Adorable Adaptable Amusing Atrocious Shorts

by Glen Gorewood

The Mailmare Cometh, Bearing Books to Infinity

Ponyville Market Street

Through the streets of Ponyville a grey coated yellow maned mailmare swerves left and right, barely missing crash after crash as her aerial antics cause quite the chaotic panic in the streets. From her hooves fly packages towards their intended recipients , landing every which way.
Many in very comical and illogical places.

On a mare's head, a stallions neck, and a perfect bank shot into a barrel full of clover. With a minor adjustment to her flight path she zooms past a muffin stand, the owner of whom promptly sees a small pile of bits in place of four missing muffins.

Eyes focused on her last stop for the afternoon ,she makes a sharp turn accidentally toppling a vendor stand filled to the brim with tomatoes. As the classic aspect of comedy explodes out into the streets, a delicious puree of pulp and red tomato skins landing like confetti upon the populace; the ditzy derpy mare carries on oblivious to the scene behind her.

Eyes narrowed with pupils going opposite directions, she races straight ahead and prepares to deliver the rather unusual box to the Library of Ponyville. A living tree that she really thinks should be more muffin shaped like another place in town. A tree that is getting closer rapidly, very rapidly, it's so close she can almost feel the.. *Crash, thunk, bonk *

The incredibly hard surface of the enchanted door that used to guard the entrance to the Library. Now it lays under her hooves, hardly damaged but most definitely no matter attached to the door frame. Hinges bent back widely, Derpy likes to think they look kind of like muffins.
Turning her head she sees two shocked faces staring at her, one a purple unicorn mare with dark purple mane and tail decorated with pink streaks. A cutie mark of a star muffin with five star muffins around it on her flank, her jaw is looking rather silly just hanging like that moving like a fish. She really should be careful or she'll drop that *thump* book she was holding in her magic.

The second is a small purple and green dragon child, posed on top of a chair arm reaching out towards a pile of unsorted books. His eyes are bugged out of his head, and he has this look on his face like those goofy cartoon characters when something silly happens.

The library itself except for the door is perfectly fine, no damage or missing muffins.
Quickly moving the delivery from her back and onto the door with practiced ease and hoof skills. Derpy Hooves Mailmare of Ponyville, poses with one hoof on the box and the other out stretched a goofy derpy grin on her face.

"Hello Twilight, and Spike Muffins. Your box of muffins is here, that'll be two muffins for delivery." She says in her best attempt of professionalism.

Twilight Sparkle just stares at the grey pegasus posing ridiculously on her previously perfectly attached to the library priceless door. Regaining control of her mouth she clears her throat and walks over to Derpy while trying to keep herself under control. The eye twitching probably isn't helping her at all though.

"Well thank you Derpy but I didn't order anything. That can't be my package, I'm sorry for the mix up. But here have some muffins for your trouble." Using her magic Twilight lifts two muffins from a nearby platter that were meant for a snack later. After all Librarians don't live on words alone.

Happily accepting the muffins and stuffing them in her muffin bag, Derpy stays put and cocks her head.
"But Twilight, this box of muffins says it is to be delivered to the great library tree of ponyville. I may be mare with muffins on the brain, but I know my mail routes like I know my muffins. "

Twilight now close enough to see the package label raises an eyebrow.

Thinking a little about what she said Derpy rewords her previous statement.
"I know most of my mail routes like I know my muffins. And just look twilight muffins, the label on the box of muffins agrees."
Moving to the side to give Twilight a better view of the package, Derpy steps off the door and waits. Eyes darting around the lirbary looking for a book on muffins.

The purple librarian sighs and decides to humor the rather insistent mailmare. After all what's the worst that could happen?
Looking down at the package which seems to be made of antique wood, she focuses on the label in question. To her shock it does indeed say what Derpy claimed.

"Deliver to:
Current Librarian,
Ponyville Tree Library,
Ponyville Equestria,
On the thirst of Aprul, year of celestia XXXX.

From:
Equestrian Literary Archives,
Canterlot castle, Equestria."

Despite the language itself seeming a little dated the package seems to be addressed to her. As the current Librarian Twilight was the only possible candidate it could have been meant for. Picking up the package with her magic and moving it inside she gestures for Derpy to follow. The mailmare does so happily, accidentally tripping on the edge of the door causing it to flip back up into place in the frame.
Spike watching the exchange just shakes his head and heads over to where Twilight Sparkle has set down the package in the middle of the room.

"What do yo think it is Twi?" He asks with childish curiosity, sniffing the box a little before looking at his sister expectantly.

Reaching out with her magic to open the box Twilight smiles "I have no idea Spike, but let's find out."

Derpy pops up behind Spike to stare at the package, slightly startling the poor dragon. "I hope it's muffins.

Opening the magic seal and grasping the latch of the box with her magic Twilight rolls her eyes.
"I highly doubt it's muffins Derpy, it must be.."

