Umm this chapter has a very different tone to it. I don't have a problem with clop (especially in this case as they are married), but the word choice made it feel very dirty and carnal and I felt it took away from the sweet romance of the previous chapters. Don't get me wrong I love clop as long as it's straight, but this chapter kinda tarnished a romantic and heart warming story. I don't mean to offend, this is how I feel, even if the clop was well written.
I second this guy, except the part about liking clop. Honestly, I just hate the horrible image in my head. I just hate when stories start out as sweet fairy tale romances and then get reduced to porn.
Wow.....wanting a foal so fast seconds after they are married? Don't you think that rushing, they should at least wait a few years if anything, though the clop was good, had no problem with it, it was honest and caring....nice
I feel as though this story is incomplete, the characters as they are right now seem so hollow. Everything is too perfect, Equestria has issues like any other place also, Princess Cadence was beaten in this story but all of a sudden she is like "stay with me?" with a stallion she doesn't even know? there is no story really its like eating a sandwich with nothing in it but Mayonnaise Shining has no prior experience with dealing with mares especially a princess the highest pony on the social meter don't you think he might be i don't know hesitant around her?
Saving her or no. I think the whole thing is rushed so fast that not even rainbow can keep up. they don't fight they don't have bad dates they don't even have much emotion they seem like drones its either she is happy or she is crying Shining has no emotion at all he is like "don't cry" and thats it. He magically make her feel better life is not so simple, ponies are not so simple. There is always something that goes wrong in every situation, and that is what makes a story appealing to readers. I mean the idea of the story itself is not a bad idea, but i am going to be honest here its too perfect, too rushed. Add some flavor to your story give attention to detail like I said a fic is like a delicious sandvich. It needs meat for more detail lettuce for emotion and character development some tomato for own personal flare and, cheese for the Situations the characters find themselves in. But my point is there are no Changling's as far as I can tell no involvement at at in earlier chapters for emotional buildup. no drama besides Champion, who was your only complete character he had motivation he had detail he had reasons he is your key component for your whole fic to even function. hurting cadence is mean and all but it had purpose. which was to set up the two main characters together but which then decided to say "fuck my life I'm gonna go marry this chick and she's going to like it!" which killed the story entirely in my view. overall id give the story 3/10 its not too bad but its not readable either I'm sorry to say you have potential but this story needs help right now and you have the talent for it i can see it everybody starts somewhere so good job i know its not easy getting your work out there for people like me to criticize keep at it and you will be writing masterpieces someday. :)
Umm this chapter has a very different tone to it. I don't have a problem with clop (especially in this case as they are married), but the word choice made it feel very dirty and carnal and I felt it took away from the sweet romance of the previous chapters. Don't get me wrong I love clop as long as it's straight, but this chapter kinda tarnished a romantic and heart warming story. I don't mean to offend, this is how I feel, even if the clop was well written.
915737
I second this guy, except the part about liking clop. Honestly, I just hate the horrible image in my head. I just hate when stories start out as sweet fairy tale romances and then get reduced to porn.
I'm fine if it's implied though.
Wow.....wanting a foal so fast seconds after they are married? Don't you think that rushing, they should at least wait a few years if anything, though the clop was good, had no problem with it, it was honest and caring....nice
Wtf they had sex on grass like really they couldn't wait till they get to a room well anyways loved the chapter not one for flop really
Stupid spell check I ment clop not flop
I feel as though this story is incomplete, the characters as they are right now seem so hollow. Everything is too perfect, Equestria has issues like any other place also, Princess Cadence was beaten in this story but all of a sudden she is like "stay with me?" with a stallion she doesn't even know? there is no story really its like eating a sandwich with nothing in it but Mayonnaise Shining has no prior experience with dealing with mares especially a princess the highest pony on the social meter don't you think he might be i don't know hesitant around her?
Saving her or no. I think the whole thing is rushed so fast that not even rainbow can keep up. they don't fight they don't have bad dates they don't even have much emotion they seem like drones its either she is happy or she is crying Shining has no emotion at all he is like "don't cry" and thats it. He magically make her feel better life is not so simple, ponies are not so simple. There is always something that goes wrong in every situation, and that is what makes a story appealing to readers. I mean the idea of the story itself is not a bad idea, but i am going to be honest here its too perfect, too rushed. Add some flavor to your story give attention to detail like I said a fic is like a delicious sandvich. It needs meat for more detail lettuce for emotion and character development some tomato for own personal flare and, cheese for the Situations the characters find themselves in. But my point is there are no Changling's as far as I can tell no involvement at at in earlier chapters for emotional buildup. no drama besides Champion, who was your only complete character he had motivation he had detail he had reasons he is your key component for your whole fic to even function. hurting cadence is mean and all but it had purpose. which was to set up the two main characters together but which then decided to say "fuck my life I'm gonna go marry this chick and she's going to like it!" which killed the story entirely in my view. overall id give the story 3/10 its not too bad but its not readable either I'm sorry to say you have potential but this story needs help right now and you have the talent for it i can see it everybody starts somewhere so good job i know its not easy getting your work out there for people like me to criticize keep at it and you will be writing masterpieces someday. :)