1 - A brand new world
Chapter 1: A brand new world
"Don't be afraid, little one. I guarantee you're in a safe place," said the mysterious zebra in front of him.
"I... I would like—" Herbal struggled, shaking from terror while staring worriedly at everything in his surroundings. "I would like to know—"
"Where you are?" The zebra finished Herbal’s sentence. "You find yourself in this little cottage of mine, within the very depths of a mysterious forest full of life. Verdur Forest is its name, where flowers and animals alike live all the same."
That explanation confused him—he didn't recognize the name of that forest at all, but he continued asking questions.
"And who... who are you?"
"I understand you're scared, but you shall not fret. Zecora is my name. Natural remedies are my duty to prepare, and there's nothing else that can compare," She said, giggling and helping him get up. "What's your name?"
"I can't recall." When he answered Zecora's question, he came out of his shock and started feeling exactly as he had a few minutes ago.
Everything that happened before his arrival to that zebra’s cottage came into his head, stressing him as he cried at those mere thoughts.
"Please don't cry. I will take good care of you while I can. However, I sense that something horrible happened, maybe sharing it will help solving the matter," Zecora said, extending her hoof, in an attempt to comfort Herbal. He didn't take her hoof, though, instead curled into a ball. In response to this, Zecora empathetically sat down next to Herbal, hugging him.
"I'm sorry... I can't even recall my name. But I remember what my friends used to call me," he said, sobbing. He then remembered that the sacrifice of his friends was the only reason that he was still alive. The mere thought of it made his heart ache.
"Herbal," he answered, after a few seconds of thinking about it.
"Herbal you say? I think that's a beautiful name. Even if it isn't your true one, it sure makes it good fit," She said, trying to little avail to make Herbal stop crying. "Why don’t you share your problem with me? Maybe I could help you in solving it."
"No... You can't. No one can!" He shouted, frustrated. "It's no use! Nothing makes sense!"
He then got up and started running towards the door, wishing to disappear.
"It is not wise to blindly run away, I would recommend relaxing instead,” said Zecora, desperately trying to calm Herbal.
"How can you know that? You don't know anything at all! What happened... was just my fault!" Herbal yelled at the astonished zebra, before dashing out of the cottage. It was only a few seconds later when it disappeared from view completely, concealed by the trees.
Zecora couldn't do anything but watch him gallop far away into the woods. After a few seconds of thinking, she smiled herself and then returned to her duties.
"You won't be able to do anything by yourself, but if you just ask, I could lend you my help," she assured herself.
Herbal kept running without noticing where he was going. He was too desperate to realize that he was making a terrible mistake. He found himself alone in a place he didn't even recognize. The idea of being chased down by the servants of the supreme queen Celestia was too terrifying for him. He couldn't trust anypony.
He was so absorbed in thought that he noticed the enormous lake in his path only after his hooves lost contact with the ground and he was partially submerged in water.
"Where am I? Am I still in the same forest?" He said, shell-shocked from the cold water around him.
He looked around—sunbeams shined between the top of tall trees surrounding the lake, dazzlingly illuminating the area in its glory.
"This is... just amazing. It's so beautiful,” he said, now calm from the water. As he emerged, a voice startled him.
"Hey! You there! Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
He quickly dashed around. A green earth stallion with a blue mane was calling and approaching him.
"No! Please! Don't hurt me!" Herbal said, once again frightened at somebody else’s presence.
The stallion was taken aback, trying to find merit for such a sudden request.
"Hurt you? Why would I want to hurt you? The stallion said to Herbal. “Don't panic. There's no other pony here. I guarantee it's safe," He said, smiling, trying to calm down the frightened Herbal.
"Are you sure? Didn't you receive any orders from the queen for chasing me down?" Herbal, yelled, his voice quivering.
"From the... queen? What are you talking about?" Confused, the stallion stared at Herbal, his eyes widened.
"Why, the supreme queen Celestia of course! You must know who she is!"
"I'm sorry, but... there's no queen in the land of Equestria. You must be talking about Princess Celestia. That would make much more sense."
"How can you call her a princess? She is the queen of all Equestria! Her and her sister, the empress Luna, rule all over the land!"
Both were convinced that their own words were true. Herbal couldn't believe one word of what he was hearing, and so couldn't the earth pony.
"Supreme queen? Empress? What are you talking about? As far as I know, Celestia and Luna are the princesses of Equestria, both of them ruling this land from Canterlot. You must have hurt yourself when you dove into the lake."
