Spanish amateur writer. 24 years. Wanna to improve my writing skills. (spanish stories)
What would you do if you were able to talk with your darkness?
Meet Herbal, a unicorn with a tragic past who has suddenly appeared in the cottage of a zebra named Zecora.
How did he get there? As the dismal reality of his arrival is revealed, hope fills the heart of those whom had suffered.
What's the best way of dealing with it? Soon, he will learn that his deepest fears are the key to his happiness and that of the whole world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Reading this was an interesting experience, as I am not too keen on the lore of G4 (I do not watch it.) I liked how you gave Zecora that very poetic dialect, in that she is able end her sentences with a rhyming scheme. Generally, I found the dialogue to be quite natural and very well-written—something that I do not execute too well in my writing. (Perhaps you can give me some pointers?)
Pardon me for being hypercritical, but I noticed a few grammatical errors in your writing. For instance: whenever you start a sentence with dialogue and follow it with a said or action tag, the dialogue must end with "!" , "?" , or "," , not "." . The only time it ends with "." is if it ends the sentence.
For example:
"That was fun," he said.
-But not
"That was fun." he said.
When ending the sentence:
He said, "That was fun."
-But not
He said "That was fun."
I do not know if you are already aware of this, but I saw this occur several times throughout, so I thought that I would inform you of this as a courtesy.
In addition to this there are a couple of lines that are repetitious, awkward or nonsense.
For example:
The adjective 'beautiful' is used consecutively in two sentences. This repetition is unnecessary when there are more synonymous adjectives to be used. For instance, "dazzling," "astounding," "astonishing," "elegant," or "incredible," can be used to create: "The surroundings of the lake [were dazzling]. "... 'It's so beautiful.'"
Also:
That sentence makes little sense, in that I am confused as to what message you are trying to convey. Was she embarrassed after realizing what she had done before trying to regain his confidence? I understand that this story was transcribed from Spanish, so perhaps the meaning was just lost in translation? It is probably obvious, but losing the meaning of a single sentence can impair the overall integrity of the story.
Regardless of these, I did enjoy the story. I have always been enthralled by the 'dual universe' motif, and it appears to be used quite effectively here. I am anticipatory as to how this story will progress, and will be the first person to read the second chapter. You have potential, and I hope that you keep writing!
—Best regards,
Ethan
7401690
Thanks for your time for the review. I'm glad you enyoyed it. I can assure it only gets better from this chapter on.
As you say, I worked in this fanfiction in spanish, and only when finished, I started translating it. Despite my english not being bad, I reccon having some difficulties with some translations. What you say about the repetitive adjective, I realize now you're right for instance. But talking about the actions and such, is the first time I've heard what you said.
I mean, I'm not into reading too many fanfiction in english, so I don't quite understand the way it has to be written. From now on, i'll put extra attention to when I put the interrogative mark and such.
Thank you for your corrections, This are what I need the most for improving. But I'm also happy because you enjoyed the story. I know the beginning is a little harsh to the reader, but I believe it's better that way. I expected you to say something about it, like "it seems like it isn`t the beginning" or "you shouldn't start like that", but honestly, I prefer the readers not giving attention to it.
As I consider Zecora an underrated character and one of my very favourites, I thought about it like a guide for some lost ponies. That role fits her soooo well.
Finally, If you enjoy dual universe things, you may like quite lot of things about this whole fanfiction. I'm not that fan of the canon things.
Thank you again. And of course, if I see your dialogues could be a little bit better, I'll tell you as soon as I read it. ^^
Throughout the course of reading the second chapter in this installment, I found that I was dreadfully confused as to what sensory details there were in the environment at a given point; what characters were speaking at given points; and which characters where being introduced at given points. During the scene that involved Herbal almost dying to the carnivorous plant, he, in his delusion, said,
I was perplexed by this occurrence because before this, there was no indication, explicit or implicit, that Herbal was seeing his parents in the trees, thus coming across as sudden to the reader an destabilizing to the story—not that this specific scene was crucial in the overarching plot of the story, but the implications are still quite significant. Similarly to the scene aforementioned, there were many points at which it was not clear which characters were speaking. When a character speaks, there must be a said or action tag preceding or succeeding the dialogue. Here, you just have paragraphs of dialogue without any tags to indicate speakers, such as:
You don't make it clear whom is talking here, though I can imply that it is Zecora, since nobody else is mentioned for the remainder of the scene. Also, who is "sis"? I that some part of the show that I am supposed to know, or a character yet to be introduced? Either way, it is somewhat confusing, though not as much as some of the other issues aforementioned. Finally, your introduction of Great Thrill was very stark, as you did not make it clear whom he actually was until a few scenes later. You mentioned that there was an earth pony, and then you mentioned somebody named "Great Thrill," but you did not establish that these were the same characters. A simple way to remedy this is to have him introduce himself before addressing him by his name—"Hello, my name is Great Thrill." Such a simple piece of dialogue would have made the scene flow much more than it currently does.