The moment her magic lifts the latch out of the locked position the lid of the box flies open and a flash of magical smoke explodes into the faces of two ponies and one dragon. From deep within the box an ancient, wizened, voice of a stallion cries out in triumph and joy the fateful words that will forever be emblazoned into history.

"I give you all knowledge that has ever been or will be. I give you... Books to Infinity!"
The last part echoes through the library in a chorus of power as a magical spell unleashes it's long held burden onto those present.

Books, scrolls, tomes, and letters of all types explode from the open box piling up all over the library in haphazard stacks. The flood of knowledge is unstoppable, a torrent of paper and covers flying everywhere in a rhythm of chaos all it's own. As if unleashed from a great white hole the deluge buries the nearby table and grows to engulf more of the library fast than Pinkie pie can eat a cake.
Derpy Hooves giggles and leaps onto the top if the pile as it grows more and more, riding the tide of books while squealing "Muffins, so many muffins hehehehe."

Panicked Twilight turns to Spike as they back away from the perpetual knowledge fountain brought forth from the ancient container.
The poor dragon cries out in fear "Twilight what's happening?"

The Librarian's face has turned a new shade of purple, steam is beginning to vent from her ears. She has detected a insanely huge amount of magic within the box, a spell set to a self feeding and perpetuation mystical conduit system. And only one pony in all of Equestria could possibly manage a spell of this magnitude, and would be so audacious as to create such a thing. Only one prank happy Alicorn would ever think of this, eyes narrowing she says in a irritated voice.

"Spike, I want you to use your magic fire to send a note to Princess Celestia.."

As Twilight grabs a piece of paper and begins to quickly write her note along with a special addition Spike look at her with a worried face.

"Twi, what are you going to do?" he says in a timid and concerned tone.

The purple unicorn smiles deviously, comedic revenge clouding her mind.
"Just sending a thank you note to my favorite teacher."

The little dragon nods and prepares to use his fire. Twilight having neatly sealed the letter tosses it at him, his green flames turning it to wisps of smoke that fly out the window.

A few minutes later the deluge of infinite wisdom slows, raising her hoof to the air in triumph Twilight Sparkle shouts to nopony in particular.
"Ha, nobody pranks Twilight Sparkle and gets away with it!".

Meanwhile in Canterlot Castle beginning a few minutes earlier.

Princess Celestia is enjoying her brunch of tea and cake in the dining hall. A smile upon her face as she prepares to take a bite out of a scrumptious piece of angel food. Mouth open for one taste of that heavenly cake, she barely closes her mouth in preparation to shew when a loud "Pop" resounds through the room.

"Pttthhooowa"

The Princess of the sun reacts on instinct, cake flying out her mouth like a stream of water from a hose in a cake spit take. Wiping her face daintily with a napkin, she turns to the source of the offending noise. To her relief it is only a letter from her favorite student.

Opening it with a smile she calmly says "I wonder what my precious faithful student wishes to talk about at this hour of the day."
Eyes scanning the page her jaw slowly drops further and further down in shock.

Dear Princess Celestia,
I do appreciate your gift of knowledge you sent me,
It's truly a never ending source of joy.
In fact I love it so much I want to share it with you.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

PS Nobody Pranks Me, Nobody!

acnar sharna telemos, portos infietos linksus

Seconds after reading that last line the letters glow bright as the stars. Sensing something coming Celestia dives behind her chair as a massive storm of books and literature come exploding out of the scroll.

Endless volumes of knowledge from all times and places, piles of literary classics and bad fanfiction sit side by side. The never ending torrent quickly begins to fill the room as the Princess of The Sun's face takes on a mortified priceless look.
Just as she is about to shout to the heavens and swear revenge, a letter floats onto her nose.

The insignia and mark is ancient, yet one she recognizes after all this time.
Carefully opening it her eyes roam back and forth over the content. A writing script in a form not used since hundreds of years past.
One written by a very familiar hand, partway through the letter the script flashes like a bulb blinding her. As she reaches the end she tenses up, lungs bursting in frustration. She can't believe it, he did it, he got her back. It took hundreds of years but that tricky old sneaky over powered mischievous little genius of a Unicorn had gotten her back.

To my old friend Princess Celestia,

I hope thou art enjoying mine greatest post mortum achievement.
As thine know many of my spells and travels were never officially documented,
I can't blame thou after all the spicy cake incident did set thou a teensy bit on fire.
And the night of the flying guards, the infinite frosting floors,
oh and we can't forget the "Prince for a day" spell now can we.
Oh I remember those looks on thine face, so priceless,
in fact I have collection of them in my room.
No thou will never find it.

Pardon me while the trans era translation spell kicks in.
Also say cheese.

Photorna transmium captius

I have no doubt you are wondering why this letter was included in
a deluge of literary lore exploding from nowhere.
Well my dear Celestia let's just say that this is my last and best
huzzah to you and Equestria.
You see I knew in life I could never get you back,
you were too good, too alert, and I too well watched.