"That's not true, I know from my own experiences that both of them are cruel rulers." While babbling those words, Herbal looked down to the ground. He knew he was saying the truth.
"You really are worrying me now. They are not cruel, but kind and generous instead,” the stallion replied.
"That's not possible... It simply cannot be possible!"
The unicorn was getting angry at the other stallion. It was impossible for the rulers to be nice. He didn't really know where the portal he activated had sent him, but it couldn't make that change. It was too difficult.
"I would like to talk more about this with you, but first, you should finish getting out from the water. You could get a cold if you stay in there for a long time." Lending him a hoof, he smiled. He kept his thoughts to himself, not wanting to further stress Herbal.
Herbal hesitated about letting the mysterious pony help him, but he agreed in the end.
"That's much better. Let me introduce myself. My name is Great Thrill. I live in a little house near this lake. What's your name?" He asked, noticing Herbal’s striped fur pattern. His body was covered in green fur, but like the zebras, he had some lines covered in a dark blue color.
"Herbal," He replied.
"Where do you live?" Great asked, breaking the silence.
"I don't remember—"Herbal started.
"Look, I just want to help you, Herbal. I promise I won't do anything to hurt you. Nopony will hurt you while I'm here."
"That's useless, no one can help me. You shouldn't worry that much about—"
Something got the attention of the unicorn. Something he didn't notice before. Around the lake, there were lots of colorful flowers. He couldn't take his eyes off them.
"Those are flowers? They're beautiful. It's like a dream come true," Herbal said, dazzled by the flowers.
"What? Are you listening to me? Hello? I'm talking to you!" Great Thrill yelled in his frustration.
"I have never seen such flowers. They seem so full of life and energy. They are truly amazing!" Herbal bent down to smell them. Their fragrance was more profound than what he was used to.
As Herbal continued to obsess over the flowers, Great Thrill approached him. By then, he had been convinced that Herbal’s story was sheer lunacy.
"They are indeed beautiful. Equestrian flowers are the most beautiful in the whole world," Great Thrill played along.
Herbal turned his head when he heard those words. He didn’t seem very happy with them.
"What did you say? Beautiful flowers in Equestria? There is no place in Equestria with such beautiful flowers. Even in the most beautiful place I’ve ever been, the flowers weren’t even half as amazing as these are."
"Are you kidding me? You can find flowers like these all over Equestria. Well… not everywhere. Not in Appleloosa for instance. But still, yes you can.” Great Thrill thought thoroughly about what the unicorn in front of him was saying—it simply didn’t make any sense.
"It seems you haven’t been anywhere outside this forest your whole life. I’ve seen a lot with these eyes, and I guarantee there are not beautiful flowers out there. They are all withered," Herbal yelled at Great Thrill. His memories didn't seem like the ones of the stallion in front of him.
Great Thrill closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to relax himself, before resuming what he wanted to be constructive discourse.
"It seems like we can’t agree on this topic. But you haven’t answered my question yet. Please Herbal, let me help you. Let me hear you story. Tell me what’s happening."
After an unpleasant silence, Herbal decided to trust him—at least a little bit.
"Fine, I’ll talk."
"Finally! That’s more I like it! You may want to come to my house instead of standing here."
"No! I don’t want to! I’m only telling you if it’s here," He answered, with a terrified look on his face. He retreated into the flowers, as though they would have been able to protect him should something go awry.
"Well, that’s perfectly fine, I guess," said Great Thrill.
Both of them sat down in the ground. Great was staring at Herbal as the unicorn took some flowers and held them in his magic.
"Here it goes…" He whispered. "I escaped from a prison and…"
As soon as he said his first six words, he saw the terror on the face of Great Thrill.
"You did what?" Thrill shouted. "Herbal, you realize that’s illegal… right?"
In a furious rage, Herbal started shouting.
"How can you say that? You don’t know anything! What could you possibly know about it? They captured me when I was a little foal! They took me away from my parents while I was just a little foal! I can’t even recall what they look like! I don’t even know my real name! I was trapped in that prison and forced to take part in painful experiments day after day!
I wasn’t loved by anyone in there, either!" It wasn’t until now that he started crying. "I had just two friends—who died. They were killed while they were running away with me! They're dead—because of me." His voice became softer at the last words. He didn't realize what he did. He could not remember a lot of things about his past, but he did remember the pain inflicted to his friends.
