My Last Night
Wander through the streets of Perth, Australia
You might be lucky enough to find a little bar down a black alley called
‘Daily Planet’
In this little place you’ll find a whole bunch of strange characters that’s because its Perth’s one and only cosplay bar.
Anime characters, video game avatars, and anything in between can be found drinking and talking and listening to the piano being played, by a guy dressed up as a gentleman, ninja, cowboy, Mighty Morphing Power Ranger, or whatever he bloody well feels like dressing up as.
That guy is, or rather, was me.
On this particular night, my last on earth, it was, if I remember correctly, a Tuesday. Most Tuesdays the only reason I would be there playing is because I did not have any homework for engineering or chemistry set by my university. This was one of those Tuesdays.
A gust of wind pronounced the entrance of another character dressed in black. Black suit, black leather boots, black coat, black fedora, and a blood red tie. This dress wasn’t unusual classic vampire fare, but he still created quite a surprise, as around here we hadn’t seen a vampire costume in a while, cause of all the bad (or good, depending on if you’re normal or, a screaming little girl or her sexually dissatisfied mother) press. Still I‘d always liked vampires, especially the good old ones, who could change form, not go out in the sun, and where all in it for the blood. So I called him over determined to see what made him so brave, and so with a wave of my hand I, unknowingly, sealed my fate.
“Hey mate,” I said “I haven’t seen a decent vampire in a while, what brings you to my neck of the woods?”
“Play me this song and I might tell you” he said handing me a piece of paper with the words “Lucerna Laudoniae” on it. This surprised me, I’d never had a request for a biblical song before, but hey, this just made me more curious. And so of I went singing and playing in my baritone voice, I was pretty much allowed to play whatever I wanted, and the management said I always had to fulfil requests, no matter how weird, so I had played plenty of game ditties and the like in my time.
“For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which, from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Christ, our God, to thee we raise
This our sacrifice of praise.
For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale, and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light.
For the joy of ear and eye,
For the heart and mind’s delight,
For the mystic harmony
Linking sense to sound and sight,
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild,
For each perfect gift of thine
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heaven”
When I finished I turned to my side, expecting to see the vampire there, but instead found him with his tongue halfway down the throat of a Japanese Lolita (doll girl), who was kissing back just as hard. I decided that I didn’t want to interrupt their fun so left them to it, so I went back to just playing whatever the hell I felt like. Until about a half hour later, when I felt a tap on my shoulder, this caused me to jump in my seat, as i had not sensed anybody behind me in anyway. When I had calmed down, I turned around, and saw the vampire from earlier, sans the Lolita.
He cleared his throat and said “sorry about that, I have not been intimate in a while and she was being very suggestive, I just had to take advantage of the situation, however I now realise that I have made a grave error in my behaviour, and insulted the very person I wished to converse with”.
“That’s all right man, no skin of my nose, now what do you wanna talk about, my blood sucking brother?” I questioned him.
“Ah yes” he said “I want to talk to you about ponies, specifically bright coloured, talking ones”. This scared the shiznit out of me, no one, and I mean, no one, knew I was a brony, the crowd at the Daily Planet was pretty accepting but MLP: FiM just was not big enough down under to make it respectable or acceptable to be a fan.
“How the fuck did you know?” I whispered to him, now trying to keep the conversation as quite as possible.
“It seems that I have more information on you than you do on me, James Clash” he said. “Oh shit, how did he know my name?” was the last though I had as, he reached over and touched my forehead, and I blacked out.
I woke up in my chair in my living room, with him watching “My Little Pony” on my TV, I got scared, fucking frightened, not because he was here, but if my parents came home, this situation would be impossible to explain, especially since I didn’t know what it was, that was going on. He noticed I was awake, and came over to me and started talking.
