- Member Since 24th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen March 9th
Warden of Monsters
I am He who explores infinite possible realities through the magic of literature!
Warden of Monsters
Joined 24th Feb, 2015 ·
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Needs some editing but liking the story so far.
I want to see were this is going
Wow. Someone had to delete my comment because they couldn’t handle criticism. How pathetic.
8217165
Calling my story shit, and “"a shining example of why Commission fics suck” is not criticizing, that is flaming. If you want to provide provide more than an opinion, provide evidence, actual feedback. Otherwise I will lock the flies from the oil, and carry on as I have.
8217326
Fine. With any fanfic there is bound to be an out of character scenario and I understand that. However the ominous chess game set up at night and Twilight accepting a “gift” and a wager from the random guy sitting there is way to out of character in my book. No one can be that trusting, especially Twilight Sparkle. This James character is supposed to be a former teacher but he has supposed knowledge of mind control magic. Sorry but I find that a bitter pill to swallow as a whole. Then there is the mirror itself. Any individual through the mirror would have to change based on how it has appeared to operate in Equestria Girls. You simply chose to defy that to keep James a human for the story. Plus there is no mentions of Youtube or Twitter or Facebook in the Equestrian Girls universe that I am aware of so this guy pulling that excuse out doesn’t fly well with me. Then there is the necklace itself. In a land “full of magic” it’s function would pretty much be exposed in the open. To finish this point, Spike would not hesitate to send word to Celestia with how the flow of how things have occurred. If you know anything where Spike and Twilight are concerned, she is very important to him. Without a doubt if something were wrong with Twilight and clearly it is with the plot you set up, Spike would contact Celestia without hesitation. So case point made why so far I think so low of this story.
8217486
Thanks for taking the time to actually explain your thoughts to me, an outside perspective is refreshing.
Now I'll openly admit it's far from my proudest work, the fact I have to justify something in a Review rather than in the story proper is more than a bit embarrassing to me. Still, I'll do my best to explain where I was coming from sonic you would, please explain how I could have presented this better.
Now, Twilight Sparkle to me is an intelligent young woman, but on a whole her species is more than a bit naive. Case in point, Trixie purchasing the Alicorn Amulet from a well-informed shop owner while dressed like she belongs in a cult. So it didn't seem that out of the ordinary to me that Twilight would take the man at face value when he said the ominous setting was just for show, and scenery. The gift she wouldn't have turned down either since Generosity is held in high regard among the Mane Six especially. And being a student of the high ruler of her land I don't think she would have doubted her ability to win a guide through chess, even without the necklace already suppressing her inhibitions.
Next, the human in Equestria bit. We have no evidence that humans who pass through that mirror have to transform. You could argue Sunset Shimmer of course, but she was born a pony so the mirror would have of course turned her back. But no one from the human world has crossed into Equestria yet. The closest we have is Pinkie poking her face in the portal, but that was inconclusive. And anything involving Pinkie is up for debate on acount of “"Pinkie Pie, don't question it” logic.
As for Spike, yes, he knows something is up, but he doesn't know what. That's why he reached out to her friends. As for why them first instead of the Princesses, it seems Celestia has a method of teaching that involves letting her subjects learn to stand on their own just as much as they depend on her. That's why she's so hooves-off with most the series. So why wouldn't Spike assume Twilight and Co should try to handle it on their own first?
As for the human magic, it's very different from Equestrian magic so it could go unnoticed. I'll go into the sciences of this in later chapters.
So that's my reasoning, the floor is yours my good fellow.
8217486
I disagree with a lot of your points.
Princess Twilight would definitely accept a necklace from a random stranger. Remember, back in her home town, Pinkie throws parties for newcomers who aren’t even aware of her existence yet. The first EQ movie had a website looking very much like Youtube:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/6/23/355092__safe_apple+bloom_equestria+girls_equestria+girls+%28movie%29_barcode_youtube.png
And magic items don’t scream out their functions just because you don’t like what they do. Remember Inspiration Manifestation? Or the Alicorn Amulet? Or the Mirror Pool? Could you tell what they would do before they were used or before you heard the name? Or that they were magical, for that matter? Remember the Staff of Sameness that turned out to be a harmless piece of wood?
Some of your points are more valid, such as Spike being a little too trusting or him not turning into a pony. However, I also think you’re letting your dislike for the subject matter colour the rest of your criticism.