Great Thrill was sitting right in front of him. Silent. Shocked. It seemed like his soul went away from him.
"Come on. Do it. Laugh at me. I’m sure you think I’m crazy."
"Herbal, I’m so—"
"I don’t want to hear anything from you right now. I don’t have anything more to say either." He grabbed another bunch of flowers and walked away from the lake from the same road he came from.
"Wait! Please, hold on a second," Great Thrill said, sympathetic to Herbal’s situation. "It’s difficult to believe, but you don’t look like you are lying to me. I do believe you. Being trapped in a place like that, it must have been… hard. I’m sorry about doubting you."
"You don’t need to lie to me. I know that in your heart you don’t believe a word about my story, but I guarantee it’s the truth, and if you were lucky for not being kidnapped, I’m happy for you. But I can’t trust anypony. First, that mare Zecora, now you," Herbal walked away into the forest without waiting for a reply.
Great Thrill stood there alone thinking about what just happened. It was just a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. He did want to believe the unicorn, but he knew for a fact that the princesses were good mares. He had never heard about a place like that. He felt like he failed himself.
After a long walk watching the flowers and thinking about how that forest could be so colorful and alive, Herbal got to the point where there was just one possible reason for what happened. He must be in a place far away from home. Somewhere where the influence and corruption of the queens wasn’t strong enough. It was nearly impossible, but Great Thrill caused him to reevaluate that possibility.
"It’s impossible. It doesn’t matter how I look at it—it’s just impossible that a place like this exists. I heard that even the Crystal Empire fell down. So then, where am I?" A lot of questions were in his mind, and no answers at all. For him, just one thing was clear: He did kill his friends while escaping the prison.
The day was coming to its end and Herbal was still walking around in the forest. It wasn’t until he heard the hoot of the owls that realized he was completely lost, again.
"Fantastic, now I’m lost." Herbal put sat down and sighed. "Maybe I shouldn’t have rejected the help those ponies offered me. I’m the dumbest pony in the whole world! If only I wasn’t off the road… If I could remember what it looked like, I could return to that cottage. At least for the night.”
In that moment, he noticed a weird scent around him. It was everywhere. It came from every single direction. He thought aloud, "What’s that? It’s faint, but it smells slightly like a flower I know. Maybe I should follow its trail with my magic?" Thinking this was the best idea he had in the whole day, he concentrated in gathering his magic to locate the weird smell.
His horn lit up in a light green magical aura, and after a few minutes with his eyes closed, it turned pink. "I see… It’s like if it was a mixture of Zinnia and Cherry Rose. And the smell comes from… there." Following the trace left by the pollen in the air, he ended up in a strange garden.
They were many different kind of flowers. Some of them recognizable to Herbal, others unknown.
The garden was close to a wooden house, he thought calling to whomever was inside.
Once again, he thought aloud, "These are some awesome flowers! It’s amazing! Like the ones in the lake, these are beautifully colorful. The one taking care of them must be a really nice pony." He was very happy at that moment. Knowing that somepony was taking good care of the flowers, made him smile in joy. He then realized what time it was. "That’s right! I should ask for help."
When he approached the main door in front of that little house, he saw some creepy masks hanging from the top of the ceiling, but he was in a hurry, and knocking the door, he ignored the weird masks. After a few seconds, the door opened.
"Well, well. Look who we have here. You seem like you need some help. If you want to, I will do my best."
Herbal soon recognized the pony in front of him—Zecora. He felt weird about being in the same cottage as before. He didn’t expect to be able to find the way back, even if it was by pure luck. He knew he needed help, but because of how harsh he was to her earlier, he thought that maybe she wouldn’t lend him what he needed. Maybe not even food and a bed.
After a moment of thought, Herbal asked, "Will you let me stay here for tonight?"
The mare smiled at him, and to his surprise, she accepted. "I was waiting for you to come. You can stay here as long as you want."
"Are you sure about this?" Herbal asked, astounded.
"Why, of course. I couldn’t leave you out on your own."
"Thank you so much," He entered the cottage, saying nothing.
Once Herbal was sitting in a chair, Zecora gave him some homemade vegetable soup, before sitting down in the chair in front of him. "I’m glad you came. I’m sure that if you tell me the truth, I could be of help."
He sighed. He gave a deep sigh before answering. "To be honest, I don’t know what I should think. This whole place is so bizarre—you wouldn’t believe me. You'd think I’m crazy, like the pony at the lake did."