“When you have lived as long as I have James, you learn to appreciate three things in life, love, laughter, and music” he smiled at me, in a friendly manner that actually reassured me a little. “You have all these qualities in spades, and so I am here, through favours owed me by other’s like myself, to give you my abilities, my immortality, my metamorphosis, and my heightened strengths on all fronts” he dictated, as if I mattered nought in the matter.
“Why?” I asked, not believing him, but trying to stall for time, and none the less, I figured at least it might be interesting to hear, in a morbid fascination.
“I have lived far too long, and have been caught unaware by recent happenings in Equestria” he explained “and I now know that, though I may be able to help in this clash, I shall not, as it is time for me to ascend to a higher life form on the next plane, and so I chose you as my successor, as lord of the night, last vampire, and protector of those who cannot protect themselves”. “Your mission from now, is to find those whom are introduced by evil elements in this game, the unsavoury humans that should not be allowed to exist in that world, and remove them from it” he declared, and then with a flick of his fingers, for the second time that night, everything went dark.
Crazy as it may seem, I still didn’t realise that I was no longer conscious, spending hours conversing with myself in a strangely lucid dream, until I started hearing a tapping, incessantly drilling itself into my brain, concerning my very dream self, to ask what was occurring in the real world. Having realised I was dreaming the strangely sexual ice-cream I was talking to disappeared and rising from my sleep, I tried to open my eyes, but found this difficult, to say the least.
In other words, “oh fuck, I can’t see shit” but as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I realised where I was, was completely devoid of light. That is, until I tried to get up and promptly fell out of what I assumed was a, very small, very compact, nigh on form fitting, bed, and created a large amount of noise, both from my expressions of anguish of having introduced my head to the floor, and also the general noise that this introduction would have created, when I found that the creation of sound had lit the chamber, as it were, in which I found myself. Reacting visibly to the introduction of light I couldn’t see anything for a moment in time, but after a short while, I was ready to look around.
First and foremost I turned around to look at the bed I had just fallen out of, and found myself looking at a coffin, a deep black, chrome finished, and velvet lined coffin. This to say the least was not what I was prepared to find, but then I pinched myself, and I found I was really awake. I looked around this apparently natural subterranean, judging by the stalagmites I saw, cavern and saw it. It was an organ, but an organ like no other; it was connected to the cave using its very supports as pipes. Seeing this I decided to try it out and walking over to it, I sat down, and placed my hands on the keys, which is when I preceded to scream.
My hands, long and thin, like those of pianist the world over, where translucently pale, which when your Australian, was very different to what I was expecting. However the reason I started to scream was because I saw a mirror on the organ, but I did not see me. Leaping up from the organ I desperately craned my neck around trying to see whether I still existed, and found myself looking at a completely naked me, exact same dimensions, “6 foot 4, and made of muscle”, but my whole body was completely pale from my head down to my toes.
Needless to say this shocked me from my stupor, that I had been under since waking. I recalled the events of the night before, wondering where I bloody was, and what the fuck was going on. I hyperventilated for quite some time, and then proceeded to start crying, as the full weight of what had occurred to me settled in. After an hour of sobbing, I decided to get up and face the day, or night, theorising that if I was indeed a vampire, I would be awake at night.
I looked around the room I was in, now realising that apart from being a cave, it was much like a library, filled with bookcases, filled with books, with a roaring fire place on one side, and the afore mentioned organ on the other, with the coffin/bed lying on the floor in the middle on a huge Persian rug. Next to this I found a table made of obsidian, which had a letter addressed to me on it. I picked up this letter and began to read:
To monsieur Clash,
I am glad to inform you that all I described has now occurred, I will pass on soon, and my powers will go onto to you, as you rest in my coffin. I imagine you have many questions, and I will try to answer as many as I can think of. Firstly, the basics, as a vampire, you need to drink a 100 ml of the blood of a red blooded creature, once a day, more if you have been injured, any creature will do from a pony to a cockatoo,(remember laughter) mirrors will not work any longer, and you cannot go out in daylight at all sunlight will be much akin to holding a burning branch to the skin of a human, secondly you are now in a cavern system directly beneath the Everfree Forest, which has been hear for millions of years, if you need a map you will find one directly above the fire place, (I looked up and sure enough it was there), clothing wise you will find you do not need it, but there is a metamorphosing suit of armour in one of the rooms adjoining this one, which will fit no matter what form you take. Ah yes, I should mention that, once you consume the blood of a creature you can immediately turn into a version of that animal that would appear to be like you, however the laws of mass must be conserved and so the form you take will weigh he exact same amount you do, and the creatures dimensions would be adjusted to suit this.