8217699
I understand that ponies can be naive and you make a prime example with Trixie. However during the events of her brother’s wedding, Twilight proved to be not so naive and that pretty much carried on after that. Therefore I stand by my disagreement on Twilight not being that naive. My other doubt is Spike going to the rest of the Mane Six for help on the issue basically because the douche bag (I refuse to use his name due to his obvious intentions and such) has Twilight under his stead to agree with whatever he says. He can effectively hide behind her and there really is nothing her friends can do to counteract that. Going with the logic of Celestia being hooves-off, there will be no “good” end to this, so it’s honestly a lose-lose situation all the way around. I would honestly have more vested interest in the story if I knew douche bag would get the karmic justice he richly deserves. He is an egotistical prick who thinks rather highly of himself and it is always fun to watch karma deliver her sword of justice to individuals like that. Seeing as this a commission based story and by the tags associated with it I know that’s not going to happen. On that note I bid you farewell and maybe I will pop in again when you have a story that’s not so rushed to the sex and not a commissioned one that gives an unfair edge to evil.
On a side note though, I have been reading stories on here for quite some time and I have never encountered one where I believe a weapon needs to drawn a character needs to be put into the ground for good after one chapter. The human character of this story changed that.
8219226
Feel free to disagree as you please. I stand by my points but I will say this much though. Just because there is a website similar to Youtube doesn’t give way to fact that there is another world parallel to theirs, after all My Little Pony is a show in the Equestrian Girls universe. So I still call bullshit the excuse James used. I never said the necklace would scream it’s function while in Equestria. I merely made a point that wouldn’t a magic item become noticed in a land saturated in magic? And I am allowed to have my own likes and dislikes and this story falls into a category I’m not fond of and I can voice my dislikes the same as you. Good day and farewell to you.
8219653
Of course you can! Just as others can call them out when they think people are being unreasonable in their criticism!
8219789
Fair arguements all around, so why don't we all just agree to disagree? Though all feedback has been a great deal of food for thought, even if the flavor may be a bit bitter. Rest assured I'll take it to heart so why don't we all just see how the next chapter turns out once I get around to it?
Not sure when that will be, I have other commitments of course.
I'm amazed they would believe a guy who wasn't upfront about the mind-magic he was putting on Twilight just because he blamed someone they only know to be thoughtlessly rude. Seems like a big step.
Also, Twilight? Your human self almost destroyed two worlds. Should we be concerned about you now? Blaming interdimensional counterparts can be rather dangerous like that.
Anyhow, quick note: In dialogue, when characters address one another, you normally put a comma in front of the name to avoid misunderstandings. For example:
has a different meaning than
8439204 Dully noted, and I plan for Twilight to (mostly) wise up next chapter. Be a bit less naive than her species as a whole. That'll be a ways off though, reasons are in the notes for this chapter.
I find this story rather intriguing, albeit I am confused by the end. I mean, he seemed like an okay guy, considering the collar wasn't that bad as one could believe at the beginning. The end suggests he has some villainy plans ahead though.
8440326
That is entirely the point my dear Watson. In my opinion the best stories are unpredictable in their plot, so my goal is to keep the reader guessing till the end.
So it starts out with your typical horror story set up the jumps to porno, including dialog. That's a major rush job right there, for the sake of the commission if I had to guess. To top that off "James" and his lovely ego go back to Equestria where he still is human and still has power over Twilight via the necklace. Then to top it off, Spike contacts the other members of the Mane Six (for the sake of the clop plot right?) instead of Princess Celestia, who would be the smart choice seeing as he is very concerned about how Twilight is acting. Overall it has very little real starting as a story and the character actions are nonsensical in accordance with the situation. This could have played out a whole lot better if it wasn't rushed.
Just as I suspected with this chapter, more disappointment. There was a glimmer of hope when Spike attacked James but sadly that glimmer was snuffed out. And of course our wonderful little ego-tripping human is still up to no good. I truly hope he gets what he deserves but the way this story is going, I sincerely doubt it will happen. As it is with clop based commission fics, like this one, the antagonist will most likely succeed. That disappoints me greatly, for I would love to karmatic justice rip James apart for his transgressions.
8219789
And others can call you out and tell you to choke on your comment you little worm.
8448325
I can't stop you from being a jerk, that's true.
