A magical being of eldritch power grows bored and deposits half of its power with a random human. Just what that will mean is a mystery few will want to uncover.
This has been a genuinely good read thus far; the main character, after becoming either a demigod or the avatar of a pre-existing deity, wanders the new world he was dropped on, searching for a patron race. Upon finding the first race that didn't outright attempt to attack him, he immediately starts uplifting the only race to show divinity some form of proper respect.
First off, let me say I love the idea you have for this plot. Discord and foreign gods introducing a new element to shake things up. Not just to be jerks but in actual attempt to fulfill their role? Nice. Kind of like why I enjoy Beerus from DBZ as he's not a typical villain killing for kicks. Just a force of nature doing his job. That said, I'm seeing a few issues that are kind of holding back your story. Not bashing, just hoping to help with a few pointers before you get too far in the story. A critique, if you will.
Let's start with the problems; namely, execution and pacing. I notice evil Celestia and goody Chrysalis are popular subjects, but very rarely are they done right. Usually Chrissy more often right as she seems to have an advantage with less air time and thus more room to experiment with. The problem is that these personas, especially Tyrantlestia, need a lot of establishing chapters to gradually work it in so you don't give your audience metaphorical whiplash from the 'big reveal.' Most writers struggle against personalities established by show, in some cases their own story, and they have to beat the audience's collective heads with signs of 'they're evil' to get the point across followed by chapter after chapter of murder porn. Case in point, Celestia's intro in your story gives me the impression that she a well meaning, if jaded and slightly negligent, leader. Then the MC crashes in and I'm bashed in the head with the 'Surprise Beotch! Celly's evil!' sign during his aura sense scene. If things continue in the normal trend, then I predict several chapters of raping grandmas and eating foals or some such trying to prove she is evil when, in fact, you're just proving that you are trying to way too hard. The maid's speech about Chrissy came on a bit heavy handed as well but, give credit where it's due, that ancestral story provided a smooth transition to her character background and motivation. Dealing with idiot ancestors' fallout and stigma for centuries? Nice touch. Then there's your MC's pacing...wow. I mean I get what you're trying to establish, really I do. You want a sympathetic, empathizing MC who helps the underdog. But with the context given? He recognizes this is a medieval/feudal culture. His question says he knows most leaders from any country in such a setting tend to be paranoid killers. Usually with good reason, mind you, but the point stands. He doesn't know all of the circumstances. His only information comes from a maid's introduction (cause, yeah, you can trust the maid is going to give the unvarnished truth about the queen. While in the palace. Surrounded by armed guards. Riiiiiight) For all he knows, this chick could be bug pony Hitler. And yet, with godlike power that could probably create anything he wanted based on a vague memory, his idea of a friendship gift is...a carbine? I'm not the sort to yell that 'guns are evil', in the end a tool is just a tool, and that laws will magically make it all better (wouldn't stop bad people from finding new ways to kill, after all). But the picture I see painted here? I could totally see him solving a schoolyard brawl by tossing a loaded 9mm to a random child and saying 'Here, kid. Go nuts!' At best, it makes him look completely irresponsible. At worst, a total psycho. Either way, it's leading to a point where the ponies may be completely justified calling him a dangerous monster that needs to be stopped.
Now, the possible solutions. Going back to my impression of Celestia being well-meaning but negligent. Why try to force her into an ill-fitting, evil mold when there are plenty of ways to use the negligence angle? Stalliongrad, Prance, other pony territory gets racist over generations and Celestia doesn't notice because 'her good little ponies wouldn't do that!' Territory harasses changelings. Changelings think they're striking back. Cycle of hatred perpetuated. Gives MC the perfect stage to walk in, kick the anthill a bit, and say 'Wake up and smell the coffee, Cake Butt! Get out of your ivory tower, connect with the world! Anything!' Chrysalis...actually wouldn't need any real changing. Add this with the backstory you started and you would be golden there. Then there's MC's intro to Chrysalis. For a gift, try something advanced, but harmless. Try something to show how much he has to offer without starting World War Mythas; a model car with working parts, some clockwork piece like a music box (for a bit of subtlety), maybe even a basic computer with some safe information installed. The Queen's cry actually makes for a good glimpse into her character. When she calms, have MC ask questions; What did you do that the gods would have been mad about? Why? Who are you fighting with? Give him time to learn about the circumstances. Then you can start with industrial revolutions and the like.
Sorry if that seemed long winded, but I really am interested in the directions you seem to be going with this. Like setting this so soon after the mane six meet? All of this friction and new chemistry forming in this budding friendship? That offers a lot of possibilities. Hope to see more soon!
Although, as I wrote that last line, a new thought occurred. How...is Discord out and able to talk at this point?
8822444 Who said imperialism and a healthy sense of xenophobia were evil? Bigoted and prone to abuse, sure, but have you seen her twirling a handlebar mustache, and laughing evilly on her panda rug (made with REAL PANDATM?!)
I'll let slip that the discord bit hasn't actually happened yet, but mods wouldn't let me post it without that bit, and I felt like most people wouldn't actually notice it wasn't a time skip until it actually happened. So send me an address or p.o. box and I'll mail you a cookie!
Also, changelings have subconscious pheromones in their natural form. Notice Steve's mental perception of an alien species? Like, right off the bat? It's unintentional, but more will come later.
Plus, in terms of his pacing, he knows he's on a limited timetable. What's the harm in skipping a step (or five)?
This has been a genuinely good read thus far; the main character, after becoming either a demigod or the avatar of a pre-existing deity, wanders the new world he was dropped on, searching for a patron race. Upon finding the first race that didn't outright attempt to attack him, he immediately starts uplifting the only race to show divinity some form of proper respect.