"You don’t need to worry little one. In Zecora you can trust." She took the hoof of Herbal’s hoof, causing him to blush. "Oh! I’m sorry for that,” Zecora said, thinking she caused Herbal discomfort. “I just wanted you to know that in this zebra you can trust no matter what."
"What did you say? Excuse me, but did you say you are a zebra? I thought you were an earth pony," Herbal asked, his curiosity piqued
Zecora laughed, before she continued explaining. "No little unicorn. I’m not one of your own. I’m a zebra from a tribe of a land far beyond, but I prefer living here alone."
"You are the very first zebra I have ever seen." Herbal said, surprised.
"I thought so. It’s not usual one to be seen, in the land were ponies are supposed to live. But the truth being said, from this zebra you must not fret."
"Fine… I guess I have to tell you the truth." He took a deep breath, and started telling his story. "I escaped from a prison—But please, believe me when I say I am not a criminal or guilty of anything at all!" He shouted, worried about Zecora turning him in when finding out about him escaping the prison, but she just nodded her head waiting for more. "I was kidnapped as a foal. I was forced to take part in terrible and painful experiments, I don’t even recall my name. And I unintentionally killed my friends while escaping."
Zecora’s face was indescribable. She seemed terrified, and that made Herbal uneasy. "This really is a tragic fate, like a nightmare I would say."
"You don’t believe me, right? I understand… after all, who would believe that a place like that exists?" He got sad again thinking Zecora didn’t trust his story.
"Your story is hard to believe I must confess, but in your eyes honesty I can see nonetheless," She assured Herbal. "I want to hear how you ended here, if you would be so kind. It’s the only thing that’s left so far."
"I recall using a magical portal. I came here crossing it from the prison."
When Zecora heard that, she couldn’t help herself from shouting, "A portal you say? What portal are you talking about?" For a moment, she looked like she was going to punish Herbal.
"Y-Yes… That’s what I said… sorry. I didn’t want to… cause trouble," Herbal said, his voice quivering. On the verge of tears, he hid between the table and his hooves.
Zecora soon realized what she had caused, and embarrassedly tried to regain Herbal’s confidence. "What? Oh! No, I’m the one who must apologize. I didn’t want to scare you. It’s just I find it strange, I never heard about something like that despite my age."
Herbal looked through his hooves. He could tell that Zecora was really ashamed. It felt different —as though she was a little filly, in need of protection.
He couldn’t explain it, and despite not being fully confident in Zecora, said, "Thank you. Please, tell me more about that. I want to help you with all of my heart.”
A look of curiosity spread across Zecora’s face. Herbal continued, "Well… both of the queens are to blame. All I remember is chaos and destruction everywhere because of them."
"I’m afraid I’ve to disagree. That’s impossible in the land we live. There are not any evil queens on the lead, just two princesses that are not mean," Zecora quickly replied.
"How… did you know they were… evil? I didn't say that at all." Something was weird about her reply.
"Oh my! I did it again! I must apologize. Please don’t be shy. It’s just that this land has been attacked by an evil queen once. It sounded like it happened twice."
Herbal was frightened, but while listening Zecora, he felt calm. Her voice was relaxing to him. As thought it was slightly familiar.
"I’m sorry to ask, but, well, I’m really nervous right now, but… I can’t understand one thing," Herbal said.
Zecora nodded her head. "Why are both of you saying that not only there aren’t any evil queens, but that there are nice princesses instead?” asked Herbal. “I know for a fact you’re wrong. I’ve lived seeing terrible things happening.”
"Look Herbal. I know this is difficult for you to understand, but for years, peace has been Equestria’s rule number one. I’ve never heard of those cases even once." She was trying to be clear without being rude, but Herbal just couldn't believe that.
"But that is not what I remember! Why can nopony get my point? It’s like we were living in different Equestrias for our whole lives! But everypony knows that’s also impossible. There can’t be two Equestrias."
Those words gave Zecora an idea of what really happened—there was just one possibility left.
"You may have the answer right in your head. Could you give me more information on that portal you told me about? It must be the piece that will make the whole thing make sense."
"I don’t recall much about it. It was quick. Someone shot magic to it at the exact same time I was jumping through it. It was set up to send us far away from the prison, but not somewhere like this place. Because in the Equestria I know, there aren’t places like this."
"My guesses have been almost confirmed. The portal reconfigured itself I’m afraid. It could be the answer to what you can’t understand, that you are indeed in another Equestria without any doubt." She said while scratching her head.
