your mind. To me, that will break a story, Like I said, I will continue 3 chapters, but if this doesn't change then I'll have to drop this story. I made this 3 separate comments to keep each from getting Insanely wordy, and it still kind of did but that should show just how much this bothers me.
10309746
Yeah. Thank you for pointing out some of the flaws for these chapters. It's always nice to hear of ways to improve each chapter. I honestly didn't know what else to add for them, but now I have a few ideas to patch these areas. But things like the sword the MC uses are too complicated at this point to be explained into words. And so is the Alicorn killing sword. I shoved and used their ideas for an different book. Again, I appreciate the constructive criticism and I'll add what I can to shed more light to have things more enjoyable for the other chapters. I mainly made this series of books with the goal of this making him ratehr mysterious toward the end too. Thank you for your time, Luna is back.