Also, when you have a character sing a song, you must make clear that they are singing before you actually show the lyrics.
One last detail—"Everypony?" "Nopony?" That seems forced. It is like somebody in our society going into a room and saying, "Hello everyhuman!" Though, this is more of a subjective and stylistic detail than a detriment to your story.
I hope that what I have written here proves useful and does not come off as too harsh.
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Hi again Ethan. Thank you for your patience here. I love how deep you go into the reviews.
You are helping me a lot with those coments.
I have no excuse for what you say about being clear when a character speaks. I'm going to change that little thing right away. What I didn't get is why you think 'Sis' is wrong. I always thought that 'Sis' was the short and coloquial form for 'Sister'. And still believe I'm wright. am I?
Not that I'm complaining, just asking :)
About the songs, that was a fact I didn't know. When writing in spanish, It's not compulsary to say someone is going to sing and then actually sing. (you can state that after the song) As many other things, I though it was the same as my native language.
I'll make sure to change that and take into account that advice for the following chapters, as there are a few more songs.
Finally, what you say about "somepony" and "nopony". I used that way of speaking because of the show. As in the TV show they tend to use that a lot.
I always found funny, so Is it wrong to use it that way?
Last but not least. Did you enjoyed? I know that it can't be judged by just two chapters... but still, I want to hear as many opinions as I can. :) I still have the dream that someday more people will read my stories.
Thank you so much again.
7493714 I am glad that you found my review to be helpful. When I mentioned 'sis,' I was not trying to say that it did not mean 'sister,' I was just asking as to who Zecora's sister is, because you reference her without actually explaining who she is. So yes, you are right* about that. When I mentioned the use of 'pony' in 'everypony' and 'nopony,' I did not realize that that is how they spoke in the show—it has been two years since I have watched any of the newest show. So no, it is not right or wrong to use that. As I said before, it is nothing more than a subjective and stylistic detail. Finally, I do enjoy what you have composed here—but probably not as much as somebody whom watches and enjoys Friendship is Magic (I prefer the 2003 version of the show over Friendship is Magic). Regardless of my grievances with the show, your writing here does have immense potential, and I look forward to where it goes! I don't know why you think that the way your story starts off is too 'rough' for the reader. It is perfectly acceptable to start off in the middle of the conflict, as long as you make references to explain the status quo of the main character and the merits of the conflict—which you have done quite well. Also, do you have a proof reader?—if not, I would be happy to proofread the next installations of your story and inform you of any grammatical errors and stylistic differences that you should be aware of.
7494171
Every review is valuable. Is up to the writer to take it for good or not :) In my case, I know when to take advice and when not. I know you don't want to be rude or whatever. So your opinion (as you can see from reviews below) is very valuable for me :D
The truth about Zecora's sister is yet to be told. So don't worry. Sooner or later I'll write about it. like a lot of things from Herbal's past and many many other things you may not understand right now. You could say that I like to make the reader think.
I didn't know you didn't watch the whole series from the actual generation. I knew what your preference was, but I thought you were into the friendship is magic show too. In any case, there's nothing wrong with it. ^^ (Hopefully you won't get mad at me for what happens in the next chapter. Just Kiding ;D)
The thing is that I know the beginning of the story isn't as rough as I say, just that some people told me that it could make the reader lose interest in it because it is not written right from the start. and that could be perfectly possible. Is one of the few thing I doubt from my story. I don't like everything told from the beginning, and that's why I worte that way.
Yes, I have one, but I don't think that having two would be bad... Just because two different corrections are better than just one. There's always something that can be improved, so If you wish to... I'll be happy to have you as a proofreader. That's under the assumption that someone can have more than one, of course. I don't know if there's a rule for that.
Thank you again ^^
Why did you copy and paste the commentary from my revision?
7506014
I missed it. Sorry. :(
I'll correct it right away.
7510370
There is no need to apologize. I simply told you for the sake of your own story.