PRAT

by Integral Archer

Chapter IX: Res Judicata's Closing Statement

“The complaint has been heard, and the defense has had its opportunity to present a rebuttal,” said Petty Nicety. “Now is the time for closing statements to be presented. The complainant has the floor. Go ahead, Judy.”

“Thank you, Commissioner,” replied she, exchanging a certain glance with the commissioner that made Due Progress, despite his progressive sensibilities, gag.

“I noticed that the newspapers have been saying that this case has little to do with Princess Celestia, her School, or Hearty Bucks,” began Res Judicata, “and, rather, the Tribunal is putting on a spectacle to display its legitimacy to the public. And, in a sense, they’re right. The Tribunal, not the School, is in question here—the question being whether the Tribunal will revert to the Dark Ages, where those who make the laws are considered above them.

“I must first congratulate Mr. Due Process on the work he has put into his client’s case. I’m told that this is the first time he has ever represented anypony in the capacity of a bar-certified attorney at law. I would be wrong if I didn’t say that he hasn’t done his job to the letter; and what’s more, I do believe that nopony could have made a better defense, given the circumstances, than he.

“They say that no matter how flat the pancake, there are two sides. And, certainly, if we hear the defense speak, one would think that the issue is a lot more complicated than it actually is. Mr. Due Process has certainly adduced much evidence that has kept us discussing for days, has engaged in the most admirably lawyerly circumlocution, obfuscation, and diversion, all tending—to his credit, quite convincingly—to prolong and tire its observers, to cloud their judgement, to make them unable to see the obvious perpetrator, as salient, as bright, as blinding as the sun, in front of their eyes.”

“I have to hand it to her,” whispered Princess Celestia to Due Process. “That was quite clever.”

“Hire her as a speechwriter once this is over, Your Majesty,” snarled Due Process.

“‘Section Four, Clause One, of the Pony Rights Code, I quote: ‘No Pony, of any Age, Sex, or Race, shall be compelled to suffer a Refusal of any Good, Service, Occupation, Employment, or Contract on the Basis of said Pony’s Age, Sex, or Race.’ I’ll repeat: No Pony, any Service.

“It is a fact, undisputed by the defense, that Hearty Bucks was denied the service of studentship to the defendant’s School; therefore, it is a fact, undisputed by the defense, that the defense is in violation of the Code.

“And what, in the face of this incontrovertible truth, do they offer in their defense? That their requirement is a bona fide occupational one.

“Let us, for a second, leave aside the fact that the Code is very explicit with its terminology here, that the letter clearly specifies, and the spirit obviously tending to the same result, that the bona fide occupational requirement defense is applicable to employers—the Code uses this exact word. Let’s leave aside the fact that in Road Runner v. Cloudsdale Weather Factory, the chief commissioner, in delivering the opinion of the Tribunal, stated, I quote: ‘The bona fide occupational requirement defense protects the operations of such persons to whom no other avenue but the discriminatory is available to achieve a purpose which, if not achieved, would result in society suffering as a whole. The existence of the defense is a balance between the dignity of an oppressed individual and the general welfare of society, which may often be mutually exclusive. It is not intended to be used as a shelter under which the privileged may continue to pursue aims tending to the general marginalization of the downtrodden, all the while continuing to benefit from the society created and maintained by individuals of all races, sexes, and mental capabilities.’ Let’s leave this aside, as there is a more important question, one that, when answered, will provide an inestimable benefit for society, and will no doubt require the full power of the commissioners’ deliberative capabilities to answer: is being a unicorn a requirement of being a student at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns?

“The defense would have us believe the answer is yes, and to this end it has adduced a myriad of curricula and expert testimony. But what, if anything, does this prove? Surely, no doubt, the unicorns of old would have said that it was absolutely necessary to forbid earth ponies to any positions of intellectual responsibility, citing their own studies apparently proving the lower IQ of the hornless. Similarly, such has the defense brought in its own professors, its own procedures, apparently proving the inherent incapability of earth ponies. But, in fact, does this prove anything, other than that there is systematic and institutionalized discrimination toward them?

“Observe that it is not rare in our history that in proportion as the impediments of institutionalized discrimination are lifted from a marginalized group, slowly but surely we see individuals of that group go on to make significant contributions in divers fields. Yet were you to go back in time and assert, in the presence of the intellectuals that age held in the greatest esteem, they would you declare you at best, mentally ill—or, at worst, a novelist. In the light of this, how can the defendant say, with certainty, that the complainant is unable to perform the spells required, if they’ve never even given him the opportunity to prove himself?

