The Violet Strike, Spike

by DreamyBlaze

Chapter 6.5: Twilight's Realization Part 2

*getting into the castle after scolding the girls* Spike, I'm home!

*groaning can be heard from above the stairs* What Twilight?

Twilight: You won't believe what happened today! *spoke in an excited tone*

Spike: *sounding tired* Can it wait for tomorrow I'm sore from all the work I had to do today.

Twilight: What! Common Spike it's not that much work.

Spike: Seriously, I'm tired so *yawn* tell me later… *leaves for his room*

Twilight: Come on, it's not that much work right. *suddenly the words stand out as much as a white pony in the middle of a bunch of red ponies* … right?

Author's Note:

NO COMMENT

Comments

[NotreallyaBrony]

alright first and foremost:

Pacing, the story is going too fast, chapters 1 and 2 are ok but they could be a bit longer description wise.

Characterization, its ok to exagerate some flaws for the sake of the plot but too much and it becomes OOC, you had the right idea, cant have a pet but has a job, give Twilight her own problems to deal with so ot becomes understandable that she forgets/overlooks others.

Tension, almost everypony knows him, that takes away any tension from the story, unless you introduced a possible major treat on the background this will looks like a power fantasy for Spike.

Anyways thats what i have to offer you, good luck

[DreamyBlaze]

7596794
I'm new to writing so at the moment, pacing is my biggest enemy.
Over Characterization = simple comedy (some characters are over exaggerated for things that happen and this is most noticeable in chapter 6. Yes, I know what I did to Rarity's character of being super whinny is bad but next chapter actually gives a reason why she was so whinny at the hospital.)

Tension won't appear till much later and not everyone knows he has powers, I mean its only Ponyvile that knows.

Thanks for the review though. I'll try to fix the problems as the chapters come out but for now expect little tension, over characterized characteristics and overpoweredness from Spike.

[NotreallyaBrony]

7596934 hey, its your story im just pointing few stuff.

[DreamyBlaze]

7597212
i wasn't trying to be mean it just ment that i understood what you said. I will try to fix all of what you said in future dragons but it just hard to do that right now. Where i got my inspiration from, THE GAMER, did something similar to what im doing.

[NotreallyaBrony]

7597325 im sry, i never meant to sound offended, its just my way of writing confuses people sometimes.

[DreamyBlaze]

7597447
i though i did the same thing! That is so cool! And a pain if people actually do confuse it.

[NotreallyaBrony]

7597498 ha i know the feeling, i actually got in trouble irl because of it, such a pain.

[DreamyBlaze]

7597963
im actual ultra casual irl so i dont know the feeling there but when writing is when you tend to notice it

[Cheshirek4t]

Twilight: Come on, it's not that much work right. *suddenly the words stand out as much as a white pony in the middle of a bunch of red ponies* … right?

Assasin's creed reference