So I decided to get a two in one in after I had kicked the hay.
Hide most of my spells and research,
as well as those I gained from my time traveling expeditions.
No I didn't hide them physically, that would be silly,
You see I invented a infinite storage space spell when I was in my thirties.
However it had one drawback, you could put any amount of anything
you desired in with no limits.

But if you tried to get one item out the rest would follow in a flood,
with no way to stop it.
It was a stroke if genius to combine all the lore,
all books all knowledge from before to infinity
with my storage spell to create what you are experiencing.

My amazing, stupendous glorious post mortum revenge!

And the best part, the current Librarian was in on it.
No she had no idea, but I knew by the time my little gift was delivered you would
be the only pony left with the sense of humor and power to pull something like this off.
This is what you get when you try to out prank the greatest wizard to ever live!

Enjoy your books to infinity!

your beloved mentor and friend,
StarSwirl The Bearded

In a room filling with books a glorious eternal princess of the sun opens her mouth to scream out one single name in frustration at being beaten in such a way. The Royal Canterlot Voice echoes throughout the castle with such power it causes the guards to vibrate and ground to shake, causing some to fear that an earthquake was at hand.

"STARSWIRL!!

A few hundred years earlier, StarSwirls Hidden Room.

The wizened old Unicorn worked furiously to complete his greatest creation. Sweat pouring from his face as he furiously inscribed the complex spell into the enchanted wood panels. His cape billowing like a mystical mist as he completed the enchantment and inscribed the runes to bring forth his grand plan.

His horn lights up in an aura of pure power as he activates the ancient spell lines, causing a flash of blinding light to engulf the room.
Blinking his eyes he giggles in glee at the thing before him, too bad he won't be around to see it in person but that is what viewing spells are for. Grabbing a piece of paper he mumbles an incantation that opens a black hole in space and time, and throws it in before it closes.

With great flourish He grabs the lid of the great crate before him and closes it, latching it tight. With the finishing touch of a rune of automatic activation to the latch, he marvels at his grand masterpiece. Before the great and powerful old wizard is a seemingly innocuous crate, holding his greatest plan his life's grandest scheme within.

Grabbing a prepared label from a nearby table, he casts a spell of translation and time adaptation so it will never be out of date.
Placing it onto the crate he steps back and wonders how long it will take for someone to find it and mail it.
Not like it matters, thanks to all his spells no matter when it gets sent to the great tree nobody will be the wiser.
Until it is too late that is.

With a flash of magic he sends the crate to the Equestrian Archives, then picks up a viewing mirror and waits.

Long as he planned this day, this must be his most complicated endeavor and one of many not to be discovered or known of till he is long gone. A post mortum finale to his life none will see coming.

He came up with the idea some years earlier, putting it into motion upon his first iteration of a will. In it he declared his old relaxation abode, the grand living tree home he loved so dear, become a library upon his death. All the spells for shaping it were in place, as well as a little something extra. He chuckles at that thought, no, She would never see this coming.

After that it was a simple matter of time travel, complex spell work, and hours of refinement until his great dream came into fruition.
A pity he couldn't see her face in person but oh well.

A flashing of his viewing mirror tells him it is time. Looking into it he sees the crackling on his desk of the arrival of the greatest piece of his Celestia Collection arriving from the corner of his eye. The memory gem attached to the stone shines in runic fervor as it downloads the spells broadcast.

The face of the mirror lights up just in time for him to see her face, her priceless face. Cackling loudly he laughs even louder as a great royal voice roars from the mirror.

"STARSWIRL!"

It echoes but does no damage, the old Unicorn laughs and laughs in gut busting abandon.
After a few minutes of laughing hysterically, he turns to face the mirror.

Princess Celestia is on the other side, huffing and puffing in frustration.
With a smile he shouts at the mirror, knowing she can't hear him.

"See, that's what you get for turning my entire bedroom into cake princess! Nobody Out Pranks StarSwirl The Bearded, Greatest Wizard Equestria has ever known! Not even the Princess of the Sun! I reign Supreme as Prank Master General, my throne may never be taken for my greatest prank transcended my own death.!"

He places the viewing mirror on a stand the entire thing recorded in his memory rune crystal , forever existing as a testament to his genius.
StarSwirl the Bearded, one of the greatest wizards Equestria will ever know, leaps up and turns around to moon the mirror and one sided view of Princess Celestia.

Then like a child who has just discovered candy, dances and sings around his hidden room with wild abandon. Secure in the knowledge he has indeed not only gotten his revenge but pulled of the best prank in history by using history.

Starswirl the Bearded, Greatest Magician in Equestrian History and Prank Master General, turns on a device of his own creation that plays recorded sound and dances the night away hundreds of years ago.
Shouting intermittently "Ha ha, Books to Infinity, Books to Infinity!"

Author's Note:

Also known as the last great jest of Starswirl the Bearded.
All bow to The Prank Master General