Finally a bit of history, millions of years ago, humans existed in Equestria, but where wiped out when they tried to create a super race, the vampire, I however sided with the humans, who created a new type of power using energies released from the destruction of the god particle, and gave it to me, this power allowed me to destroy all other vampires, as I could become any living thing I wanted (as long as it was red blooded). However before I had managed to kill all other vampires, they murdered all the humans on earth and began to lead it. I then spent thousands of years killing them all of, at which point I fell into a deep slumber, and woke millions of years later, or about ten thousand years ago. As I left the cave you are now in, I found the environment to be much to my liking, with many creatures I could now become, but also many more sentient beings than the one race that existed in my time. But I soon found all was not as it seemed, as there where beings more powerful than me in play, gods and goddesses who’s powers knew no end. I introduced myself to these people and soon found that there magics could not affect me (side note: you cannot be affected by magic) although I never did find out why. Because of this I was found to be useful by them as a spy/assassin, ambassador, and confidant.
Eventually I grew tired of these petty squabbles and removed myself from the world once again, until 12 months ago, when I once again smelt a human. But I found myself tired and uncaring, so I decided to see If I could die, and called out to my contacts, who assured me that once I removed my powers I would pass on, not wanting to leave this world without leaving one final mark, I went out and chose a champion, you, like many of the other beings are doing.
Regards
Dracula
Needless to say I was awe struck and scared, but most of all overwhelmed, so I decided to go outside. But first, clothes, I wandered out of the study, and into a hallway filled with doors, and preceded to open them, the first I found was akin to a treasure room filled with gems, and minerals, the second a workshop akin to a small time mechanics, which was filled with tools much a like to my own, the third was a bathroom, and the fourth was a wardrobe/armoury filled with surprisingly basic weaponry, while the fifth led to a dark pathway which seemed to have light at the end. I walked into the fourth one, and found the armour I had been told of, much like a knights only more futuristic, with a huge glowing gem in the middle around where a humans stomach would be, donning this armour, I found it fit like a glove, and was ridiculously comfortable, I grabbed a sword that was next to it, swinging it, thanking, whoever, that I had decided fencing wasn’t gay when I was younger. After this I walked out of the room and back into the hall and opened the fifth door, walking down the dark path it got brighter and bright, until I reached its end and saw, an apple tree, in the light of the moon.
My first thought was, “yay, food”, but then I recalled, I was a vampire now so, no apples for me. Then I heard something far off, a crunching sound alike to a dog breaking bones, I followed this noise as it got louder and louder, until I almost couldn’t take the sound any more it was so overwhelming. As I neared, what was causing the noise, I saw it was a rabbit that appeared to be chewing on a carrot, and I realised how much my senses must have been heightened. Then I smelt the rabbit and my very instincts seemed to take over, and I pounced on it, and grabbing its head twisted and ripped it off, then lifting the body above me I opened my mouth and squeezed all the blood I could, out of it. What happened next was extremely painful, as I turned into a giant rabbit that, according to the letter, would weigh the same as me, so about 130 kilos. Once this pain was gone I found this experience to be if anything comical, as my armour had also changed to fit this rabbit shape, and so I hopped around for a while shaking the earth I landed on, until I grew bored and wanted to change back, starting to wonder how this could be done.