Hail to the king, baby.
8819293
Incredibly succinct, astute, and an Ash vs. the Army of Darkness reference? Holy shite, I'm in love.
8819304
I've been trying to cut back on the rambling; thank you for noticing.
8819318
Not at all, I appreciate critiques and comments in all their forms. Hope you continue reading!
Mmmmm, changeling city state with a massive advantage in technology soon to be achieved, should be interesting.
Taaaaaaanks! :D
8819402
8819399
You can be assured that I shall.
Will other Aztec/Mayan deities appear in this story?
No.
8819612
Not necessarily, as it features many mythologies, and will focus on the characters.
More please :3
8820574
Soon...
First off, let me say I love the idea you have for this plot. Discord and foreign gods introducing a new element to shake things up. Not just to be jerks but in actual attempt to fulfill their role? Nice. Kind of like why I enjoy Beerus from DBZ as he's not a typical villain killing for kicks. Just a force of nature doing his job. That said, I'm seeing a few issues that are kind of holding back your story. Not bashing, just hoping to help with a few pointers before you get too far in the story. A critique, if you will.
Let's start with the problems; namely, execution and pacing. I notice evil Celestia and goody Chrysalis are popular subjects, but very rarely are they done right. Usually Chrissy more often right as she seems to have an advantage with less air time and thus more room to experiment with. The problem is that these personas, especially Tyrantlestia, need a lot of establishing chapters to gradually work it in so you don't give your audience metaphorical whiplash from the 'big reveal.' Most writers struggle against personalities established by show, in some cases their own story, and they have to beat the audience's collective heads with signs of 'they're evil' to get the point across followed by chapter after chapter of murder porn. Case in point, Celestia's intro in your story gives me the impression that she a well meaning, if jaded and slightly negligent, leader. Then the MC crashes in and I'm bashed in the head with the 'Surprise Beotch! Celly's evil!' sign during his aura sense scene. If things continue in the normal trend, then I predict several chapters of raping grandmas and eating foals or some such trying to prove she is evil when, in fact, you're just proving that you are trying to way too hard. The maid's speech about Chrissy came on a bit heavy handed as well but, give credit where it's due, that ancestral story provided a smooth transition to her character background and motivation. Dealing with idiot ancestors' fallout and stigma for centuries? Nice touch. Then there's your MC's pacing...wow. I mean I get what you're trying to establish, really I do. You want a sympathetic, empathizing MC who helps the underdog. But with the context given? He recognizes this is a medieval/feudal culture. His question says he knows most leaders from any country in such a setting tend to be paranoid killers. Usually with good reason, mind you, but the point stands. He doesn't know all of the circumstances. His only information comes from a maid's introduction (cause, yeah, you can trust the maid is going to give the unvarnished truth about the queen. While in the palace. Surrounded by armed guards. Riiiiiight) For all he knows, this chick could be bug pony Hitler. And yet, with godlike power that could probably create anything he wanted based on a vague memory, his idea of a friendship gift is...a carbine? I'm not the sort to yell that 'guns are evil', in the end a tool is just a tool, and that laws will magically make it all better (wouldn't stop bad people from finding new ways to kill, after all). But the picture I see painted here? I could totally see him solving a schoolyard brawl by tossing a loaded 9mm to a random child and saying 'Here, kid. Go nuts!' At best, it makes him look completely irresponsible. At worst, a total psycho. Either way, it's leading to a point where the ponies may be completely justified calling him a dangerous monster that needs to be stopped.
Now, the possible solutions. Going back to my impression of Celestia being well-meaning but negligent. Why try to force her into an ill-fitting, evil mold when there are plenty of ways to use the negligence angle? Stalliongrad, Prance, other pony territory gets racist over generations and Celestia doesn't notice because 'her good little ponies wouldn't do that!' Territory harasses changelings. Changelings think they're striking back. Cycle of hatred perpetuated. Gives MC the perfect stage to walk in, kick the anthill a bit, and say 'Wake up and smell the coffee, Cake Butt! Get out of your ivory tower, connect with the world! Anything!' Chrysalis...actually wouldn't need any real changing. Add this with the backstory you started and you would be golden there. Then there's MC's intro to Chrysalis. For a gift, try something advanced, but harmless. Try something to show how much he has to offer without starting World War Mythas; a model car with working parts, some clockwork piece like a music box (for a bit of subtlety), maybe even a basic computer with some safe information installed. The Queen's cry actually makes for a good glimpse into her character. When she calms, have MC ask questions; What did you do that the gods would have been mad about? Why? Who are you fighting with? Give him time to learn about the circumstances. Then you can start with industrial revolutions and the like.
Sorry if that seemed long winded, but I really am interested in the directions you seem to be going with this. Like setting this so soon after the mane six meet? All of this friction and new chemistry forming in this budding friendship? That offers a lot of possibilities. Hope to see more soon!
Although, as I wrote that last line, a new thought occurred. How...is Discord out and able to talk at this point?
8822444
Who said imperialism and a healthy sense of xenophobia were evil? Bigoted and prone to abuse, sure, but have you seen her twirling a handlebar mustache, and laughing evilly on her panda rug (made with REAL PANDATM?!)
I'll let slip that the discord bit hasn't actually happened yet, but mods wouldn't let me post it without that bit, and I felt like most people wouldn't actually notice it wasn't a time skip until it actually happened. So send me an address or p.o. box and I'll mail you a cookie!
Also, changelings have subconscious pheromones in their natural form. Notice Steve's mental perception of an alien species? Like, right off the bat? It's unintentional, but more will come later.
Plus, in terms of his pacing, he knows he's on a limited timetable. What's the harm in skipping a step (or five)?
That said, keep it coming! You rock!