“The defense has also claimed, citing the analyses made by their accountants—ninety percent of whom are unicorns, I might add—that such a restructuring would involve undue hardship. But, to quote the opinion of the PRAT in the case of Broomrape v. Rich’s Reserves: ‘It is an insufficient proof of undue hardship to demonstrate that the proposed accommodation would cost “a large amount of money,” whatever that may mean. It must be demonstrated that the particular service being provided is indispensable—meaning a total societal dearth of said service would fundamentally alter the nature and fabric of society for the worse—and that such an accommodation would render the organization fundamentally unable to effect its aims. The defense is to protect society, not organizations.’

“Is the School for Gifted Unicorns is a necessary institution? Of course, institutionalized discrimination, being a social given for the entirety of ponykind’s history, and being an unadmitted reality in our society of the present day, it is impossible to analyze, in isolation, whether or not such institutions established, under the auspices of prejudice, contribute or are a parasitic influence on society; unfortunately, the exact nature of science precludes us from drawing any rigorous conclusion. But hundreds of thousands of regular public schools across the country would seem to cast doubt on any attempts to prove the necessity of any segregated school such as that for Gifted Unicorns.

“But even were it possible to prove, unequivocally, that the School is an institution necessary for the continuing function of society, has the defense demonstrated that accommodation for earth pony students would cause undue hardship? Personally, I find it hard to believe that anything could be an undue hardship on a business whose MEO literally raises the sun every day.”

“What’s an MEO?” whispered Princess Celestia to her lawyer, as Res Judicata momentarily paused to sip her glass of water.

“Master Executive Officer,” replied he.

“What’s that?”

“It’s the highest position in a corporation.”

The princess blinked. Res Judicata waited for the laughter from her previous joke to die, which wouldn’t have lasted as long as it had had the principal appreciators of the joke been the commissioners themselves.

“Don’t you mean ‘Chief Executive Officer’?” said the princess.

“That’s an archaic, offensive term,” said the lawyer, “apparently.”

“How in the world could that possibly by offensive?” Princess Celestia had raised her voice perhaps a bit too much: at once the crowd went silent, and stared at them blank-faced as if to collectively demonstrate to their sovereign their impressions of guppies.

“Because,” said Due Process, “‘chief’ is a religious title for the buffalo.”

“In an attempt to show, I suppose,” said Res Judicata, “its racial tolerance, the defense has adduced Dr. Schopenhoofer to show that earth ponies are not refused positions within their school if they can perform the requirements of the position. But the glaringly obvious question which the defense has done its best to divert your attention from is: if the School could accommodate an earth pony as a teacher—a position that requires specialized training, education, and knowledge—why couldn’t it find the power to accomodate a student, who is supposed to be a blank slate when it comes to knowledge and ability?

“It may be then asked of the Tribunal how it would be possible to accommodate an earth pony in a school where unicorn magic is a requisite part of the curriculum. But creating plans for accommodation is not, and has never been, the purpose of the Tribunal. The defense has not submitted any evidence that accommodation would put an undue hardship on it; if anything, it has only shown that accommodations could be easily made.

“It is unfortunate that the particular eminence and power of the defendant has served only to prolong an issue that would have been solved weeks ago, while the counsel for the defense has diverted attention from the fact that it’s just this precise power that makes the proper decision so obvious. Her Royal Majesty Princess Celestia has singlehoofedly defeated emperors and kings. She keeps the heavenly bodies from falling out of kilter. Are we then really supposed to believe that such a being is incapable of a little corporate restructuring? Were the defendant anypony besides a princess of Equestria, this case wouldn’t have taken as long as it have, nor would it have gotten as much publicity, or commentary and analysis—all serving to cloud the fact that the issue is really that an earth pony was denied a service because he was an earth pony, when accommodation was obviously possible.

“Certain commentators in the media have criticized the formation and decisions of the Tribunal, claiming that it serves not to promote justice but rather to promote an aggressive political agenda being forced upon the populace. Commissioners, I can assure you of this: if you rule in favor of the defendant, you will, and can only, prove their opinion. It is incumbent upon you, as dispensers of justice, to blind yourselves to the eminence of the defendant. Imagine that it were not the princess, but a number that stood before you now. What would you think if you were told that this number took it upon itself to conduct its business that discriminated on a prohibited ground? The choice is obvious. Thank you.”

Res Judicata sat down. There was a small burst of applause from one or two ponies; but, failing to gather momentum, it evaporated as quickly as it had appeared, leaving only the awkward silence of whispers and the occasional cough.

Comments

[Sigmacipher]

Plot twist: The kid actually is a pawn in a game of politics and really doesn't want to go.

[Emperor]

I actually know exactly what you're talking about in not using the term 'chief' anymore. Welp.

Time for Due Process to use his unpleasant lawyerly ways to lay the verbal smackdown (only to lose the case anyways because the commissioners don't have a wit of legal training between the three of them).

[Titanicgaming360]

I actually understand a lot of this lawyerspeak.
I am doomed.