But with this thought I did, and became, human, or rather, vampire once again. I looked at the remains of the small rabbit I had just killed and started to cry, for you see as a human of earth I had been a vegan, not even eating cheese, eggs or fish, and now as a vampire of Equestria, I was driven to kill animals, to be like a giant bloody mosquito. I sat on a nearby log, and continued to cry, until I became aware of a far of noise, that sounded like singing.
Desperate for company, I chased this noise, following it to a hut, Civilisation! Then I recalled where I had seen this hut before, in My Little Pony, this for the first time confirmed, I really was in Equestria. But back to the task at hand, I walked up to the door and knocked, I heard the singing stop, and the door opened, I saw a glimpse of black and white, heard a gasp, and then the door shut again loudly, ringing in my ears resoundingly. This was not the reaction I had expected from Zecora, as she herself had been an outsider, but I digress, I knocked on the door again. Thankfully, this time Zecora opened it and left it open, looking up at me.
So began my first interaction with an Equestrian.
She spoke, or rhymed first “What and who are you, for of your species I have not a clue”
I responded, deciding to lead with a song
“It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes."
la la la, di da da
La la, di di da da dum
Sing us a song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us all feelin' all right
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke and he'll light up your smoke
But there's some place that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As his smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"
Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum
Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
And probably will be for life
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessman slowly gets stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone
sing us a song you're the piano man
sing us a song tonight
well we're all in the mood for a melody
and you got us all feeling alright
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about their life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, "Man, what are you doin' here?"
Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum
sing us a song you're the piano man
sing us a song tonight
well we're all in the mood for a melody
and you got us all feeling alright”
Tapering off towards the end I looked at Zecora, who smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. She then said, or rhymed (you know what screw this she’s rhyming but it is her talking so she’s just talking)
“While the song is perfection, it doesn’t answer my question”
“Yes it does” I realised, thinking aloud, while at the same time answering her “I am the Piano Man, Lord of the Night” I proclaimed.
Zecora smiled and said
“So that is you strange creature, for in my books you do not feature, what is it you desire, what is it you require”
“Madame, all I ask on this night” I basically begged “is someone with who to find delight”, oh crap, now she had me doing it.
Thankfully she nodded at this and let me into her home. I looked at the surroundings, seeing how very similar African and zebra culture where, and wondering if Zecora was some kind of witch doctor, (hey that makes me think of a song). Regardless, I sat in a chair she indicated to me.
“Now if you please, tell me your story, while I make us cheese”, she said, I looked at her with a “are you serious” face which caused her to blush, but she nodded, so I told her what had happened over the last 24 hours, she listened intently as I told my story, right up to when I described my actions with the rabbit, when seeing how much distress this caused me, she came over and patted me on the back, an oddly human like, reassuring gesture. I completed my tale, and then started crying again, at which point she held me, overcoming any fear caused by my large canines, and I fell asleep in her arms
Stats
Page generated in 0.073 seconds
Total duration
978 users online
257,423 hits today, 1,892,089 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Nice so far, however I think you need to change some of those 'of's to 'off's. Also, I'm not saying that I'm like this but most people on the site, when they see an OC with a black and red colour scheme as the cover picture, they don't even bother with it. I would suggest you changed it to something else. Good story so far though.
stop any truly evil humans from existing
and
extreme prejudice
dont match up. the uncertainty creates a hypocrisy
Welp, I predict this guy will be killed off rather quickly.
i2.ytimg.com/vi/AM0IH1SUJa8/hqdefault.jpg
880296
Quite right.
I will abandon my current reading process simply because I wish to be able to read this before it's annihalated by the-autohated by the inevitably hypocritical writers.
I will provide you with a full review.
I have no idea what you just said means.
Please explain>>880433
"I will abandon my current reading process simply because I wish to be able to read this before it's annihalated by the-autohated by the inevitably hypocritical writers."
