Needs some editing but liking the story so far.

I want to see were this is going

Wow. Someone had to delete my comment because they couldn’t handle criticism. How pathetic.

8217165
Calling my story shit, and “"a shining example of why Commission fics suck” is not criticizing, that is flaming. If you want to provide provide more than an opinion, provide evidence, actual feedback. Otherwise I will lock the flies from the oil, and carry on as I have.

8217326
Fine. With any fanfic there is bound to be an out of character scenario and I understand that. However the ominous chess game set up at night and Twilight accepting a “gift” and a wager from the random guy sitting there is way to out of character in my book. No one can be that trusting, especially Twilight Sparkle. This James character is supposed to be a former teacher but he has supposed knowledge of mind control magic. Sorry but I find that a bitter pill to swallow as a whole. Then there is the mirror itself. Any individual through the mirror would have to change based on how it has appeared to operate in Equestria Girls. You simply chose to defy that to keep James a human for the story. Plus there is no mentions of Youtube or Twitter or Facebook in the Equestrian Girls universe that I am aware of so this guy pulling that excuse out doesn’t fly well with me. Then there is the necklace itself. In a land “full of magic” it’s function would pretty much be exposed in the open. To finish this point, Spike would not hesitate to send word to Celestia with how the flow of how things have occurred. If you know anything where Spike and Twilight are concerned, she is very important to him. Without a doubt if something were wrong with Twilight and clearly it is with the plot you set up, Spike would contact Celestia without hesitation. So case point made why so far I think so low of this story.

8217486
Thanks for taking the time to actually explain your thoughts to me, an outside perspective is refreshing.
Now I'll openly admit it's far from my proudest work, the fact I have to justify something in a Review rather than in the story proper is more than a bit embarrassing to me. Still, I'll do my best to explain where I was coming from sonic you would, please explain how I could have presented this better.
Now, Twilight Sparkle to me is an intelligent young woman, but on a whole her species is more than a bit naive. Case in point, Trixie purchasing the Alicorn Amulet from a well-informed shop owner while dressed like she belongs in a cult. So it didn't seem that out of the ordinary to me that Twilight would take the man at face value when he said the ominous setting was just for show, and scenery. The gift she wouldn't have turned down either since Generosity is held in high regard among the Mane Six especially. And being a student of the high ruler of her land I don't think she would have doubted her ability to win a guide through chess, even without the necklace already suppressing her inhibitions.
Next, the human in Equestria bit. We have no evidence that humans who pass through that mirror have to transform. You could argue Sunset Shimmer of course, but she was born a pony so the mirror would have of course turned her back. But no one from the human world has crossed into Equestria yet. The closest we have is Pinkie poking her face in the portal, but that was inconclusive. And anything involving Pinkie is up for debate on acount of “"Pinkie Pie, don't question it” logic.
As for Spike, yes, he knows something is up, but he doesn't know what. That's why he reached out to her friends. As for why them first instead of the Princesses, it seems Celestia has a method of teaching that involves letting her subjects learn to stand on their own just as much as they depend on her. That's why she's so hooves-off with most the series. So why wouldn't Spike assume Twilight and Co should try to handle it on their own first?
As for the human magic, it's very different from Equestrian magic so it could go unnoticed. I'll go into the sciences of this in later chapters.
So that's my reasoning, the floor is yours my good fellow.

8217486
I disagree with a lot of your points.

Princess Twilight would definitely accept a necklace from a random stranger. Remember, back in her home town, Pinkie throws parties for newcomers who aren’t even aware of her existence yet. The first EQ movie had a website looking very much like Youtube:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/6/23/355092__safe_apple+bloom_equestria+girls_equestria+girls+%28movie%29_barcode_youtube.png
And magic items don’t scream out their functions just because you don’t like what they do. Remember Inspiration Manifestation? Or the Alicorn Amulet? Or the Mirror Pool? Could you tell what they would do before they were used or before you heard the name? Or that they were magical, for that matter? Remember the Staff of Sameness that turned out to be a harmless piece of wood?

Some of your points are more valid, such as Spike being a little too trusting or him not turning into a pony. However, I also think you’re letting your dislike for the subject matter colour the rest of your criticism.

8217699
I understand that ponies can be naive and you make a prime example with Trixie. However during the events of her brother’s wedding, Twilight proved to be not so naive and that pretty much carried on after that. Therefore I stand by my disagreement on Twilight not being that naive. My other doubt is Spike going to the rest of the Mane Six for help on the issue basically because the douche bag (I refuse to use his name due to his obvious intentions and such) has Twilight under his stead to agree with whatever he says. He can effectively hide behind her and there really is nothing her friends can do to counteract that. Going with the logic of Celestia being hooves-off, there will be no “good” end to this, so it’s honestly a lose-lose situation all the way around. I would honestly have more vested interest in the story if I knew douche bag would get the karmic justice he richly deserves. He is an egotistical prick who thinks rather highly of himself and it is always fun to watch karma deliver her sword of justice to individuals like that. Seeing as this a commission based story and by the tags associated with it I know that’s not going to happen. On that note I bid you farewell and maybe I will pop in again when you have a story that’s not so rushed to the sex and not a commissioned one that gives an unfair edge to evil.

On a side note though, I have been reading stories on here for quite some time and I have never encountered one where I believe a weapon needs to drawn a character needs to be put into the ground for good after one chapter. The human character of this story changed that.

8219226
Feel free to disagree as you please. I stand by my points but I will say this much though. Just because there is a website similar to Youtube doesn’t give way to fact that there is another world parallel to theirs, after all My Little Pony is a show in the Equestrian Girls universe. So I still call bullshit the excuse James used. I never said the necklace would scream it’s function while in Equestria. I merely made a point that wouldn’t a magic item become noticed in a land saturated in magic? And I am allowed to have my own likes and dislikes and this story falls into a category I’m not fond of and I can voice my dislikes the same as you. Good day and farewell to you.

8219653
Of course you can! Just as others can call them out when they think people are being unreasonable in their criticism!

8219789
Fair arguements all around, so why don't we all just agree to disagree? Though all feedback has been a great deal of food for thought, even if the flavor may be a bit bitter. Rest assured I'll take it to heart so why don't we all just see how the next chapter turns out once I get around to it?

Not sure when that will be, I have other commitments of course.

So it starts out with your typical horror story set up the jumps to porno, including dialog. That's a major rush job right there, for the sake of the commission if I had to guess. To top that off "James" and his lovely ego go back to Equestria where he still is human and still has power over Twilight via the necklace. Then to top it off, Spike contacts the other members of the Mane Six (for the sake of the clop plot right?) instead of Princess Celestia, who would be the smart choice seeing as he is very concerned about how Twilight is acting. Overall it has very little real starting as a story and the character actions are nonsensical in accordance with the situation. This could have played out a whole lot better if it wasn't rushed.

8219789
And others can call you out and tell you to choke on your comment you little worm.

8448325
I can't stop you from being a jerk, that's true.