the dark story

by punk_eclipse

Exploration

Twilight was looking at the ground with a confused look, trying to figure out why she couldn't use her magic, Spike was on her back. Pinkie bouncing by her side.behind them were Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.Rainbow Dash was looking at the environment, looking for other zombies.Futtershy was scared looking at the red sky, then at what was left of the buildings then at the ground, at Rainbow Dash, and at the red sky again. Behind them were Applejack and Rarity, chit-chatting to distract themselves from the situation.

"We really should have heard Twilight, if we did, the changeling invasion wouldn't have happened."

"Its nopony´s fault rarity, we were too worried with the wedding to listen to her."

"But still..."

They were at an intersection, A fallen building blocking their way to west.

"Stop!"Shouted Twilight. Everypony stopped on their tracks"Look, over there, she pointed at a zombie, walking in their direction. A car was on his left.

"Leave it to me!" Said Rainbow Dash. She jumped on the air, but before she could dash in the zombie´s direction, she heard a loud noise. The zombie fell.

"What?" She descended to the ground

A humanoid figure, That was hiding behind the car, appeared behind the fallen zombie, he had blonde hair, used a brown coat, black shirt and dark blue jeans.

"Hey you, who are you? Or, What, are you ?"

The humanoid looked at them with wide eyes and an open jaw. He decided to play along and recomposed himself. He coughed
"I am Leon Scott Kennedy. A human. What are you?"

"We are ponies. I am Twilight Sparkle"

"I´m Pinkie Pie."

"I´m Rainbow Dash"

"Ah am Applejack"

"I am rarity, Pleased to meet you, mister Kennedy."

"I´m Spike. I´m a dragon."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"What about that one?"He pointed at Fluttershy.

"That's Fluttershy,"

"Fitting name I guess. You haven't tried to kill me yet, so you are probably not enemies. I suppose I could trust you, at least for now."

"Are you familiar with this city?"

"Yes, you could say so."

"Do you know a way out?"

"All exits by ground or water are closed so the zombies wont spread, the only way out is by air."

Everypony looked at Rainbow Dash.

"Sorry girls, but I can´t carry all of you."

"What do we do then? We can't stay here."

"Well, you do know what a helicopter is, right?"

"Never heard of that."

"Its a machine that allows people to fly."

"Where can we find one?"

"I was on my way to one."

"can you take us with you?"

"can you fight?"

"yeah."

"yup."

"I suppose so."

"I´m a lady, I wont dirty my hooves with these filthy creatures."

"why fight? Lets just party." Pinkie takes out her party cannon, and proceed to shoot it, hitting a zombie that was approaching them from behind. It falls to the ground."oops."

Leon takes his pistol and put a bullet to the zombie´s forehead.

"What's that?" Twilight pointed at the pistol in Leon´s hand.

"its a pistol, a firearm. Makes it much easier to kill these things."

"We don't have those in equestria."

"Equestria?"

"the country we live."

Leon facepalmed." I don't wanna know the city´s name."

"ponyville."

Leon facepalmed so hard it leave a mark in his face." Just... Just follow me, okay."

Leon started walking east. everypony, and spike, followed him.

Comments

[Static Shock]

"your critique wold br appreaciated."

[Kolwynia]

It's not awful for a first story. There are quite a few grammar mistakes, things like changes in tense from present to past, misspelled words and capitalization errors. Most of those are things a spellcheck won't catch, so I suggest getting someone to preread your work if you can.

Your dialogue is pretty solid. However, most of the story is dialogue, which on one hand makes for easy reading, but on the other leaves your readers without much of a picture painted in their minds. Take a few paragraphs to show the setting in detail and to tell what's going on in the characters' heads.

As for the story itself, I have a hard time judging since I'm not a big Resident Evil fan (to my shame, I enjoy the awful movies and have never played the games) I am interested in the fact that your story description has the mane six traveling to three dark worlds, so I'm assuming you are planning on taking them to more places than just the Resident Evil universe. This is a very cool idea. (It also might lose you some readers because readers of crossover fics like to be familiar with both universes in the story. Adding more worlds means needing readers who are familiar with more universes.)

The scene with Pinkie and the zombie was fun. The plot has not quite hooked me. Zombies are cool, but what you need is an emotional hook to draw your reader in. Why should I care if the ponies are stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse? It might seem weird to think you need to add drama to something like a zombie action story, but to make the reader care about the action-adventure stuff, you got to play to their emotions and give the ponies in your story a character arc. As an example, I'm going to use Alice from the first Resident Evil movie. Why should we care that she has to fight and flee from zombies the whole movie long? Because she is an amnesiac hero who may or may not have been a bad person before the story started. We are supposed to care because she is trying to find out who she is. That's her character arc. Now, you probably shouldn't give the ponies amnesia in your story. But you do need to give them character development and their own, internal, stories within your overarching Main Story. Of course, your story is just beginning so you have some time to do that, but the sooner you establish some reason for your reader to care what is going on within your characters, the better.

Okay, my response is probably running way too long here. You've got good dialogue and cool ideas. More descriptive paragraphs and getting into your characters' heads would improve things a lot. The only way to get better at writing is to write a lot and to read a lot of really good writing. One piece of advice I also tend to give a lot is this: if this is going to turn out to be a really long epic, you might want to think about writing a few short stories (I'm talking about one-shots with a single chapter to them) while you're at it. It can be discouraging to write thousands and thousands of words and only have a few readers and half of those seem to be downvoting your story. (Not that I'd know from experience or anything...) Anyway, don't be discouraged. Try a lot of different kinds of stories. And keep writing.

[DezzarTac]

876449 holy shiz on a bicycle!

[punk_eclipse]

876449 I´ll see what i can do about the grammar.

Taking some paragraphs to describe the location huh, I´ll do it.

I was planing the emotional hook to be twilight and her drama of not being able to use magic.

This will not be an epic adventure fic, it is actually my training for one.

Thanks for the tips, Here take a moustache and a Rainbow Dash .

[punk_eclipse]

875987 Fixed .

[Lizardcomment]

877413 I MAY have lost my mind. Have you seen it? But anyway, I have to agree with a lot of the other commenters here. I, as a non-brony, (yeah, that's becoming less and less believeable, CURSE YOU ATHOS/GREEN) I don't care much for the characters... to the point that I killed off a beloved character in the first chapter (Oh yeah, to any onlookers, this writing was a challenge between me and Chaos). As I wrote more... I started to gain more empathy toward one character that becomes a bit... crazy. Anyway, put a bit of suspense in it, seperate characters and make them look for eachother, make one hurt, make one sick, make one DIE, make one turn undead, make one sacrifice him/herself. If you can make a person pause after reading your chapter to think "Oh my, that was emotional, I'll need to take it in", you are doing a good job. In other news, I might as well upload the story here because it IS a fiction of MLP. I just don't know how bronies will react... oh well.
Good day, LizardComment (Well... more of Athos ATM)

[Static Shock]

I think you'd be best off just copy-pasting this:

The mane six enter three of the most scary universes humans have ever created (This is my first story, so your critique would be appreciated).

There's absolutely no shame in looking for an editor. I'd suggest you do so.

[punk_eclipse]

878432 you forgot your mind in silent hill. don´t you remember? That half pony half puppy half dragon stole it.

[Lizardcomment]

878955 Red? Oh yeah... should I submit my story here?

[punk_eclipse]

879049

[Lizardcomment]

879080 Okay.