880511
Of which comment?
880511 He's saying that because of the premise of your fic it's going to be flamed into extinction by other authors.
Personally I have no real problems with it, and in fact find it kind of hilarious because it gave me a chance to use the Evil Spike Picture I've been saving up.
Unfortunately, bad experiences with a previous author have made a number of chessverse (particularly the core group such as Blackwing, JJ Malcolm, and Cloud_Surfer) writers extremely prejudiced against fics such as yours and you're likely to receive a great deal of hate-mail and comments from people who won't get past the description (such as myself though my comment was intended to be funny rather than mean)
A player to our game comes and look at this its mighty Coatlus!
Good story so far nothing to fuss..
Another killer of peices that quite a shame.
For that idea is old and very much lame.
Countinue your story and make it great!
But try to do something different mate.
HAH i made it rhyme!
880554>>880511
I'm actually giving this a full review, taking it slowly and even jotting notes down regarding what's wrong. I may give it a second check-through to emphasize what you're doing right (Which is much harder to do, even if the author is great. I.e I could not tell you what blackwing does right, nor can I find many things which he does wrong. The only person who's pointed anything out is my father; being an author outside of Fanfictions, he though it was my writing and tried to help. My writing is much worse XD I'm too ashamed to show anything to him
.)
Won't give any opinion until I am done.
P.S Those were some really long brackets I used XD
Not so much a killer, as a moral adjudicator,
sort of like a judge. Doesn't hold a grudge
Punishes those who deserve it, Sends them to the depths of tartarus pit
But always tries to change, no matter how strange.
Also I claim Spike's Phoenix, Peewee (shall be renamed)
880591
If you wish to rhyme, without given time,
Be cautious of what challenge you make,
For with talent, rhyming no skill does take,
A songwriter, poet and opera singer I be,
Was this a bad choice, or is there more to see?
No do overs there, just one typo that I fixed.\
Your move
880839
I actually didnt mean to rhyme before and im not challenging you.
I have no interest in doing that at all.
I was commenting on your story.
Also a few authors in chat think your ripping off knight
880591
In my excitement to rhyme, I forgot to tell.
Of the truth, which is that I mean well.
I do not hate, for in fact I still read.
Do not pre-judge and your mind will be freed.
My purpose is to aid
And watch this game that is played.
I am not mighty, nor am I great,
Before 'twas a fact, I simply did state.
It makes me frown, that people vote down.
For when that occurs, enthusiasm is dead.
That's what I meant and what I thought I had said.
880849
Me? How am I ripping him off?
880888
Apparently the songs....
Dont ask me im just the messanger
Guys do this somewhere else, I don't mean to be rude,
But I feel it is fair to intrude
this is my story after all
and I wasn't invited to this word brawl
Alright, I'm here and I've finished. Beginning with literal errors:
~~~~~~
You only had three systematic errors, which is very good, as the description led me to believe I would find many.
Systematic errors:
1. The thoughts are unclear from the speech, despite having the 'I thought' and such afterwards. This is because visually they are identical to the speech, I would suggest keeping the quote marks but also putting them in italics.
2. There is no clearly visible transition when there are great gaps of time or space. When he is knocked out, it would help to have a few lines or perhaps a symbol of some sort to clarify this.
3. No commas before each apparition of the word 'and'. Just delete them, as in english, when one uses the word 'and', it is assumed that there is already a pause before it. This makes the comma unnecessary .
Those are all the systematic errors. Next are random errors, which were slightly more common, but are mistakes easily solvable through pre-reading/editing before release.
~~~~
Random Errors:
1. There was one extremely long sentence composed of a total of eleven commas. This only occurred once. (Excluding the list. Though you should be a bit more careful about it.)