So the jack-off admits about the enchantment on the choker and why his dumb ass was fired from the school. Then Spike tests it and attacks the jack-off, wonderful. I got to admit I liked him referencing Twilight as his mother, I am a sucker for tender moments like that. Then you gotta go and ruin it with Spike agreeing to test said choker on Rarity (which is complete bullshit by the way) and then the jack-off screws Twilight after speaking a bout tender mother moment. Way to go, we go from a rushed first chapter to a second chapter that mixes tender moments with cheap porno. Way to fucking go for another disappointing chapter.
8456285
if you hate the fic so much, why bother reading it? just to say you hate it and make yourself look lake a manifest of the dead sea?
8500710
I read it to see where it will go. You obviously don't read enough to understand that no story, book or otherwise can be judged merely by the first two chapters. I may not like the first two chapters and how they flow but there is always a possibility for something to change depending on the events. I am one who gives most stories a chance with three to five chapters (depending) to truly see the story's true potential. That and everyone is entitled to opinions, positive or negative.
8521094
while i do read alot- like i read every changling fic on fimfiction in about 4 months- i agree that we all are intitaled to our opinions. and i also agree that a story should be given time to show how well it does rather than just the first chapter.
Some of the best stories take some of the longest brakes hoping this continue soon
8528418
I’d be able to get to writing much sooner if I had Patrons. Someone once pointed out that working within the word limit of a Commission limits what I can do for chapters, so I’m hoping Patreon will allow me to work at my own level.
Sadly I don’t have any yet. Seriously though, if I just had 50 Patrons each doing the $10 pledges at least then I could afford to be putting out updates every week instead of the long periods of silence.
Done
8528910
Wow, really? Thanks!
Yeah, I'm not sure why there's so much bitching about this story. I mean, it's mind-control fetish porn. Says so right on the tin. And so far, James is pretty tame for being the (choose your prefix)tagonist of one of these things.
8534381
Personally this beats what I was once getting. Folks were saying the story was just utter trash, and when I deleted those comments they tried making fun of me for it. I just told them it wasn’t constructive criticism, and to try again. At least now my critics are going in depth with what they don’t like, and it gives me some idea where I can improve as a writer, so I don’t mind it too much so long as it isn’t hating for the sake of hating
So I’m hoping the next chapter has a bit more depth to the story than it has so far. I mean my client can only do increments of $25 a chappie, so that’s roughoy 5,000 give or take a few hundred depending on how the story writes out. Trying to fix that issue with a Patreon account so I can make due off of monthly donations instead of Commissions. If I can just get 50 folks doing the $10 donations it’ll go a long way towards easing reality off my back... Hard battle honestly, I only have one Patron. Look...
https://www.patreon.com/HTKWolfe777
This story is interesting... But I think there is more to James then meets the eye... Even if he was from the human world he should have turned into a pony when he entered the mirror. I think he has an enchantment on himself so he can stay human... Don't know if that's the route you're going but it is still a fascinating idea.
8591094
Not exactly. He does know magic as of obvious from the collar, but the mirror had no reason to change him. I have a theory about how that mirror works, I just tweaked it a bit for this story.
Basically when/if the mirror changes a creature it is to help that creature survive better on the other side. Magic runs rampant in Equestria so ponies are constantly in synch with the flow of magic entering then leaving their bodies (pinkie sense anypony?), but in the human world it does not which is why equestrian magic needs a medium to work such as music or magical items.
My theory is if a pony came to the human world as a pony then their body would quickly bleed itself of magic as it tried to synch with a flow of magic that isn’t there or is in very short supply, which could result in anything from seizures to death. So the mirror morphs ponies into humans passing through so they can contain their magical energy until a medium helps them release it. However humans are not inherently magical so there’s no real need for them to change since they have to conciously channel magic for it to enter their bodies.
Ergo, human in Equestria! And until natural born humans come through that mirror, and get turned into ponies by it I’m sticking by my theory.
8591124
Okay. But I still don't trust him. He gives off the "I'm evil but I mask it so well" vibe to me.
It's a little interesting... Is this going to continue?
There were a fwmew times where you mistyped James as names but apart from that really good
8695712 I hope so I'm planning on continuing it I'm just waiting on the author he seems a little busy I guess.
Do you know if this story will continue?
Any chance you will continue this.