Hmmm... as a general rule, unless it's a second-person story, avoid "you" and use "one." And writing like this is generally accepted to be in the past tense. It's a narrative rather than running account, which would be first person. Each new speaker needs their own paragraph. The [End} tag seemed superfluous. And, there was at least one stray quotation mark. It has some kind of potential as a sexy comedy romp but it needs cleaning and polishing.

Yangus from Dragon Quest 8 is all I think of

You turned me into a.... COR BLIMEY!!!
roboawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/yangus.jpg

MY GOD! THE ORIGINALITY! THE REALISM! #sarcasm

someone had to say it!

I think I saw this fic pretty soon after I signed up here, and it horrified me then. Let me tell you, your front page image and description alone fill me with dread. He gets the choice of four (sorry, 4) mares, whatever will he do? <insert wangst here> You know, your description makes it sound as if he's just walked up to an ice cream parlour and can't decide whether to have the chocolate, or the mint chocolate chip. I'm no feminist, but this sounds really freaking demeaning to the female characters involved. Good job mate. I'll assume that pseudo-rastafarian tit on the front page is Yangus, our hero for today... He looks so stoned in this image that I wonder why Fluttershy would ever be interested in him, but let's not judge a book its cover. Allons-y!

Now, onto the actual story. This introduction just grips me and makes me want to continue reading... damn, could you have made the introduction any less interesting? You swap tenses from past to present and back to past by the second line of dialogue. Your OC just kind of turns up in Ponyville, then walks straight into Twilight. This feels pretty contrived, to be honest, as if it was only included to have our heroic stoner meet Twilight in one of the most cliche manners possible (helping her up off the floor). Not to mention, he is apparently a mind reader as he knows he bumped into 'Twilight' and not just a purple mare, despite not having met her before. Unless, of course, you managed to muck up the narrative and leap from limited third person into omniscient third person for a moment there. Meh.

Dialogue is pretty stilted, and honestly it pretty much seems like your OC has mind control lasers attached to his face, because the characters intended for his 'choice' just seem to go "oh, look at how pretty that sparkly colt is, I think I just creamed myself from looking at his face." etc, etc. Chapter seems really short, as well. Basically, everyone, including Stoner Boy here, seem incredibly shallow and just... glom onto each other to prop up their ailing personalities. You don't bother to start a new line whenever a different person speaks in a conversation, and in some cases don't bother with speech marks, making your already wooden dialogue a confusing clusterfuck. There are parts where I honestly have no clue who is talking to who.

Damn, this blows, and I haven't even made it onto the second chapter yet! I'm probably going to review this chapter by chapter, so without further ado, onto chapter 2.... yay