2. A few spelling mistakes.
3. There was one sentence where you forgot to place a comma. While it isn't that important it did make me have to look the sentence back over to find what you truly meant. "[...]and you cannot go out in daylight at all sunlight will be much akin to holding a burning branch to the skin of a human[...]". This should either be "[...]and you cannot go out in daylight at all; sunlight will be much akin to holding a burning branch to the skin of a human[...]" or "[...]and you cannot go out in daylight at all, as sunlight will be much akin to holding a burning branch to the skin of a human[...]". You could even split it into a new sentence, which would be helpful.
4. When the main character was reading the letter, you did not separate his actions from what he was reading. This is unclear and would be clarified if you split it into a new paragraph. "[...]ce, (I looked up and sure enough it was there), cl[...]".
"[...]ce."
I looked up and sure enough, it was there. I then continued reading the letter. "cl[..]
"
This would also allow for the creation of a new sentence and break the wall of text.
That is all the Random errors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Despite those being all the non-creative errors, I still have a few personal issues with the the story. Claiming that humans lived millions of years ago in a shared universe may screw up other writer's stories. However if they left no significant trace behind excluding this vampire and the main character, it should be OK with everyone else.
Secondly, he seems a bit Over-Powered. However, as are many other people in this universe, thus making all the power worth far less. I think the only reason this bothers me is because he is just out-of-the-blue powerful, but I have no jurisdiction over the matter.
Thirdly, you've given him an extremely conflicting role. Due to the fact that all the other stories are based around humans, your character will somehow have to kill and over-power each and every one of them, should he follow his purpose. I doubt that would make many other authors very happy.
N.B These are my personal opinions and issues, these may be countered or supported by anyone else as they are neither fact nor lie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have not given it a like or dislike as I am extremely ambivalent towards this story. That is pretty much it, good day.
P.S I cannot give creative advice, which is why I did not give any; I would hate to give bad advice that would harm anyone's writing.
P.P.S A Tiny Issue for me is that is seems slightly blocky due to the lack of indentations at the beginning of each paragraph. However, this is just because reading with indentations flows smoother for me, but it may be easier without, so write in whichever style you prefer.
880943
Rhyming is ripping someone off?
I've only ever read his story. Never looked at his blog or any evidence of his speech patterns.
Or were you referring to the author? As he has the capability of shape-shifting and sings multiple times?
881171
Its just what they say on chat thats all...
They said that the singing was a rip thats all.
Dont get pissy at me im just relaying what they said so you know
881178
I'm not pissy, I'm extremely confused; which depresses me. XD
Ask them maybe? I don't mind if you think I'm ripping someone off so long as I know why. Same goes for if you hate me.
881204
Ill ask tommarow no one really important on right now...
But good luck on your story but do try to set yourself apart from all the other kill the chess peices fics or else you'll die off fast
Like orrkon
Are you talking to me or Coatlus, I'm confused, besides, every motherf%*#er and his dog are singing, I thought it was a thing
Coatlus, thanks for the advice, really I get where your coming from, in the letter, I tried to make that not italics, but I didn't do it right, rest assured it wont happen again.
Overpowered, not really, as he is about the same strength as a diamond dog in human guise (humans being weak and puny and all) just extremely fast and the like, in other forms he has to get used to being them first, and will never be as good as an original being, just slightly faster and stronger.
Not really going after chess pieces, all will be explained, that's just something he can do, as he can tell the difference between a human converted to a being and a normal being. Will be travelling mainly Equestria looking for spies, which will give him a completely different outlook to other pieces, as he wont see the outside worlds suffering.
You read it here first
881212
I am not the author of this fic, nor did I mention writing any fic. I just mentioned that I sing opera.... I am crazy-level confused.
I will now sleep to contain my confusion, or I'll snap again XD.
881215
I REALLY, REALLY LIKE THAT EXPRESSION YOU USED! XD
"every motherf%*#er and his dog are singing"
It's Fucking hilarious XD
881261>>881255
Oops was talking to wrong dude whole time...
Im commenting on both of your fics so i got confused lol
ha