"Another Equestria? Really? Is that really possible?" He thought that possibility was absurd, but the zebra in front of him was not kidding about it.
"I cannot confirm that, but is the only thing I have in mind. Anyway, you just arrived, why don’t you stay here for the night? You may want to sleep, and as the times goes by, you may find the answers you seek."
"So, does this mean… You believe me?"
"Yes, a lot of strange things happened in my life. Actually, your problem is not as strange as many of them," She giggled slightly. "You can stay here for all the time you want. My cottage will be your home."
"Thank you so much! You really are kind… I’m not used to anypony being kind," Herbal said, embarrassedly moving his head down.
"Worry not. There’s a bed in the room behind the back door. Sleep and rest as much as your body requests."
"Fine. Thank you again. And excuse me for my attitude." He nodded his head slowly as a show of respect, and then disappear behind the door to his room.
Once he was laying down in the bed, he started thinking about everything that happened to him that day.
"Is this really another Equestria? Can I trust the ponies of this world? So many problems… So many doubts… And the other me…" He tried to sleep.
At the same time, Zecora entered her room, and as she looked through a window up into the sparkling stars that filled the sky above, she started talking.
"Is this some message from you, sis? Even if it’s not, I understand what I must do. I must protect this young unicorn, whatever it takes."
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Reading this was an interesting experience, as I am not too keen on the lore of G4 (I do not watch it.) I liked how you gave Zecora that very poetic dialect, in that she is able end her sentences with a rhyming scheme. Generally, I found the dialogue to be quite natural and very well-written—something that I do not execute too well in my writing. (Perhaps you can give me some pointers?)
Pardon me for being hypercritical, but I noticed a few grammatical errors in your writing. For instance: whenever you start a sentence with dialogue and follow it with a said or action tag, the dialogue must end with "!" , "?" , or "," , not "." . The only time it ends with "." is if it ends the sentence.
For example:
"That was fun," he said.
-But not
"That was fun." he said.
When ending the sentence:
He said, "That was fun."
-But not
He said "That was fun."
I do not know if you are already aware of this, but I saw this occur several times throughout, so I thought that I would inform you of this as a courtesy.
In addition to this there are a couple of lines that are repetitious, awkward or nonsense.
For example:
The adjective 'beautiful' is used consecutively in two sentences. This repetition is unnecessary when there are more synonymous adjectives to be used. For instance, "dazzling," "astounding," "astonishing," "elegant," or "incredible," can be used to create: "The surroundings of the lake [were dazzling]. "... 'It's so beautiful.'"
Also:
That sentence makes little sense, in that I am confused as to what message you are trying to convey. Was she embarrassed after realizing what she had done before trying to regain his confidence? I understand that this story was transcribed from Spanish, so perhaps the meaning was just lost in translation? It is probably obvious, but losing the meaning of a single sentence can impair the overall integrity of the story.
Regardless of these, I did enjoy the story. I have always been enthralled by the 'dual universe' motif, and it appears to be used quite effectively here. I am anticipatory as to how this story will progress, and will be the first person to read the second chapter. You have potential, and I hope that you keep writing!
—Best regards,
Ethan
7401690
Thanks for your time for the review. I'm glad you enyoyed it. I can assure it only gets better from this chapter on.
As you say, I worked in this fanfiction in spanish, and only when finished, I started translating it. Despite my english not being bad, I reccon having some difficulties with some translations. What you say about the repetitive adjective, I realize now you're right for instance. But talking about the actions and such, is the first time I've heard what you said.
I mean, I'm not into reading too many fanfiction in english, so I don't quite understand the way it has to be written. From now on, i'll put extra attention to when I put the interrogative mark and such.
Thank you for your corrections, This are what I need the most for improving. But I'm also happy because you enjoyed the story. I know the beginning is a little harsh to the reader, but I believe it's better that way. I expected you to say something about it, like "it seems like it isn`t the beginning" or "you shouldn't start like that", but honestly, I prefer the readers not giving attention to it.
As I consider Zecora an underrated character and one of my very favourites, I thought about it like a guide for some lost ponies. That role fits her soooo well.
Finally, If you enjoy dual universe things, you may like quite lot of things about this whole fanfiction. I'm not that fan of the canon things.
Thank you again. And of course, if I see your dialogues could be a little bit better, I'll tell you as soon as I read it. ^^
Why did you copy and paste the commentary from my revision?