With Flurry Heart now the Queen of a band of changelings that defected from Queen Chrysalis, things have gotten interesting in the Crystal Empire as of late.
But I see what they are doing: She provocated her parents to declare her an enemy. For international external observers the Crystal Empire is now the evil one. Changelings are getting stronger the more love they have. Now Chryssy and Flurry are going to 'produce' an infinite volume on love to make an unstoppable army. And then...
That escalated quickly. I can see Cadance's point, but Chryssie was kind of already published for her misdeeds, losing her hive and ask that, she even apologised. Time to let it go, let it go, Cadance.
Before I begin my rant, please know that I'm not trying to drag you down or drag your work through the mud. I've actually kind-of enjoyed your story so far, and intend to continue reading it. That being said, I do feel that I need to offer some (hopefully) constructive criticism here.
Weren't they already enemies of the state and still prisoners of war? Cadance is banishing a prisoner. This doesn't seem to make much sense to me. Also, since they're still officially prisoners, shouldn't they at least have had a guard escort whenever any of them went out? You used the wrong word; it should be "prosecuted" not "persecuted."
The relationship feels very rushed. You tell us that Flurry loves Chrysalis, but that's it. You don't show us why, or give us a reason to care; it's such a whiplash that we don't have time to get invested in their relationship. You said,
I always loved and looked up to you. You have a firey passion and would do anything to make sure your hive survived, that is a true leader
, but didn't Chysalis' drones abandon her in favor of Flurry because Chrysalis had been mistreating them (or am I mixing that up woth a different story?) Even if Flurry had looked-up to Chrysalis, wouldn't that mistreatment tarnish that adoration, providing an inner-conflict for Flurry to overcome? Again, I'm not saying that this is a bad story; the premise is genuinely interesting, it's just that the execution is a bit lacking and needs work, and that detracts from the story.
9650397 I appreciate the feedback, I really do, but a large bulk of this story was done while I was still trying to "get my hooves wet" with my writing styles... If you want to see a difference in how I have progressed, read the last few chapters of this story and the first couple I have on the sequel... I have improved
Well, that escalated quickly.
Very quickly.
But I see what they are doing:
She provocated her parents to declare her an enemy. For international external observers the Crystal Empire is now the evil one. Changelings are getting stronger the more love they have. Now Chryssy and Flurry are going to 'produce' an infinite volume on love to make an unstoppable army. And then...
7962870
gives you some of Tia's cake good job, but Cadance is totally in the wrong here
That escalated quickly. I can see Cadance's point, but Chryssie was kind of already published for her misdeeds, losing her hive and ask that, she even apologised. Time to let it go, let it go, Cadance.
8001229 Agreed she even apologised, I can't imagine how much that hurt her pride.
Before I begin my rant, please know that I'm not trying to drag you down or drag your work through the mud. I've actually kind-of enjoyed your story so far, and intend to continue reading it. That being said, I do feel that I need to offer some (hopefully) constructive criticism here.
Weren't they already enemies of the state and still prisoners of war? Cadance is banishing a prisoner. This doesn't seem to make much sense to me. Also, since they're still officially prisoners, shouldn't they at least have had a guard escort whenever any of them went out?
You used the wrong word; it should be "prosecuted" not "persecuted."
The relationship feels very rushed. You tell us that Flurry loves Chrysalis, but that's it. You don't show us why, or give us a reason to care; it's such a whiplash that we don't have time to get invested in their relationship. You said,
, but didn't Chysalis' drones abandon her in favor of Flurry because Chrysalis had been mistreating them (or am I mixing that up woth a different story?) Even if Flurry had looked-up to Chrysalis, wouldn't that mistreatment tarnish that adoration, providing an inner-conflict for Flurry to overcome? Again, I'm not saying that this is a bad story; the premise is genuinely interesting, it's just that the execution is a bit lacking and needs work, and that detracts from the story.
9650397
I appreciate the feedback, I really do, but a large bulk of this story was done while I was still trying to "get my hooves wet" with my writing styles... If you want to see a difference in how I have progressed, read the last few chapters of this story and the first couple I have on the sequel... I have improved